Posts Tagged ‘rumors on the internets’

‘Woop-Woop! That’s the Sound of da Ayatollah!’

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

If you thought Marion Barry could dance, think again! Because Al Sharpton is nimble as a ballerina. [Michelle Malkin]
With all its student loans and Mongolian hordes of credit card debt, California is having a hard time paying the bills! But that hasn’t stopped the California State Legislature from jerkin’ the gherkin and debating into the wee hours about COW TAILS and other issues concerning cow anatomy, like, for example, why they have tails and we don’t? Sounds like a job for a new ad-hoc committee! Oh dear, Arnold Schwarzenegger IST SEHR ANGRY. [Hit & Run]
Andrew Sullivan, his keyboard still dipped in Hezbollah green, continues to blog for freedom, in his bathrobe. And just like everyone else who fights the Man, Andrew Sullivan listens to the hip-hop. Behold: the KRS-One of Iran. Woop-Woop! [Andrew Sullivan]
A few deeply concerned Republican lawmakers held an intervention for Michele Bachmann, because they were justifiably worried all the paint huffing was taking its toll. But who are you going to listen to, Michele? These Republican faggots, or Alex Jones? [HuffPost]
The other day we reported that Matt Yglesias was writing a blog about all the fun he was having reading Infinite Jest. Well looky here! The game is the same, but the rules have changed! [Read Infinite Jest Until Ken Layne's Book Is Published]

Tags: al sharpton, andrew sullivan, arnold schwarzenegger, california, infinite jest, ken layne, krs-one, michele bachmann, rumors on the internets
Posted in Wonkette | 33 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Barack Obama Murdered Jonah Goldberg’s Pet Snail, Because That’s What Liberal Fascists Do

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

The Weekly Standard used strategically placed ellipses to suggest Joe Klein thinks Iran is “breezy” with freedom, which is patently false. Joe Klein thinks Iran is “overflowing” with buckets of candy corn. Get it right or apologize, Weekly Standard. [Swampland]
Be it Hamas, Hezbollah, Chavez, Castro, corn syrup, Heinrich Himmler, unibrows or the sinking of the Lusitania — in the battle of Good versus Evil, Barack Obama endorses Evil. Always. [RedState]
Internet sensations Matthew Yglesias and Ezra Klein are reading Infinite Jest together, and they’re keeping a diary about it. Because the world needs more of those WordPress things. [A Supposedly Fun Blog]
Henry Paulson and Fareed Zakaria will mate, and they will ask Matt Taibbi to be the child’s godfather. Also: Fareed Zakaria is a ham-head. [Matt Taibbi]
Jonah Goldberg’s pet snail is dead! “Gary never caused trouble, never talked back, helped keep his tank a cleaner, better place and made everyone smile.” If only Michelle Obama could be a little more like Gary. [The Corner]

Tags: barack obama, ezra klein, fareed zakaria, joe klein, jonah goldberg, matthew yglesias, rumors on the internets, snails
Posted in Wonkette | 26 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Teabaggers Consider the Nuclear Option, Just as Hillary Clinton Once Did

Monday, June 29th, 2009

Last Thursday hundreds of helpless picnic-goers were forced to wear leis and eat lomi lomi salmon while Barack Obama lit cigarettes with a tiki torch. It was the first madrassa-themed congressional picnic, ever. [HuffPost]
More than 200 mullet-sporting diabetics came to pastor Ken Pagano’s bring-your-gun-to-church-day and wow, nobody got shot! It was a big improvement over a similar event pastor Ken hosted at the Dallas book depository back in the ’60s. [Think Progress]
If you’ve noticed Michelle Obama skipping around the White House eating crumpets and slicing shit in half with an enormous saber, it is because she thinks she is the Queen of England. Who will shatter her fragile heart and tell her the truth? 1,2,3 …. Not it! [RedState]
In a new and provocative ad campaign, Amnesty International beats up women when no one’s watching, to help illustrate how sneaky domestic violence is. [Andrew Sullivan]
The eight Republicans who voted for Cap and Trade — known in more sophisticated bohemian circles as the TR8TORS — have enraged the Teabagging Community. And now the Tea Baggin’ Patriots have rigged up a javascript Doomsday device that will detonate in two days unless the Tr8tors change their vote! [Cap And Tr8tors]

Tags: amnesty international, barack obama, cap-and-trade, congressional picnic, ken pagano, michelle obama, rumors on the internets, tr8tors
Posted in Wonkette | 44 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Meet Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Guest Editor of RedState

Thursday, June 25th, 2009

Barack Obama and Bundesrepublik Deutschland Wurstdame Angela Merkel had an awkward relationship in the ’80s, but now they are willing to put the past behind them and cut a deal. Prediction: Merkel gets AIG and Obama gets to massage Merkel’s muscular shoulders. It is peace for our time. [HuffPost]
The Mystery of Reducing Health Care Costs was simplicity itself: elementary, really. “Why, Holmes,” chirped Watson, “did Obama kill all the old people to save money?” Indubitably, my dear Watson. Indubitably. [RedState]
How many marijuana cigarettes does Barack Obama smoke in the Oval Office every day? Trick question! He rips bong. [Andrew Sullivan]
Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS) is now the third Republican to state publicly that he will vote NO on Sotomayor, no matter what. But if he had been the FOURTH Republican he would have won the toaster oven! [Think Progress]
On July 4, Barack Obama will be savoring deep-fried Dijon-infused Bolivian Revolution Burgers with Hugo Chávez. And Evo Morales might stop by later, with an eighth of his famous Inca Herb. [Michelle Malkin]

Tags: angela merkel, health care, hugo chavez, rumors on the internets, redstate, sam brownback
Posted in Wonkette | 14 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Matt Taibbi Thinks He’s Some Hot-Shot Linguist, Like Henry Higgins

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

Michelle Obama is the spokeswoman for the new and groovy United We Serve initiative. But consider this: first we were asked to “stand” united and now the government wants us to “serve” united? That’s a big leap there, going from just standing around to “cleaning up a neighborhood park”, united. Baby steps Michelle, baby steps. [The Caucus]
What? Matt Taibbi has posted some sort of odd video from Russia, which he claims is very funny if you are like him and understand Russian. But wait, before you assume Taibbi is some sort of bilingual Tolstoy-reading Cossack genius: he posted the video at 1:02 a.m.! Yeah okay Matt, everyone speaks fluent Russian — when they’re drunk! This is so unlike you. [Matt Taibbi]
Some poor immigrant family had their door kicked in at 4:00 a.m by a SWAT team, which then proceeded to handcuff all the teenage girls in the room. Whoops, wrong door! And then Montgomery County generously offered the distraught family “a couple of movies passes” as compensation. And then the ACLU laughed and laughed and laughed. And laughed. [Hit & Run]
RedState has expensive-looking Venn diagrams to show how every state is debt-ridden and practically foreclosed! Oh no, does this mean Mexico gets California back? [RedState]
Every night our cultured, worldly President cooks a big pot of traditional Pakistani tuna casserole and then reads mystical Urdu poetry until it’s time for bed. Jesus Obama, why don’t you and Taibbi get married so you can speak Russian together? The rest of us will be watching television, like normal red white and blue-blooded Americans. [Politico]

Tags: debt, matt taibbi, mexico, michelle obama, rumors on the internets, russia, united we serve
Posted in Wonkette | 43 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Michelle Malkin Is Furious That David Rohde Is Twittering From Iran, Because Doesn’t He Care About Iranian National Security?

Monday, June 22nd, 2009

Here is FBI footage of Marion Barry at what is obviously a Victor Uwaifo concert, and look, Marion is dancing the Crip Walk! — which unfortunately for him is a massive violation of his parole. Will Barry do time for dabbling in a little harmless inverted heel-toe, or will he manage to beat the charges? [Flickr]
Oh hey it’s Iran’s favorite squirt gun salesman Oliver North, the American Hero who wore necklaces made of human skulls during his 100 voluntary tours in Vietnam. And he’s teaming up with a few zany Congressloons to bring you: Judeo-Christian Sovereignty Force, which is a new and very humorous cartoon on Adult Swim. [TPM]
State Rep. Cynthia Davis (R-MO) hates how Big Government gives “food handouts” to impoverished children, because God knows they probably just spend all that food on alcohol and even if they don’t, “Hunger can be a positive motivator.” [Think Progress]
Why is New York Times journalist David Rohde safe when our military is in infinite peril? So typical, especially because we all know who threatens our National Security: yes you, David Rohde, and all the other blabbermouth journalists! [Michelle Malkin]
Aspiring Florida Senator Marco Rubio has been fantasizing on Twitter about how great it would be if everyone in Iran had a gun, because guns have prevented suspicious elections in Florida many many times, more times than we could count without having to recount just to make sure we counted correctly. [HuffPost]

Tags: doug feith, guns, iran, marion barry, oliver north, rumors on the internets
Posted in Wonkette | 48 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

USS John McCain To Nuke George Will

Sunday, June 21st, 2009

Michele Bachmann, Joe Lieberman, Sarah Palin, the Washington Post op-ed section and New York City all spent the past week being complete assholes. [Paul Slansky]
Even if you look like some big bald chipmunk-cheeked giant baby — you know, John McCain — that doesn’t mean you will necessarily lose elections, like John McCain loses elections. [Alex Pareene]
John McCain’s girlfriend Lindsey Graham went on a Sunday news-chat show and started lisping about John McCain’s dumb criticisms of Obama’s cool handling of the crazy Iran situation, and George Will said, “You, Lindsey Graham, are a pathetic old fool.” [Think Progress]
John McCain is such a belligerent jackhole for making his idiotic, dangerous comments about how if HE somehow had become president, he would make sure that whole Iranian democratic revolution crashed as quickly as every plane he ever piloted … or so says Peggy Noonan, anyway. [Wall Street Journal]
An actual Navy destroyer ship called the “USS John McCain” has gone rogue and will soon attack North Korea, to get back at Charlie for good this time. [Fox News]

Tags: rumors on the internets, remainders, weekend edition
Posted in Wonkette | 43 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

What Would Jesus Do If A Fly Landed On Him While Being Interviewed By John Harwood?

Thursday, June 18th, 2009

CNBC Jamaican Financial Psychic Jim Cramer just wants to do his televised Tarot reading in peace, but Barack Obama keeps calling in and asking tiresome questions about the future. Enough already! [Think Progress]
There is Andrew Sullivan, Heir of Isildur, who hails from the faraway Atlantic. And then there is Anonymous, your teenage son, who comes from the Basement. They are part of the Fellowship of the Internet, and they must stop Sauron from stealing the election in Iran. [AMERICAblog]
You look stressed. Why don’t you light a few candles, hop in the tub and relax to the celebrated album Whale Sounds and Michelle Malkin? The first track — “Closing Guantanamo is the easy and lazy thing to do” — always puts us in a magical Enya-like trance. [Michelle Malkin]
For today’s RedState Bible Study we will be reading 1 Kings 3:16-28, The Judgement of King Obama: “And two women appeared before Obama and began to bicker in a most incommodious manner, both insisting they were the mother of some unborn baby, which wise King Obama knew was impossible. Finally, the King rose from his gilded throne and bellowed, ‘Bring the unborn child to me, so that I may abort it with my sword.’ And then King Obama swatted a fly that landed on his arm. The End.” [RedState]

Tags: andrew sullivan, anonymous, barack obama, guantanamo, iran, jim cramer, rumors on the internets
Posted in Wonkette | 35 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

Ari Fleischer Declares Mission Accomplished In Iran, While Aboard The U.S.S. Chowderhead

Tuesday, June 16th, 2009

After starting a rumor that Senator Robert Byrd had passed away, Caroline Kennedy did her civic duty and volunteered herself as the third senator from New York. [RedState]
Guano faucet Ari Fleischer doesn’t want to take all the credit for exporting freedom to Iran, but hey, modesty is its own reward. [Think Progress]
Every day Henry Paulson asks Jesus to heal his inner hurt, because Henry is a Christian Scientist and isn’t allowed to seek proper medical treatment for all the hilarious shit Matt Taibbi writes about him. [Matt Taibbi]
Lots of ungrateful single working mothers are whining about how they receive a $25 golden parachute from the government every week, because now that the bailout has made them all filthy rich, they no longer qualify for $300 in food stamps every month. When AIG received their weekly $25 bailout, you didn’t hear them complaining about how they no longer qualified for government spa treatments or partridge hunts at Mr. Darcy’s country estate in Derbyshire! [HuffPost]
When Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi sees a black person on the street he says, “Oh wow you have a nice tan.” And when he stumbles upon a woman with a very large belly he inquires, “Are you fat or just pregnant?” Silvio’s Hot Cop-Humpin’ Summer Comedy Tour begins today, here in Washington. [Swampland]

Tags: ari fleischer, barack obama, caroline kennedy, henry paulson, iran, rumors on the internets, robert byrd
Posted in Wonkette | 27 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

John Yoo Is America’s Most Painful Anal Fissure

Monday, June 15th, 2009

A brilliant graduate student has compiled thousands of shocking photographs from North Korea, after visiting the country on Google Earth. How did we not know about North Korea’s trees and hills and stuff, which according to these photographs are practically everywhere, and how much longer before they’re auctioned off to the highest terrorist-bidder? [HuffPost]
TIME Magazine’s Eunuch of the Year John Yoo will testify in court about how he purposely pees the bed every night. It’s true, John Yoo can’t sleep comfortably unless he’s covered in his own urine, and he really needs his rest because his Circadian rhythm is super sensitive to sleep deprivation. Good luck in court, John! [Think Progress]
The Left loves Racial Profiling because they both adore Belle & Sebastian and have so many hilarious inside jokes that you just wouldn’t get and when they’re at work, they call each other every half hour. They are in love and every night they snuggle on the beach until the tide carries them away. And just because you can’t understand it, RedState — that doesn’t mean it’s not real. Because it is and it’s beautiful. [RedState]
The Jews have ruined Ahmadinejad’s landslide victory by using Twitter to expose his terrible regime. Please appreciate this: “@BabakMehrabani is saying that he was beaten by a baton and his right hand is numb. He is twitting with the left hand.” [The Daily Dish]

Tags: iran, john yoo, north korea, rumors on the internets, racial profiling
Posted in Wonkette | 22 Comments »

RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

David Blaine Should Be A Marine Sniper, For Reasons That Are Obvious

Thursday, June 11th, 2009

Hey! Have you heard about hydrogen barackside, the disinfectant that “kills capitalism on contact?” Ha Ha. It kills capitalism on contact. Not to be confused with the soothing effect of crack mccaine, which “makes sucking that dick so worth it.” [RedState]
During these troubled times, Marine Snipers need to learn how to resist torture, just in case they’re captured by the Americans. That’s why David Blaine runs a special summer camp where he locks soldiers in concrete footlockers until their legs turn to linguine or has them stand on a 100-foot pole for 35 hours in lousy weather. Some critics say David Blaine expects too much from his campers, but really it’s for their own good. [Andrew Sullivan]
Desmond Tutu is very excited that Barack Obama is a black man, because this Halloween he won’t have to buy a fancy mask like last year when he went trick-or-treating as Ross Perot. [HuffPost]
Do you perchance recall comedic genius and rightful heir to the Fox and Friends throne, Peter Doocy? You know, the chap who theorized Hillary Clinton was “hitting the sauce” and then invited John McCain over for strippers and Jello shots back at his dorm room? Well, prepare yourself for: P. Doocy, Fox News General Assignment Reporter, and you can bet your bottom he’s going to report on all the General Issues the Liberal Media ignores, like whether Hillary Clinton is still a virgin and if she showers in the morning or at night or not at all! [Think Progress]

Tags: barack obama, hillary clinton, peter doocy, rumors on the internets, torture
Posted in Wonkette | 36 Comments »