Wonkette

Wonkette Pregnancy Expert Sara K. Smith decrees that these whispers about Sarah Palin not being that baby’s mama are absurd, because everybody knows John Edwards is the mother of that baby. This supposed cover-up is also terrifically quaint compared to the actual crimes that Alaskan politicians commit every day: bribery, servant monkey commerce, more bribery, and of course the rape of our sacred English language. Plus didn’t everybody see The 40 Year Old Virgin? Hot grandmas are in. P.S. GODDAMMIT YOU ILLITERATE CRETINS IT IS “DOWN” SYNDROME, NOT “DOWN’S” SYNDROME. [Daily Kos]

Hell, we don’t know: “A Republican source confirms that John McCain has chosen Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to be his running mate. Campaign officials, however, remain mum this morning.” One plane-tracking Wonkette reader notes that the plane that may have flown Palin into Ohio last night was classified as type “GLF.” HMMMMMMMM. UPDATE: CNN confirms that it’s Palin. [Chicago Tribune, FlightAware]

Everyone should thank CNN today for thoroughly debunking the “rumor” that Barack Obama is the Antichrist (seriously, this is somehow classified as a “rumor,” that Obama may have magical powers). The big headline, “OBAMA THE ANTICHRIST?” along with the subhed claiming that this is a real “debate” online and thousands of other images of ANTICHRIST ANTICHRIST EVIL SATAN were very necessary for the viewers watching said debunking. Raw Story has the video. Oh and let’s thank CNN for covering this same thing yesterday, too. [Raw Story]

As we all know, racist old colostomy bag Jesse Helms bravely died on the patriotic anti-gay July 4 day of American Independence … or did he? Our sources in North Carolina say there’s an insane nursing-home cover-up engineered by the Jesse Helms Center’s goons to make gullible racist Americans believe Helms died and went to Hell in the early hours of July 4, when his rancid body actually expired on the night of July 3! MORE »

The untouchables who sit by the Ganges plucking human waste from the river hold the most thankless job in the world. The American vice president holds the second most thankless job in the world. So it’s no surprise that most senators have zero interest in the position — except for Larry Craig, who admitted in a creepily protesting-too-much fashion that “I would say ‘No, Hillary.’” What are some other hilarious things America’s jokester senators might say to the presidential nominees if tapped for the number two spot? MORE »

Bush-groping robot-loving Foster MILF Michele Bachmann is America’s favorite Republican lady congressperson from Minnesota, but is the baby-farming beauty getting busy with a fellow lawmaker who is not her husband? Read the hot rumor that is suddenly sweeping the state, after the jump. MORE »

Those who have seen him in action have probably noticed something weird about America’s favorite Democratic presidential candidate with a decent jump shot. Obama’s always so … hopeful. Is it all the coke and the weed? Or is he consuming more prescription meds than Cindy McCain on a six-day bender at the Naval infirmary? MORE »

It is indeed a sad day in America when a “heterosexual” man can’t hang out all the time with his many gay friends at a local gay bar acting “very feminine” without somehow getting accused of gayness. And yet that is precisely the position gay Florida governor Charlie Crist confronts as one of the nation’s most rumor-dogged opponents of gay marriage. The owner of the Green Iguana bar in Tampa now says that back in the early 90s, when Crist had just begun his political career, the future governor frequented this very gay bar and felt right at home. MORE »

Is McCain in bed with a telecom lobbyist? We mean that in a metaphorical sense, obviously - the man would need more Viagra than Bob Dole, even. That being said, the world is a-buzz with rumors that McCain maybe did a couple of favors for a girl lobbyist and his campaign is trying to strong-arm the NY Times into sitting on the story. The McCain camp is denying everything. But, having been a girl-lobbyist, Drudge’s story smelled possibly good enough to be true, so I did some digging and made some phone calls and I didn’t find a smoking gun but I do smell something maybe a little fishy, too.

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* John Edwards smash! [Wizbang Politics] MORE »