Tag Archives: rumors

  Notorious BDB

NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio Does The Pot Like A Common Jazz Criminal, And The NYPD Is On It

Thanks to the NYPD’s recent unofficial work stoppage, it’s a great time to be a public urinator in New York. Loiterers are going shockingly unticketed and jaywalkers are free to ply their trade with impunity. There is, however, one suspected criminal in the city who’s getting plenty of police attention: Mayor Bill de Blasio. Read more on NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio Does The Pot Like A Common Jazz Criminal, And The NYPD Is On It…
  Ice Cream Mandrake. Children's Ice Cream

BREAKING: Jesse Ventura Wrong About Nazi Water Fluoridation

This is a man who knows about conspiracies
Of the many things that you may have been worried about this week, the good fact-checkers at Politifact would like to free you of one possible source of anxiety: No, the practice of water fluoridation did not begin in Nazi Germany. Please remain calm and go about your business. Read more on BREAKING: Jesse Ventura Wrong About Nazi Water Fluoridation…
  Ballots Over Broadway

Arizona GOP Will Murder All Early Voting, Unless It Is With Mitt Romney

Won't someone speak out against this sort of thing?
A couple days ago, we brought you the story of a completely fabricated wingnut outrage over a Latino man supposedly “caught” on video as he “stuffed a ballot box” in Arizona’s August primary. Except he wasn’t frauding anything at all. Read more on Arizona GOP Will Murder All Early Voting, Unless It Is With Mitt Romney…
  Birthers: The Next Generation

New Wingnut Theory (Or ‘Satire’?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies

Since this photo doesn't exist, maybe YOU DON'T EITHER! Whoa, we are all Philip K Dick today!
From the ugly world of Facebook, we received a recommendation to check out this story: “Evidence Emerges That Michelle Obama Never Birthed Malia And Sasha,” at something called “The U.S. Patriot,” whose “About” page assures us that they are “home to the best Conservative news on the internet.” Let’s see what this important story has to say! Read more on New Wingnut Theory (Or ‘Satire’?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies…
  so long and thanks for all the fish

Intelligence Community Cracking Down On Leaks About Weaponized Armored Dolphin Soldiers Probably

Fox News has uncovered chilling evidence that Bamz is running the least transparent, most fascist administration EVAH. America’s top spy, or department head, James Clapper has attacked freedom, by writing a strongly worded memo addressed to employees of the intelligence community. The memo dictates that: “employees …must obtain authorization for contacts with the media on covered matters through the office responsible for public affairs … and must also report to that office unplanned or unintentional contact with the media on covered matters” This is outrageous. How can we expect members of our intelligence community to not immediately share all information they receive with the nearest reporter? What about transparency?! What other organization has ever been subjected to such oppressive secrecy measures as handling media coverage through an office for public affairs? Oh, every organization you’ve ever worked for, you say? Read more on Intelligence Community Cracking Down On Leaks About Weaponized Armored Dolphin Soldiers Probably…
  man of steel

Cory Booker Refuses To Douse Hopes That Everyone Can Sleep With Him Maybe

OMG you guys, did you hear that Cory Booker might be gay? Well, actually, what he said was that he wasn’t necessarily ruling out the possibility that he may or may not be gay, or straight, or something! In an interview with the Washington Post, Booker said that since he has not yet acquired a “life partner,” some people speculate that he might be gay, and he doesn’t actually say that he isn’t. Now stop that swooning, all of you. Read more on Cory Booker Refuses To Douse Hopes That Everyone Can Sleep With Him Maybe…
  Knickers in a Twist

Panty-Related Rumor Roils County Prosecutor Race In Ohio

We feel just awful for Hocking County, Ohio, prosecutor Laina Fetherolf, a first-term Democrat whose campaign for reelection has been complicated by vicious rumors that sound like something out of an episode of Night Court. And we really feel awful about the fact that we are now going to make matters worse by talking even more about what did or did not happen with her panties after a wardrobe malfunction in court. So please accept our abject apologies, Ms. Fetherolf, and remember that we actually do believe your side of the story! Now, let’s talk about your underthings. Read more on Panty-Related Rumor Roils County Prosecutor Race In Ohio…
  gay old party

Homosexual Mafia Infiltrating, Destroying Herman Cain Campaign

Buried halfway through this rumor-heavy Politico INSIDE SCOOP about the implosion of Herman Cain’s campaign is one particularly fun piece of total hearsay alleging that Cain’s Iowa staff is crumbling “after weeks of swirling rumors between Cain’s staff and volunteers in the Hawkeye State accusing each other of affairs, homosexuality and professional misconduct.” Yes, why hadn’t we thought of that before, it was the homosexuals, ruining everyone’s political careers again. So now the FBI will probably have to go investigate before this turns into another one of those gay Ronald Reagan Lake Tahoe sex parties from the sixties that made everyone think about naked Jack Kemp when he was Bob Dole’s running mate. If it hasn’t already, that is.  Read more on Homosexual Mafia Infiltrating, Destroying Herman Cain Campaign…
  things that may unleash great puns

Rumor Thing Accuses John Boehner of Boning Lobbyist

It appears that a rumor about John Boehner having an affair with a lobbyist is forming out of thin air after some Daily Kos guy said it was a rumor, so now it is a rumor. The New York Post got to the bottom of this thing: It’s a liberal blogger/media conspiracy to take down Boehner. “‘Catching Boehner with a mistress is the only way to destroy him politically before the election,’ a source said.” Oh yes, that Boehner is rock hard! Nothing can defeat it except an affair, as it is a very good leader. So who exactly is going to take down Boehner? That evil Jew York Times, of course. Read more on Rumor Thing Accuses John Boehner of Boning Lobbyist…
  parting is such sweet sorrow

Farewell Interns: You Will Be Missed?

Oh the interns! They were everywhere, but now they’re leaving, so it’s time to say goodbye to DC’s Summer Slave Class. They came, they stapled, threw up on bars, ran around half-naked, and accomplished … nothing. And so, Interns, as you put the final touches on your collages, or whatever you did for your One Summer Project that no one will ever, ever care about, it’s important to remember that sitting in an office all summer making no money didn’t make you any more employable, not by any means. But, no, really, we thank you for your service to DC, and mostly for doing the work junior staff hates doing. Read more on Farewell Interns: You Will Be Missed?…
  bored rich people screwing each other

Al Gore & Laurie David: Did They Have 2-Year Sexytime Affair?!

Whoa, forget the oil spill, here is some tabloid sexytime gossip about Al Gore: The Star reports tonight that Gore has been having a sex affair for two years with Laurie David, the environmental activist and ex-wife of teevee grouch Larry David. Is this true? Well it was true about another southern politician who wanted to be president and some lady sort of connected peripherally to the entertainment business, as reported by a different tabloid, two years ago! Read more on Al Gore & Laurie David: Did They Have 2-Year Sexytime Affair?!…
  hahaha so that's how law school works?

Georgetown Law Students Confused By Thought Experiment, Report Pretend John Roberts’ Retirement To Hollywood Gossip Website

So why did that dopey “Radar Online” website claim for a half-hour today that John Roberts was quitting the Supreme Court? Some first-year law student half heard the professor say something about John Roberts retiring for “health reasons,” didn’t realize it was part of a class exercise “on the validity of informants not explaining their sources,” and emailed the HAWT GOSSIP to the first thing that came to mind, a shitty Hollywood gossip site. And you wonder why lawyers are so fucking stupid. Read more on Georgetown Law Students Confused By Thought Experiment, Report Pretend John Roberts’ Retirement To Hollywood Gossip Website…
  whatever

John Roberts Quitting Supreme Court Because He’s Gay Or Something?

Look, we haven’t read “Radar Online” since it was actually Radar Online, when Alex Balk was editor and Choire Sicha was “the cat.” But whatever’s left of that site — OCTOMOM EATS OWN POOP, SUES BRAGJALINA!!! — is reporting that wingnut Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts is going to quit, for “personal reasons,” meaning he likes to wriggle around in excrement. And then Barack Obama can appoint … Tiger Woods? AND NOW FOR THE SHOCKING “JOHN ROBERTS IS TOTALLY GAY” PHOTO. Read more on John Roberts Quitting Supreme Court Because He’s Gay Or Something?…
  bomb south carolina from space

Mark Sanford Blamed For Some Bloggers Calling Some Other South Carolina Politican a Queer

Mark Sanford has admitted to a lot of sketchy behavior and pretty much constant lies about everything, and he is a weeping emo douche, but there’s one thing Mark Sanford wants you to know: HE DID NOT START THE RUMOR THAT HIS HATED RIVAL, LT. GOV. ANDRE BAUER, IS A BIG FAG. Somebody else must’ve done that. Still, “Andre Bauer” is such a gay name we don’t really need Mark Sanford to clue in the blogs, about that. [Palmetto Scoop] Read more on Mark Sanford Blamed For Some Bloggers Calling Some Other South Carolina Politican a Queer…
  ideas that are neither popular nor unpopular

Eliot Spitzer Might Be Doing Things, Political Things, In The Future Sometime

There are important rumors afoot that prosaic Slate columnist Eliot Spitzer will maybe try to hold an elected position again sometime soon. But which one? Any of them, really! State comptroller, let’s say. That’s a thing. Or maybe Kirsten Gillibrand’s Senate seat, because who even is she? Read more on Eliot Spitzer Might Be Doing Things, Political Things, In The Future Sometime…
  just like nancy reagan

Is Barack Obama’s Mother-In-Law A Black Witch?

Yes she is! Read it on the Internet, we did! Apparently Marian Robinson, Michelle Obama’s mother, performs Satanic “Afro-Hispanic” witchcraft rituals, in the White House. Barack Obama is piping mad, because how would this affect his IMAGE? Poorly! This story and all of its quotes are true. Jane Mayer of the New Yorker is one helluva reporter and would never make up something this incendiary. Oh… what is that, Intern Riley?… It’s from Townhall, not Jane Mayer of the New Yorker?… THEN IT’S EVEN TRUER. Read more on Is Barack Obama’s Mother-In-Law A Black Witch?…
  loose lips sink ships

Palin Lawyer Will Take Complaint Straight To Some Blogger’s Kindergarten Classroom If Necessary

Still no word on whether or not that whole “OMG Sarah and Todd are getting divorced” thing is any more true than the whole “OMG Palin is resigning because she’s under federal investigation” thing. Will these sorts of rumors fall into the same bucket as “Dick Cheney resigning as VP due to Libby/war crimes/etc. and will be replaced by Condi Rice,” or will they eventually be proven as factual as “John Edwards enjoyed boning dippy videographer while wife had cancer”? Time will tell! But in the meantime, here is a delightful letter from ex-governor Palin’s lawyer, offering to frighten a room full of little children because a blogger was spreading rumors about Sarah Palin’s marriage. [AlaskaReport] Read more on Palin Lawyer Will Take Complaint Straight To Some Blogger’s Kindergarten Classroom If Necessary…
  meh

OH GOD, DO WE AGREE WITH MEG STAPLETON? Man, a lot of you people are taking this thing quite seriously! Who knows if any of it is true, because my oh my, that’s some sketchy sourcing — it doesn’t even exist, in fact! And even if they were going to get a divorce, but wanted to keep it to themselves for now … that’s understandable. So everyone go PLAY OUTSIDE. The world is literally your oyster. [Alaska Report, Mediaite] Read more on …
  suicide missions

Herpes Triangle: Five Bars, One Mission

There’s a quaint little area of popular, resoundingly trashy bars on M street between Connecticut and 23rd, lovingly referred to as Herpes Triangle.  Here the alcohol runs freely, interns are viable bait, and the likelihood of getting alcohol poisoning, vomited upon or groped by strangers is almost guaranteed.  Welcome to DC’s Mecca for drinking and debauchery. Read more on Herpes Triangle: Five Bars, One Mission…
  rumors on the weekend talk shows

Jindal To Run For Senate in 2010?

Bobby Jindal was supposed to be elected President in 2012 after America realized what a goofball Barack Obama was, spending money on volcano research and other pointless endeavors while a budget hawk like Jindal waited in the wings ready to swoop in with hot money-saving tips. But now Jindal’s, and indeed America’s, dreams may be put on hold while Jindal runs for Senate instead. Read more on Jindal To Run For Senate in 2010?…
  elephants will walk the streets

St. Patrick’s Day: Did You Know It’s Almost Here?

America’s longwinded celebration of St. Patrick’s Day is really almost over. And here are your last opportunities to guzzle discounted chocolate stouts and see actual live elephants walk through town, for Ireland. Read more on St. Patrick’s Day: Did You Know It’s Almost Here?…
  paul begala is wetting himself with delight

Norm Coleman For RNC Chair!

Senator Norm Coleman is famous for so many dumb things: for getting his wife mysteriously teleported into a re-election campaign commercial, for sleeping in a drawer, for making publicly available all the information you would need to go on a million-dollar Truck Nutz shopping spree using his donors’ credit cards. Also he continues to fail at winning re-election to the Senate. With at track record like this, he’s only got one place to go in the Republican party: up. Read more on Norm Coleman For RNC Chair!…