Tag Archives: rumors

  What's Next? Lube Subsidies?

Open Enrollment For Gay Reparations Beginning Soon, According To Anonymous Moron

The gay Nazis are coming for all your moneys!
We’re guessing this one has only a thin hope of joining ACORN and Jade Helm 15 in the Great Big Catalogue of Rightwing Fears, but let’s document the specimen just in case it manages to thrive. Over at Gateway Pundit, Stupidest Guest Blogger on the Internet Kristinn Taylor thinks he may have found evidence of a leftist/media (same thing) plan to start demanding reparations for past discrimination against gays, as carefully documented by a guy who heard a thing from a “national reporter.” It only makes sense, because look how much success The Blacks have had at winning reparations for slavery and Jim Crow! Read more on Open Enrollment For Gay Reparations Beginning Soon, According To Anonymous Moron…
  Notorious BDB

NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio Does The Pot Like A Common Jazz Criminal, And The NYPD Is On It

Thanks to the NYPD’s recent unofficial work stoppage, it’s a great time to be a public urinator in New York. Loiterers are going shockingly unticketed and jaywalkers are free to ply their trade with impunity. There is, however, one suspected criminal in the city who’s getting plenty of police attention: Mayor Bill de Blasio. Read more on NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio Does The Pot Like A Common Jazz Criminal, And The NYPD Is On It…
  Ice Cream Mandrake. Children's Ice Cream

BREAKING: Jesse Ventura Wrong About Nazi Water Fluoridation

This is a man who knows about conspiracies
Of the many things that you may have been worried about this week, the good fact-checkers at Politifact would like to free you of one possible source of anxiety: No, the practice of water fluoridation did not begin in Nazi Germany. Please remain calm and go about your business. Read more on BREAKING: Jesse Ventura Wrong About Nazi Water Fluoridation…
  Birthers: The Next Generation

New Wingnut Theory (Or ‘Satire’?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies

Since this photo doesn't exist, maybe YOU DON'T EITHER! Whoa, we are all Philip K Dick today!
From the ugly world of Facebook, we received a recommendation to check out this story: “Evidence Emerges That Michelle Obama Never Birthed Malia And Sasha,” at something called “The U.S. Patriot,” whose “About” page assures us that they are “home to the best Conservative news on the internet.” Let’s see what this important story has to say! Read more on New Wingnut Theory (Or ‘Satire’?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies…
  so long and thanks for all the fish

Intelligence Community Cracking Down On Leaks About Weaponized Armored Dolphin Soldiers Probably

Fox News has uncovered chilling evidence that Bamz is running the least transparent, most fascist administration EVAH. America’s top spy, or department head, James Clapper has attacked freedom, by writing a strongly worded memo addressed to employees of the intelligence community. The memo dictates that: “employees …must obtain authorization for contacts with the media on covered matters through the office responsible for public affairs … and must also report to that office unplanned or unintentional contact with the media on covered matters” This is outrageous. How can we expect members of our intelligence community to not immediately share all information they receive with the nearest reporter? What about transparency?! What other organization has ever been subjected to such oppressive secrecy measures as handling media coverage through an office for public affairs? Oh, every organization you’ve ever worked for, you say? Read more on Intelligence Community Cracking Down On Leaks About Weaponized Armored Dolphin Soldiers Probably…
  man of steel

Cory Booker Refuses To Douse Hopes That Everyone Can Sleep With Him Maybe

OMG you guys, did you hear that Cory Booker might be gay? Well, actually, what he said was that he wasn’t necessarily ruling out the possibility that he may or may not be gay, or straight, or something! In an interview with the Washington Post, Booker said that since he has not yet acquired a “life partner,” some people speculate that he might be gay, and he doesn’t actually say that he isn’t. Now stop that swooning, all of you. Read more on Cory Booker Refuses To Douse Hopes That Everyone Can Sleep With Him Maybe…
  Knickers in a Twist

Panty-Related Rumor Roils County Prosecutor Race In Ohio

We feel just awful for Hocking County, Ohio, prosecutor Laina Fetherolf, a first-term Democrat whose campaign for reelection has been complicated by vicious rumors that sound like something out of an episode of Night Court. And we really feel awful about the fact that we are now going to make matters worse by talking even more about what did or did not happen with her panties after a wardrobe malfunction in court. So please accept our abject apologies, Ms. Fetherolf, and remember that we actually do believe your side of the story! Now, let’s talk about your underthings. Read more on Panty-Related Rumor Roils County Prosecutor Race In Ohio…
  gay old party

Homosexual Mafia Infiltrating, Destroying Herman Cain Campaign

Buried halfway through this rumor-heavy Politico INSIDE SCOOP about the implosion of Herman Cain’s campaign is one particularly fun piece of total hearsay alleging that Cain’s Iowa staff is crumbling “after weeks of swirling rumors between Cain’s staff and volunteers in the Hawkeye State accusing each other of affairs, homosexuality and professional misconduct.” Yes, why hadn’t we thought of that before, it was the homosexuals, ruining everyone’s political careers again. So now the FBI will probably have to go investigate before this turns into another one of those gay Ronald Reagan Lake Tahoe sex parties from the sixties that made everyone think about naked Jack Kemp when he was Bob Dole’s running mate. If it hasn’t already, that is.  Read more on Homosexual Mafia Infiltrating, Destroying Herman Cain Campaign…
  things that may unleash great puns

Rumor Thing Accuses John Boehner of Boning Lobbyist

It appears that a rumor about John Boehner having an affair with a lobbyist is forming out of thin air after some Daily Kos guy said it was a rumor, so now it is a rumor. The New York Post got to the bottom of this thing: It’s a liberal blogger/media conspiracy to take down Boehner. “‘Catching Boehner with a mistress is the only way to destroy him politically before the election,’ a source said.” Oh yes, that Boehner is rock hard! Nothing can defeat it except an affair, as it is a very good leader. So who exactly is going to take down Boehner? That evil Jew York Times, of course. Read more on Rumor Thing Accuses John Boehner of Boning Lobbyist…
  parting is such sweet sorrow

Farewell Interns: You Will Be Missed?

Oh the interns! They were everywhere, but now they’re leaving, so it’s time to say goodbye to DC’s Summer Slave Class. They came, they stapled, threw up on bars, ran around half–naked, and accomplished … nothing. And so, Interns, as you put the final touches on your collages, or whatever you did for your One Summer Project that no one will ever, ever care about, it’s important to remember that sitting in an office all summer making no money didn’t make you any more employable, not by any means. But, no, really, we thank you for your service to DC, and mostly for doing the work junior staff hates doing. Read more on Farewell Interns: You Will Be Missed?…
  bored rich people screwing each other

Al Gore & Laurie David: Did They Have 2-Year Sexytime Affair?!

Whoa, forget the oil spill, here is some tabloid sexytime gossip about Al Gore: The Star reports tonight that Gore has been having a sex affair for two years with Laurie David, the environmental activist and ex-wife of teevee grouch Larry David. Is this true? Well it was true about another southern politician who wanted to be president and some lady sort of connected peripherally to the entertainment business, as reported by a different tabloid, two years ago! Read more on Al Gore & Laurie David: Did They Have 2-Year Sexytime Affair?!…
  hahaha so that's how law school works?

Georgetown Law Students Confused By Thought Experiment, Report Pretend John Roberts’ Retirement To Hollywood Gossip Website

So why did that dopey “Radar Online” website claim for a half-hour today that John Roberts was quitting the Supreme Court? Some first-year law student half heard the professor say something about John Roberts retiring for “health reasons,” didn’t realize it was part of a class exercise “on the validity of informants not explaining their sources,” and emailed the HAWT GOSSIP to the first thing that came to mind, a shitty Hollywood gossip site. And you wonder why lawyers are so fucking stupid. Read more on Georgetown Law Students Confused By Thought Experiment, Report Pretend John Roberts’ Retirement To Hollywood Gossip Website…
  whatever

John Roberts Quitting Supreme Court Because He’s Gay Or Something?

Look, we haven’t read “Radar Online” since it was actually Radar Online, when Alex Balk was editor and Choire Sicha was “the cat.” But whatever’s left of that site — OCTOMOM EATS OWN POOP, SUES BRAGJALINA!!! — is reporting that wingnut Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts is going to quit, for “personal reasons,” meaning he likes to wriggle around in excrement. And then Barack Obama can appoint … Tiger Woods? AND NOW FOR THE SHOCKING “JOHN ROBERTS IS TOTALLY GAY” PHOTO. Read more on John Roberts Quitting Supreme Court Because He’s Gay Or Something?…
  bomb south carolina from space

Mark Sanford Blamed For Some Bloggers Calling Some Other South Carolina Politican a Queer

Mark Sanford has admitted to a lot of sketchy behavior and pretty much constant lies about everything, and he is a weeping emo douche, but there’s one thing Mark Sanford wants you to know: HE DID NOT START THE RUMOR THAT HIS HATED RIVAL, LT. GOV. ANDRE BAUER, IS A BIG FAG. Somebody else must’ve done that. Still, “Andre Bauer” is such a gay name we don’t really need Mark Sanford to clue in the blogs, about that. [Palmetto Scoop] Read more on Mark Sanford Blamed For Some Bloggers Calling Some Other South Carolina Politican a Queer…
  ideas that are neither popular nor unpopular

Eliot Spitzer Might Be Doing Things, Political Things, In The Future Sometime

There are important rumors afoot that prosaic Slate columnist Eliot Spitzer will maybe try to hold an elected position again sometime soon. But which one? Any of them, really! State comptroller, let’s say. That’s a thing. Or maybe Kirsten Gillibrand’s Senate seat, because who even is she? Read more on Eliot Spitzer Might Be Doing Things, Political Things, In The Future Sometime…