Yikes, what is going on at the Census Bureau? Wonkette operative “Jon S.” reports, “An announcement just came over the loudspeaker saying nobody is allowed to enter or leave the U.S. Census Bureau, except security personnel. Oh noes, sinister members of congress are trying to eliminate statistical sampling methods!” And, moments later, he adds: “Rumor has it that helicopters are involved ….” WTF?

• MORE TIME TO READ YOUR WONKETTE! Ooh, they’ve released the March Jobs Report, let’s see whats we gots here… GAHH! It’s terrible. We must be in a recession! 663,000 jobs were slashed last month, and the unemployment rate rose to 8.5% while the secret “real” unemployment rate rose to 15.6%. Weekly initial jobless claims rose from 657,000 to 669,000 in the largest increase since October 1982. [AP, CNN]

• THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU IGNORE ‘GOD’: A cynical operative e-mails us this terrible breaking news about the 621 Million Dollar Building: “The CVC was evacuated around 1:30. All the tunnels are closed off.. half a dozen fire trucks and police cars outside. We’re all going to die.” Hope not! (-ish). UPDATE: Eh, just some dickhead welder. [NBC Washington]

• YIKES: “MIAMI (AP) - A man is being held in Florida by federal authorities on charges of threatening to assassinate Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama. …The Secret Service says Geisel made the threat during a training class for bail bondsmen in Miami in late July. Another tipster said Geisel also threatened President Bush.” And yet no one cared about the threat to Our Greatest President Bush? Goddamnit, Miami. [AP]