You may have seen Rudy Giuliani, a stupid fucking idiot, all over the teevee during the Democratic National Convention. Today he visited a TERRORISM EXHIBIT in Denver, one which he probably created in the last year just so he could tour it during the Democratic National Convention. He said that we must Never Regret, or what is it, Never Fret, or Never Forfeit, or FORGET, because “that’s the kind of thinking that got us into the problem into the first place.” Hey man, we’re sure everyone in America hopes that anti-terrorism government officials are doing their best. And we’re also hoping that the mayors of major American cities are protecting their cities from obvious shit like planes flying into buildings. [CBS News]

As you know, the worst mayor ever of anything, Rudy Giuliani, will deliver the keynote address at his party’s convention. Rudy Giuliani is a fucking stupid rat-demon whose pathetic 5th place campaign couldn’t even make it past January after 12 months of exploiting, for political purposes, the deaths of thousands of innocent civilians whose safety he, as mayor of the attacked city, was supposed to protect. He really is the most appropriate symbol for the Republican convention that follows eight years of George W. Bush, although probably not for the same reasons that the speaker selection committee chose him. Anyway he had a conference call today and just completely bombed on it, because he’s fucking stupid. MORE »

LOLLLLLLZZZZZ: “WASHINGTON (AP) - Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani will give the keynote address at the Republican National Convention next month.” COMEDY. GOLD. [AP]

Many of us freaked out today when John McCain voiced this unusual piece of his mind: “I think it’s very clear that Russian ambitions are to restore the old Russian Empire. Not the Soviet Union, but the Russian Empire.” How does anyone arrive at that after reading about the situation between Russia and Georgia? Jesus. But then again, are we just getting soft? Think back to the glory days of the Republican primary season. All of the candidates launched into over-the-top fear babble of this nature on a daily basis, and it was usually more insane! So let’s check out two of our favorite ads from late last year — one from Mitt Romney and another from Rudy Giuliani — and laugh at monstrous bullshit all over again. MORE »

Good lord: “The son of former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani is suing Duke University, claiming he was wrongfully kicked off the golf team. Andrew Giuliani claims he was dismissed without cause from the golf team earlier this year because coach O.D. Vincent III wanted to cut the team of 13 players by about half. The lawsuit claims the coach has interferred with Giuliani’s efforts toward becoming a professional golfer.” That basically says everything that needs to be said. Enjoy your annual divorce ritual in adulthood, Andrew. [AP]

Here is some terribly offensive bit of non-circulating Liberian currency. It’s a $20 “Silver Leaf Coin-Certificate,” but nine plus eleven equals twenty, so that’s what they have on the back of the bill. You do the math: as we all suspected, the September 11th attacks were perpetrated by Liberian Masons, backed by Rudy 9iu11iani and a renegade band of numismatists, so that Sean Hannity could have his entire salary paid in these weird silver bills. The first person to get this tattooed on his or her back gets 40 million Truck Nutz courtesy of Wonkette. [9/11 Coin Certificate]

Rudy Giuliani, the greatest mayor of New York since Abraham Lincoln, has suddenly been unveiled as a “national security” surrogate for the McCain campaign and has started holding conference calls and interviews detailing how Barack Obama is literally Hitler and bin Laden, but more killing-er. Obama is naive Mr. September 10, while Giuliani and McCain are Mr. & Mrs. TUFF $EPTEMBER 12 PAYBACK. Here is one thing that Rudy actually said in a conference call today: “It is fair to say that Osama Bin Laden would be given new rights that nobody ever had before,” because Obama would pardon him and let him sleep in his Tony Rezko Mansion’s attic, the end. [TPM Election Central]

The former frontrunner for the Republican nomination and mayor of 9/11, Rudy Giuliani, is keeping himself busy with his consulting business these days, which has been booming ever since his highly successful presidential candidacy. He is now consulting in UKRAINE for some stupid mayor’s race, where His Candidate is a former boxer. Look at the great advice Rudy is giving his candidate: “If Vitaly is elected mayor of Kiev, my first piece of advice for him would be to say … no more corruption, corruption is over.” … Because of 9/11? [FP Passport]

Rudy Giuliani has well-known problems reconciling his Catholic faith with his favorite hobbies: destroying fetuses, living with terrible homosexuals and cavorting around town dressed as an old-fashioned gal. Yet he took High Mass when Pope Ratzi visited New York recently even though the Pope surely hates him. The Archbishop of New York is so upset with Rudy’s participation in this ancient pagan ritual that he has issued a statement condemning Giuliani, who was mayor of the city when planes crashed into two of its buildings. Read the “ha-ha funny” statement below. MORE »

John McCain, never a darling of the Limbaugh crowd, needs a running mate who can shore up his right-wing credentials: a god-fearing Christian who’s tough on immigration and can bring social conservatives back into the fold. And who better than a thrice-married, opera-loving abortionist Manhattan dandy who once presided over the nation’s largest sanctuary city, and who wowed the political punditry with his gloriously failed “Florida, then nothing” strategy? MORE »

Thanks to the Young Turks for making the video that will heal America: a retrospective of our dearly departed Republican candidates. God, these guys were fun. Fortunately, Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney will probably run again in four or eight years, and those candidacies will probably launch in a few months. In the meantime, vote in our poll for which monster you miss the most. MORE »