By the Comics Curmudgeon
Here is a dirty little secret about your Comics Curmudgeon: I actually have no idea how to draw. Really! None! Therefore, I probably have no place making fun of the earnest doodlings of others who only wish to entertain and educate us about the politics. Nevertheless! I have found that some political cartoonists seem to be having problems drawing the current spate of presidential candidates — which is weird, because you have a comically tall skinny black dude with big ears running against a bald-headed, chipmunk-cheeked old gnome. So this week, inadequate caricatures will be called out and shamed! (The Sarah Palin drawings actually seem to be pretty good, since cartoonists are studying her photos carefully, while masturbating.) MORE »

Over the summer we mentioned that Andrew Giuliani, the son of 9/11, was suing Duke University because “he was wrongfully kicked off the golf team,” because talent should have had nothing to do with whether he made the cut on a sports team. But maybe this stuff does: “Duke said in a court filing Wednesday that the 22-year-old Giuliani was properly suspended after throwing an apple in the face of another player, breaking a golf club during a tournament, injuring a teammate and becoming verbally abusive with a coach.” Andrew denies all of this, which brings us back to the original argument: that he sucks at golf. [Charlotte Observer via Above The Law]

Remember to leave your stockings out tonight, kids, because 9/11 comes but once a year! Rudy Giuliani will fly on his 9/11 Sleigh pulled by eight rats to deliver gifts to the world’s non-Muslim children — a ritual dating back to the First 9/11, when George W. Bush ordered Americans to go to the mall and buy shit to show Resolve. What will Rudy bring you this year? If you’re lucky, it’ll be a… fwuitcake! [YouTube]

Here’s the four-minute biographical video of Sarah Palin that was supposed to air before her speech last night — had Rudy Giuliani not gone on smearing his rat shit an extra 900 hours more than planned. They should’ve shown this anyway. It seems like something made by actual, civil adults, as opposed to the airless Giuliani-Palin speech twofer that dried the skulls of anyone capable of constructive thought. [TPM Election Central]

Like Sarah Palin said last night, mayors have Actual Responsibilities, unlike community organizers who just help poor people stay alive after their steel plant jobs are outsourced. And Sarah Palin’s responsibilities included funding “the meth capitol of Alaska,” as Alaskan State Troopers call the Wasilla region: “When authorities surrounded a converted bus housing a meth operation in Big Lake in January, a 13-year-old boy who answered the door bragged that his mom cooked the best meth in the valley, according to the troopers.” See? In Alaska, “Hockey Mom” is code for “Arctic Meth Princess.” [Andrew Sullivan]

9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11, the end. MORE »

Do you love to know what the politicians will say about an hour before they say it? Then you’ll love reading tonight’s speeches by nasty sex ferret Rudy Giuliani, Mormon charmer Mitt Romney, and “You Might Be A Redneck” star Mike Huckabee. Go ahead, read them or whatever. MORE »

John McCain’s best friend Ron Fournier, the Washington editor of the Associated Press, has written a nice news analysis about, what else, Sexism. He notes that McCain strategist Steve Schmidt’s dismissal of the “faux media scandal designed to destroy the first female Republican nominee for the vice president of the United States Famous” is only the beginning of a terrible two-month strategy to employ the SEX CARD, because what else is there to play? More hilariously, Fournier quotes famous wartime rat-fisting mayor Rudy Giuliani *calling other people sexist.* You know, Rudy! The one who dumped his second wife in a teevee news conference, because what the fuck. [AP]

You may have seen Rudy Giuliani, a stupid fucking idiot, all over the teevee during the Democratic National Convention. Today he visited a TERRORISM EXHIBIT in Denver, one which he probably created in the last year just so he could tour it during the Democratic National Convention. He said that we must Never Regret, or what is it, Never Fret, or Never Forfeit, or FORGET, because “that’s the kind of thinking that got us into the problem into the first place.” Hey man, we’re sure everyone in America hopes that anti-terrorism government officials are doing their best. And we’re also hoping that the mayors of major American cities are protecting their cities from obvious shit like planes flying into buildings. [CBS News]

As you know, the worst mayor ever of anything, Rudy Giuliani, will deliver the keynote address at his party’s convention. Rudy Giuliani is a fucking stupid rat-demon whose pathetic 5th place campaign couldn’t even make it past January after 12 months of exploiting, for political purposes, the deaths of thousands of innocent civilians whose safety he, as mayor of the attacked city, was supposed to protect. He really is the most appropriate symbol for the Republican convention that follows eight years of George W. Bush, although probably not for the same reasons that the speaker selection committee chose him. Anyway he had a conference call today and just completely bombed on it, because he’s fucking stupid. MORE »

LOLLLLLLZZZZZ: “WASHINGTON (AP) - Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani will give the keynote address at the Republican National Convention next month.” COMEDY. GOLD. [AP]