ronald reagan
‘Twas the night before Iowa, when all through the state, The wingnuts were fuming, their heads fat with hate. The caucus was planned, in just over a week, Yet the GOP candidates were unelectable freaks! The reporters were nestled in bedbug motels. Their noses recoiling from strange Iowa smells, Of corn syrup fields, and thick [...]
A notorious hedge fund manager found guilty of the most blatant insider securities trading since the Reagan Era was sentenced to 11 years in federal prison today, which experts hope will “calm everyone the fuck down and maybe stop this revolution.” But the fat, diabetic billionaire’s mild prison sentence for his organized crime spree and [...]
Herman Cain knows how to turn America into a vast nation of slobs who eat shitty take-out pizza (paid for with Social Security disability checks and Food Stamps) seven times a week. Why won’t Republicans make him the new president? Well for one thing, Herman Cain has a gang of radical homosexuals running his campaign. [...]
Dr. Ron Paul’s portion of the Internet is goin’ nutz over the rumored grab-ass Rick Perry was trying to strong-arm Doctor Congressman Paul with, during the Reagan Gravesite Debate. Why is Rick Perry such a violent psychopath? Does he just hate freedom so much that he went over and tried to beat up a whiny [...]
Did they miss anything? Thanks to whoever suffered through two hours of GOP debate video to find the only word and the only name that matters. [BuzzFeed via @stevesilberman]
We cannot read through all 1,004 comments from last night’s debate liveblogging — this is why comments are robotically moderated, and why we depend upon you to alert us to spammers ‘n lamers who must be banned — but a cursory glance last night revealed that nobody matched the goblins in our Republican Debate Blingee [...]
WHO HAS ALREADY PASSED OUT from alcohol poisoning, or masturbation, or both together for those extra magical unicorn points? Are you still with us? Is anyone still left, in America? We are not here, we are ghosts. None of this is real. Ronald Reagan is just the star of your zombie porn collection and Rick [...]
Hello fiends! Your editor is back tonight to do some hot Reagan Death Zombie liveblogging, and your other editor will be here later to take over, and if there was EVER a week to come back to Wonkette and “mind the gap” or whatever, this is a very bad one indeed. TONIGHT: Eight sociopaths suffering [...]
We are hearing some kind of rumor that the corpse of Ronald Reagan is walking around the former president’s library with a Rick Perry mask stapled over its face? Sure, that sounds like good television. We will be liveblogging it tonight! Join in for the fun at 7:45PM ET. OH LOOK A PREVIEW, The Politico [...]
OH MA GOD LOOK WHUT THEY DONE!!!! Vandals/ political cartoonists spray-painted a Hitler mustache on a giant mural in Tennessee celebrating Ronald Reagan’s withered, senile rat mug, marking the first “Obama is Hitler because he is Reagan” joke we have seen to date. That’s what this is, isn’t it? We cannot figure out what else [...]
Ron Paul officially entered the field for the Republican presidential nomination today. “That’s nice,” America replied. Let’s face it: the GOP field is terrible—a collection of accidental governors who were made obsolete by the dawn of the beeper, a pizza expert, and two genial but off-putting Mormon men wearing nice shirts and ties who would [...]
As they sat together around their radios stunned, Glenn Beck’s triumphant voice emerged from the bunker to deliver a speech about perseverance to his people. He is not dead. You cannot kill the spirit of Glenn Beck. As long as you keep hope, Glenn Beck with be there with you. He will be there in [...]
