BIG NEWS: The President Barack Obama was so bored yesterday that he just cold started nominatin’ folks. If you look somewhat far down the Official White House List of Nominations here, you will see the greatest news in history: Peggy Noonan, a columnist famous to children, is now President of Ronald Reagan. This is True. MORE »

Read this whole thing. [Sarah Palin's Accomplishments via Blue Gal]

Gee whiz, not even plague-ridden rodents phase BARACK OBAMA! It’s true: Once upon a time young Barry Obama was talking on the telephone — as Chicago lawyers often do — when quite out of nowhere a grimy rat scurried across the floor and climbed up his leg. TONY REZKO had threatened to unleash the rats if the rent was ever late, but Barry thought he was just joshing and so did Barry’s law partner BILL AYERS, who feared all species of vermin and instinctively jumped out the window. But Obama? Obama was cool as a cucumber, and offered the rat a smoke … MORE »

A TAWDRY WORDFIGHT erupted yesterday on the Chris Matthews program between Frank Gaffney, some shouty, mid-level hawk, and Ronald Reagan’s son, Ron Reagan. “Do you want the Taliban to be Afghanistan’s government?? Taliban, Ron,” Gaffney screams at Reagan, who’s like, “…” Then Reagan essentially tells Frank Gaffney that he and all his stupid arguments are red herrings, like red herrings in a barrel that you shoot easily. And then, THEN, Gaffney’s all, “Your father must hate you so hard from beyond the grave.” This displeases Ron Reagan so! [TPM]

CBS’ Chip Reid, who loves such things as Dick Cheney, is furious at the White House and Robert Gibbs for essentially giving Barack Obama the Nobel Peace Prize, and then accepting it. Where’s Ronald Reagan’s Prize? Jimmy Carter, Al Gore, and Barack Obama — all gays. MORE »

Win o’ the morning goes to the fanciful Wall Street Journal banking pamphlet, for its journalism! “Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin delivered her first major international speech today in Hong Kong at an investor conference. The speech was closed to the media, but The Wall Street Journal reviewed a recording of the event.” And published excerpts! That’s right, these aren’t your grandfather’s lame-o pre-released excerpts from the planned speech — they’re the hot hot hot transcriptions of Sarah Palin’s delivery! Oh boy. MORE »

Sarah Palin is so super-maverick-y now that she won’t even honor her vow to make a speech at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, where she was scheduled to speak at the Simi Valley Republican Ladies Group Fund-raiser for Republicans, a very widely reported exciting event that was to be her first public appearance since just quitting the governorship of Alaska because fuck those people, right? MORE »

Huzzah for the Golden State, where crazed prisoners will soon wander freely and the poor will wrestle for rat crumbs and all the parks will be closed and all the counties will be robbed of various monies and the GOP threatens to wreck even this rotten deal, because there is still a chance to make things even worse. Feeling smug out there, rest of America? Don’t. You’re next. MORE »

One-man circus Michael Jackson has officially died, and somebody is very, very happy about this news. (That “somebody” is Mark Sanford. Adios, Mark! Enjoy the rest of your life.) We, of course, could give a hoot about Michael Jackson, although your editor once free-lanced a “concert review” of Wacko Jacko’s post-pedophile (?) 1996 performance in Prague, and the National Enquirer paid something like $500, enough for a plane ticket back to America. So, thanks, Michael! Thanks for the good times, and thanks to Vladan for getting us the Ecstasy so we could tolerate that awful spectacle. Also, Michael, you sure did get yourself photographed with a lot of 1980s and ’90s presidents! You were truly the Barack Obama of that particular era. MORE »

Clip o’ the century, folks, clip o’ the century. Here is our favorite Fox & Friends star Steve Doocy wearing his mother’s finest Christmas sweater in a DC local news segment from 1988. The story is about one “A-peeling Guy” trying to give the Washington Redskins a potato. BUT! BUT! According to the subject of the story, who posted this clip on YouTube, STEVE DOOCY INSULTED RONALD REAGAN. MORE »

PEGGY NOONAN TRUMPETS BAWDY CONCUPISCENCE TOWARD FELLOW LADYINGTON NANCY PELOSI: Word-writing human Peggington Noonington loveth Ronald Reagan much in today’s edition of her holy word-compilation, “Declarations.” But doth she loveth the visage of Nancington Pelosi the more? “At public events Mrs. Pelosi always tries to look engaged, a pleasant half-smile on her face. This is a courtesy women in their middle years unconsciously give to the world. It is precious and largely unremarked. You see it on the street in small towns.” Yet hath Peggingtonshire ever setteth foot-to-cobblestone in any hamlet smallether than New Amsterdam? [WSJ]