Tag Archives: ronald reagan

  wonksplainer

More Than Corndog Fellatio Pics: The Iowa State Fair, Wonksplained

Perry seems to have better technique
Rick Perry wins on technique. Every few years, we are #blessed with photos of politicians deep-throating a corndog at Iowa’s state fair. But did you know that there is more to the Iowa State Fair than hot politician-on-food pics? There’s enough meat-on-sticks to make Rick Santorum yearn for a return to the Senate’s weekly butt-fuck night (Tuesdays at 7 pm in Russell 290). There’s a cow made out of enough butter to make Paula Deen momentarily forget the good ol’ days of plantation living. But what makes politicians line up to shake the hands of babies and kiss farmers? What’s this fair all about? Let’s wonksplain. Read more on More Than Corndog Fellatio Pics: The Iowa State Fair, Wonksplained…
  He Makes Us Mad. He makes Us Mean Mad

Ted Cruz Chooses Perfect Day To Be A Dick To Jimmy Carter

English lacks sufficient invective for this man
English lacks sufficient invective for this smug excuse for a human being. Sen. Ted Cruz, displaying the warmth and basic decency that have made him a legend among near-human beings, chose the day after former President Jimmy Carter announced that he has brain cancer to natter on about how terrible a president Carter was, but at least the man only had a single term before Ronald Reagan Saved America. Read more on Ted Cruz Chooses Perfect Day To Be A Dick To Jimmy Carter…
  Cash she wants cash

What The Hell Does Sarah Palin Want Now?

The face of the Republican Party.
The face of the Republican Party. Does Sarah want to be vice president when Donald Trump becomes “president,” because he already said he wants to tap her, in a government way? Does she want to Maverick her way into the You Betcha spot at the last minute and run for president? (Probably not, presidents don’t usually quit halfway through their terms unless they’ve been caught doing Watergate.) Is she just GRIFTING FOR CASH LIKE SHE ALWAYS DOES, because it beats getting a real job? All these questions come to mind as we watch this new “documentary” on how awesome she is, conveniently released the same week as the first Republican primary, because Palin has never seen limelight she didn’t want to toss word salad in the middle of. Read more on What The Hell Does Sarah Palin Want Now?…
  2060 Protest Sign: Keep Government Out Of My Obamacare!

Medicare Turns 50, F*ck You Zombie Reagan

Today’s a special birthday! Fifty years ago today, Medicare and Medicaid were signed into law by that notorious communist, Lyndon Johnson. As a special treat, here’s Ronald Reagan telling us in 1961 that Medicare would inevitably lead to a socialist takeover of America, and by golly, he was right! Here we are, 50 years later, living under the thumb of a communist dictatorship, as oppressed Americans demand the government keep its filthy hands off their Medicare. Have any of you Olds taken the time to tell your children about how nice America was in 1965, when men were still free? Read more on Medicare Turns 50, F*ck You Zombie Reagan…
  What Good Is A Deal That Won't Let Us Bomb Iran?

Scott Walker Joins The ‘Tough On Iran Like Reagan Was’ Club

In 1980 and 1984, especially. By landslides, even.
Scott Walker is a man who knows what he believes in, even if some of it is kind of weird, like how he can beat ISIS because he told public employee unions to go get bent. And his foreign policy hero is the great Ronald Reagan, who didn’t let foreign enemies like air traffic controller unions boss him around. So it shouldn’t be too surprising that in his announcement speech, Scott Walker explained we can never have a nuclear deal with Iran, because under Jimmy Carter, Iran took 52 Americans hostages, and only freed them on Ronald Reagan’s first day in office. Read more on Scott Walker Joins The ‘Tough On Iran Like Reagan Was’ Club…
  All the tears

South Carolina Senator Cries Hilarious Man-Sobs For Confederate Flag Bested By Gayness

It was thiiiiis big!
The South Carolina Senate voted Tuesday to remove the Confederate Flag from the state Capitol grounds, sending the bill to the state House, and hopefully, eventually, to Gov. Nikki Haley’s desk. This is very bothersome for state Sen. Lee Bright (R-No Shit), who just doesn’t see why we’re spending all this time talking about the Confederate Flag, not when the FLAG OF GAY HOMOSEXUAL ABOMINATION is currently flying over the ENTIRETY OF AMERICA. Bright, who is Ted Cruz’s campaign co-chair for South Carolina (obviously), melted all the way down into a pile of shouty Southern fire and brimstone wingnut tears as he explained on the state Senate floor just how much God hates America now: Read more on South Carolina Senator Cries Hilarious Man-Sobs For Confederate Flag Bested By Gayness…
  How was YOUR dumb week?

Barack Obama’s Terrible, Horrible, Badass, Balls Out Rager Of A Week

Editrix can have Old Handsome Joe Biden, we like Sexy Obama.
Oh look at the White House all BRAGGIN’ and shit. That Nice Time video above was provided to yr Wonkette (and by “provided,” we mean we went to the White House website and copied the embed code) as a way of illustrating how Barack Obama just had one of the most badass weeks of his entire presidency, a week bigger than the best weeks of Sarah Palin’s, Ronald Reagan’s, your mom’s, and Jesus’s presidencies COMBINED. Read more on Barack Obama’s Terrible, Horrible, Badass, Balls Out Rager Of A Week…
  This won't work unless it does then HURRAY!

Weather Channel Has Evil Scheme To Trick Old Wingnuts Into Believing Climate Change Is Real

Whatever, he should just move to Hawaii
If you are an 86-year-old wingnut, next time you switch back to the Weather Channel from “Wheel Of Fortune,” you might be in for a surprise. There might be a terrible and bad Smartie Pants person talking at you about how “climate change is real” and “no seriously, it is real, you moron.” Even worse, it might be a Republican. Why is the Weather Channel doing tyranny and betrayal to you, when you’re just trying to find out the current forecast for as many cities as you possibly can before you fall asleep in your chair? Read more on Weather Channel Has Evil Scheme To Trick Old Wingnuts Into Believing Climate Change Is Real…
  Loonocracy

California City Bans Chemtrails, Mind Control Rays; Everybody Obviously Cool With It

Now proven: 'Pinkie Sense' more reliable than Richmond CA City Council
Back on May 19, the city of Richmond, California, adopted a resolution opposing the deployment of weapons in space. At first glance, it seemed like one of those nice crunchy-granola lefty leftovers from the Reagan administration, like voting for a nuclear freeze. But since the passage of the resolution, the city’s police department has been flooded with calls from people who want help with all the mind-control rays getting past their tinfoil hats. Read more on California City Bans Chemtrails, Mind Control Rays; Everybody Obviously Cool With It…
  This Is What Happens When You Find A Danger In The Alps

Politico: Look At That Stuck-Up Elitist John Kerry With His Fancy Bicycle!

Eat my Lycra bike shorts...which I have the sense not to wear near a photographer
As you may have heard, Secretary of State John Kerry broke his right femur in a bicycle accident Sunday, and had to stay in a hospital overnight. Ah, but that accident happened in the snotty French country of France, while Kerry was riding a portion of the fancy la-dee-dah French Tour de France route in the Alps, where only rich snobs ride bikes. And it wasn’t just any hospital, it was a hospital in Geneva, Switzerland, which is where rich Eurotrash go when they fall off their elitist skis, too. This is obviously worth some bigtime Think Piecing, which is why Politico treated us Monday to a whole long analysis piece of how John Kerry’s career has been “marked by physical and political mishaps.” Or, in tl;dr form: Guy crashes bike, what a snob! Still, Politico sure has some damning evidence that John Kerry is America’s Greatest Wealthy Fuckup: Read more on Politico: Look At That Stuck-Up Elitist John Kerry With His Fancy Bicycle!…
  Who Will Be His Secretary of Patchouli?

Sure, Rand Paul Is Now A Tree Hugger, Why Not?

Oh, wow...his vibe is groovy for like 5 minutes, and then he's, like, a massive bummer
In yet another attempt to convince people who aren’t paying attention that he’s a totally different kind of Republican, Rand Paul has come out as a self-proclaimed “tree hugger” who thinks composting is groovy and that clean air and water are good things. These and other exciting revelations are in Paul’s exciting new book-shaped object that you couldn’t pay us enough to read, Taking a Stand: Moving Beyond Partisan Politics to Unite America, in bookstores today and coming soon to a remainders shelf near you. Read more on Sure, Rand Paul Is Now A Tree Hugger, Why Not?…
  I see England I see France I can see Russia from my house

Scott Walker Will Be Best President Of America, Because He’s Been To Europe Like Twice

Less charisma than a sleeping basset hound, and nowhere near as cute.
Despite the fact that presidential candidate Carly Fiorina (R-LOL) has explained that going places on airplanes — like that know-nothing Hillary Clinton, who used to be Secretary of State — is not the same thing as actual foreign policy experience, her likely rival for the nomination, Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin (R-Zzzzzzz), apparently is not paying attention, because he told Bob Schieffer on Face The Nation that he will be so much better of a president than Hillary Clinton, because the places he went to on airplanes are nice, and the places Hillary Clinton went to on airplanes suckity suck, and are also Benghazi: Read more on Scott Walker Will Be Best President Of America, Because He’s Been To Europe Like Twice…
  department of gotcha questions

Republican Candidates Agree: The Best Living President Is Ronald Reagan’s Rotting Corpse

It would seem that getting stumped by really simple questions isn’t a problem limited to Jeb Bush being A Idiot. ALL the 2016 Republican candidates are doing it! CNN’s Chris Moody traveled to the South Carolina Freedom Summit, where all the wingnut hopefuls were gathered, and he had one tough gotcha question: “Who’s the best living president?” The hilariously pitiful answer, from all the candidates? NONE OF THEM, KATIE, and also Ronald Reagan’s decomposed bones. No, really, these are their answers: Read more on Republican Candidates Agree: The Best Living President Is Ronald Reagan’s Rotting Corpse…
  it's called "fair taxation"

You Won’t Believe How Kansas Is Paying For Rich People’s Tax Cuts (Unless You’re Not Dumb)

If he has to pay more taxes, it won't be so good to be the king anymore :(
Kansas is on a roll this month, if by “on a roll,” you mean “wow, it seems like they come up with a new way to screw poor people every single day!” What are they doing now? Oh, just trying to get poor people to pay for all the tax cuts rich people have been enjoying for several years now. Those tax cuts were, of course, supposed to make Kansas grow and thrive, but because that doesn’t actually work anywhere besides Ronald Reagan’s dead butthole, Kansas doesn’t have any money. So, let’s let poor people pay for it! This is called “fiscal responsibility,” and Kansas lawmakers are ON IT: Read more on You Won’t Believe How Kansas Is Paying For Rich People’s Tax Cuts (Unless You’re Not Dumb)…
  bless his heart

Mean Girl Lindsey Graham: Even Hillary Clinton Could Fix Iran Better Than Stupid Rand Paul

A little eye-cream could spruce up that side-eye, just saying.
The Confirmed Bachelor Prince Of The Low Country is throwing some MEAN shade at official 2016 presidential loser Rand Paul! Who’s smarter than Rand Paul when it comes to keeping Iran from getting nukes, according to Sen. Lindsey Graham? The answer is EVERYONE, including that liberal Hillary Clinton. Talking to the Face The Nation teevee program, Graham said that the only 2016 candidate who would do worse than tyrant Obama in negotiating with the Iranians is that loser Rand Paul, who hilariously announced his presidential run on Tuesday. Read more on Mean Girl Lindsey Graham: Even Hillary Clinton Could Fix Iran Better Than Stupid Rand Paul…