Tag Archives: ron paul

  family traditions

Rand Paul’s Social Media Dude, The ‘Southern Avenger,’ Surely Only Southern-Avenging Non-Racist Things

After years of lurking in the shadows of his father’s success, Rand Paul has hired a racist, possibly anti-Semitic staffer to wrangle future Rand-tards using the power of the interwebs and help him assemble his own cadre of misguided white people. There is no way that this will end poorly, and soon it will be raining RAND paul-tards, lucky us! Oh, the name of this new staffer? Oh, it’s just the “Southern Avenger,” but don’t worry, he is not avenging anything that could possibly be construed as racist, like say annually raising a toast to John Wilkes Booth, so it’s fine! Read more on Rand Paul’s Social Media Dude, The ‘Southern Avenger,’ Surely Only Southern-Avenging Non-Racist Things…
  like peter tosh said legalize it

Congress Trying Pot Again

In big fat “can we just got on with this now” marijuana news, members of Congress introduced a bill this week to legalize pot on the federal level, and tax and regulate it like alcohol. Congressmen Jared Polis (D-Rocky Mtn High CO) and Earl Blumenauer (D-It’s fucking raining all the time what do you expect us to do? OR) wrote a bill that would make the evil weed legal and taxable on the federal level, and allow states to decide what they want to do locally. And these guys think this shit has a chance to pass! They are so cute. But here’s hoping this guy isn’t just all toked up on some sweet Northern Lights. “It’s just come to a head,” (see what he did there?) says Blumenauer, “This is largely going to be resolved in the next five years.” Read more on Congress Trying Pot Again…
  stole jenna bush's i.d.

Rand Paul’s Drunky Underage Son Arrested For Being Too Awesome

What’s up, “William Hilton Paul,” if that even is your real name? (What, “Ramada” was taken?) Oh, you just got hauled off from the airport to the pokey for being too rad? Let us examine, together, your charges: When the plane landed about 10:49 a.m., Paul was charged with consuming beer/wine underage, disorderly conduct and being intoxicated and disruptive. 10:49 a.m.? Young man, we like the cut of your jib! Read more on Rand Paul’s Drunky Underage Son Arrested For Being Too Awesome…
  jefferson grew hemp etc

Ron Paul Jabbers At Nation One Last Time: Let’s Break Up America, For Weed

Does Dr. Professor Congressman Ron Paul count as one of our “pantheon of fallen heroes”? No, because he has chosen to leave Congress voluntarily, which means that he is Undefeated, forever. The fact that he is using his God/Constitution-granted Liberty to walk away from Congress has probably gotten him thinking, though, thinking about how Liberty means you should be able to walk away from anything. You should even be able to walk away from America, if you are a state that hates Barack Obama … or one that loves weed. Oh, did we just blow your mind with that last one? Read more on Ron Paul Jabbers At Nation One Last Time: Let’s Break Up America, For Weed…
  hail to the slash

At Last, There Is A Website For Your Homoerotic Presidential Fan Fiction

Greetings, Wonketteers! Your Comics Curmudgeon has been given permission by Wonkette’s lovely editrix to promote a pet project here: Hail to the Slash, a crowdsourced repository of slash fiction about presidents and presidential candidates, having sex, with each other and other historical figures! Wonkette is made up of EXACTLY the sort of pervert politics nerds who would find this interesting, so I have high hopes that you will all read the site and follow it on Twitter and submit your own slashfic and tell your pervert friends about it. The stories on the site are submitted by readers like you, but to prove that I’m as game as anyone, I present to you an romantic story featuring Ron Paul and time travel, after the jump. Read more on At Last, There Is A Website For Your Homoerotic Presidential Fan Fiction…
  parting is such sweet sorrow

RNC Offers Video Tributes To Ron Paul, Other Losers

Sorry you can’t be president Ron Paul! Also, sorry you didn’t win enough states (any states, the Virgin Islands is not a state) and thus couldn’t secure a speaking slot at the Republican National Convention! Also also, sorry they treated your delegates all mean and changed the delegate rules so you and people like you won’t get delegates ever again! But here, would you like a gauzy, high-production-values video tribute? Would that placate you and your angry, weirdo followers? Probably not, but we’ll show the video anyway after the jump, what harm could it do. Read more on RNC Offers Video Tributes To Ron Paul, Other Losers…
  craz old men

Ron Paul Just Doesn’t Get Why The GOP Can’t Let Him Have Everything

Remember when we told you about all of those “factions” that the GOP has created and is now desperately trying to control and is whining about to the New York typists? Some of them, as it turns out, are easier to control than others. Like Ron Paul fans, who will not be placated because Ryan references the gold standard and because people shout “USA! USA!” at them whenever they try to nominate their candidate. What do they think this is, a political convention wherein members of their party nominate candidates of their choice according to a set of fixed rules and regulations? No, it is not anything like that; it is a teevee show of a coronation, and it’s Mitt’s Time. Read more on Ron Paul Just Doesn’t Get Why The GOP Can’t Let Him Have Everything…
  Old School Crazy

Wingnut GOP Candidate Declares Self Senator In *Real* U.S. Government Because Sekrit 1871 Law Stole Constitution

Let’s say you want to be a member of the Iowa Senate, but you decide that actually running for the seat is expensive and tedious, and you realize that even if you win, you’re mostly going to be voting on a lot of boring local issues, probably involving corn. Wouldn’t it be more fun to go straight to national office, maybe the Senate? But a candidacy in that arena costs even MORE time and money, and even if you won, you’d still have to think about corn. Subsidies, probably. Wouldn’t it be cool if you could just BE a U.S. Senator without all the trouble of “winning an election”? Well, meet Randi Shannon! She was running for Iowa’s 34th District senate seat, but on July 4 announced that she had “accepted the position of U.S. Senator in The Republic of The United States of America,” a pretend club of PatrioLoons who are taking America back from the illegitimate “UNITED STATES CORPORATION” (you have to type that in all-caps, because all-caps things are magically different legal entities from their lowercase counterparts). It will undoubtedly come as a shock to many to learn that Ms. Shannon is a Ron Paul supporter and a home-schooling advocate. She also opposes children being vaccinated. Read more on Wingnut GOP Candidate Declares Self Senator In *Real* U.S. Government Because Sekrit 1871 Law Stole Constitution…
  unnecessary

Who Will Be President Of T-Shirts? (Hint: It Is Ron Paul)

Quick, let’s brainstorm about the dumbest, most irrelevant data point with which we could attempt to analyze this presidential election! And while you’re shouting answers at your computer machines, know that nothing you suggest could be as colossally moronic as this: “At CafePress…we have been tracking 2012 election presidential candidate support via The Meter graph.” By tracking the race, they mean the T-shirt sales from the AOL of online print-on-demand outfits. So who is going to be our next president as foretold by shitty T-shirts? Ron Paul, of course. Unless it’s that NOBAMA fellow, who is now in a dead heat (for CafePress t-shirts sales) with Paul. The next president either will be the current president or a 70-something backbench Congressman from rural Texas who couldn’t muster a single primary or caucus win in his two consecutive presidential campaigns. Someone go stuff that Nate Silver fellow in a sack with a rabid wolverine and then toss him off a bridge. We no longer need his elitist (gay math) “regression analysis” to understand politics. Read more on Who Will Be President Of T-Shirts? (Hint: It Is Ron Paul)…
  crazy old men

Ron Paul: An Enigma Wrapped in a Riddle Wrapped in the Constitution

Yesterday, we learned that noted constitutional scholar Ron Paul accepts and cashes his Social Security check even though it is “unconstitutional.” He did not say why, exactly, Social Security is unconstitutional (although Your Wonkette suspects it has something to do with his poor grasp of a common law system), and so it remains one in a long list of items that Ron Paul thinks is unconstitutional absent any discussion of relevant jurisprudence. Of course, as we all know, ThinkProgress released a 2011 video listing all the things that Ron Paul finds unconstitutional but since then, there have been more! And there are some that ThinkProgress missed!  For example, did you know that sexual harassment is TOTALLY CONSTITUTIONAL but abortion is not? YES. It’s TRUE. So please behold an updated list of the things that would be unconstitutional in a Ron Paul presidency, as well as a list of things that are in fact Constitutional, which will allow for more substantive critical analysis. Read more on Ron Paul: An Enigma Wrapped in a Riddle Wrapped in the Constitution…
  tampa is just 'armageddon' spelled in wingnuttish

Rick Santorum Vows Epic GOP Convention War on Usurping Paultards

As foretold in Revelation, Lord of Lunatics Rick Santorum has warned that he is fortifying his followers for some kind of world-ending battle to fend off the interloping Paultard hordes at the Republican National Convention in Florida, in August. It will be sweaty. “I’m concerned that Ron Paul and some of his supporters out there are looking for a platform fight,” said Santorum, a statement that can surprisingly be described as “one hundred percent true” and also “a thing said by Rick Santorum.” Ron Paul’s supporters have indeed been wandering the countryside pillaging state GOP conventions and hauling off delegates who will be ransomed at the RNC for a larger fiefdom in the seating charts and a place of honor next to the Emperor Mittens during his coronation. Rick Santorum is not having any of this. WAR. Read more on Rick Santorum Vows Epic GOP Convention War on Usurping Paultards…
  "begone insubstantial coward"

Paultards Traumatized By Rand Paul’s Romney Endorsement

Well, tragedy has struck in Ron Paul’s kingdom. Rand Paul endorsed Mitt Romney Thursday night on Sean Hannity’s show, presumably because he has been promised some high-profile position in Mitt’s Barbie and Ken’s Dream House™ cabinet. While those pioneering philosophers over at the Washington Post seriously ponder “what” Rand Paul’s endorsement “means” (absolute f#*&-all), other, better people have begun to tentatively trawl The Daily Paul for some commenter takes on what it means for Ron Paul’s supporters. The Atlantic Wire’s exceedingly polite collection: “Rand Paul is dead to me,” “All he had to do was not open his mouth,” and “We will never vote for Mitt Romney or your flimsy son.” We can and will do better than this. Read more on Paultards Traumatized By Rand Paul’s Romney Endorsement…
  part of an ongoing series

Boring Old Louisiana GOP Convention Livened By Rioting Paultards

Hello and welcome to the latest episode of Extreme Delegate Apportionment brought to you by America’s disgruntled old Paultard contingent. These political bloodsport fanatics spent the weekend screaming and flinging themselves about at the Louisiana GOP’s state convention after party leaders sought to thwart the Paultards’ hostile convention takeover and RNC delegate pilfering scheme. (This is their thing now, at many state conventions.) There were arrests! And dislocated hips! Watch the chaos, after the jump. Read more on Boring Old Louisiana GOP Convention Livened By Rioting Paultards…
  the files are in the computer

Americans Elect Going The Way Of MySpace, Barack Obama Currently In Fourth Place

Americans Elect, the organization that tried to get America to nominate a centrist third-party candidate using the futuristic World Wide Web, has basically admitted defeat. Yes, in America, an idiot can become president, but a well-meaning yet mysterious group of people who took the time to actually get on the ballot in 27 states cannot make a website that actually works. Via Politico, the Americans Elect organizers said Tuesday that, basically, Americans are very interested in nominating a third-party candidate, yet when we say Americans we really mean the 18,000 or so Americans who were able to use our website without wanting to stab themselves in the eye. “There is…an almost universal desire,” said Kahlil Byrd in a statement that appears on the website, “among delegates, leadership and millions of Americans who have supported AE to see a credible candidate emerge from this process.” “Millions,” that is optimistic. Anyway, it looks like there is technically a “leader” in all this, and his name is………………Ron Paul. Jon Huntsman is in second place with a whopping 3,834 votes, followed by Bernie Sanders and in fourth place, BARACK OBAMA. Read more on Americans Elect Going The Way Of MySpace, Barack Obama Currently In Fourth Place…
  great moments in campaign brilliance

Ron Paul Plots New Democracy-Lite Path To Convention Glory

American democracy’s most persistent old fart Ron Paul has announced that he no longer cares for democracy per se in the traditional sense of trying to “win votes” from “voters,” because this is a hard thing to do, when your platform is mostly insane. “We will no longer spend resources campaigning in primaries in states that have not yet voted,” sayeth Doctor Congressman Paul, who will instead focus henceforth on a cheaper alternative to never not running for president, that of trying to stir up shit at state nominating conventions by pilfering delegates that he will ransom for a speaking spot or some other sexy consolation prize at the RNC convention in Tampa. Video of said shit being stirred, after the jump! Read more on Ron Paul Plots New Democracy-Lite Path To Convention Glory…
  (keep feeling) assassination

Ron Paul Supporter So Lonely, Would Like A Visit From The Secret Service Too Please

Isn’t it great how Election Season brings out the best in all of us, making us ever delight in doing more and better for our fellow man? (And womyn, ladies!) Also, isn’t it terrific how Election Season makes us all very very smart and intelligent? USA! Well, we have another winner in the newest let’s-all-murder-one-another-for-democracy sweepstakes, and that man is a prominent Ron Paul supporter, who was once endorsed by the good doctor for his own congressional bid, and he has a radio show too! (Your Wonkette needs a radio show right quick, as it will better enable us to be a batshit-insane total piece of shit.) So, Adam Kokesh, whom would you like to kill today? “There is a way the nomination can be given to Ron Paul,” he read aloud [from an email from a young man whose name he did not give]. “There is a way to fix the situation we currently face with Obama versus Romney. Romney needs to die.” That is against the Wonkette Rules for Commenting Radicals! STOP IT RIGHT NOW, JERKS! Read more on Ron Paul Supporter So Lonely, Would Like A Visit From The Secret Service Too Please…
  how uncouth

RON PAUL! Supporter Harasses Mittens About Interracial Procreation

Flaccid Mitt Romney was out in Howard, Wisconsin to tell more crappy jokes to old people today when who interrupts him but a supporter of Doctor Congressman Ron Paul, a man who ran for president in 2011. He kept hollerin at Romney about the Mormon religion’s attitudes regarding black people, and black people who spawn with white people. Why does, or did, Mitt Romney’s church — like all other religions for most of time — wait so long to assume the absolute most basic, modern views on race? RON PAUL, on the other hand, has always been a champion of harmonious race relations. Read more on RON PAUL! Supporter Harasses Mittens About Interracial Procreation…
  is it still awards season?

And The Most Nepotistic Member of Congress Award Goes To…

A chilling new report from Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington shows that this member of Congress’s campaign committee and PAC paid out a total of $304,599 in salaries and $48,742 for services during the 2008 and 2010 election cycles to his daughter, daughter’s mother-in-law, brother, grandson, granddaughter [*PAUSES FOR BREATH*] another granddaughter and a grandson-in-law, making this Representative the most nepotistic member of Congress by volume of family members on the campaign dole. And that’s only from 2008 and 2010! Who is it!? Don’t forget to scribble down your guesses on the back of your unemployment check stubs! Read more on And The Most Nepotistic Member of Congress Award Goes To……
  he wants it so bad

Confirmed: Ron Paul Is A Hobbit, Will Throw Power Ring Into Fire Mountain

For years and years, society (“the Wonkette blog”) has suspected that Doctor Congressman Ron Paul was a prickly hobbit from the Shire, where the hobbits live in isolation and smoke the Forest Weede all day. If not this, then what? And so we thank Ron Paul senior campaign adviser aide person Doug Wead for finally fessing up: Dr. Paul is in fact a hobbit, and he *will* — this is a campaign pledge, folks, bookmark it — he *will* destroy the One Ring To Rule Them All in Mount Doom when he gets the chance, unlike that toolshed Mitt Romney. Read more on Confirmed: Ron Paul Is A Hobbit, Will Throw Power Ring Into Fire Mountain…
  madeyalook

Which GOP Presidential Candidate Looks Best With His Shirt Off?

It is now time for an important Phriday Photo Phun Contest! Buzzfeed’s continuing mission to unearth every possible comical Romney clan photo from the far corners of the Internet has finally hit pay dirt with some hawt topless Mitt Romney pixxx. How does shirtless Mitt Romney stack up next to the other Republican presidential candidates? YOU BE THE DECIDER. Do we have a shirtless Rick Santorum photo to enter into competition as well? Read more on Which GOP Presidential Candidate Looks Best With His Shirt Off?…
  suffer with us

Sooper Toosday Liveblog Cuatro: Get It Together Already, Ohio Results

We have been watching Wolf Blitzer check in with all of CNN’s weird “cock-us cams” molesting exit polls workers around the country for a few hours now, and now we are watching Rick Santorum give an incoherent lecture to a group of cheerleaders trying to ignore him as they finish Tuesday night practice in a high school gym in “Stupidville, Ohio.” Isn’t this fun, kids? Boy 2008 was just a warm-up round for this kind of excitement. Rick Santorum reports that freedom has pretty much died in America, which is such old news that we are inclined to rule this statement proof that Rick Santorum is even more stupid than Wolf Blitzer. Let us continue our liveblog of torture and tears! Read more on Sooper Toosday Liveblog Cuatro: Get It Together Already, Ohio Results…