Wonkette

We really went to the damned Ron Paul rally. It was honestly depressing. This guy was just cold enforcing the Constitution on these food-service workers trapped in Target Center all day with these losers counting out their change for another chili dog. We have other sad pictures, if you want to cry or laugh or whatever people do. MORE »

Guess where your editor went, on Tuesday? That’s right, to the magical Ron Paul Concert, in downtown Minneapolis. MORE »

Your Wonkette was just having some drinks at various patio restaurants in downtown Minneapolis yesterday when strange dorks began walking around, in bizarre costumes. Here we have, uh, “Ninja Hitler,” maybe? And he’s pulling a gimp in a wagon made of … household garbage? Like many other disheveled stringy-haired losers seen around town on Sunday, the gimp was wearing a green scary-face mask, possibly from the Scream movies? But they weren’t all so elaborately costumed. MORE »

As you know, the worst mayor ever of anything, Rudy Giuliani, will deliver the keynote address at his party’s convention. Rudy Giuliani is a fucking stupid rat-demon whose pathetic 5th place campaign couldn’t even make it past January after 12 months of exploiting, for political purposes, the deaths of thousands of innocent civilians whose safety he, as mayor of the attacked city, was supposed to protect. He really is the most appropriate symbol for the Republican convention that follows eight years of George W. Bush, although probably not for the same reasons that the speaker selection committee chose him. Anyway he had a conference call today and just completely bombed on it, because he’s fucking stupid. MORE »

Ron Paul’s exciting all-day sports arena concert in Minneapolis was really missing only one thing: actual entertainment of some kind for the Paultards expected to pay $17.76 (get it?!) plus five-hundred dollars in Ticketmaster fees for the special privilege of sitting with other Paultards in a sports arena just a few miles from the fancy GOP convention in St. Paul, where the rich people will be partying with Kid Rock. And today Dr. Congressman Paul sent out an email announcing his Campaign for Literacy’s star attraction — a Nashville GOP singer gal Tom DeLay tried to keep on Dancing With the Stars even though she had to quit because of an ugly divorce from her drunken porn-loving Craigslist-threesome-having anal-sex addict congressional-candidate husband! MORE »

First, plans were made for the Republican convention in St. Paul during the first week of September, at the Xcel Center, starring John “Oh him” McCain. Then, wacky freedom-fighter Ron Paul and his Campaign for Literacy anounced a Paultard rally, a weeklong thing that would also take place during the first week of September, but at the Pepsi Center in Minneapolis. Oh and there’s also a socialist May Day rally of some kind, which we only know about because hey, free Steve Earle concert. But also: dirty hippies and laborists. And today we learn Ralph “Malph” Nader is having his secret rally in Minneapolis, too. MORE »

“The RPSSG has determined to form on the RonPaulForums.com as a method of designing and building a space vehicle capable of carrying a satelite into space. This satelite, called the Ron Paul Satelite, will be a solar powered transmitter, capable of broadcasting Ron Paul Revolution: A Manefesto, in audio format, to the entire Universe! We realise this may take several billion light-years for the signal to reach the end of the Universe, but we are prepared to continue our peaceful revolution, as long as it takes.” MORE »

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Yesterday, conservative columnist Bob Novak ran over a pedestrian who flew on top of his windshield. Then Novak sped away and, when captured, pretended that he had no idea. The police gave him a $50 ticket. Maybe in this economy that’s a lot, hmm? Anyway, the victim was originally reported as a 66-year-old pedestrian, but according to new information, he is actually an 86-year-old homeless guy who remains in the hospital. The Main Stream Media continues to conceal the truth, which is that the victim is a 72-year-old homeless doctor martyr named Ron Paul. [Washington Post]

Here is 800-year-old columnist Bob Novak, the Last Scion of Bilbo Baggins, talking to the local teevee news after hitting some guy with his car and then speeding away, only to be captured. Isn’t it HMM COINCIDENTAL that a Politico reporter happened to be walking by the incident? Here’s the “new truth:” Politico and Bob Novak thought that this was Ron Paul, this pedestrian, and they were trying to kill him for the second day in a row. HE DOES NOT HAVE MUCH LONGER. DR PAUL ES MARTYR. [YouTube via Think Progress]

A bunch of congressmen from Texas were flying to D.C. so they could vote on some Texas thing, and then OMG the Continental jet had a slight loss of cabin pressure so it made an unscheduled landing in New Orleans, and the the congressmen got on another plane to Washington. In other words, NEW WORLD ORDER ALMOST KILT DR. RON PAUL! MORE »

So has any candidate from either party come away from this presidential election with more than Ron Paul? Many dumb failures from Congress run every four years and then, after losing terribly, slink back to whichever invisible subcommittee it is that lets them hold the #3 ranking based on seniority, sure. But did Chris Dodd score lucrative book deals after his quite pointless campaign? No. Ron Paul’s failed campaign, on the other hand, brainwashed just enough hobos to guarantee that he can write multimillion dollar bestsellers, about ANYTHING, for the rest of his life. Earlier this year his book Revolution: A Manifesto, became a #1 New York Times bestseller. And now he’s signed up for an Important Follow-up, the comical title of which will be Revolution: A Memoir, about the psychological import of his early masturbatory experimentation. [New York Observer]

Here’s a priceless video from Hutton Gibson, the conspiracy theory-obsessed, Holocaust-denying father of similarly insane Mel Gibson, endorsing who else but Ron Paul. The video opens and closes with stark images of the Holy Cross in the middle of a thunderstorm. Then Gibson, 84, and a “Jeopardy Champion” (go Josh!), says that “the only way we can save the country is to vote for Ron Paul. [3-second pause]. In 2008.” [YouTube]