Tag Archives: romney

  MittWatch '16

Mitt Romney Still A Dumb Jerk, Some More, Again

Mitt Romney's advisers try to talk the candidate into another run after his crushing 2012 loss.
Business Insider has yet another entry in the ongoing saga that is MittWatch ’16. Another “member” of the “inner circle” of that cock tease the Duke of Salt Lake, Willard Mitochondria Phlegmatic Hustings Coffeepot Romney XII, leaks that the Rombot met this past week in New York with “key financial backers” of his past losing campaigns. Which means he is probably definitely likely running for president again in 2016. Or he’s a rich retired guy jetting around the country to enjoy the perks of being a rich retired guy, like watching a New York Jets game from the owner’s skybox at the team’s stadium. Which, considering it’s the Jets and the stadium is in New Jersey, doesn’t sound to us like a perk. It sounds like one of Dante’s more minor circles. Read more on Mitt Romney Still A Dumb Jerk, Some More, Again…
  ordinary citizens such as you

New AP Poll: Americans Are Dumb And Petty, Like Always (And Also Romney Is Winning)

OH CRAP ROMNEY’S AHEAD BY TWO POINTS IN THE LATEST AP POLL AND THE LADIES ALL LOVE HIM NOW TIME TO FREAK OUT??? No, don’t worry, libs, your math and numbers boyfriend Nate Silver still has Barry with a 70% chance of winning (and also offers soothing words about how the media specifically pays attention to outlier polls, which makes for a misleading picture). But! The AP poll does contain some delightful quotes from ordinary Americans and other little details that seem, well, kind of hilarious? Not on purpose? Join us for a children’s treasury, after the jump. Read more on New AP Poll: Americans Are Dumb And Petty, Like Always (And Also Romney Is Winning)…
  mitt's time

Mitt Romney Not Waiting Around All Day For You To Return His Call About Your Dead Son, Lady

Mitt Romney is a very busy man, you guys. He is busy now that he’s running for president, and he was busy back when he was a governor. So if your son dies and he gives you a call the day of his funeral, you should probably call him back RIGHT AWAY because he is very important! Very busy! Got that? Read more on Mitt Romney Not Waiting Around All Day For You To Return His Call About Your Dead Son, Lady…
  hey pawlenty better luck next veepstakes

Romney Taps Ryan For VP: Our Tape-Delayed Liveblog To Honor America’s Olympians

In case you missed it, Mitt Romney picked Rep. Paul Ryan (WI) as his running mate. Here is how they did it: First, they notified Twitter. (Darrell Issa is convening a panel to investigate the national security leaks coming out of the Romney campaign.) Then they notified Paul Ryan maybe. This morning, Romney announced the pick officially through his smartphone app, which, if you downloaded, congratulations, because the Romney campaign now has your contact information for sexy Paul Ryan chats. At 9 AM, which is 6 AM Pacific time, which is a really, really smart and excellent time to have a big announcement on a Saturday morning, and which unfortunately precluded us from actually live-blogging this bullshit as was originally the plan because someone forgot to wake up and now all of a sudden I’m doing it, Romney and Ryan set foot on the U.S.S. Wisconsin, a former Naval battleship and government-run museum, to point out that the government has done nothing useful and should be destroyed. Read more on Romney Taps Ryan For VP: Our Tape-Delayed Liveblog To Honor America’s Olympians…
  job creators

Oh Boy Mitt Romney Really Hates Paying Taxes

Oh LOOK what a typist at the Los Angeles Times found out about the Romney’s multi-million dollar home in La Jolla (that’s pronounced La HOY-uh for you Midwesterners, and yes, this is the one with the $55,000 car elevator)! Turns out that the Romneys got a tax cut of about $109,000 by having their lobbyist/lawyer request that the county reassess the $12 million dollar home several times over the years. Of course, the Romneys used the money from this tax cut to trickle a bunch of good jobs with benefits and a living wage all over San Diego. KIDDING! Read more on Oh Boy Mitt Romney Really Hates Paying Taxes…
  But what if he actually is a demon?

Guy Who Thinks Small Business Loans Aren’t ‘Government Help’ Also Can’t Tell Cusses From Threats

So it turns out that the business owner in that dumb Romney ad about the fake “You didn’t build that” line, and who it turns out actually did rely on government loans and contracts for some of his business, now haz a sad because some people have been calling and emailing his business to say mean things about him. Jack Gilchrist, owner of a metal fabrication company in Hudson, New Hampshire, appeared in the ad, above, whining about being “demonized” by the President for being successful, which of course rather badly misses the point. Gilchrist is a self-made man whose wholly self-built business merely happened to receive over $1 million in loans from state and federal government programs, and continues to rely on defense contracts for about 10% of its business. But, you see, that is absolutely NOT hypocrisy, because he is just looking out for himself: Read more on Guy Who Thinks Small Business Loans Aren’t ‘Government Help’ Also Can’t Tell Cusses From Threats…
  is that so

Here Is Glenn Beck’s Very Unique 2012 Electoral Map

Well, over on whatever website or smelly airwave Glenn Beck currently resides, Beck and his friends/unpaid interns have decided to make some predictions about the 2012 presidential election upon which the fate of the universe rides. Here is Glenn’s measured and educated guess! Wow, good. Read more on Here Is Glenn Beck’s Very Unique 2012 Electoral Map…
  congratulations on your blessed day

Barack Obama Would Like Anyone With A Gift Registry To Just Give To Him Instead

President Obama, that is his name, has come up with a brilliant new way to try to beat his opponent Mitt Romney at money-making, despite the fact that they seem to have more money than anyone would need to do anything, except maybe buy a Hawaiian island!!!!!! Isn’t it strange that we have to pay people to prepare themselves to run the country for a relatively short time? Anyway, Obama is now suggesting that if you have a wedding, birth, or anniversary, or any old excuse for wanting your friends and family to pool together their unemployment and social security checks and buy you shit, instead of asking for Le Creuset pots and diapers and wine, why don’t you just give the money to Barack Obama instead? Read more on Barack Obama Would Like Anyone With A Gift Registry To Just Give To Him Instead…
  pivotal moments in our country's history

Typo Changes Everything We Know About Obama, Despite Being Typo

A 1990 article in a hard-hitting publication called Vanity Fair either accidentally revealed a state secret: Obama spent some years in Singapore, not Indonesia, as a child! OR pooooossibly, but this is not very likely, an uninformed intern wrote an article about Obama and confused the countries of Indonesia (where Obama “spent” some time as a child) and Singapore (where he “did not spend” time as a child), because the intern only knows about America and everything else over there is a blur. The article stated that Obama was “raised in Singapore.” Later the magazine corrected this, saying, “We should have said Indonesia.” Genius scribe Jerome R. Corsi (pictured, releasing wind) has a theory about this: if lies sometimes are allowed to exist forever as no big deal because no one really notices or cares, maybe it means they are actually true. And because a typo is a form of lie, it can also be considered just a truth that is dying to get out. So, Obama once lived in Singapore and must now step down. Read more on Typo Changes Everything We Know About Obama, Despite Being Typo…
  "begone insubstantial coward"

Paultards Traumatized By Rand Paul’s Romney Endorsement

Well, tragedy has struck in Ron Paul’s kingdom. Rand Paul endorsed Mitt Romney Thursday night on Sean Hannity’s show, presumably because he has been promised some high-profile position in Mitt’s Barbie and Ken’s Dream House™ cabinet. While those pioneering philosophers over at the Washington Post seriously ponder “what” Rand Paul’s endorsement “means” (absolute f#*&-all), other, better people have begun to tentatively trawl The Daily Paul for some commenter takes on what it means for Ron Paul’s supporters. The Atlantic Wire’s exceedingly polite collection: “Rand Paul is dead to me,” “All he had to do was not open his mouth,” and “We will never vote for Mitt Romney or your flimsy son.” We can and will do better than this. Read more on Paultards Traumatized By Rand Paul’s Romney Endorsement…
  turncoat news

Jeb Bush, Liberated By His Own Irrelevance, Says GOP Is ‘Short-Sighted’

Remember a very long time ago, during a Republican presidential debate last August (oh my god, TIME), when one of those moderator fellows asked the candidates whether they would reject a debt deal that required 10 dollars in spending cuts for every dollar in tax increases, and how everyone raised their hand to say that they would reject such a deal, even though Jon Huntsman later admitted that he didn’t mean to raise his hand, because he is not actually crazy? Well, Jeb Bush would now like to say that, because no one cares, he is free to admit that he would accept such a deal, and that also, the Republican party in general is “short-sighted” on immigration and tax policy issues, but he is only saying this because he is not running for office, and because Charlie Rose made him feel that he was in a safe space. Read more on Jeb Bush, Liberated By His Own Irrelevance, Says GOP Is ‘Short-Sighted’…
  getting creative

Ghost Of Breitbart Convinced That Obama Will Drop Out Of The Presidential Race

Breitbart hologram Mike Flynn has been feeling the warm breeze of change that causes the flag of America to gently billow across his cheek, and also has been sifting through the history books, poring over some of the most improbable scenarios that have ever befallen America, and has decided that because history repeats itself, as long as that history is conservative-leaning, President Obama is completely going to drop out of the race the way Lyndon B. Johnson did in 1968, so weakened was LBJ by Senator McCarthy’s presidential efforts (which turned out so well)! It’s going to happen! Whoever takes Obama’s place, it does not matter, because the ensuing madness and weakness will ultimately portray Mitt Romney as a supreme being, much the way a fly looks supreme when standing next to a flea. This is a great theory. Flynn would just like to add another thing: Senator Eugene McCarthy was “a serious candidate running on an increasingly popular anti-war message.” Yes. Read more on Ghost Of Breitbart Convinced That Obama Will Drop Out Of The Presidential Race…
  friday factory fun

Romney Blames Obama For Plant That Closed During Bush Presidency

Mitt Romney is touring America for some reason, and on Thursday he was in Lorain, Ohio, at a National Gypsum plant that is no longer open, which he LOVES to do despite the fact that he was complicit in the closure of more things than many presidents. During this sadsack appearance the presumptive/uous Republican nominee said the reason that the plant is no longer open is President Obama and his failed somethings. Curiously, the plant actually closed in 2008, when George W. Bush was president. Then, referring to a speech that Obama gave before the financial crisis even rose up from the earth’s bog, Romney said that the President has clearly failed in his inability to, um, predict that that thing would happen, etc. Read more on Romney Blames Obama For Plant That Closed During Bush Presidency…
  our demon lover

Ted Nugent: ‘Ride Into That Battlefield,’ Behead The Democrats This Fall

We have found the one musician who would not be enraged to find one of his songs used without permission at a conservative orgy somewhere in America: he is of course Ted Nugent, who attended the NRA’s annual ball gala cotillion this past weekend to sing “songs,” show his support of fast-acting weaponry, and tell America that they should vote for Romney this fall and also as a consequence behead the Democrats. In an America-themed blouson and trusty camo cowboy hat, Nugent proclaimed Obama’s camp to be a “vile, evil America-hating administration” that is “wiping its ass with the Constitution.” Read more on Ted Nugent: ‘Ride Into That Battlefield,’ Behead The Democrats This Fall…
  all dead in ohio

Super Tuesday Murdered By Meh Wednesday

What’s up, Cleveland Plain-Dealer? Pretty exciting night, there, yes, with your still hanging chads or somesuch but “advantage Romney,” certainly what ho? So many exciting Politics in O-hi-o, with Elf Queen Consort Dennis Kucinich losing his fabled place in the hearts of Hippie-Americans as Keebler cookie-maker-in-chief to nice lady and new Elvish Queen Marcy Kaptur. Heryn ohtar lalaith! Kaptur will go on to fight Sam “Joe” “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher to the death, in the Capitol, for the glory of the coalminers in District 13. Then also too Mean Jean Schmidt lost the House seat she had defended with Rottweilers, a miniature Pinscher, and “liberal” smearings of American veterans and armed forces, like so: Read more on Super Tuesday Murdered By Meh Wednesday…
 

Romney Will Be King Of California And Nowhere Else

According to John Zogby’s latest poll, Republican Senator John “Walnuts!” McCain is leading pretty much everywhere except in the great state of California, where conservatives want a leader with executive experience and magic underoos. Read more on Romney Will Be King Of California And Nowhere Else…
 

Hillary Clinton A ‘Chilly Harlot’!

Thanks to a kind tipster, we spent part of yesterday perusing the anagrams of our presidential candiates, which included Hillary Rodham Clinton (Damn Chilly Iron Harlot), Rudy Giuliani (I Rig Dolphin Luau), John Edwards (D’oh! Jaws Nerd) and Joe Biden (I Need Job). Strange, right? After the jump, The Dimmer Switch sheds some light. Read more on Hillary Clinton A ‘Chilly Harlot’!…