Tag Archives: roger ailes

  But Clinton Lied About A Blowjob

You’ll Never Guess Why Fox Thinks Sexytime Leaker Gen. Petraeus Is Being Framed Now!

Totally worth it
Wingnutty Expert on Everything Andrew Napolitano was all over Fox News Monday and Tuesday to float his expert opinion on why former CIA director David Petraeus is maybe going to face criminal charges for being a Gangster of Love. It’s all just because Barack Obama is out to get David Petraeus, who never did nothin’ wrong, because 1) Obama wanted to short-circuit Petraeus’s bright political career, and/or 2) Petraeus was about to spill the beans on what REALLY happened at Benghazi, so somebody in the White House revealed that the former general was boning his biographer, which somehow made it impossible for him to ever speak the REAL truth. Read more on You’ll Never Guess Why Fox Thinks Sexytime Leaker Gen. Petraeus Is Being Framed Now!…
  Why does he hate America ALLEGEDLY?

Disgraced Gen. Petraeus Might Go To Prison For Being A Sexytime SPY!

Totally worth it
Don’t you just hate when you get caught sexing a lady what is not your wife and pillow-talking all of America’s classified secrets to her? Oh, you don’t do that? Then you are not ex-hero Gen. David Petraeus, who used to be America’s greatest patriot for winning ALL THE WARS and then being the boss of the CIA until resigning in disgrace for, oops, being a total disgrace to his country and himself, OOPS! Read more on Disgraced Gen. Petraeus Might Go To Prison For Being A Sexytime SPY!…
  a million ways to derp in the west

Maybe We Shouldn’t Brandish Guns At BLM Workers And Tell Them They Should Die

Back when the news was covering the militia yahoos flocking to Cliven Bundy’s ranch from all over America to defend the old coot’s right to mooch off the federal government like a common welfare queen, a few pundits were calling out Bundy’s enablers in the wingnut media for feeding the fire. With all those shootin’ irons brandished by people with barely the intelligence to know which end to point away from themselves when they pull the trigger, some felt it was irresponsible to lionize Bundy while getting the rubes riled up about the jackbooted federal thugs from the Bureau of Land Management trying to stomp out freedom. Now, the dispute between Western ranchers and federal land managers has been around for decades, even before the Sagebrush Rebellion, so it’s not as if this kind of crap is an unheard-of phenomenon. Still, one hopes the madness is not spreading. Read more on Maybe We Shouldn’t Brandish Guns At BLM Workers And Tell Them They Should Die…
  media circus

Roger And Elizabeth Ailes Completely Incapable Of Not Being Litigious Bullies

We’re feeling sorta “dog bites man,” because we’re going to talk at you about how Fox News’s Roger Ailes is a thin-skinned bullyboy who doesn’t understand how free speech works, and this is not news to you. This week, Roger and his lovely bride, Elizabeth, would like to sue people for “liking” something on Facebook. Read more on Roger And Elizabeth Ailes Completely Incapable Of Not Being Litigious Bullies…
  off to argue in heaven

Sarah Palin Won’t Have Joe McGinniss To Kick Around Anymore

Yesterday, at age 71, author Joe McGinniss passed away after a battle with prostate cancer. It was one of those “hey wait WHAT” moments that makes its way across Twitter swiftly and you’re not even sure you believe it after checking Wikipedia. Read more on Sarah Palin Won’t Have Joe McGinniss To Kick Around Anymore…
  clipbait

Fox Business: Why Does The LEGO Movie Hate America?

Fox Business Network’s Charles Payne is very indignant that The LEGO Movie, the weekend’s top-grossing film, is “pushing its anti-business message to our kids” because the villain is an evil businessman. He also remarks that the character “looks a little bit like Mitt Romney,” which is maybe a stretch. Read more on Fox Business: Why Does The LEGO Movie Hate America?…
  clipbait

Stephen Colbert Lets Lefty ‘Journalist’ Crap All Over Fox Hero Roger Ailes

In his Wednesday interview with Gabriel Sherman, Stephen Colbert got the author of The Loudest Voice in the Room, the new biography of Fox News head Roger Ailes to admit that his book is carefully researched, based on a wide range of sources, and thoroughly fact-checked — everything that Fox news never does in its stories. “Didn’t you learn anything from Fox News?” Colbert asked. “You decide what you want the story to be, and then you talk to the people who support it!” But Sherman seems to think that even though he’s been declared a hack by rightwing websites, he still should be allowed to be called a journalist. Sherman even manages to rise to Stephen’s challenge to say something positive about Ailes, which suggests he’s practiced. Read more on Stephen Colbert Lets Lefty ‘Journalist’ Crap All Over Fox Hero Roger Ailes…
  you can't handle the truth

Politico Reveals Shocking Hillary Clinton Secret: A Lean Mean Excel Spreadsheet

As the day winds down, you were probably thinking “man, I really wish I could read one million words by some guys over at Politico pimping a new book, but only if they really hype it with an over-the-top nonsense headline.” Now is the time for all your dreams to come true, little ones, because Jonathan Allen and Amie Parnes have given you 14,122 paragraphs from their new book, HRC: State Secrets and the Rebirth of Hillary Clinton. What’s the big reveal? Hillary kept a hit list! That’s probably a list of people she killed, or at least wanted to kill, right? Oh no wait. It was just a way of ranking people that Hillz found particularly helpful, mildly helpful, or hurtful? That’s not a hit list, sweetie. That’s a little black book. Hell, we keep that list but it is of our exes. Read more on Politico Reveals Shocking Hillary Clinton Secret: A Lean Mean Excel Spreadsheet…
  nasty as he wanna be

Roger Ailes Did Not Spend All That Money On A Glass Desk To Not Be Able To See Your Snatch

Roger Ailes, that jowly old leftover from the Cantina scene in Star Wars, turns out to be exactly the sort of high-minded gentleman that you might expect, assuming his mind is located a few inches south of his belt buckle. We have another batch of pre-release ugly bits from that new biography from Gabriel Sherman, this time courtesy of the intrepid muck-sorters at Media Matters, who found the icky stuff so people who eagerly buy the book can plausibly say they never read it. Turns out that one of the longest categories in the book’s index is “Legs, Ailes’s fixation on.” As we already knew from Gretchen Carlson, ladies on Fox and Friends were forbidden to wear the pantaloons; now we find that no matter what was going on in the world, Ailes knew what mattered for Fair And Balanced News: gams, drumsticks, pins, alabaster pillars, stems, getaway sticks, Legs. We knew that he was kind of an extremist, but had no idea how obsessed he was with extremities. Read more on Roger Ailes Did Not Spend All That Money On A Glass Desk To Not Be Able To See Your Snatch…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Bushel Basket Of Bumpkins, Boobs, and ‘Baggers

Welcome, wonkeesters, to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we hose down the news, filter out the stories that weren’t quite worth a whole post but too stoopid to ignore altogether, spray the whole mess with cheap booze, and bring you the runoff. Enjoy! Our first story violates the entire premise of Derp, in that it is actually a story of Pure American Ingenuity and Awesomeness. So sue us for false labeling. Outside Austin Monday, on Texas Highway 71, off-duty Houston Fire Department Captain Craig Moreau pulled over to help an 18-wheeler that had smoke pouring from its rear wheels. The brakes had locked and the tire was “flaming pretty good,” Moreau said, and the driver’s fire extinguisher was not up to the job. Moreau asked what the driver was hauling. “Beer! It’s all beer!” And then, he says, one of the burning tires exploded, and Moreau asked the driver to open up the truck and start passing him tallboys. “I shook them up, and popped a top one at a time until the fire was out and the brakes were cool,” Moreau wrote. “Thankfully they were tallboys. I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of it all, he was so shaken up that the humor escaped him.” Quite a few cans of Coors Banquet beer later, the fire was out. And Craig Moreau is a hero, both for saving the day and for discovering something that Coors is actually good for. Protip: Do not try this with Scotch. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Bushel Basket Of Bumpkins, Boobs, and ‘Baggers…
  wonkette brings you the hard news

Roger Ailes Unhappy About New Biography That Says Roger Ailes Is Terrible, Angry, Horny Sexmonster

It is a bit quiet news-wise today, so let us talk about Roger Ailes’ dick. Oh sure, we could talk about any other subject under the sun besides Roger Ailes’ dick. The terrible cold weather, the latest slap on the wrist for JPMorgan, S.E. Cupp taking the early lead for dumbest column any pundit will write in 2014. But are any of those subjects really more interesting than Roger Ailes’ dick? We think the question answers itself. Here is why we are thinking about Roger Ailes’ dick. The New York Times got its hands on a copy of Gabriel Sherman’s new biography of the walking tub of chicken fat and his dick, and one of the funnier stories involves Randi Anderson, a television producer who went to work for CNBC when Ailes was running that channel twenty years ago. Anderson alleges that Ailes offered her an extra $100 a week to have sex with him whenever he wanted. Because when you are Roger Ailes, you are entitled to an in-house concubine at your office, even if you want to pay well below what we imagine was the market rate for a prostitute in New York City in the early 1990s. Read more on Roger Ailes Unhappy About New Biography That Says Roger Ailes Is Terrible, Angry, Horny Sexmonster…
  Back To You Sarah ... Sarah?

Grift On, Grizzly Grammaw: Sarah Palin Returns To Fox News

Exciting boob toob newz! Sarah Palin will be rejoining Fox News as a “contributor!” Weirdly, the Vanilla from Wasilla, O.G. Sno B. Grifta has done nothing to make us laugh, cringe, weep, sigh, or howl at the moon THAT WE KNOW OF in the roughly one day since the network made the announcement. Patience is counseled. She has never let us down before. Others, yes, she has let down, with her constant quitting and losing. But she loves us, because we talk about her on the internet. But we do not talk about her adorable babies, unless they are dancing on the teevee or copping budz in a parking lot (allegedly?) If you are having trouble remembering who is this Sasha Fallon lady, let us remind you: Read more on Grift On, Grizzly Grammaw: Sarah Palin Returns To Fox News…
  anals of journamalism

Dave Weigel Tongue-Bathes Roger Ailes, Asks If He Was Gentle Enough

The few times we have ever paid attention to Dave Weigel, he struck us as a reasonably intelligent guy even if we don’t agree with his politics. So maybe someone out there can tell us: did he hit his head on something recently? Take up smoking opium? Develop a brain cloud? Because there must be some explanation for why he’s giving props to this speech by Roger Ailes at some right-wing circle jerk of an awards dinner on Wednesday night. Ailes delivered the speech while being awarded $250,000 from the Bradley Foundation, some conservative organization dedicated to the preservation of free enterprise and limited government and unconditional love for Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker. Who even listens anymore to the meaningless buzzwords these wastes of life-sustaining resources spout off? Read more on Dave Weigel Tongue-Bathes Roger Ailes, Asks If He Was Gentle Enough…
  on fox news set no one can hear you disagree

Roger Ailes Shuts Geraldo Rivera’s Mouth For Him

Hey, remember that fun video (above) of Geraldo Rivera laying down a righteous hissy over the LIES and PRIMROSE PATHS paved by his buddies, the Fox & Friends? It was from two days before the election, and Geraldo was in his finest mettle, like, waving a baby at a Katrina bridge INSANITY. He was yelling about Benghazi, and how Fox News was a LIAR (without ever saying the name Fox News) and on and on. It was fun! Hey Mikey, we liked it! But do you know who didn’t like it? Fox News chief Roger Ailes, who reportedly called down to the control room to cut Gerry’s mic like he was a hapless Bill O’Reilly guest. Uh oh! Read more on Roger Ailes Shuts Geraldo Rivera’s Mouth For Him…
  palin around with terrorists

What Will Sarah Palin Do Next? An Exercise in Wild Speculation

Put the pen down. I know you’ve been working feverishly on your 10,000-word jeremiad to Fox News demanding that they put Sarah Palin back on the air right now at whatever price she demands, but it’s time to move on. Roger Ailes isn’t going to be moved by your pleas; he doesn’t experience what you and I describe as “emotions.” It’s time to move on. Sarah Palin is gone, not from this planet but from Fox News, the most important news organization on the planet. We won’t get to see her nodding sagely at Sean Hannity, Greta Van Susteren, and Gretchen Carlson’s hard-hitting questions, like “you came up with that ad several months ago, and it struck a chord with women across the nation.” We won’t get to hear her droppin’ Gs from present participles like they were made of the yellowcake uranium she probably still thinks Saddam Hussein bought from Niger. But if there’s one thing we know for sure about Sarah Palin, it’s that she is never, ever going away. Ever. Seriously. Ever. So what’s her next move? We have some thoughts. Read more on What Will Sarah Palin Do Next? An Exercise in Wild Speculation…
  sounds legit

Ailes: Respected Non-Partisan News Organization ‘Fox’ Did Not Make Hot Monkey Sex On David Petraeus

Sometimes, we like to lie around and wonder stuff. Like, “What is it like being human pile of mildewed old sandwiches Roger Ailes?” Is it fun? We bet it is fun. You can send people to the dungeon; you can order the cutting off of miscreants’ hands. You get to hang out with Shep! It is probably all good. But what happens if someone betrays you by leaking a tape of some peon (she’s not an employee; they pay her less than $75 large, as if anyone could even survive on such “money”!) being a go-between for you and Greatest American Hero Gen. David Petraeus, telling him to run for president against the Kenyan Impostor, yo, and you’ll be his campaign manager, and Murdoch will bankroll it, and the rest of the people at Fox will be “his in-house.” Why, that almost sounds like Fox News would take a side in a political campaign. That can’t be right. Read more on Ailes: Respected Non-Partisan News Organization ‘Fox’ Did Not Make Hot Monkey Sex On David Petraeus…
  as foretold in revelation

Brain-Eating Space Virus Roger Ailes Turns on Itself

Media Matters just flagged this bizarre statement it found in the transcript of an April speech that Ailes gave at the UNC School of Journalism: “We have one conservative on FOX News, Sean Hannity.” That’s it! Just that one, according to Roger Ailes, who may or may not be losing functioning in his frontal lobe. Or is there another explanation? Read more on Brain-Eating Space Virus Roger Ailes Turns on Itself…
  when you've lost bill o'reilly you've lost america

Fox Boss’s Gotcha Too ‘Ugly’ Even For Bill O’Reilly

Fox News head and living Cthulu Roger Ailes forwarded to all his underlings some crazy chain emails from the Fox Research department saying George Soros, as a 14-year-old Jew who had been hidden by a Christian family but did not have the grace to stay in the attic, was a total Nazi collaborator who ate Jewish babies and washed them down with communion wine. The one-word response from Bill O’Reilly’s producer? “Ugly.” “So do you want a job or not?” snitted Ailes, sort of, or more properly: “Do you think you guys will use it or should I give it to someone else?” O’Reilly passed, because Roger Ailes’s cherished gotcha about the liberal and big-spending billionaire Soros being a 14-year-old who shoved Jews into ovens was too gross for Bill O’Reilly. But someone else was very very happy to have an hour about it, and that someone was onetime Fox golden calf Glenn Beck. Read more on Fox Boss’s Gotcha Too ‘Ugly’ Even For Bill O’Reilly…
  snowbilly's failed revenge

Imbecile Sarah Palin Thinks Roger Ailes Doesn’t Own Her (He Does)

Thanksgiving hasn’t even happened yet and look, here already is a giant plate of half-putrefied “leftovers” to add to the compost bin: mutant overgrown toad wart Roger Ailes nearly (OH GOD, WHY NEARLY) evicted yammering reject Sarah Palin from his evil teevee space beams in an enraged fit right after she “announced” she was quitting the presidential race she never joined, because she failed at her sole remaining paid task of delivering this breaking non-information on Fox News. Sarah Palin told some other outlet first for the same reason she does anything: out of raw, brainless spite. Read more on Imbecile Sarah Palin Thinks Roger Ailes Doesn’t Own Her (He Does)…
  the luckiest man on the face of the earth

Glenn Beck: ‘There Will Be No Interruption Between You and I’

As they sat together around their radios stunned, Glenn Beck’s triumphant voice emerged from the bunker to deliver a speech about perseverance to his people. He is not dead. You cannot kill the spirit of Glenn Beck. As long as you keep hope, Glenn Beck with be there with you. He will be there in the harsh wind that brushes across your face. He will be there in the pile of dog crap you step on in the park your scooter drives through in the Walmart parking lot. And he will be there in the flowering trees of a new spring, watching over you and protecting your family from getting health care. “If I’m not ready with the things that I’m going to be launching, I will tell you that I will have the bridge and you and I will meet still every day at Glennbeck.com,” he said. It may be dangerous to go to that bridge. But you must go. You must go with Glenn. You must go to Terabithia. Read more on Glenn Beck: ‘There Will Be No Interruption Between You and I’…
  contest winners

Sympathetic Fox News Hands Juan Williams a Bunch of Money

Wait a second, does Juan Williams really believe we should be afraid of “Muslim garb” when we see it on a plane? Greg Sargent seems to think so, based on Williams’ new statement on what happened. Well forget it. Maybe he is a bigot. If you want further, equally implicit evidence that Williams is a bigot, Fox News just handed him a $2 million contract for an “expanded role” on the network. “Juan has been a staunch defender of liberal viewpoints since his tenure began at Fox News in 1997,” Roger Ailes said. “He’s an honest man whose freedom of speech is protected by Fox News on a daily basis.” Jesus Christ. Fox News is Juan Williams’ personal ACLU. Read more on Sympathetic Fox News Hands Juan Williams a Bunch of Money…