Tag Archives: roe v. wade

  After we stopped crying we started giggling

Wingnuts Very Upset That Gay Jihadists Just Did 9/11 To America

HELP, JESUS!
When news broke that the Supreme Court had forcibly crammed gay marriage down the throatholes of every God-fearing American, our first instinct (AFTER CRYING) was go check Bryan Fischer’s Twitter-Twatter page. And he had said nothing! “WAKE UP, BRYAN FISCHER!,” we said to no one in particular, but apparently we successfully summoned the demon, because HOLY SHIT Y’ALL, he is having a meltdown of the most beautiful, epic proportions. Let’s point and laugh as Bryan Fischer explains how gay jihadists have just done a whole new 9/11 to America: Read more on Wingnuts Very Upset That Gay Jihadists Just Did 9/11 To America…
  God Gets Quite Irate

Wisconsin Abortion Bill Lets Sad Daddies Sue If Their Sacred Sperm Is Wasted

Yes, yes, he's from Texas, whatever. So sue for emotional damage.
Gosh, is there anything that could be more awful about Wisconsin’s new abortion bill? How about a provision giving men the right to sue doctors for “emotional and psychological distress” when their precious genetic material is cruelly aborted after 20 weeks? Yep, that’s pretty sucky. Wouldn’t it be enough just to give the guy a copy of the mandatory ultrasound, since those pictures are such joyous occasions? Read more on Wisconsin Abortion Bill Lets Sad Daddies Sue If Their Sacred Sperm Is Wasted…
  Frothy logic

Human Dental Dam Rick Santorum To Stop SCOTUS From Doing Gay Stuff To America, Somehow

Portrait of a warrior.
We were surprised last week when, during Rick Santorum’s presidential campaign announcement, he completely forgot to talk about how The Lord Our God hateth the homosexuals, since that is the most important thing in his world. Sure, he sort of touched on “religious freedom,” or his conception of it, but there was no clear “gays are gross” moment. Never fear, though, because he went on the Meet The Press program with beard-haver Chuck Todd, to explain how he will fight back against the Supreme Court, when it (most likely) throat-crams America with gay marriage at the end of this month: Read more on Human Dental Dam Rick Santorum To Stop SCOTUS From Doing Gay Stuff To America, Somehow…
  GOP outreach strikes again!

House GOP Figures It’s Safe To Ban Abortion Now That Everyone’s Stopped Paying Attention

You're cool with this now, right?
As further evidence that the GOP really “gets” chicks, House Republicans murdered the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act to ban abortions after 20 weeks back in January, which they’d hoped to pass on the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, to be dicks. But five months is enough time to get over that, right? So they’re planning to bring it up for a vote again next week: Read more on House GOP Figures It’s Safe To Ban Abortion Now That Everyone’s Stopped Paying Attention…
  History lesson

Congressjerk Steve King Warns We Must Brace For Endless Civil War, Thanks SCOTUS

And NO homos
Bad news, guys. We’re about to kick off another civil war, according to Iowa Rep. Steve King, who is definitely not A Idiot. What with the Supreme Court poised to force King and all his close personal hetero-friends to suck on gay penises and put rings on them while Jesus weeps in the corner, even the most casual student of U.S. America history can tell you this is exactly how that other Civil War got started: Read more on Congressjerk Steve King Warns We Must Brace For Endless Civil War, Thanks SCOTUS…
  bad analogies

Dumb Guy Has Best SCOTUS Argument Against Gay Marriage: Buttsex And Abortion Are Not Crimes!

Say what now?
We have seen many laughable rationalizations for upholding bans on marriage equality over the years, and especially in the last few months before the Supreme Court rules, once and for all, that those bans are not constitutional. (Yes, that’s probably definitely we are pretty darn sure going to happen real soon.) Bigots say equality will mean the end of the world or at least make politicians get drunk and crash their boats into children. And it will cause a million more abortions and force dudes to have to explain periods to their daughters, can you EVEN IMAGINE. Read more on Dumb Guy Has Best SCOTUS Argument Against Gay Marriage: Buttsex And Abortion Are Not Crimes!…
  Now how's about all you lezbogays get in the kitchen and make South Carolina a sammich?

South Carolina Waves Constitution Around To Prove Gays Can’t Get Married And Ladies Are Chattel

South Carolina woman no longer protected by the 14th Amendment, we guess.
The Supreme Court is planning to hear arguments at the end of April in Buttsechs v. Phyllis Schlafly (not what it’s really called), the case they will most likely use to permanently cram gay marriage into the throats and bottoms of all the American people. This means that everyone and their wingnut uncle is submitting an amicus brief that says either “here is why I want to be able to marry the person I love” or “God will bomb America with fire if we let those faggots destroy our way of life!” But the state of South Carolina has sent the Supreme Court a truly stunning love note, which essentially says that due to the 14th Amendment, they are TOO allowed to discriminate against the homosexuals. Why? Because the 14th Amendment says they can also clearly discriminate against ladies. According to this logic, ladies are just like gays, in that they are inferior to straight white Christian slaveowners, wait what? Read more on South Carolina Waves Constitution Around To Prove Gays Can’t Get Married And Ladies Are Chattel…
  Another great moment in GOP outreach

Congressmoron Louie Gohmert Quite Displeased With ‘Our Republican Females’

Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert, one of spittiest ragemonkeys the GOP has to offer, is feeling lots of upset feelings this week, and it is because House Republicans were forced to cancel a vote on their 20-week abortion ban bill that was scheduled to coincide with the anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Read more on Congressmoron Louie Gohmert Quite Displeased With ‘Our Republican Females’…
  But don't worry they will keep trying to ban abortion in all of the ways

House GOP Aborts Dumb Anti-Choice Bill Because Ladies Vote Too, Huh

do we need to go back to THIS?
Today is the 42nd anniversary of Roe v. Wade, which is one of those Supreme Court decisions that you totally know about! In Roe, the Court held that ladies have a constitutional right to have an abortion up until fetal viability, or roughly 24 or 25 weeks of pregnancy, so if you are a pregnant lady and you have been pregnant for fewer than 24 weeks, you may choose to stop being pregnant, and that is your constitutional right. Read more on House GOP Aborts Dumb Anti-Choice Bill Because Ladies Vote Too, Huh…
  Yes we're still talking about this

GOP Congressladies Would Like To Stop Talking About Legitimate Rape Please

but the Republican Congressladies aren't on board any more
On Thursday, which happens to be the 42nd anniversary of Roe v. Wade — what a coincidence! — the House will vote on H.R. 36, the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act, a bill that would ban all abortions after the 20th week of pregnancy, except when the life of the woman is physically at risk, or in cases of rape or incest where the woman has reported the rape or incest to the police or another appropriate government agency. Just to be clear, Republicans are still making a distinction between “crime rape” where a stranger rapes you and you go to the police (that kind of rape is “legitimate” rape, and so we suppose you should be allowed to have an abortion), and partner or marital rape, where you might go the police, but you might not, because it’s complicated (that kind of rape is way less legitimate, and probably it wasn’t even rape, and it should not qualify you for an abortion, because you are probably just lying that your boyfriend raped you, and that’s why you didn’t call the police). Read more on GOP Congressladies Would Like To Stop Talking About Legitimate Rape Please…
  Yes please go on strike forever

Anti-Choicers Gonna STRIKE! To End Abortion, Just Like Martin Luther King

At a March for
Since harassing women outside abortion clinics and sometimes bombing them and murdering doctors hasn’t worked, anti-choicers have a new strategy: strike! Project Defending Life is linking arms of solidarity with another “pro-life” organization, Operation Rescue (obligatory reminder: its senior policy adviser is an actual terrorist, you’re welcome) to tell everyone who loves the unborned babies to stay home in dishonor of the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, and don’t buy nothing, and also maybe they will have a sit-in at the Abortionplex lunch counter too? (Hint: Avoid the veal.) Read more on Anti-Choicers Gonna STRIKE! To End Abortion, Just Like Martin Luther King…
  Cool science fiction bros

North Dakota: You Don’t Even Need Ladies To Bake A Baby, So Time To Outlaw Abortion Again

Sure, it is legal to have abortions in these United States of Jesus, but that’s just, like, your opinion, man. (Also the law, but whatevs.) In the never-ending quest to un-legalize it, North Dakota “lawyers” have a swell new argument for freedom-forcing women to be incubators. And it’s a really good one: Read more on North Dakota: You Don’t Even Need Ladies To Bake A Baby, So Time To Outlaw Abortion Again…
  priorities

GOP House Fixes All Nation’s Problems On First Day Back, By Banning Abortion Again

Do you remember your favorite Nazi research proponent and Congressperson Trent Franks (R-AZ)? Last Congress, he sponsored H.R. 1797, The Pain Capable Unborn Child Protection Act, which yr Wonkette described at the time as “a calamitous clusterfuck of epic proportions from start to finish.” The bill would have banned all abortions after the 20th week of pregnancy, and while it did include a rape exception, that would only have been triggered if the woman reported the rape to police. And as everyone knows, that is always easy and convenient and safe for all women, hooray! After a floor debate that included insight into the masturbation habits of fetuses, the House passed the bill last June by a vote of 228-196, and then the Senate rolled around on the floor laughing and refused to touch it with a 10-foot pole. Remember when Democrats used to control the Senate, until a few weeks ago? Those were good times. Read more on GOP House Fixes All Nation’s Problems On First Day Back, By Banning Abortion Again…
  Fetal Attraction

Alabama Wingnut Judge Will Save All The Fetuses With Legal Magic

Ia! Ia! Cthulhi Ftetus!
Alabama Supreme Court Justice Tom Parker is one of the great legal minds of the “pro-life” movement, whose mission in life is to legally transmute all fertilized eggs into human beings so that abortion will go away forever, and sluts will just have to deal with the consequences of their sluttery like God wants them to. Read more on Alabama Wingnut Judge Will Save All The Fetuses With Legal Magic…
  The Texas Choice Law Massacre

It’s A Texas Abortion Party, Who Could Ask For More?

You didn't want those clinics, did you?
Excellent news, for a while at least, maybe: A federal judge has overturned part of Texas’s terrible abortion law, House Bill 2, which means that the state’s remaining clinics can stay open. The new restrictions, which would have gone into effect Monday, required clinics performing abortions to meet the same standards as hospital-based outpatient surgical facilities, and would have closed all but seven clinics in the state. Read more on It’s A Texas Abortion Party, Who Could Ask For More?…
  withered old hag says what?

Peggy Noonan Contemplates Political Division With All The Self-Awareness Of Which She Is Capable (None)

She needed a break from the city in the summer, from the heat, from the ceaseless crowds of tourists blocking the sidewalks she had to navigate to reach her favorite watering holes. From the stench of rotting garbage filling the air, invading her nostrils until even inhaling deeply the fumes from an open barrel of Tanqueray could not chase it off. The city in the summer was like the current state of America: disordered, edgy, crazed from the summer doldrums and the collapse of prosperity, the decay of its dreams. Even the graceless communist mayor had escaped, taking his family to Italy to eat pizza with a knife and fork like he was Donald Trump. She sniffed at the image. Some Man of the People! Read more on Peggy Noonan Contemplates Political Division With All The Self-Awareness Of Which She Is Capable (None)…
  all the dissents Katie

Now Is The Time For All Good Americans To Nerdcrush On Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Katie Couric has this hot job doing the online journalisming with Yahoo now, and she spent some time talking with Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who we don’t mind saying we are in deep nerdlove with. The interview takes place in Ginsburg’s office at the court, which looks a bit too much like a set for “Supreme Court Justice’s Office,” all dark wood, stacks of books, and memorabilia. There’s a sweet moment at the beginning where Ginsburg shows off her collection of (usually) lace collars (or jabots if you’re into fancy Frenchy-talk), including a rather fierce-looking beast that she wears when delivering a dissent. Read more on Now Is The Time For All Good Americans To Nerdcrush On Ruth Bader Ginsburg…
  All your uterus are belong to them

It’s The Anniversary Of Roe V. Wade So Get Yer Bortions While You Still Can

Forty-one years ago today, the Supreme Court made the bold declaration that what a woman does with her uterus is her own fucking business (before a fetus is viable, and then it gets kind of murky). And we Vagina-Americans have been fighting to remind the country that no, seriously, this is our legal right for reals, ever since. Republicans, meanwhile, being Republicans, have been trying to insert asterisks into Roe ever since. Like Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Scumbag), inventor of the heinous Hyde Amendment, which says taxpayer dollars cannot be used to pay for a legal medical procedure. And there was the Partial Birth Abortion Ban (passed with the help of several Democratic acccomplices, AHEM), which banned a procedure that is not actually a procedure but a definition Congress invented that basically says a combination of procedures used to perform abortions is especially ewwww and icky and so that should be illegal because ewwww and icky. But of course this is for the ladies’ own good because ladies are dumb and do not understand what abortion means and, as Justice Anthony Kennedy mansplained in upholding the Partial Birth Abortion Ban, even though “we find no reliable data,” certainly women MUST regret their abortions, and they MUST sometimes be depressed and have low-self esteem about it, so it is better for them if they just don’t get to have abortions. For their own good. And their self-esteem. Gee, thanks for your concern, Justice Kennedy. Please go fuck yourself with a wire hanger. The current Congress has some cool new ideas this year about how to pretend Roe is not actually the law, like maybe rape victims seeking abortions should be audited by the IRS. So compassion! Read more on It’s The Anniversary Of Roe V. Wade So Get Yer Bortions While You Still Can…
  Nice Time: Baby Killin' Edition

Radical Feminazi Sen. Richard Blumenthal To Introduce Abortion Bill That Actually Protects Women For A Change

Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired of hearing about some douchehole politician introducing yet another bill to protect the unborn masturbating fetuses and borrowing some nifty ideas from the not-hyperbole-but-actual-literal Nazis to explain how magic ladyparts work ergo ban abortion? Well, too bad, suckas, because that won’t be stopping anytime soon. See, for example, the recent Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act Bill, introduced by Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Closet), which would ban abortions at 20 weeks because, as it says RIGHT THERE IN HIS BILL, just because your fetus will be “born missing the bulk of the cerebral cortex” is no reason you shouldn’t have to carry that brainless baby to term, ya whore. However, today, let’s take a break from banging our ladyheads against the desk to do a little happy dance for this never-going-to-pass-but-still-real-nice bill, the Women’s Health Protection Act of 2013, courtesy of Sen. Richard Blumenthal (the gentleman from Connecticut) and a bunch of lady senators (who are all Democrats, of course), which would actually do some good for a change: Read more on Radical Feminazi Sen. Richard Blumenthal To Introduce Abortion Bill That Actually Protects Women For A Change…
  this way for the butthurt ladies and gentlemen

Wingnut Matt Barber Vows He Will Not Get Gay Married, Even If It Means Death Camps And Jail

It’s Monday, which means it’s time to open up the old email inbox and muck out all the Nazi analogies that have piled up over the weekend. Today brings us a generous offer from wingnut Matt Barber: “Attached is a column submission for your consideration. Re-print permission granted.” Well, hey, free content! Oh, wait, it’s from Matt Barber — bet it’s full of stoopid and hyperbole! And by golly, it is! Plus, we’re not sure we can really use it, since it’s an “exclusive” at WND, too. But anyway, what has our poor delicate flower Matt Barber drooping today? Ah, it is the SCOTUS decision on ghey marriage, of course, which is worse than Dred Scott and Roe v. Wade put together, since not only does it grant recognition to “sin-centric and sodomy-based same-sex ‘marriage,'” it also will have the “inevitable outcome” of leading to “Anti-Christian persecution.” Surprise! It turns out that Matt Barber is going to be persecuted if two ladies can file a joint tax return! Better clear out the slave cabins and the trains to Auschwitz! Read more on Wingnut Matt Barber Vows He Will Not Get Gay Married, Even If It Means Death Camps And Jail…
  a miscarriage of justice

The New York Times Very Concerned You Might Be Butthurt About People Exercising Constitutional Rights

Roe v. Wade, guys. Roe v. Wade. I know you’re probably shaking your head sadly at the mere mention of that travesty, because even if you support a woman’s right to choose when she gets to grow a baby inside her belly, you probably consider it the worst decision ever decided by the Supreme Court. It makes Dred Scott look like Brown vs. the Board of Education, amirite? At least that’s how the New York Times says you’re supposed to feel! According to this article in Sunday’s paper, everyone hates Roe, or at least everyone quoted in the story. It seems that people are pretty worried that the Supreme Court might decide gay folks should be allowed to marry each other because it could cause the kind of political turmoil that has followed in the four decades since Roe. Instead of letting state legislatures fight about abortion forever (SPOILER: they did anyway), those mean old justices decided that women should just be allowed to make decisions about their own bodies. The nerve. And now everyone hates Roe. “That general view is widely accepted across the political spectrum,” the New York Times intones wisely. Read more on The New York Times Very Concerned You Might Be Butthurt About People Exercising Constitutional Rights…