Tag Archives: rod blagojevich

  did Nazi that coming

Sam Zell Latest One Percenter To Stand Up For Poor Beleaguered One Percenters

Rich people! They just cannot shut up lately about how awesome they are and how everyone is out to get them. Last week it was spittle-brained lackwit Tom Perkins suggesting that the current mood towards our nation’s rich was just like Nazi Germany just before Hitler started shipping all the Jews off to death camps. Perkins was rightly excoriated for being a fucking idiot, though he did have at least one defender. Oops, make that two defenders. Sam Zell, who is both an infamous private equity/business titan and a Keebler elf caricature of Patrick Stewart, was interviewed on Bloombereg TV. The first chunk of the interview is a lot of boring blah blah about the new CEO at Microsoft and the real estate market and the young people wanting to live in cities and not buy houses where their old parents live out in “Bumblesomething.” But it’s towards the end of the interview that we get to the good stuff. First the interviewer, Betty Liu, asked Zell if he thought Chris Christie would survive his recent troubles. Read more on Sam Zell Latest One Percenter To Stand Up For Poor Beleaguered One Percenters…
  the dull pain that you live with isn't getting any duller

Nobody’s Seen Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. For A Month, By The Way

Were you aware that Jesse Jackson, Jr., son of the famous Jesse Jackson that you all know from civil rights and such, is a Congressman, from Barack Obama and Rod Blagojevich’s socialist Chicago paradise? He is! Did you know that he hasn’t been in Congress or seen by anyone since June 10? That is also true, and the jokesters at WLS, Chicago’s favorite all-right-wing talk radio AM station, are having some fun with this fact, like with the silly get well card at right. He is supposedly suffering from “exhaustion,” which as far as we were aware is code for “Demi Moore likes to do whip-its” and is not a recognized medical condition. This story should stay hilarious, so long as the rumors that he tried to kill himself continue to not be true! Read more on Nobody’s Seen Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. For A Month, By The Way…
  nice try

Whoops, Rod Blagojevich ‘Got Lost’ on Way to Federal Prison

Here is Rod Blagojevich having a grand old time on his way to a federal prison in Colorado, according to this grainy shot from NBC Chicago. Is he excited for jail? Or does he know something we don’t know? Let’s check the report: “It wasn’t immediately clear where Rod Blagojevich’s car was headed when it passed up the entrance to the Federal Correctional Institution (FCI) Englewood more than once.” Hm. What was he thinking? It’s ten hours to Mexico, guys! “Attorney Aaron Goldstein later confirmed they initially got lost on the way to the facility,” or something. BOO. And also: Good save, lawyer dude! Anyway, Blago is now inmate No. 40892-424, the end. [NBC Chicago] Read more on Whoops, Rod Blagojevich ‘Got Lost’ on Way to Federal Prison…
  there are no hairbrushes in prison

Rod Blagojevich Not So Proud He Won’t Offer Last News Event Before Prison

Corrupt former Illinois governor and human black hole of shame Rod Blagojevich is going away to federal prison tomorrow for fourteen years, for trying to sell Barack Obama’s old Senate seat. But why are we even telling you this, since every person in America has been carefully counting down the number of days to Blago’s incarceration with panicked dread? Rod knows how much you care, so he has taken time out of his last day of freedom to ruin one final evening news cycle with a farewell speech including some valuable fucking thoughts such as, “I still believe that this is America” and “It’s hard for me to say that I have to go to prison, ” although these words seemed to come out of his mouth fairly easily. What other words do you have for us to remember you by, Rod? Read more on Rod Blagojevich Not So Proud He Won’t Offer Last News Event Before Prison…
  there are no hairbrushes in prison

Weepy Rod Blagojevich To Rot In Prison For 14 Years

The end of the comedy career of noted political humorist Rod Blagojevich has finally come as he was sentenced to 168 months in jail today, because America has lost its taste for jokes, rampant male sexiness and Elvis impersonators in one fell swoop. Blaggy has had many valuable fucking contributions to humor, such as the time he dragged a dead Illinois child onto stage at a press conference, or the time he outed himself as a secret Negro because he shined shoes as a child, just to name a couple! Annnnd we could fill this space with several thousand more examples that can also be easily found with a quick search of the Wonkette archives, but let us hear what Rod had to say for himself before sentencing… Read more on Weepy Rod Blagojevich To Rot In Prison For 14 Years…
  guilty of winning our hearts is more like it

Our Fallen Hairline: Rod Blagojevich Guilty On 17 of 20 Charges

We are sad to see surrealist comedy news program “Rod Blagojevich Eternally On Trial For Being An Idiot” finally come to a close now that Rod has just been convicted on 17 of 20 counts of corruption. Has it really been eternity already? Seriously, we cannot remember anymore when we were not reading about this hairball goon’s ridiculous scheming. Terrible enemies of hilarity “the jury” took only ten days to decide that Rod is a hopeless piece of scum who will have to go away. We are hoping there are already plans for Rod to get a teevee show from jail? There Are No Hairbrushes in Prison can be its very tragic title, and Rod will teach troubled black inmate youth how to play harmonicas for a five-dollar donation to his imaginary come-back campaign when he gets out in 26,384 years. Read more on Our Fallen Hairline: Rod Blagojevich Guilty On 17 of 20 Charges…
  it's pronounced blah-goy-a-vich

Illinois Tells Politicians To Quit Putting Their Names On Every Road Sign

Illinois finally got tired of having to remove the names of indicted politicians from the thousands of public signs that elected state officials treat as dog patch where they get to leave little territorial name-plate marks at taxpayer expense. Gov. Pat Quinn signed a law prohibiting state officials from putting their name or likeness on any public sign paid for by the state, mostly because beloved human comedy routine Rod Blagojevich spent a half million dollars in state funds to litter his name all over the Illinois Tollway. BOO. Poor Blago. What is the point of even having a ridiculous name if you can’t make sure people see it everywhere they go? Read more on Illinois Tells Politicians To Quit Putting Their Names On Every Road Sign…
  arrest scott walker now

Madison Police Chief Says Walker’s Comments ‘Unsettling and Troubling’

Unlike the power-worshiping people-hating media whores who dismissed the whole fake-David Koch call that Scott Walker totally believed was really his boss David Koch, the Madison chief of police didn’t brush off Governor Walker’s telephone report card intended for a billionaire corporate master. Madison Police Chief Noble Wray says Walker’s recorded conversation about his plans to use agents provocateurs and thug violence against Wisconsin’s teachers and firefighters and police is “very unsettling and troubling.” Anybody remember when the governor of a neighboring state was impeached and convicted for his recorded conversations about taking simple bribes? Walker’s not only guilty of naked, admitted corruption — Walker has confirmed that it’s his voice saying he planned to hire interstate criminals to use felony violence against his constituents and state employees. Read more on Madison Police Chief Says Walker’s Comments ‘Unsettling and Troubling’…
  casimir pulaski day

Illinois Approves Civil Unions; Somebody Update Wikipedia, OK?

Illinois lawmakers on Wednesday approved legislation allowing civil unions in this state, and the governor has indicated he will sign it, making Illinois one of only a handful of states to grant to same-sex couples a broad array of legal rights and responsibilities similar to those of marriage. Read more on Illinois Approves Civil Unions; Somebody Update Wikipedia, OK?…
  black cock-us

Jesse Jackson, Jr. Admits To Sexytime With Dolphin Model, Not To Huge Bribe

According to a “major political fund-raiser” who has talked to federal authorities, former fat guy Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. directed him to raise $6 million in campaign contributions to buy the Senate seat Rod Blagojevich was selling. Jackson denied that today. But the source also told them that Jackson was having an affair with Giovanna Huidobro, a D.C. restaurant hostess and model, and had directed the source to pay for two of her airline trips to see him. Jackson didn’t really deny that one today. Of course there are internet photos of this Huidobro lady, posing sexily, with dolphins. Read more on Jesse Jackson, Jr. Admits To Sexytime With Dolphin Model, Not To Huge Bribe…
  hanging around nothing to do but frown

Roland Burris Wants To Run For Re-Election, But Only To Finish Glorious Term

Earlier this year, a court ruled that Roland Burris could not run in a special election to finish out the final weeks of his term, from the November election until the new Congress meets. The court said that was only for candidates who were also running in the election for a full term in Burris’ seat, which is on the same ballot as the special election. But because Roland Burris is insane, he is fighting like hell, appealing to the Supreme Court, to get into this special election to hold onto his seat for a few weeks in which Congress does nothing. Never mind that voters would never actually elect Roland Burris in this contest. Read more on Roland Burris Wants To Run For Re-Election, But Only To Finish Glorious Term…
  when the laughter fades

Sad Blago’s Storage Unit Of Broken Dreams Auctioned Off

Milorad “Rod” Blagojevich, a resident of Illinois, was an employee of the U.S. Federal Government until 2002, when he took a position with the government of the State of Illinois. Part of the compensation he received with this job was an employer-provided residence; however, although Blagojevich signed a new contract with the Illinois government in 2006, in early 2009 he was fired from his job due to accusations of workplace malfeasance, the details of which are still in dispute. As a result, he was forced to vacate his residence on short notice, and, like many Americans facing such a situation, placed some of his belongings in a storage unit. However, he has failed to make the required rental payments on this storage space for over a year, and, as a consequence, the contents of the unit were auctioned off yesterday. Read more on Sad Blago’s Storage Unit Of Broken Dreams Auctioned Off…
  it's morning in america

Cows, Tumbleweeds Still Denied Right To Vote In Wyoming

As threatened, both Washington and Wyoming went ahead with their primary elections yesterday. Washington didn’t surprise anybody because it is boring; in Wyoming, the nominations of Republican Matt Mead and Democrat Leslie Peterson for governor surprised everyone, because nobody had heard of any of the candidates before and thus any name would have been a surprise. Mead has a weird, defensive, rambling thing about highway funding as a top-level link on his Web site, so you know this is going to be an exciting race. Read more on Cows, Tumbleweeds Still Denied Right To Vote In Wyoming… Read more on Cows, Tumbleweeds Still Denied Right To Vote In Wyoming…
  it's morning in america

The Battle Of ‘Meet the Press’

General Petraeus is on the scene in Afghanistan — and by “Afghanistan” we mean “the Sunday morning political talk shows, in America” — to announce his intention to just stone cold win this war for you, whether you like it or not. “The president didn’t send me over here to seek a graceful exit,” Petraeus said, as he made his plans for a bloody, desperate exit midway through President Palin’s first term. In order to achieve these goals, he’s bringing in all the folks who helped him out in Iraq, including some dude from the American Enterprise Institute. Read more on The Battle Of ‘Meet the Press’… Read more on The Battle Of ‘Meet the Press’…
  if it doesn't fit you must acquit

Blagojevich Jury Deadlocked On 22 of 24 Counts

America’s Governor, Rod Blagojevich, cannot be convicted of anything because he’s too sexy. This is why the jury just told the judge, “Uhhh,” as they can’t decide on ANYTHING, and are permanently, hopelessly deadlocked on 22 of the 24 counts. (And those other two, wire-fraud/telephone charges, haven’t even been decided.) FREE BLAGO HE IS PURE AS ELVIS. [Sun Times] Read more on Blagojevich Jury Deadlocked On 22 of 24 Counts…
  popular recording artists

Listen To All Your Favorite Rod Blagojevich iTunes!

As part of his corruption trial, professional entertainer Rod Blagojevich has been appearing at Chicago’s Federal Courthouse Bar & Lounge all month to revisit some of his greatest recordings — including “I’ve Got This Thing, and It’s Fucking Golden,” his definitive hit. To capitalize on all the Blago-related excitement, the Chicago Tribune is posting the ex-governor’s greatest work along with lesser-known demos and home recordings and even handy lyrics sheets, as they’re shared with the court. Copies of his “royalty checks” are posted there, too! Read more on Listen To All Your Favorite Rod Blagojevich iTunes!…
  counterfactuals

OH, WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN: According to the testimony of some union thug, Rod Blagojevich thought that maybe he could appointed Secretary of Health and Human Services if he appointed close personal Obama friend Valerie Jarrett to the Senate. He came up with this idea after he specifically found out that Obama wanted Jarrett to be a White House advisor, so maybe Blago isn’t all that bright? But the important thing here is to try to imagine how the health care reform debate would have gone if Blagojevich were HHS secretary. Presumably for months now we would all have had a 100 percent free single-payer health insurance program, run by the mafia. [WP] Read more on …
  just like the Dreyfus Affair!

Kangaroo Court Won’t Allow Blagojevich’s Twitter To Testify On His Behalf

It was a historic and unlikely victory for Freedom when the Roberts Court ruled 5-4 that the accused have the right to “trial by a jury of their twitter followers” before being FedEx-ed to Gitmo. Well boo-hoo someone call the ACLU, because Judge Zagel, the jerk presiding over the Blagojevich trial, decided to plop a big ol’ poop on the Bill of Rights and hundreds of years of legal precedent! Read more on Kangaroo Court Won’t Allow Blagojevich’s Twitter To Testify On His Behalf…
  cartoon violence

The Real Obama REVEALED

By the Comics CurmudgeonEven though he’s been the President of the United States, literally the most famous and recognizable person on earth, for the last year and a half, and he was on TV constantly for like two years before that, and he wrote two books and so on, we don’t really know who Barack Obama is, do we? I mean, who is this character? Does he mean what he says? Can we trust him, to keep our freedoms safe? These are not racist questions to ask! That’s because birds and sex-robots aren’t “races” per se. Read more on The Real Obama REVEALED…
  there he goes

Blagojevich Spends His ‘Trial Eve’ Making Playtime

It’s an important day in world history: the kick-off of Rod Blagojevich’s Effing Golden, Parachute-Me-There Courtroom Circus Spectacular. So how does one go about mentally preparing for the stress of facing 24 federal criminal counts? Maybe a nice jog through the mean streets, or some kickball? Read more on Blagojevich Spends His ‘Trial Eve’ Making Playtime…
  his hair? innocent

The Truth Will Set Blagojevich Free So Hard

Besides maybe—maybe—like, “swift-footed Odysseus,” has there ever been an epithet more memorable or enduring than “disgraced former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich”? D.F.I.G. Rod Blagojevich is pleading not guilty, baby, for the numerous felonies he was recorded committing and planning to commit. Yesterday in court, he said this: “I challenge the government, if you’re on the side of truth and justice like you say you are, and if this was a crime spree like you claim it was, then don’t hide behind technicalities. Play all the tapes.” Right-o! Read more on The Truth Will Set Blagojevich Free So Hard…