GUESS WHO IS AUDITIONING FOR CELEBRITY APPRENTICE?? That’s exactly right! Rod Blagojevich. He will compete against Tom DeLay, Meghan McCain and the parents of Balloon Boy in a series of challenges that will determine who personifies the most lucid argument against humanity as a general concept. [People]

Wonkette ideas-man operative “Jason” sends this video and writes, “A friend of mine works at WNYC and the staff have been sharing this AWESOME clip of Blago pathetically fiddling with a pair of headphones. Let’s all point and laugh at him.” Good idea. Ha ha ha ha, look at this guy! WHAT IS HE EVEN DOING? [YouTube]

A local politician who is not Marion Barry claims DC will be invaded by “same-sex marriage” in the very near future. The last time our capital faced such unspeakable peril was during the War of 1812, when the Redcoats goose stepped down Pennsylvania Avenue and nicked James Madison’s Beanie Baby collection (and then torched Adams Morgan, just for good measure). [Washington Times] MORE »

The biggest television event of the day has already occurred, and it has nothing to do with Obama and death care. Meghan McCain has been guest-hosting the ladies’ television program The View, and today’s celebrity drop-ins included Mr. Rod Blagojevich and his lovely wife Miss Lady. Meghan tells Blago that he is “ballsy” for writing a book. “You definitely must feel like you didn’t do anything wrong I mean to write a book and whatever like that’s how secure you are that this is something else?” “Well that’s exactly right, Meghan.” [YouTube]

On Wednesday and Thursday the Internet’s First Daughter, Meghan McCain, will be appearing on The View, America’s most threatening daytime pastiche! She will be filling in for one of the ladies, the Elizabeth one, who plays an uninformed blond conservative named “Elizabeth.” It will be the greatest performance of young Meg’s blossoming guest-hosting/role modeling/media criticism/blog/Tina Brown/Twitter/The Hills/boys!!/punditry career. She will obviously be interviewing Rod Blagojevich. MORE »

ROD BLAGOJEVICH IS YOUR NEW KING OF POP: Failed atavistic Fellini villain Rod Blagojevich has been spotted peddling his clownish Elvis impersonation grift at a parade in downtown Chicago. Shame on you Rod Blagojevich, for this obvious insult to the memory of John Hughes. [Chicago Tribune]

Illinois political legend and pyramid builder Roland Burris will not run for re-election in 2010, according to various Chicago street organizers. And, because he wasn’t elected in the first place, he will also not do that, run for election. This will be announced tomorrow at Michael Jackson’s Friday News-Dump Memorial Service, to be held deep within the bowels of Roland Burris’ Tomb. But how will the Democrats maintain their fragile, broken and actually worthless 60-vote super-majority in the Senate, without Hero Roland? [Chicago Sun-Times/AP-Yahoo]

America’s favorite hair trap, Rod Blagojevich, appeared in a Second City comedy show on Saturday and made everybody deeply uncomfortable by either not getting the joke or getting it too much. “Everyone in the place was wondering the same thing: How could he sit there and watch himself depicted in this way? To sit sportingly through a fictional satirical critique is one thing; but in this case the material came from a federal indictment. Making ample use of tape.” Rod Blagojevich is the greatest performance artist in America since Karen Finley. [Chicago Tribune]

While his wife is busy in Costa Rica eating spiders, the former governor of Illinois will amuse himself by taking part in “Rod Blagojevich Superstar,” a Second City show that is all about how much he sucks. One-time appearance this Saturday, tickets on sale now, etc! [The Second City]

A wise man once said, “Do not watch television. It will only make you sad and empty.” And here is proof: 20 agonizing minutes of Chris Matthews shouting at Roland Burris, who tries to explain why that stuff he said on that FBI wiretap doesn’t prove that he was involved in any tomfoolery with Rod Blagojevich to snag his Senate appointment. It just kind of goes on and on in that fashion and just when you think it will end Matthews says, “OK Senator I like you, I think you’re a good guy, I’m going to give you one more chance to explain yourself” and that’s when you know you’re in for another eternity of torture. Why couldn’t Roland Burris have gotten involved in something fun and interesting, like a hooker scandal? [MSNBC]

When Rod Blagojevich lost his cush job as governor of Illinois, everybody wondered how he would ever be able to put food on his family again because he was qualified to perform zero useful functions outside of being America’s Clown. But then he got a book deal and people were all, “Oh hey nice six-figure book deal you got there, even if it’s chicken scratch compared to what you could have gotten in bribes if you’d stayed in office.” Now we “turn the page” on another “chapter” (GET IT???) of this exciting story. MORE »