Just when you think the Department of Defense is too busy with actually physically bombing things to worry about nutty mind-control schemes or mosquito assassins, they come out with another freaky report that gives a dark and terrifying glimpse into a future of warfare featuring insanity-inducing drugs, brain-scanning, and “distributed human-machine systems.” In other words, just a day in the life of Cindy McCain, wife of the world’s oldest cyborg… MORE »

Wonkette omen operative “Jacklyn” sends us this photo and writes, “Does anyone know what these paintings are or why they are there? They are painted on streets all around the Mall… 3rd, 4th, and 7th, Streets NW at least.” We have no clue but are willing to conjecture: In ten days, a race of oversized, porous ribbed condoms from Outer Space will destroy this city and rebuild it as five-star day spa. Any other theories?

Just in time for the November coup by poorly-aging gimp-DILF John McCain, the free states of America are planning to unman our households and militias. Now that Charlton Heston is safely packed in his coffin with a dozen darling rifles, 38 states want to take away our sidearms—those wonderful death-sticks that have for years consoled our bitterness regarding our poverty. (Me, I take my gun to church. Next they will take our nativity scenes and our child brides. Later flesh-coated robots will come and intercourse with our children in the public-private schools.) This initiative is led on numerous fronts: Tiny wonderful oligarch Jew Michael Bloomberg in New York is bullying all of America’s wuss-mayors; and also the extremely liberal Supreme Court is, in D.C. v. Heller, quite possibly planning on taking guns away from D.C. residents, which is exactly where America needs its guns most. You see the larger picture here: we will be defenseless against the bolt-necked army of Cindy McCains. [New York Times]

Robot slaves may be the foot soldiers in John McCain’s thousand-year surge, if expert predictions prove true. Scientists in the field of artificial intelligence see a time in the not-so-distant future when robots will be able to kill on command without any human intervention. This intriguing development could leave the United States to wage robot wars across the planet with other countries’ robots, making war into a sort of healthy and ultimately deathless exercise, except for the robot slaves who will perish horribly in flames. Scientific proof after the jump. MORE »

We were horrified to see Fox News referring to athlete John Ruf as “Robo ‘Crusher’” until we realized the photo was actually an illustration of last night’s Democratic debate. Thanks to reader Eric for sharing.

Aww, the Iowa professorbot just has a crush on Bill and doesn’t know how to express himself! Damn you Bill with your teasing. He might be a robot, but robots like to fuck sometimes too. [MSNBC]

Former president Clinton was campaigning for that wife of his in Iowa yesterday when a cyborg from the planet Universityofiowa heckled him. Clearly Tom Tancredo has been targeting the wrong kind of illegals. MORE »

South Korea’s Commerce Ministry, obviously awash in tax revenues, announced yesterday its intention to build not one but two robot theme parks. The plan to allow people to “interact with robots and test new products,” and, presumably, to allow the threat of a vast robot army to scare the crap out of Kim Jong Il. This is how it starts, people. You’ve been warned. [Yahoo News]

In their continuing quest to destroy the world, Ron Paul supporters have been stepping up their spamming efforts through the employ of rogue spambots. According to the University of Alabama-Birmingham’s computer forensics research department — which has some project where they read spam messages all day — many of the Paultards’ e-mails are “clearly not coming from Ron Paul’s official campaign, but rather illegitimate spam operations and botnets.” MORE »

America has finally learned the steep price it must pay for handing over so much control to the Robots. In the pre-dawn hours of Sunday, hundreds of millions of electronic clocks, cell phones, parking meters, microwaves, video games, air conditioner thermostats, digital cameras, remote-controlled vibrators and nuclear devices automatically switched to “Daylight Savings Time,” even though Congress wantonly switched the “fall back” date to next Sunday in some otherwise unrelated pile of legislation passed in 2005 — and no-one alive today will ever forget the tragic consequences. MORE »

There’s another SURGE going down in Iraq — but this time, American Robots are doing the surging. These special robots appear to be made by the same company that makes those funny round vacuum robots that get caught and then make the sad beep from under your dining room table if the chairs are too close together like they usually are because that’s where the chairs are supposed to go. In other words, this should turn out well. MORE »