The forces of good and evil resume their bilious clouded swirl over the state of Wisconsin today as primary voters go to cast votes in the state’s recall elections against six of Scott Walker’s senate puppets, and it is already just an orgy of dead fetuses and robots. Robocalls possibly from Wisconsin “Right to Life” are […]

Republicans and Democrats came together to oppose the renewal of the Patriot Act — which lets the government do literally whatever it wants to anyone, anywhere — and then other Republicans and Democrats came together in bigger numbers to approve the renewal of the Patriot Act. So if you were planning on doing anything vaguely […]

If you went to high school in the past ten years, you may have seen an Ad Council poster hung somewhere that said you will make millions of more dollars over your lifetime if you earn a college degree than if you merely finish high school. Never mind that the same federal government that printed […]

Big news on the technology front: A computer or some kind of Roomba or who knows is going to fight humans on teevee’s JEOPARDY! All of America can finally get back to the business of America, because using a strange kind of 1980s computer technology, people and robots will finally battle while that theme music […]

It’s a good thing America “calmed down” after the weekend massacres! Now we can get back to worrying about snow, dead animals everywhere, exploding BMWs around the Pentagon/CIA, flooding in Australia, and more massacres. The Terror Threat Alert Level is “super dooper high” and our guest presenter “The Snooki” was going to illustrate this with […]

You know how you know when a constant terror threat level alert is working? When people actually go so crazy that they start sending packages that “ignite and smoke” to the head of the Homeland Security Safety Mall Corporation. This is really going on! People in Maryland are sending smoke bombs addressed to Janet Napolitano […]

Praise Geezus, TLC found another meth-fueled megalomaniac desperate for reality teevee fame: Ted Haggard! America’s most favorite megachurch megahypocrite will star in his very own teevee special, “Ted Haggard’s Alaska,” which will feature scenes of Ted Haggard preaching to hobos at his new barn church in Colorado Springs. Yes, Haggard is back, and he’s spreadin’ […]

Whoa what even happened in the House of Representatives today? Those dudes are trying to prove they can read? Very fancy. Our special U.S. GOP Terror Threat Alert Robot can also read, with her mind, which is a computer chip from a spaceship. And the Wonkbot TSA-1138 has now been programmed to read the Facebook […]

What will the Terror Threat Level Alert-bot tell us today, about the challenges we all face? Ever since the Nobama Administration’s WONK-bot TSA-1138 began these video updates yesterday, we’ve all become much safer and much more terrorized, simultaneously. For example, did you know that ALL THE BIRDS are falling out of the sky, as bombs, […]

All joking aside, we used to be able to understand at least one of the things Chuck Grassley was trying to say in his tweets. Now, we are pretty sure he is just some kind of robot. Is this some kind of incomprehensible spam? Is it instructions to animals or fellow machines that humans simply […]

It’s morning in America, for reals this time! The United States has finally honored its favorite sanitation robot that toiled for 800 years cleaning up the Earth after fat slob humans trashed the whole place. That’s right, WALL-E is now on a postage stamp, so that very old people who still pay bills with stamps […]

It’s 1 a.m., and you are in Nevada (why are you in Nevada?). Anyway: You are drinking grain alcohol in bed, because that is the best way to wind down after a long day of being unemployed/cursing Harry Reid. You begin to mumble again about how “Washington and Harry Reid are broken,” but then the […]

Happy 9/11 airspace, everybody. And remember that if we don’t fight them (our own robot drone bomb-droppin’ planes) over there, we will surely have to shoot them down over DC, eventually, when they come back home to find “Mother.” The AP reports today: WASHINGTON — The U.S. military almost launched fighter jets and discussed a […]

Important primaries are happening right now in Georgia, Connecticut, Minnesota and Colorado, which are states that have little in common except that their voting robots all decided today was the day to provide sham “primary elections” to their states’ non-lizard-people. Will human vanilla bean Sen. Michael Bennet be able to hold off his challenger Andrew […]

New employment numbers are out and they’re great news! Oh, wait, we had the thing upside down, they’re actually terrible. 131,000 fewer jobs last month, although that figure includes 141,000 liberal census workers who were let go after the government decided to just make up the census numbers this year. In fact, the private sector […]