Tag Archives: robots

  robots running everything

From France, Obama Forces His Robot To Sign Patriot Act Renewal

Republicans and Democrats came together to oppose the renewal of the Patriot Act — which lets the government do literally whatever it wants to anyone, anywhere — and then other Republicans and Democrats came together in bigger numbers to approve the renewal of the Patriot Act. So if you were planning on doing anything vaguely terrorist-y like talking on the phone or using public transportation, rest assured that you are still under surveillance. But the interesting part of this story is that President Obama couldn’t sign the bill because he is in France, having a very lovely vacation. Couldn’t Joe Biden sign off? Apparently not! Plus, he is super busy returning Obama’s calls. So Barack Obama ordered his handwriting robot to sign the bill into law, and that’s apparently okey-dokey with the Constitution. A robot! Let’s hope it was at least assembled in the USA. Read more on From France, Obama Forces His Robot To Sign Patriot Act Renewal…
  laugh it up ken jennings

Don’t Go To College; All Those ‘Good’ Jobs Are Being Taken By Robots Too

If you went to high school in the past ten years, you may have seen an Ad Council poster hung somewhere that said you will make millions of more dollars over your lifetime if you earn a college degree than if you merely finish high school. Never mind that the same federal government that printed those posters won’t provide you this four years of extra education it seems to find so crucial; in fact, it would be happy to help you go tens of thousands of dollars in debt you will never be able to pay off. But this burgeoning wage cushion the college-educated once enjoyed no longer exists. And soon there will no longer be nearly any magical middle-class “knowledge economy” jobs for college graduates, because robots are coming to take those too. And it turns out the robots are even better at that than they were at manufacturing! Read more on Don’t Go To College; All Those ‘Good’ Jobs Are Being Taken By Robots Too…
  'alex trebek sucks'

Wonkbot Will Take Its Terror To TeeVee’s Jeopardy

Big news on the technology front: A computer or some kind of Roomba or who knows is going to fight humans on teevee’s JEOPARDY! All of America can finally get back to the business of America, because using a strange kind of 1980s computer technology, people and robots will finally battle while that theme music plays. If this keeps up, we’ll have health care reform repealed (by the House only) in no time! Read more on Wonkbot Will Take Its Terror To TeeVee’s Jeopardy…
  emotional weather report

Wonkbot Threat Level: Snowy, Fearful

It’s a good thing America “calmed down” after the weekend massacres! Now we can get back to worrying about snow, dead animals everywhere, exploding BMWs around the Pentagon/CIA, flooding in Australia, and more massacres. The Terror Threat Alert Level is “super dooper high” and our guest presenter “The Snooki” was going to illustrate this with syphilis but instead we drew survey marks on her head and sent her to get a GED. Who wins? America wins! Also the Wonkbot has finally thrown out your teevee with all its vulgar garbage inside. Read more on Wonkbot Threat Level: Snowy, Fearful…
  tgif tsa-1138

TGIF: Terror Threat Level So Frickin’ High Tonight, It Thinks It’s God Now

You know how you know when a constant terror threat level alert is working? When people actually go so crazy that they start sending packages that “ignite and smoke” to the head of the Homeland Security Safety Mall Corporation. This is really going on! People in Maryland are sending smoke bombs addressed to Janet Napolitano because of those highway signs that tell drivers to report anybody doing anything suspicious, such as not eating sixteen tacos while driving to another fast food franchise. Read more on TGIF: Terror Threat Level So Frickin’ High Tonight, It Thinks It’s God Now…
  it's morning in america

Famous Homo Meth Pastor Ted Haggard Will Star In TeeVee Special

Praise Geezus, TLC found another meth-fueled megalomaniac desperate for reality teevee fame: Ted Haggard! America’s most favorite megachurch megahypocrite will star in his very own teevee special, “Ted Haggard’s Alaska,” which will feature scenes of Ted Haggard preaching to hobos at his new barn church in Colorado Springs. Yes, Haggard is back, and he’s spreadin’ the word of the Lord — but certainly not his ass cheeks! He doesn’t do that kind of stuff anymore. This is what Ted Haggard told a newspaper: “Tiger Woods needs to golf. Michael Vick needs to be playing football. Ted Haggard needs to be leading a church.” And also, Ted Haggard needs to be leading more men into his motel room, for anal meth pleasure. [TPM] Read more on Famous Homo Meth Pastor Ted Haggard Will Star In TeeVee Special… Read more on Famous Homo Meth Pastor Ted Haggard Will Star In TeeVee Special…
  john boehner can read?

Terror Threat Level: Very Orange

Whoa what even happened in the House of Representatives today? Those dudes are trying to prove they can read? Very fancy. Our special U.S. GOP Terror Threat Alert Robot can also read, with her mind, which is a computer chip from a spaceship. And the Wonkbot TSA-1138 has now been programmed to read the Facebook page of John Boehner. It is almost like if someone had sex inside your ear, plus you had died a while ago, from Obamacare. Read more on Terror Threat Level: Very Orange…
  a nation challenged

America Under Attack: Terror Birds Dropping Like Bombs

What will the Terror Threat Level Alert-bot tell us today, about the challenges we all face? Ever since the Nobama Administration’s WONK-bot TSA-1138 began these video updates yesterday, we’ve all become much safer and much more terrorized, simultaneously. For example, did you know that ALL THE BIRDS are falling out of the sky, as bombs, and all the fish are becoming “river bombs” and that goofy book The Road is starting to become more scientifically plausible by the hour? (How unlikely did it seem that all the plants and animals and whatever would die, but some hillbilly and his autistic kid would miraculously survive, along with gangs of hair-metal rapists who ate only … hillbillies? Anyway, totally realistic now.) Read more on America Under Attack: Terror Birds Dropping Like Bombs…
  but can he feeeeeel?

Twitter Has Officially Turned Chuck Grassley Into a Robot

All joking aside, we used to be able to understand at least one of the things Chuck Grassley was trying to say in his tweets. Now, we are pretty sure he is just some kind of robot. Is this some kind of incomprehensible spam? Is it instructions to animals or fellow machines that humans simply can’t understand? More importantly, how does this man manage to speak full sentences, in English, on the Senate floor when this is how his brain organizes information? Even the pre-est of the pre-teens do not understand what this crap is. Read more on Twitter Has Officially Turned Chuck Grassley Into a Robot…
  facts are stupid things

Trash Robot and Dead Actor Honored On Postage Stamps

It’s morning in America, for reals this time! The United States has finally honored its favorite sanitation robot that toiled for 800 years cleaning up the Earth after fat slob humans trashed the whole place. That’s right, WALL-E is now on a postage stamp, so that very old people who still pay bills with stamps will look upon this little adhesive picture of a strange, squat goggle-eyed garbage-compactor puppet and think, “Oh look, E.T. is on a stamp. My grandchildren used to love that movie, before they all died in Iraq.” You know who else loved E.T., the Extra-Terrestrial? That’s right, teevee’s Ronald Reagan. And apparently he is dead now, just like WALL-E, because the Post Office put him on a stamp, too. Read more on Trash Robot and Dead Actor Honored On Postage Stamps…
  robo rudeness

Sandra Day O’Connor Robot Drunk Dials Nevada Voters All Night Long

It’s 1 a.m., and you are in Nevada (why are you in Nevada?). Anyway: You are drinking grain alcohol in bed, because that is the best way to wind down after a long day of being unemployed/cursing Harry Reid. You begin to mumble again about how “Washington and Harry Reid are broken,” but then the phone rings! You don’t even bother picking up, because you know who it is: It’s that goddamned Sandra Day O’Connor, always calling at odd hours and telling you how she feels about some lame ballot initiative. Ugh. Why doesn’t she just go to bed? Because these constant phone calls are actually from a Sandra Day O’Connor Robot, and robots never sleep. But also someone screwed up the robocall schedule! Read more on Sandra Day O’Connor Robot Drunk Dials Nevada Voters All Night Long…
  who knew our robot planes were islamic?

DC Attacked By American Robot Death Plane

Happy 9/11 airspace, everybody. And remember that if we don’t fight them (our own robot drone bomb-droppin’ planes) over there, we will surely have to shoot them down over DC, eventually, when they come back home to find “Mother.” Read more on DC Attacked By American Robot Death Plane…
  bachmann intoxication

We Will Liveblog Tonight Until America Hurts From Too Much Freedom

Important primaries are happening right now in Georgia, Connecticut, Minnesota and Colorado, which are states that have little in common except that their voting robots all decided today was the day to provide sham “primary elections” to their states’ non-lizard-people. Will human vanilla bean Sen. Michael Bennet be able to hold off his challenger Andrew Romanoff? Will Michele Bachmann win her primary in Minnesota and thus be eligible to be re-raptured to Washington in November? Read more on We Will Liveblog Tonight Until America Hurts From Too Much Freedom…
  karel capek was right

Robots, Rich People Team Up To Destroy Economy

New employment numbers are out and they’re great news! Oh, wait, we had the thing upside down, they’re actually terrible. 131,000 fewer jobs last month, although that figure includes 141,000 liberal census workers who were let go after the government decided to just make up the census numbers this year. In fact, the private sector added a whole 71,000 jobs in July…71,000 jobs for humans. But how many jobs for robots? Why won’t the government release those important numbers? Read more on Robots, Rich People Team Up To Destroy Economy…
  sure whatever

Let’s Just Go Ahead and Post This Robot Sarah Palin Thing

There is really nothing going on today. We suppose we have to post a thing about Palin saying Obama is “in over his head.” WAIT, NO, HERE IS SOME INSANE ROBOT THING WE FOUND ON YOUTUBE. That’ll do. Same thing, basically. Read more on Let’s Just Go Ahead and Post This Robot Sarah Palin Thing…
  wonkette world o' books

Robots From Socialist Future Hound Eternal Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich

Every political party needs an intellectual guru, and 1990s nostalgia act Newt Gingrich is the “Ideas Man” for the GOP establishment when he’s not playing Pearl Jam and Cardigans covers. Some consider Newt a great thinker, perceptive about history and full of “American Solutions for Winning the Future.” This is because 2010 America doesn’t really have thinkers. Instead we have policy nerds and op-ed page n’ teevee boredom-mongers, all of them “intellectuals” because, uh, they go on the teevee and type the op-ed page. They also occasionally write books like Newt’s violent robot novel To Save America: Stopping Obama’s Secular-Socialist Machines, er, we mean, MACHINE, a tale of socialist robots sent from the godless future to kill Ronald Reagan’s ghost. Read more on Robots From Socialist Future Hound Eternal Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich…