Tag Archives: robots

  john boehner can read?

Terror Threat Level: Very Orange

Whoa what even happened in the House of Representatives today? Those dudes are trying to prove they can read? Very fancy. Our special U.S. GOP Terror Threat Alert Robot can also read, with her mind, which is a computer chip from a spaceship. And the Wonkbot TSA-1138 has now been programmed to read the Facebook page of John Boehner. It is almost like if someone had sex inside your ear, plus you had died a while ago, from Obamacare. Read more on Terror Threat Level: Very Orange…
  a nation challenged

America Under Attack: Terror Birds Dropping Like Bombs

What will the Terror Threat Level Alert-bot tell us today, about the challenges we all face? Ever since the Nobama Administration’s WONK-bot TSA-1138 began these video updates yesterday, we’ve all become much safer and much more terrorized, simultaneously. For example, did you know that ALL THE BIRDS are falling out of the sky, as bombs, and all the fish are becoming “river bombs” and that goofy book The Road is starting to become more scientifically plausible by the hour? (How unlikely did it seem that all the plants and animals and whatever would die, but some hillbilly and his autistic kid would miraculously survive, along with gangs of hair-metal rapists who ate only … hillbillies? Anyway, totally realistic now.) Read more on America Under Attack: Terror Birds Dropping Like Bombs…
  but can he feeeeeel?

Twitter Has Officially Turned Chuck Grassley Into a Robot

All joking aside, we used to be able to understand at least one of the things Chuck Grassley was trying to say in his tweets. Now, we are pretty sure he is just some kind of robot. Is this some kind of incomprehensible spam? Is it instructions to animals or fellow machines that humans simply can’t understand? More importantly, how does this man manage to speak full sentences, in English, on the Senate floor when this is how his brain organizes information? Even the pre-est of the pre-teens do not understand what this crap is. Read more on Twitter Has Officially Turned Chuck Grassley Into a Robot…
  facts are stupid things

Trash Robot and Dead Actor Honored On Postage Stamps

It’s morning in America, for reals this time! The United States has finally honored its favorite sanitation robot that toiled for 800 years cleaning up the Earth after fat slob humans trashed the whole place. That’s right, WALL-E is now on a postage stamp, so that very old people who still pay bills with stamps will look upon this little adhesive picture of a strange, squat goggle-eyed garbage-compactor puppet and think, “Oh look, E.T. is on a stamp. My grandchildren used to love that movie, before they all died in Iraq.” You know who else loved E.T., the Extra-Terrestrial? That’s right, teevee’s Ronald Reagan. And apparently he is dead now, just like WALL-E, because the Post Office put him on a stamp, too. Read more on Trash Robot and Dead Actor Honored On Postage Stamps…
  robo rudeness

Sandra Day O’Connor Robot Drunk Dials Nevada Voters All Night Long

It’s 1 a.m., and you are in Nevada (why are you in Nevada?). Anyway: You are drinking grain alcohol in bed, because that is the best way to wind down after a long day of being unemployed/cursing Harry Reid. You begin to mumble again about how “Washington and Harry Reid are broken,” but then the phone rings! You don’t even bother picking up, because you know who it is: It’s that goddamned Sandra Day O’Connor, always calling at odd hours and telling you how she feels about some lame ballot initiative. Ugh. Why doesn’t she just go to bed? Because these constant phone calls are actually from a Sandra Day O’Connor Robot, and robots never sleep. But also someone screwed up the robocall schedule! Read more on Sandra Day O’Connor Robot Drunk Dials Nevada Voters All Night Long…
  who knew our robot planes were islamic?

DC Attacked By American Robot Death Plane

Happy 9/11 airspace, everybody. And remember that if we don’t fight them (our own robot drone bomb-droppin’ planes) over there, we will surely have to shoot them down over DC, eventually, when they come back home to find “Mother.” Read more on DC Attacked By American Robot Death Plane…
  bachmann intoxication

We Will Liveblog Tonight Until America Hurts From Too Much Freedom

Important primaries are happening right now in Georgia, Connecticut, Minnesota and Colorado, which are states that have little in common except that their voting robots all decided today was the day to provide sham “primary elections” to their states’ non-lizard-people. Will human vanilla bean Sen. Michael Bennet be able to hold off his challenger Andrew Romanoff? Will Michele Bachmann win her primary in Minnesota and thus be eligible to be re-raptured to Washington in November? Read more on We Will Liveblog Tonight Until America Hurts From Too Much Freedom…
  karel capek was right

Robots, Rich People Team Up To Destroy Economy

New employment numbers are out and they’re great news! Oh, wait, we had the thing upside down, they’re actually terrible. 131,000 fewer jobs last month, although that figure includes 141,000 liberal census workers who were let go after the government decided to just make up the census numbers this year. In fact, the private sector added a whole 71,000 jobs in July…71,000 jobs for humans. But how many jobs for robots? Why won’t the government release those important numbers? Read more on Robots, Rich People Team Up To Destroy Economy…
  sure whatever

Let’s Just Go Ahead and Post This Robot Sarah Palin Thing

There is really nothing going on today. We suppose we have to post a thing about Palin saying Obama is “in over his head.” WAIT, NO, HERE IS SOME INSANE ROBOT THING WE FOUND ON YOUTUBE. That’ll do. Same thing, basically. Read more on Let’s Just Go Ahead and Post This Robot Sarah Palin Thing…
  wonkette world o' books

Robots From Socialist Future Hound Eternal Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich

Every political party needs an intellectual guru, and 1990s nostalgia act Newt Gingrich is the “Ideas Man” for the GOP establishment when he’s not playing Pearl Jam and Cardigans covers. Some consider Newt a great thinker, perceptive about history and full of “American Solutions for Winning the Future.” This is because 2010 America doesn’t really have thinkers. Instead we have policy nerds and op-ed page n’ teevee boredom-mongers, all of them “intellectuals” because, uh, they go on the teevee and type the op-ed page. They also occasionally write books like Newt’s violent robot novel To Save America: Stopping Obama’s Secular-Socialist Machines, er, we mean, MACHINE, a tale of socialist robots sent from the godless future to kill Ronald Reagan’s ghost. Read more on Robots From Socialist Future Hound Eternal Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich…
  oily pelicans

The Deathstorm in the Sea Keeps on Churnin’ On Day 94

After losing strength over what’s left of Haiti, The Deathstorm hit open water, started gobbling steroids, and now has its eye set on breaking Hurricane Katrina’s home run record. The Deathstorm is currently named “III,” or “three” for those of you who aren’t subjects of the Roman Empire. Once it increases in strength and size it will be known as Bonnie. Meanwhile, near the Land of Drug Cartels, another deathstorm is forming, but its current status is illegal until further notice. Admiralissimo Allen has decreed that the Wondercap will remain closed in the event of a major storm. Track the storm with USA Today’s fancy graphic. Read more on The Deathstorm in the Sea Keeps on Churnin’ On Day 94… Read more on The Deathstorm in the Sea Keeps on Churnin’ On Day 94…
  oily pelicans

Tropical Deathstorm Forming, Could Impact Spill, But Not On Day 93

Just when you thought that everything was returning to normal in the Black Gulf (OMG IS THAT RACIST?!? PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME GREAT AND POWERFUL EDITOR KEN LAYNE!!11!! BREITBART CAN HAZ TEH VIDEOS!) there appears to be a tropical death-storm forming in the Caribbean Sea. Presently it has a 60% chance of forming into a tropical death-storm. Where will it go? Just like the cleanup operations, nobody knows — but it will likely crash into Florida or end up stirring shit up in the Gulf. Read more on Tropical Deathstorm Forming, Could Impact Spill, But Not On Day 93… Read more on Tropical Deathstorm Forming, Could Impact Spill, But Not On Day 93…
  oily pelicans

Don’t Worry About the Tiny Bubbles On Day 92

Now that the oil spill/disaster/catastrophe is finally over (?!), BP is looking into another option to seal the well called “static kill” or “bullheading.” Static Kill involves shooting heavy mud and ground-up chunks of Haley Barbour into the well. You can add these methods to “top hat,” “top kill,” and “junk shot” on the list of dirty oil sex maneuvers that you’ve been inspired to try by BP. Read more on Don’t Worry About the Tiny Bubbles On Day 92… Read more on Don’t Worry About the Tiny Bubbles On Day 92…
  phone-y messages

Palin Using Her ‘Grizzly Phone’ Too Much

Another Tuesday means another round of primary elections for feminist trailblazer Sarah Palin and her grizzly moms: the lady Republicans who love what Palin loves, like guns and power and Sarah Palin. Mama Palin’s been helping her grrrls by making fancy robocalls on their behalf, but some people are saying these calls might be illegal! Why are “they” are trying to “knock” the grizzlies down? Read more on Palin Using Her ‘Grizzly Phone’ Too Much…
  someday robots will also be our hobos

Hey, Economy, Calm Down, Obama Just Said We Have Jobs Again!

So much for that “it’s just a glitch in the stock-market computer robot” theory, right? Stocks collapsed worldwide as the Fear circled the Earth just as the Sun used to circle the Earth before we had Science — and look what your precious science has done, what with the computers who think Proctor & Gamble is worth $39 a share, which is blasphemy! What is this, 2002? NO IT IS, UH, 2010! Read more on Hey, Economy, Calm Down, Obama Just Said We Have Jobs Again!…
  begun these drone wars have

US Launches Secret Robot Space Shuttle

A robotic space plane launched from Cape Canaveral at 7:52 p.m. tonight, and god knows what that even means. The X-37b is a small unmanned orbiter that can stay in space for up nine months at a time and glides down to a runway landing like some eerie 2010 version of, say, a 1970s space shuttle. Nobody will say what it’s doing or why it’s up there. Read more on US Launches Secret Robot Space Shuttle…
  meet your new robotic space lords

Space Shuttle Launch Didn’t Go Terribly Wrong; Just Three More Flights Before Robots Take Over

We are not always kind to NASA — because come on, most of those people couldn’t even hold a job at the Jiffy Lube — but today’s launch of Discovery went off without a terrible explosion killing everyone aboard. And that’s something, for NASA! Plus, this is the fourth-to-last Space Shuttle mission, ever. No more incredibly expensive launches of this 1970s beater for the purpose of going around in circles in low-earth orbit, not after the final mission this Fall. Oh yeah, and did you hear the shuttle is being replaced by a super-cool Shadowy Robot Shuttle? Read more on Space Shuttle Launch Didn’t Go Terribly Wrong; Just Three More Flights Before Robots Take Over…
  where's sarah connor?

Michelle Obama’s Robot Army Protects Barack

And how did those dirty White House Party Crashers get by Michelle Obama’s robot-assassin droid? Here is the actual White House Flickr caption: “An aide to the First Lady, wearing a radio on the back of her dress, watches as President Barack Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and his wife, Mrs Gursharan Kaur, greet guests in the Blue Room of the White House at the State Dinner, Nov. 24, 2009.” So, basically, this robot gal could’ve zapped the interlopers with her radio-laser weapon, but didn’t, because she’s a righteous bodhisattva. [White House Flickr] Read more on Michelle Obama’s Robot Army Protects Barack…
  insanity

NEW TIMMY MCVEIGH IN A RED BEETLE, NEGOTIATING WITH A BOMB ROBOT: “WESTWOOD — A man accused of making threats against the White House led officers on a wild freeway chase that ended in a standoff outside the Federal Building.” Nice. Hooray for August. What does this sentence mean?: “The LAPD bomb squad is using its robot as officers try to coax the suspect out of the vehicle.” [KTLA] Read more on …
  impostors

Obama Really Is Just A Talking Robot

Wise up, America! This “President Obama” of yours may look rather lifelike, but in fact he is just an animatronic mummy stolen from the “Pirates of the Caribbean” exhibit at Disney Land. When he gives even the briefest of remarks the words do not come spontaneously into his head, from God, but instead are fed directly into his brain from a teleprompter. This makes everything he says a lie. Read more on Obama Really Is Just A Talking Robot…