Wonkette

Every six months or so you will read something in the paper about a kooky new DARPA project where military scientists have outfitted wasps with nuclear warheads, or invented some kind of mind-reading goo or Cloak of Invisibility or whatever. Your semi-annual installment of freaky War Science News has researchers debating the utility of autonomous robots that could maybe avoid torturing people and bombing cemeteries. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Now that the election is over and Barry Hussein Von Hopenstein has won, we can admit that as part of the vast media conspiracy, we were all thoroughly very deeply in the enormous tank. Also in the tank were all political cartoonists, except for a few, to whom we will not give equal time today, due to our in-the-tankness. But like all members of the media, the cartoonitariat is a fickle thing, and they are all beginning to show us the horror that awaits us under President Obama. Read on to find out how bad it will get … if you dare. MORE »

• In the 90s, McCain gave thousands of dollars of Neiman Marcus gift certificates to fashion terrorist Rashid Khalidi. [Ezra Klein]
• This Mass. state senator accepted bribes from a swanky European-style discotheque called “Dejavu” in exchange for getting them a liquor license. Naturally, there are hotpixxx of her stuffing $1000 of this illicit ca$h into her bra. [TPMMuckraker]
• John McCain will be President if it rains on Election Day, as no one except Cindy McCain can afford an umbrella. And nor should they! Here are your Five Day Forecasts. [Marc Ambinder/Weather.com]
• Look at this Soviet robot, engineered by ACORN and armed with deceptively low-budget appendages that are designed to cast Communist Party ballots in the names of hundreds of illegal fictional homeless people. [Ben Smith]
• In Muslim Kindergarden, Barack Obama forced other children to play with his dumb Karl Marx sex dolls. [HuffPost]

It’s Caroline Hergenrother! Do you know Caroline Hergenrother? Caroline Hergenrother! She’s just to the right of the friendly wiener. She’s a Republican state House candidate in Ohio, is Caroline Hergenrother! And this weekend, she was dancing at a bar with someone who wasn’t her husband, so her husband got drunk and started punching everyone in the bar — including Caroline Hergenrother, his wife, accidentally! Caroline Hergenrother, YOU SO CRAZY CAROLINE. Check out her annoying website with the talking hobbit version of herself. [PolitickerOH]

Last night observers watched the sky in horror as an alien spacecraft infiltrated the Obama Hope Arena’s 17 security layers and bobbed menacingly over the crowd. What was this awful thing, and what did it want to do to Our Barry? One word: probes. Creepy world exclusive footage after the jump. MORE »

Just when you think the Department of Defense is too busy with actually physically bombing things to worry about nutty mind-control schemes or mosquito assassins, they come out with another freaky report that gives a dark and terrifying glimpse into a future of warfare featuring insanity-inducing drugs, brain-scanning, and “distributed human-machine systems.” In other words, just a day in the life of Cindy McCain, wife of the world’s oldest cyborg… MORE »

Wonkette omen operative “Jacklyn” sends us this photo and writes, “Does anyone know what these paintings are or why they are there? They are painted on streets all around the Mall… 3rd, 4th, and 7th, Streets NW at least.” We have no clue but are willing to conjecture: In ten days, a race of oversized, porous ribbed condoms from Outer Space will destroy this city and rebuild it as five-star day spa. Any other theories?

Just in time for the November coup by poorly-aging gimp-DILF John McCain, the free states of America are planning to unman our households and militias. Now that Charlton Heston is safely packed in his coffin with a dozen darling rifles, 38 states want to take away our sidearms—those wonderful death-sticks that have for years consoled our bitterness regarding our poverty. (Me, I take my gun to church. Next they will take our nativity scenes and our child brides. Later flesh-coated robots will come and intercourse with our children in the public-private schools.) This initiative is led on numerous fronts: Tiny wonderful oligarch Jew Michael Bloomberg in New York is bullying all of America’s wuss-mayors; and also the extremely liberal Supreme Court is, in D.C. v. Heller, quite possibly planning on taking guns away from D.C. residents, which is exactly where America needs its guns most. You see the larger picture here: we will be defenseless against the bolt-necked army of Cindy McCains. [New York Times]

Robot slaves may be the foot soldiers in John McCain’s thousand-year surge, if expert predictions prove true. Scientists in the field of artificial intelligence see a time in the not-so-distant future when robots will be able to kill on command without any human intervention. This intriguing development could leave the United States to wage robot wars across the planet with other countries’ robots, making war into a sort of healthy and ultimately deathless exercise, except for the robot slaves who will perish horribly in flames. Scientific proof after the jump. MORE »

We were horrified to see Fox News referring to athlete John Ruf as “Robo ‘Crusher’” until we realized the photo was actually an illustration of last night’s Democratic debate. Thanks to reader Eric for sharing.

Aww, the Iowa professorbot just has a crush on Bill and doesn’t know how to express himself! Damn you Bill with your teasing. He might be a robot, but robots like to fuck sometimes too. [MSNBC]

Former president Clinton was campaigning for that wife of his in Iowa yesterday when a cyborg from the planet Universityofiowa heckled him. Clearly Tom Tancredo has been targeting the wrong kind of illegals. MORE »

South Korea’s Commerce Ministry, obviously awash in tax revenues, announced yesterday its intention to build not one but two robot theme parks. The plan to allow people to “interact with robots and test new products,” and, presumably, to allow the threat of a vast robot army to scare the crap out of Kim Jong Il. This is how it starts, people. You’ve been warned. [Yahoo News]