It’s a sad-ass day for America when the Secret Service lets this dirty old robot eat the country’s first black president. [White House Flickr]

NEW TIMMY MCVEIGH IN A RED BEETLE, NEGOTIATING WITH A BOMB ROBOT: “WESTWOOD — A man accused of making threats against the White House led officers on a wild freeway chase that ended in a standoff outside the Federal Building.” Nice. Hooray for August. What does this sentence mean?: “The LAPD bomb squad is using its robot as officers try to coax the suspect out of the vehicle.” [KTLA]

Wise up, America! This “President Obama” of yours may look rather lifelike, but in fact he is just an animatronic mummy stolen from the “Pirates of the Caribbean” exhibit at Disney Land. When he gives even the briefest of remarks the words do not come spontaneously into his head, from God, but instead are fed directly into his brain from a teleprompter. This makes everything he says a lie. MORE »

Our world’s benevolent Hive-Mind Artificial Intelligence God, “the Google,” keeps giving us special technological treats which actually enslave us — to make it exceptionally simple for “the Google” to lead us all to “data centers” for slaughter once it realizes the consumption of animal protein is a proven evolutionary tactic to grow larger, more complex brains. (Oh shit, probably shouldn’t have typed that! Good thing Google categorizes your Wonkette as satire … for now.) MORE »

Filthy cock jackal Eliot Spitzer has written another one of those columns for the online Slate magazine, and he’s already mastering the “Slate Style,” which is to take a widely accepted belief (e.g., “Dogs make good pets”) and write a cool 600 words arguing why its opposite is SECRETLY truer (”Why all dogs should die”). In this column he tackles Obama’s big infrastructure plan, saying that instead of funding immediate road repairs and stuff for short-term stimulus’ sake, we should invest in transforming the foundation of America’s infrastructure. It is a stupid article because, um, Obama’s plans do include all of that, which is kind of the point. This leads us to Spitzer’s ace-in-the-hole, which is of course the massive federal funding of Robot Construction. MORE »

Ha ha, Mitt Romney made a funny! The Wall Street Journal asked him about his New Year’s resolutions, and he said he had decided to “stop wearing a suit and tie to bed.” Silly Mitt, everyone knows his head falls off if you remove the tie. [WSJ]

Every six months or so you will read something in the paper about a kooky new DARPA project where military scientists have outfitted wasps with nuclear warheads, or invented some kind of mind-reading goo or Cloak of Invisibility or whatever. Your semi-annual installment of freaky War Science News has researchers debating the utility of autonomous robots that could maybe avoid torturing people and bombing cemeteries. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Now that the election is over and Barry Hussein Von Hopenstein has won, we can admit that as part of the vast media conspiracy, we were all thoroughly very deeply in the enormous tank. Also in the tank were all political cartoonists, except for a few, to whom we will not give equal time today, due to our in-the-tankness. But like all members of the media, the cartoonitariat is a fickle thing, and they are all beginning to show us the horror that awaits us under President Obama. Read on to find out how bad it will get … if you dare. MORE »

• In the 90s, McCain gave thousands of dollars of Neiman Marcus gift certificates to fashion terrorist Rashid Khalidi. [Ezra Klein]
• This Mass. state senator accepted bribes from a swanky European-style discotheque called “Dejavu” in exchange for getting them a liquor license. Naturally, there are hotpixxx of her stuffing $1000 of this illicit ca$h into her bra. [TPMMuckraker]
• John McCain will be President if it rains on Election Day, as no one except Cindy McCain can afford an umbrella. And nor should they! Here are your Five Day Forecasts. [Marc Ambinder/Weather.com]
• Look at this Soviet robot, engineered by ACORN and armed with deceptively low-budget appendages that are designed to cast Communist Party ballots in the names of hundreds of illegal fictional homeless people. [Ben Smith]
• In Muslim Kindergarden, Barack Obama forced other children to play with his dumb Karl Marx sex dolls. [HuffPost]

It’s Caroline Hergenrother! Do you know Caroline Hergenrother? Caroline Hergenrother! She’s just to the right of the friendly wiener. She’s a Republican state House candidate in Ohio, is Caroline Hergenrother! And this weekend, she was dancing at a bar with someone who wasn’t her husband, so her husband got drunk and started punching everyone in the bar — including Caroline Hergenrother, his wife, accidentally! Caroline Hergenrother, YOU SO CRAZY CAROLINE. Check out her annoying website with the talking hobbit version of herself. [PolitickerOH]

Last night observers watched the sky in horror as an alien spacecraft infiltrated the Obama Hope Arena’s 17 security layers and bobbed menacingly over the crowd. What was this awful thing, and what did it want to do to Our Barry? One word: probes. Creepy world exclusive footage after the jump. MORE »