Tag Archives: robots

  what if?

What If MORE Republicans Were Replaced By Robots?

We sure got a kick last week out of Timothy Ray Murray, the totally reasonable Oklahoma Republican whose primary opponent, dastardly Frank Lucas, stole the election by dying and cleverly having himself replaced by an android. That’s a new one! Actually, no, that’s not really a new one, as anybody who has read Philip K. Dick knows. GOP simulacra? Heck, I’ve been writing about the labor-saving, Disneytronic Condibot for years! “We know that it is possible to use look alike artificial or manmade replacements,” Murray calmly avers on his OUTSTANDING website, “however Rep. Lucas was not eligible to serve as a Congressional Member after that time.” But Mr. Murray! There’s nothing in The Constitution™ that says that! If the android were thirty and “born” in the USA, heck, the sky’s the limit! And so what if Rep. Frank Lucas is a replicant? Club for Growth and the Koch Brothers are probably meeting as we speak: “We can make them faster, stronger… gaffe-proof!” Sounding better and better guys, amiright? But would it really be an advantage? I’m thinking there would be ups and downs (controlled by pneumatic servos). Join me after the jump to explore this important topic! Read more on What If MORE Republicans Were Replaced By Robots?…
  no more beeping heart liberals

Oklahoma Hu-Man Loses GOP Primary To Android Or Replicant Or Lizard Person (Unclear)

So apparently this is just Weird Candidate day at Yr. Wonkette (OK, maybe every day is that). In addition to our recovering public-wanking addict in Michigan, we also are delighted to bring you this important news about Mr. Timothy Ray Murray, a Republican candidate for the Oklahoma House: Unlike the other guy, he is very definitely NOT a robot, an android, a replicant, or a cyborg. He is 100% positronic about that! On his campaign homepage, Murray makes it very clear that he is “a human, born in Oklahoma,” and that he will never use a look alike to replace my (The Office’s) message to you or to anyone else, as both the other Republican Challengers have. Read more on Oklahoma Hu-Man Loses GOP Primary To Android Or Replicant Or Lizard Person (Unclear)…
  uncanny valley of the dolls

New Japanese Robot Ladies Still Fall Short Of Anime Fantasy, May Nonetheless Kill Us All

Fans of the Uncanny Valley will be delighted to know that roboticists in Japan have taken another giant leap toward creeping us right the fuck out, with two new female-appearing androids that will be interacting with guests at the National Museum of Emerging Science and Innovation in Tokyo. They look pretty darn lifelike in still photos, and considerably less so in video. The goal for these bots is to simulate some human movements smoothly, especially facial expressions; hand and arm movements still look considerably more machine-driven. For now, hu-mons. For now. Read more on New Japanese Robot Ladies Still Fall Short Of Anime Fantasy, May Nonetheless Kill Us All…
  clipbait

Watch Stephen Hawking Vaporize John Oliver With Science, Death Robots (Video)

We don’t usually use interviews for the ol’ clipbait, but this one-on-one with John Oliver and Stephen Hawking is not to be missed. It’s part of a new series on Oliver’s Last Week Tonight called “Great Minds: People Who Think Good,” and it confirms what fans of The Simpsons have long known: Stephen Hawking is pretty fly for a bright guy. Read more on Watch Stephen Hawking Vaporize John Oliver With Science, Death Robots (Video)…
  clipbait

Stephen Colbert: Can We Stop The Black Lesbian Robot Apocalypse? Probably Not! (Video)

Well, humanity, it was a nice ride, but it’s over. Stephen Colbert brings us news of the end — a computer program has finally beaten the Turing test — maybe — fooling a third of human questioners into thinking it was a 13-year-old boy. “Which makes sense if you think about it. Like a teenage boy, a computer sleeps a lot and spends all day on the internet.” But that’s not the scariest news Colbert found. Read more on Stephen Colbert: Can We Stop The Black Lesbian Robot Apocalypse? Probably Not! (Video)…
  taylor kitsch fan-fic

Mitt Romney Explains ‘Fictional Football Team Show’ Friday Night Lights To Hu-Mans

Well, we thought this story from Politico was another of their hilarious Roger Simonesque fan-fics (like the time, unlinkable for now, when he had literally everyone but your Wonket believing Paul Ryan calls Miffed Romney “Stench”). But no! As far as we can tell it is not a joke! Behold, Mitt Romney explaining a fictional football team show! Read more on Mitt Romney Explains ‘Fictional Football Team Show’ Friday Night Lights To Hu-Mans…
  do androids dream of gay electric sheep?

Homophobic Jewish-Christian Robots Attacking Fellow Robot Mitt Romney

As the excitement (?) of Super Tuesday grips the nation the way a priest grips a young boy’s scrotum, Rick Santorum’s college fund for his dozens of children is paying for an onslaught of angry religious-fanatic robo-calls against Mitt Romney, himself a robot. And this makes sense, at least the part about Rick Santorum pissing away his kids’ education money, because Santorum has realized that college is an evil socialist atheist government thing. (He just realized this after spending his entire life in schools, colleges and government work.) Anyway, these robots who self-identify as homosexual-hating Jews and Christians are calling every phone in Ohio! They want the people to know Mitt Romney is the main supporter of Gay Rights. Read more on Homophobic Jewish-Christian Robots Attacking Fellow Robot Mitt Romney…
  robot cpacalypse

Look, It’s Mitt Romney In His True Robot Form

Here, via Operative/”Wonkette Guy” Garrett Quinn, is a photo of Mitt Romney after taking off all of his clothes and human skin. “TICKETS, TICKETS” he was demanding like a lunatic. No one knew what he was talking about. Mitt, get your clothes back on! “FISH HEADS, FISH HEADS, FEED MY SKULL FISH HEADS,” he then went on, before his handlers tackled him and dragged him back to the Lab for a fundraiser with other Ticket Robots. Read more on Look, It’s Mitt Romney In His True Robot Form…
  begun these clone wars have

Rand Paul Robot Caught By Brave TSA Body Scanner

Top honors will be given to a brave TSA Body Scanner machine at the Nashville airport for apprehending a sinister Dalek robot-monster that was impersonating Senator Rand Paul. The cylon version of Rand Paul triggered the radioactive Body Scanner because of some miniscule fabrication error in the android’s knee joints — the scanner apparently had not been programmed to recognize extraterrestrial polymers, which very well may have saved human civilization today. The otherwise uncannily disheveled replicant of Rand Paul began a commotion using several prerecorded Rand Paul soundbites about “liberty” and “fascism” and “health care,” but the Body Scanner identified the ruse because it has access to the Trilateral Commission’s complete Earth information database — including all of Rand Paul’s numbskull speeches and C-SPAN rants. Read more on Rand Paul Robot Caught By Brave TSA Body Scanner…
  mathemagics strikes again!

Romney Claims He Created 100,000 Jobs, Forgets To Carry the Negative

Bad news for Mitt Romney, again, as always: Now that his only real competition is a charm coffin like Rick Santorum, the press has no other choice but to pay attention to Romney’s actual, boring campaign. THAT IS SOOOO UNFAIR! Especially because the only way Romney’s campaign can back up his job creation record — Mitt’s only possible cudgel against Obama’s record — is by using imaginary numbers gleaned by looking into a hat full of “seer stones.” Read more on Romney Claims He Created 100,000 Jobs, Forgets To Carry the Negative…
  it gets better

Homophobic Anti-Robot Bachmann Thugs Bully Gay Iowa Robot

It was another day of thuggery on the Iowa campaign trail as Michele Bachmann’s remaining followers mercilessly booed and taunted a sad gay robot. The pudgy homosexual android just wanted to make a case for itself, but the slob wingnuts just chanted BOOOOO because that’s how they “cure homosexuality.” Speaking of pudgy gay robots, has anyone seen Marcus Bachmann lately? Read more on Homophobic Anti-Robot Bachmann Thugs Bully Gay Iowa Robot…
  freedom isn't free!

U.S. Military As Good At Fraud As It Is Killing Random Brown People

Every single day of the last miserable decade, the U.S. Military has pissed away more than $16 million in fraudulent contracts in Afghanistan and Iraq. That’s $60 billion thrown away on wasteful handouts to Pentagon contractors during the wonderful War On Terror — $60 billion thrown away without even killing random goat farmers who committed “terror” by being born in an impoverished country that happened to be a good, out-of-the-way place to test robot death planes around the clock. And these numbers come not from some external objective accounting project, but from the U.S. government itself. So, the numbers are obviously lies, and are probably off by several hundred billion dollars. Let’s cut Social Security benefits from a program that’s fully funded from people’s paychecks, because “entitlements” are bankrupting the country! Read more on U.S. Military As Good At Fraud As It Is Killing Random Brown People…
  another star trek guy in a red shirt

Random Muslim Becomes Millionth ‘Al Qaeda No. 2′ After Robot Kills Him

Anything besides hurricane news today? Yes! The Pentagon or the CIA or whatever corporation runs the robot death drone planes that constantly rain bombs on brown people throughout the world just announced that about a week ago, one of those robot death drone planes dropped a couple of million-dollar bombs somewhere and one of those bombs blew up a random Muslim or Arab (both?) somewhere, and this guy … let’s see, “Atiyah Abd al-Rahman,” yep he turned out to be the latest “Number Two Al Qaeda,” perhaps the Assistant Chief Financial Officer or whatever, on August 22, when he was apparently killed. Read more on Random Muslim Becomes Millionth ‘Al Qaeda No. 2′ After Robot Kills Him…
  crazy batshit nonsense

Michele Bachmann Reveals Strange Disability to Bill O’Reilly

Iowan princess Michele Bachmann will not rest until she has run out of insane speech explosions to perform in front of a camera. Here she is, possibly wearing glitter eye makeup, getting mildly yelled at by Bill O’Reilly, because even he can’t stand her. You probably want to watch as little of this as possible, so you should just tune in around 1:33 or so to hear Michele Bachmann beg fans of The O’Reilly Factor to go to her website to learn about her “titanium spine” disability. Michele Bachmann is about to secure the robot-human crossbreed vote. Read more on Michele Bachmann Reveals Strange Disability to Bill O’Reilly…
  war forever

Wisconsin Becomes Orgy of Chaos As Recall Elections Begin

The forces of good and evil resume their bilious clouded swirl over the state of Wisconsin today as primary voters go to cast votes in the state’s recall elections against six of Scott Walker’s senate puppets, and it is already just an orgy of dead fetuses and robots. Robocalls possibly from Wisconsin “Right to Life” are reportedly going out to voters telling them to stay home or to vote for fake candidates. We say “fake candidates” because Wisconsin allows open primaries, which means the Republicans are trying to confuse the electoral process by running fake drone candidates against Democratic candidates. So pay attention, Wisconsin voters, and don’t pick the one with pupils that won’t close and the Koch Industries logo tattooed on the back of the head.   Read more on Wisconsin Becomes Orgy of Chaos As Recall Elections Begin…
  robots running everything

From France, Obama Forces His Robot To Sign Patriot Act Renewal

Republicans and Democrats came together to oppose the renewal of the Patriot Act — which lets the government do literally whatever it wants to anyone, anywhere — and then other Republicans and Democrats came together in bigger numbers to approve the renewal of the Patriot Act. So if you were planning on doing anything vaguely terrorist-y like talking on the phone or using public transportation, rest assured that you are still under surveillance. But the interesting part of this story is that President Obama couldn’t sign the bill because he is in France, having a very lovely vacation. Couldn’t Joe Biden sign off? Apparently not! Plus, he is super busy returning Obama’s calls. So Barack Obama ordered his handwriting robot to sign the bill into law, and that’s apparently okey-dokey with the Constitution. A robot! Let’s hope it was at least assembled in the USA. Read more on From France, Obama Forces His Robot To Sign Patriot Act Renewal…
  laugh it up ken jennings

Don’t Go To College; All Those ‘Good’ Jobs Are Being Taken By Robots Too

If you went to high school in the past ten years, you may have seen an Ad Council poster hung somewhere that said you will make millions of more dollars over your lifetime if you earn a college degree than if you merely finish high school. Never mind that the same federal government that printed those posters won’t provide you this four years of extra education it seems to find so crucial; in fact, it would be happy to help you go tens of thousands of dollars in debt you will never be able to pay off. But this burgeoning wage cushion the college-educated once enjoyed no longer exists. And soon there will no longer be nearly any magical middle-class “knowledge economy” jobs for college graduates, because robots are coming to take those too. And it turns out the robots are even better at that than they were at manufacturing! Read more on Don’t Go To College; All Those ‘Good’ Jobs Are Being Taken By Robots Too…
  'alex trebek sucks'

Wonkbot Will Take Its Terror To TeeVee’s Jeopardy

Big news on the technology front: A computer or some kind of Roomba or who knows is going to fight humans on teevee’s JEOPARDY! All of America can finally get back to the business of America, because using a strange kind of 1980s computer technology, people and robots will finally battle while that theme music plays. If this keeps up, we’ll have health care reform repealed (by the House only) in no time! Read more on Wonkbot Will Take Its Terror To TeeVee’s Jeopardy…
  emotional weather report

Wonkbot Threat Level: Snowy, Fearful

It’s a good thing America “calmed down” after the weekend massacres! Now we can get back to worrying about snow, dead animals everywhere, exploding BMWs around the Pentagon/CIA, flooding in Australia, and more massacres. The Terror Threat Alert Level is “super dooper high” and our guest presenter “The Snooki” was going to illustrate this with syphilis but instead we drew survey marks on her head and sent her to get a GED. Who wins? America wins! Also the Wonkbot has finally thrown out your teevee with all its vulgar garbage inside. Read more on Wonkbot Threat Level: Snowy, Fearful…
  tgif tsa-1138

TGIF: Terror Threat Level So Frickin’ High Tonight, It Thinks It’s God Now

You know how you know when a constant terror threat level alert is working? When people actually go so crazy that they start sending packages that “ignite and smoke” to the head of the Homeland Security Safety Mall Corporation. This is really going on! People in Maryland are sending smoke bombs addressed to Janet Napolitano because of those highway signs that tell drivers to report anybody doing anything suspicious, such as not eating sixteen tacos while driving to another fast food franchise. Read more on TGIF: Terror Threat Level So Frickin’ High Tonight, It Thinks It’s God Now…
  it's morning in america

Famous Homo Meth Pastor Ted Haggard Will Star In TeeVee Special

Praise Geezus, TLC found another meth-fueled megalomaniac desperate for reality teevee fame: Ted Haggard! America’s most favorite megachurch megahypocrite will star in his very own teevee special, “Ted Haggard’s Alaska,” which will feature scenes of Ted Haggard preaching to hobos at his new barn church in Colorado Springs. Yes, Haggard is back, and he’s spreadin’ the word of the Lord — but certainly not his ass cheeks! He doesn’t do that kind of stuff anymore. This is what Ted Haggard told a newspaper: “Tiger Woods needs to golf. Michael Vick needs to be playing football. Ted Haggard needs to be leading a church.” And also, Ted Haggard needs to be leading more men into his motel room, for anal meth pleasure. [TPM] Read more on Famous Homo Meth Pastor Ted Haggard Will Star In TeeVee Special… Read more on Famous Homo Meth Pastor Ted Haggard Will Star In TeeVee Special…