Tag Archives: robocalls

  do androids dream of gay electric sheep?

Homophobic Jewish-Christian Robots Attacking Fellow Robot Mitt Romney

As the excitement (?) of Super Tuesday grips the nation the way a priest grips a young boy’s scrotum, Rick Santorum’s college fund for his dozens of children is paying for an onslaught of angry religious-fanatic robo-calls against Mitt Romney, himself a robot. And this makes sense, at least the part about Rick Santorum pissing away his kids’ education money, because Santorum has realized that college is an evil socialist atheist government thing. (He just realized this after spending his entire life in schools, colleges and government work.) Anyway, these robots who self-identify as homosexual-hating Jews and Christians are calling every phone in Ohio! They want the people to know Mitt Romney is the main supporter of Gay Rights. Read more on Homophobic Jewish-Christian Robots Attacking Fellow Robot Mitt Romney…
  public service announcements

Congress Proposes To Legalize Robot Drone Assaults On Cell Phone Users

Congress seems to feel that the record number 82% of Americans who hate their guts is still Not Enough, so the House is proposing a sneaky little update to the ancient Communications Act of 1934 that would finally allow the Satanic cavalcade of political campaigns and action committees to launch their ritual election season ear-rape attacks on millions of mobile phone users with incessant demands for cash/help/sex. Currently the wicked lizard political solicitors are still limited to robo-calling the dwindling reserves of American land line numbers that sane people long ago abandoned specifically to avoid this kind of annoying bullshit. But not for long! Read more on Congress Proposes To Legalize Robot Drone Assaults On Cell Phone Users…
  revenge of the roboharassed

Florida Spams Annoying Twit Rick Scott’s Office With Robocall Payback

Perennially unpopular Florida governor Rick Scott’s doomed attempts at constituent relations mostly consist of harassing robocalls filled with Rick Scott’s whimpering voice being piped across Florida telephone lines into millions of unwilling eardrums like some incurable mutant Ebola virus of audio assault infecting everyone’s dinner time. WELL GUESS WHAT? Florida can play that game, too, Rick! The website Pink Slip Rick is offering annoyed voters the chance to record their own 60-second messages for Rick Scott, which they began sending to the governor’s office on Monday. What does Florida have to tell Rick Scott? Read more on Florida Spams Annoying Twit Rick Scott’s Office With Robocall Payback…
  time management skillz

Rick Scott Busy Sexing Floridians With Robocalls And Ethics Violations

Oh, don’t we just love to pick on hairless dingus Rick Scott, because he is officially America’s most disliked governor, his constituents are constantly suing him for passing laws no one likes, he’s kind of “eh” about keeping track of his filings to the Ethics Commission, and he’s using state money to sexually harass Florida ears with creepy unsolicited robocalls talking about his accomplishments. That is sort of an “accomplishment” we guess, inventing the most annoying way on Earth of trying to reach constituents: calling them at home during dinner to deliver a taped lecture about all the laws he is passing to make their lives worse. Read more on Rick Scott Busy Sexing Floridians With Robocalls And Ethics Violations…
  war forever

Wisconsin Becomes Orgy of Chaos As Recall Elections Begin

The forces of good and evil resume their bilious clouded swirl over the state of Wisconsin today as primary voters go to cast votes in the state’s recall elections against six of Scott Walker’s senate puppets, and it is already just an orgy of dead fetuses and robots. Robocalls possibly from Wisconsin “Right to Life” are reportedly going out to voters telling them to stay home or to vote for fake candidates. We say “fake candidates” because Wisconsin allows open primaries, which means the Republicans are trying to confuse the electoral process by running fake drone candidates against Democratic candidates. So pay attention, Wisconsin voters, and don’t pick the one with pupils that won’t close and the Koch Industries logo tattooed on the back of the head.   Read more on Wisconsin Becomes Orgy of Chaos As Recall Elections Begin…
  robo rudeness

Sandra Day O’Connor Robot Drunk Dials Nevada Voters All Night Long

It’s 1 a.m., and you are in Nevada (why are you in Nevada?). Anyway: You are drinking grain alcohol in bed, because that is the best way to wind down after a long day of being unemployed/cursing Harry Reid. You begin to mumble again about how “Washington and Harry Reid are broken,” but then the phone rings! You don’t even bother picking up, because you know who it is: It’s that goddamned Sandra Day O’Connor, always calling at odd hours and telling you how she feels about some lame ballot initiative. Ugh. Why doesn’t she just go to bed? Because these constant phone calls are actually from a Sandra Day O’Connor Robot, and robots never sleep. But also someone screwed up the robocall schedule! Read more on Sandra Day O’Connor Robot Drunk Dials Nevada Voters All Night Long…
  robocalls in the news

Christine O’Donnell ‘a Complete Fraud,’ Says Phone-Robot

So we were just catching up with the Primary Night news at the Politico (we know, we know), and there’s this big picture of Christine O’Donnell at the top of the page with the headline “Ex-aide: Christine O’Donnell a ‘complete fraud,'” which is funny enough, but then we suddenly realized we’d never seen the perennial losing-candidate with this combination of local news anchor hair-helmet, “sexy librarian” glasses and the ’80s shoulder-pad primary-color blazer. It sort of reminds us of someone else. Read more on Christine O’Donnell ‘a Complete Fraud,’ Says Phone-Robot…
  phone-y messages

Palin Using Her ‘Grizzly Phone’ Too Much

Another Tuesday means another round of primary elections for feminist trailblazer Sarah Palin and her grizzly moms: the lady Republicans who love what Palin loves, like guns and power and Sarah Palin. Mama Palin’s been helping her grrrls by making fancy robocalls on their behalf, but some people are saying these calls might be illegal! Why are “they” are trying to “knock” the grizzlies down? Read more on Palin Using Her ‘Grizzly Phone’ Too Much…
  that's one possible attack

Rick Santorum, The Devil’s Abortionist

In Iowa, some marblemouth gal is calling up folks and telling them to ask Rick Santorum “to apologize for his long-time support of radical pro-abortion politicians!” Huh? Oh, just Christine Todd Whitman and Arlen Specter, like 10 years ago, when they were really powerful Republicans. Jesus. Iowa in 2012 will not be like Iowa in 2008. (MORE CORN THEN.) [Salon War Room] Read more on Rick Santorum, The Devil’s Abortionist…
  2009 election eve

Palin Campaigns For McDonnell In Secret Roguish Manner, McDonnell Terrified

See what’s going on above? That would be Bob McDonnell crushing the dickens out of Creigh Deeds, in Virginia. Fine, go ahead, win tomorrow, anything to get these dreadful four-per-commercial-break ads (“I will fix the roads” “No I will fix the roads” “You hate women” “I will fix the women and roads,” etc. ) off the air. And how has McDonnell built up such a lead? By not accepting any of Sarah Palin’s offers to campaign with him, for one! This will not stop egomaniacal Sarah Palin from secretly campaigning for McDonnell through a third party, however. Just Sarah bein’ Sarah! Read more on Palin Campaigns For McDonnell In Secret Roguish Manner, McDonnell Terrified…
  telemarketers

COMMENCE ‘CRYPTIC PHONE DRIVE-BYS IN HIPPIE COMMUNES’ PHASE OF TEABAGGING REVOLUTION: Left-wing communist and likely herbivore “CB” writes: “I know this is only a minor event, especially because I’m sure millions of people got this phone call. But I need to vent. Yesterday I got a call, and a friendly male voice recording informed me about the ‘Teabag Movement’ going on an advised me to ‘Please take note.’ Thanks to wonderful Wonkette, I am fully informed about this lame-ass ‘movement.’ I’m in Berkeley, for f…s sake. What are they thinking?” Hmm. Must be the teabagger perv-bot’s fetish. Like in that movie where Philip Seymour Hoffman’s character calls random ladies in the phone book and shouts nonsense while violently masturbating. Read more on …
  heroes

Indiana Telemarketers Walk Off Job Rather Than Read Anti-Obama Script

Indiana has this quaint law: Robot lie calls, or “robocalls,” are illegal. So campaigns hire whole telemarketing staffs to call people and read a bunch of incendiary bullshit to people dumb enough to answer the phone when they don’t recognize the Caller ID. There are few jobs as soul-killing as telemarketing, and people could be forgiven if they just went along with it — not like there’s any other work out there. Read more on Indiana Telemarketers Walk Off Job Rather Than Read Anti-Obama Script…
  america's rat

Hey Hey, Listen To Rudy Giuliani’s Dumb Robocall

Robocalls, everyone’s talking about ’em, these devilish angerbots that keep calling swing state voters and saying mean things about candidates. This one made us laugh out loud for the sole reason that it’s from Rudy Giuliani, and he says, among other things: “You need to know that Barack Obama opposes mandatory prison sentences for sex offenders, drug dealers and murderers. It’s true, I read Barack Obama’s words myself.” Since when can Rudy Giuluani read words? Ha ha, GOOD GOD. Can you imagine answering your phone only to hear this failed stupid fucking idiot say crap about anyone, based on what he “read himself”? Stop spitting on us, phone. [Jonathan Martin] Read more on Hey Hey, Listen To Rudy Giuliani’s Dumb Robocall…