Wonkette

A week ago today, we bitterly presented the World’s Worst Wonk’d. The “D.C. celebrity sightings” consisted of George Will buying another fucking book at Borders, and a fireman who had once been on local teevee. We demanded that you people get it together, and you got it together! Huzzah for Wonkette Operatives! This week, Fred Thompson, Robert Mueller, Tom Ridge, Juan Williams, Marion Barry, Ben Bernanke, Ken Mehlman, Robert Novak, Dana Milbank, Mark Warner, and David Frum were all spotted being various degrees of famous at various places by our spies and operatives. The most voyeuristic fun ever in Wonkette’s Five Long Years of History, after the jump. MORE »

Above: Robert Mueller’s notes on his meeting with the President following the dramatic Gonzales visit to Attorney General John Ashcroft, delirious and sick in his hospital bed. Not since the C.I.A. revealed the mythical ‘family jewels’ have we been so thrilled by a declassified intelligence document! We can only imagine what it might say under all the redactions! Probably “fuck fuck fuck cock cock vagina.” Or maybe “The President and I had a nice laugh about our blatantly illegal warrantless wiretapping program and how no one would ever know or impeach us or anything. Then we made out.”

A DC Scene Fades to Black [The Lede]

• Bush nominates Henry Paulson, chairman of Goldman Sachs Group, to replace John Snow at the Treasury Department; White House sought Paulson for months. [WP, W$J, USAT, LAT]
• White House acknowledges that Bush withheld the news at his press conference last week; Paulson’s net worth is estimated to be more than $700M. [NYT, NYT]
• Paulson is described as “the kind of guy who thrives in a crisis” and “a committed environmentalist and bird watcher.” [WP, NYT, LAT]
• Justice Department claims Rep. William Jefferson (D-La.) tried to hide documents from the FBI. [WP, LAT]
• Former chief of staff to Rep. Bob Ney (R-Ohio) testifies that Abramoff “identified his ‘champions’ in government and then showered them with favors to get inside information and help for his clients.” [WP, NYT]
• Democrats are slow to provide a specific party platform; “this cautious strategy is generating intensifying debate within the party.” [LAT]

MORE »

Under the Dome: SNL’s Rachel Dratch is invited to fill in for Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-Ohio) at a primary debate. . . Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) says HBO’s “Big Love” is “just plain trash”. . . Frank Luntz: “Every time I see the Republicans on TV immediately I get a migraine headache. I’m allergic to Republican language.”. . . Peter Gabriel visits Capitol Hill today to advocate against human-rights abuses in Burma. [The Hill]
Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Andrew Card, Alberto Gonzales, Robert Mueller and Joe Albaugh have a less-than inconspicuous dinner out. [NYDN]