Wonkette

What the hell’s wrong with Bob Gates, the Defense Secretary no one ever talks about? Recently he’s been running his yap with all sorts of liberal Democrat treasonspeak — just like Barack Obama, a known member of Hamas and Hezbollah and the Weather Underground. Apparently he *doesn’t* want to bomb Iran or Syria, or even France! Not only that, he says it’s counterproductive to even consider bombing these countries that need to be bombed. MORE »

Did you really think they’d shut the Guantánamo Bay prison down? You’re so sweet. Bob Gates kinda did, too, only then he got that job as Defense Secretary and found out that the wheels of “justice” turn slower than an elderly gerbil on a really, really heavy wheel.

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Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! Last week was all about Condi’s big Carnival o’ Peace™ in Annapolis. Yes! That was only a few days ago! Not much happened, but that didn’t stop people from writing about it. Plus: more excerpts from Elizabeth Bumiller’s Condiography which is maybe going to be serialized in Maureen Dowd’s column. And, finally, it was Mean Caricature Week! After the jump, we’ll relive the Condiweek that was.

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As has happened so many times throughout history, a powerful military force has decided to act on its own, ignoring the feeble government supposedly in charge of its troops — and this time, that weak, rotten power is Washington! The Marines are planning to leave Iraq, the New York Times reported today, but they haven’t bothered to tell the American government and its ostensible boss of the military, placeholder Secretary of Defense Robert “I wish I was back at Texas A&M” Gates. MORE »

You may have heard that Bush made a *OMG SURPRISE!* trip to Iraq yesterday with his BFF, Condi, and his tiny (yet perfectly-formed) defense secretary Robert Gates. Or did they? Even the Washington Times seemed puzzled this morning, wondering, How’d they do that? Maybe they didn’t! See the peculiarly unconvincing AP photos after the jump…

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Our best friends the Saudis are doing us yet another solid — such bros they are! They might, maybe, if they feel like it, upgrade diplomatic relations with that little experiment we’re running over in Iraq. They still don’t really trust Nouri al-Maliki’s Shia government (who does!), and they think he’s kind of a pawn of Iran (who isn’t!) but hey, maybe they’ll open an embassy. You know, eventually. MORE »

* News anchors and Harry Potter authors supposedly make for tasty terror targets for terrorists with nothing better to blow up. [Passport]
* Robert Byrd’s double life as an animal cruelty Batman-esque vigilante. [Fresh Intelligence]
* American authorities are shocked, shocked, to find our hardware falling into the hands of the evildoers. [Iraq Slogger]
* Grandstanding as a boon for incompetence. [Capitol Hill Blue]
* Defense Secretary Gates is all like, “Oh, Hillary Clinton? Nah, she hates Arabs just as much as the rest of us.” [Election Central]
* American hostages in Iran need to be freed, except the dude who works for George Soros. Cut that guy’s fucking head off. [RedState]
* Well well well, looks like someone just got back from charm school where they who learned how to feign empathy. [IMAO]
* TNR said something controversial so that means they may have made it up. No better way to get at the truth than to ask a bunch of bloggers what they think. [LGF]

* Number of hours President Bush spent in Colombia: 7. Number of troops assigned to protect him: 20,000. Impact on drug trade: worthless. [NYT]
* Barack Obama floats like a butterfly, Hillary Clinton is a “b.” [WP]
* Robert Gates makes the big decisions at the Pentagon by asking himself, “what would Donald Rumsfeld do?” Then he does the opposite. [NYT]
* Military decides now is a good time to figure out what to do if the “surge” doesn’t turn Iraq back into the garden of Eden after all. [LAT]
* Nancy Pelosi tries calling Captain Planet, gets Jim Sensenbrenner instead. [WP]
* Fred Thompson hikes his skirt up and sticks his thumb out to catch a ride to the Vice Presidential manse. [WP]
* February 5, 2008: the day the Walnuts Express goes quiet. [NYT]
* Be short. Army short. [USAT]

* Witness the giant cow balls of Pete Domenici, who uses the Justice Department for political mud-slinging and is happy to admit it. [WP, NYT]
* The “new” Iraq strategy - why worry? [WP]
* Barry Hussein and H Dot Clinton keep their eyes on the prize. [WP, NYT]
* Calling secretary of veterans affairs Jim Nicholson a partisan hack causes, “a calmness to come over him.” [NYT]
* Robert Gates isn’t Donald Rumsfeld, and that’s half the battle. [WP]
* John Ashcroft won’t shut his whorish mouth about the satellite radio merger. [WSJ]
* Ah, the ’70s: an age when Vice Presidential candidates with diagnosed mental illness were actually discouraged from running. [NYT]

* House floor debate on Iraq resolution to reward fans of awkward, cartoony visual aids. [WP]
* Proposal for new Supreme Court TV channel to reward fans of awkward, cartoony justices. [WP]
* Barack Obama speechifies Iowa. [WP, WSJ]
* Hillary Clinton speechifies New Hampshire. [WP]
* Robert Gates sweet-talks Vladimir Putin. [NYT]
* Weapons used against American forces in Iraq are not all Iranian, just the really nice ones. [WP, LAT]
* Talkin’ ’bout Dick Cheney and the Libby Trial. [NYT, NYT]
* Grammy Awards feature political undertones, poppy goodness. [LAT]

* Heard on the Hill: Rep. Peter Welch (D-Vt.) is trying to make his office carbon-neutral… Mike Pence claims the Colts won because Bush said something vaguely optimistic about their chances once. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were partying with Dan Snyder again! [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Oh no, Tommy Jacomo might not host lunch at The Palm anymore! … Don Fowler cursed out, almost beat down some journo. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Democrats spent all weekend drinking, dancing, not wearing ties… HBO now offering Stuart Saves His Family on demand in honor of future Senator Al Franken. [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: You know what the difference is between you and rich, important people like Robert Gates? Robert Gates gets to smoke wherever the hell he wants… Rep. Ilena Ros-Lehtinen incredibly excited to meet, uh, John McCain. [Politico]
* The Sleuth: Senator Mike Enzi wears a big diamond ring on his pinky. [WP]

* Rudy Giuli don’t give a fuck about two party ruley. [Political Wire]
* Walnuts is a maverick, Jamie McIntyre is a massive prick. [Media Matters]
* Second rate actors in town advocating for nipples everywhere. [MoJo]
* Democratic presidential campaigns resemble 7th-grade class president campaigns. [The Swamp]
* Talking politics on The View also not unlike talking politics with 7th graders. [Newsbusters]
* Minnesotans cool with cosplay, Al Franken. [Wizbang Politics]
* Robert Gates is probably a liar, definitely a pussy. [TPM Muckraker, Weekly Standard]

* To sum up: guy accuses white house of bad intelligence practices, White House uses henchman for a white collar hatchet job on guy’s wife - thereby offending both legal and natural practice. You care because when Scooter Libby’s trial starts tomorrow the witness stand will be a virtual “Who’s Evil in Washington: 2003.” [WP, NYT]
* Dick Cheney gives the same answer to every question: “There’s nothing wrong with it or illegal.” [NYT]
* Troop surge was “the only option,” obv. [WP]
* And Democrats are against it, this they know for sure. [NYT]
* Government contractors in Iraq may soon add “take it to prison” to their already established “taking it to the bank.” [WP]
* Robert Gates enjoyed his evening with UK counterpart Des Browne, wants a second date. [NYT]
* Two more Hussein lieutenants hanged, coming soon to a theater near you. [LAT]
* Republican presidential contenders have a hard time finding where to sit on Iraq plan. [USAT]
* Martin Luther King so well loved that only 2 in 10 college students don’t have a clue who he was. [WP]

* If Hieronymus Bosch had Photoshop he’d kick all these whipper-snappers’ asses. [The Art Directors Club]
* Robert Gates admits what Rumsfeld never could: “I’m no expert on military matters.” [CBS News]
* Barney Frank bangs his gavel 10, maybe 20 times a day. [C&L]
* Barbara Boxer cunt-punches Condi. [Passport]
* New Trump Tower Tehran would be gorgeous, baby, just gorgeous. [Think Progress]
* Dennis Kucinich’s music video takes patience, oooooh yeah, just a little patience. [Washington Wire]