Wonkette

Well dagnabbit, this Ted Kennedy-cancer news is a whole lot of No Fun. Looks like they can’t take the tumor out because it’s too close to “sensitive” parts of the brain, and 14 to 15 months seems to be the average survival period. The tumor is worse — more aggressive — for old folks, too. Even old racist Robert Byrd cried on the Senate floor today. Bummer on all levels, for everyone. But we have searched YouTube for the latest Ted Kennedy tribute videos, and here’s a new one that shows Teddy “through the years.” The background tunage is mighty catchy. And we can say this because it’s unrelated to his cancer: Ted Kennedy looked like such a preppy douchebag for most of his life. But he did shit for poor people so it all balances out. [YouTube]

West Virginia’s Robert Byrd, the president pro-tem of the U.S. Senate and a former member of the KKK, has endorsed — gasp! — the Kenyan candidate, Barack Obama! Although he hates black people, Byrd notes that he has “been one of the most outspoken opponents of the Bush administration’s misguided war in Iraq and its saber rattling around the globe,” and this shared view is Obama’s appeal to him. And lest we forget, Byrd made some pretty harrowing speeches before and at the outset of the Iraq War. [Charleston Gazette]

Apparently, the Senate Retirement Home Resident Life Committee has noticed that Senator Robert Byrd is old. Really, really old. And despite being so old he can’t really get around or run an Appropriations Committee hearing without the assistance of aides, he’s still chairing the committee- which, you’ll recall, hasn’t been able to complete its sole task of passing appropriations bills. This has some people plotting, naturally.

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Senator Robert Byrd has a dog. Her name is Trouble, but you can call her Baby. Apparently she’s writing his Senate statements these days. MORE »

Just a few months ago, ex-Senator George Allen’s love for the Confederacy and outrageous racism seemed almost quaint. Macaca was like a bridge to the mid-19th Century … with Robert Byrd standing on the other shore, resplendent in his Exalted Cyclops dunce cap and flowing robes.

But the KKK is back and better than ever! Learn how an old worn-out racist movement can “re-brand” itself for a New Era in which the main threat to white Americans is a Mexican guy picking strawberries for $5 an hour … after the jump.

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We have the oldest Senate ever, reports the Politico. The chamber of old white men is older than ever before, because modern medical science won’t allow rich people to die until they’re good and ready these days. MORE »

Exalted Cyclops and 89-year-old West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd tried to bring some “fun” to the swearing-in ceremonies yesterday by going crazy for Jesus and then falling into what was obviously a drug-and-dementia-induced trance. MORE »

* Heard on the Hill: William Jefferson already violating House ethics rules, uses official letterhead, House internal mail service to hit up other members for donations… Rep. Stephanie Herseth (D-S.D.) to marry some dude on March 31… TV journos upset that Nancy Pelosi won’t let them broadcast from Statuary Hall today. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Pelosi’s “Celebration Concert” tonight at the National Building is off-limits to the press. Attending: Tony Bennett, Carole King, Wyclef Jean, Bruce Hornsby, three former Grateful Dead members, Richard Gere and Amy Brenneman… Fed Chair Ben Bernanke spotted buying funnyman Dave Barry’s Money Secrets. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Busty blondes love horses: Barbi Twins join Bo Derek in lobbying against horse slaughter. ‘It’s like eating the flag,” says Sia. Quote of the year… Freshman Rep. Zack Space, who replaced Bob Ney, almost hired a cabbie named Ney… Despite being done in Congress forever, Rep. Shelley DraculaCunt Gibbs represented Texas’ 22nd at Ford’s Lying in State party… Nancy Pelosi held a tea party yesterday, Wonder Woman was there for some reason. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Robert Byrd is addicted to Red Bull. Vodka too, we assume… “Sen. Gordon Smith (R-Ore.) is the proud possessor of an original copy of Ford’s pardon of outgoing President Richard Nixon.” [Hill News]
* Rush & Molloy: Former DNC head Terry McAuliffe had great luck raising money from godless Hollywood types, Mike Bloomberg. [NYDN]

Younger readers — say, those not in rest homes — were likely bewildered by this exchange between outgoing lunatic Conrad Burns and Civil War-era Senator Robert Byrd:

Mr. Byrd then asked Mr. Burns, a professional livestock auctioneer, to regale him with one last yodel, and Mr. Burns obliged, in expert fashion.

“Almost as good as the fiddle,” Mr. Burns said, referring to Mr. Byrd’s instrument of choice. “Almost,” responded the Democrat.

A Wonkette operative kindly forwarded this image as explanation: MORE »

There’s so much pork news today, we feel like we’re already at the Labor Day BBQ. But this is the last thing we’re posting on S. 2590 … until at least Tuesday.

The Tubemeister claims his “secret hold” is due to a sudden concern about government spending — Stevens says he’s worried about the $15 million cost for six years of building and running a publicly accessible online database that would show, for example, how many hundreds of millions of dollars Stevens funnels to his cronies in Alaska.

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Mmm, “secret pork blockage.” MORE »

Yes, yes, “Tubes” Stevens has finally admitted putting a secret hold on the leetle tiny Senate proposal to have a website where you could see what crooks are taking all your tax dollars.

But it’s not what you think, really! The senator famous for his bold and principled projects — like that $200-million bridge that didn’t actually go anywhere — is just trying to crack down on wasteful government spending!

That’s because the publicly accessible Google-style online database is going to cost $4 million over the next two years and up to $11 million between now and 2011. Stevens needs that money for Alaska, where he plans to spend it on a new coffee maker for a loyal supporter in Juneau.

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We don’t like to get involved with “senate bills” around here, but now and then we find a non-odious proposed law — a rare bill that doesn’t aim to steal away more of our money and rights.

S. 2590 only wants “to require full disclosure of all entities and organizations receiving Federal funds.”

In other words, there would be a website on the Internets, and you the American consumer-citizen could go to this site and find out who and what is spending all your tax dollars. Republican Tom Coburn and Democrat Barack Obama sponsored the legislation, and a bunch of other big names joined the bipartisan fun: Hillary, McCain, Reid, even Frist!

But a secret crook has put a “secret hold” on the bill.

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Above, an ad that ran in Charleston Daily Mail and the Charleston Gazette last week, while the President was visiting West Virginia for a fundraiser. John Raese, the gentleman with the, uh, big-ass gun, is challenging crazy old bat Robert Byrd for his Senate seat (which will be pried from Byrd’s cold, dead ass). MORE »