• ROBERT BYRD HAD A FALL! Uh oh, Robert Byrd is about to die or something. No, maybe not. He just “stood up too fast this morning in his home and fell down.” For a 91-year-old, that’s like having a H-Bomb land on your forehead. He has been taken to the hospital, so WEST VIRGINIA STATE LEGISLATURE, GET TO WORK ON EMERGENCY LEGISLATION TO APPOINT AN INTERIM– we wish him all the best and have nothing to say about politics right now. [WP/Capitol Briefing]

Did you dress as Professor Dumbledore or a sneering Bank Goblin for yesterday’s midnight release party of the “new” Ted Kennedy memoir? What? You went as Gandalf? HE’S NOT EVEN *IN* THIS BOOK YOU IDIOT. But yes: Ted Kennedy’s new book is out today, and every journalist and blogger is reading it in bed, looking for the hottest blockquotes. The best excerpt we’ve seen thus far is one involving Sen. Robert Byrd, who was invited, along with Kennedy and other powerful humans, to the White House early on in Clinton’s presidency for their first meeting about gays in the military. Robert Byrd had concerns, but only because he thought they were discussing whether blacks should be allowed in the military. No no no, that wasn’t why. It had something to do with… rape, in Ancient Rome? MORE »

• After starting a rumor that Senator Robert Byrd had passed away, Caroline Kennedy did her civic duty and volunteered herself as the third senator from New York. [RedState]
• Guano faucet Ari Fleischer doesn’t want to take all the credit for exporting freedom to Iran, but hey, modesty is its own reward. [Think Progress]
• Every day Henry Paulson asks Jesus to heal his inner hurt, because Henry is a Christian Scientist and isn’t allowed to seek proper medical treatment for all the hilarious shit Matt Taibbi writes about him. [Matt Taibbi]
• Lots of ungrateful single working mothers are whining about how they receive a $25 golden parachute from the government every week, because now that the bailout has made them all filthy rich, they no longer qualify for $300 in food stamps every month. When AIG received their weekly $25 bailout, you didn’t hear them complaining about how they no longer qualified for government spa treatments or partridge hunts at Mr. Darcy’s country estate in Derbyshire! [HuffPost]
• When Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi sees a black person on the street he says, “Oh wow you have a nice tan.” And when he stumbles upon a woman with a very large belly he inquires, “Are you fat or just pregnant?” Silvio’s Hot Cop-Humpin’ Summer Comedy Tour begins today, here in Washington. [Swampland]

PREHISTORIC SPECIMEN CONFINED TO HOSPITAL: Ancient Robert Byrd is in the hospital battling a staph infection, which is precisely the sort of infection that old people tend to pick up in hospitals. SOMEBODY GET HIM OUT OF THAT SWAMP OF GERMS. P.S.: He is so very old. [Roll Call]

Many independent voters in this election have had a particular lingering fear about Obama, and we’re not talking about him being black, Muslim, communist, socialist, gay, elitist, Palestinian, the Anti-Christ, French, well educated, a child molester, Hitler, Stalin, sexist, “uppity” or a magical space demon. It is about him being Hawaiian, which is NOT A STATE unless you think *pineapples* deserve their own state. Cokie Roberts tried to discuss this over the summer but got mocked by a bunch of mean liberals. But now it’s not very funny, is it, douchebags, since Barry Obama will usher in a wave of pineapples to Rule Washington in his flowery new homosexual government. MORE »

Well dagnabbit, this Ted Kennedy-cancer news is a whole lot of No Fun. Looks like they can’t take the tumor out because it’s too close to “sensitive” parts of the brain, and 14 to 15 months seems to be the average survival period. The tumor is worse — more aggressive — for old folks, too. Even old racist Robert Byrd cried on the Senate floor today. Bummer on all levels, for everyone. But we have searched YouTube for the latest Ted Kennedy tribute videos, and here’s a new one that shows Teddy “through the years.” The background tunage is mighty catchy. And we can say this because it’s unrelated to his cancer: Ted Kennedy looked like such a preppy douchebag for most of his life. But he did shit for poor people so it all balances out. [YouTube]

West Virginia’s Robert Byrd, the president pro-tem of the U.S. Senate and a former member of the KKK, has endorsed — gasp! — the Kenyan candidate, Barack Obama! Although he hates black people, Byrd notes that he has “been one of the most outspoken opponents of the Bush administration’s misguided war in Iraq and its saber rattling around the globe,” and this shared view is Obama’s appeal to him. And lest we forget, Byrd made some pretty harrowing speeches before and at the outset of the Iraq War. [Charleston Gazette]

Apparently, the Senate Retirement Home Resident Life Committee has noticed that Senator Robert Byrd is old. Really, really old. And despite being so old he can’t really get around or run an Appropriations Committee hearing without the assistance of aides, he’s still chairing the committee- which, you’ll recall, hasn’t been able to complete its sole task of passing appropriations bills. This has some people plotting, naturally.

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Senator Robert Byrd has a dog. Her name is Trouble, but you can call her Baby. Apparently she’s writing his Senate statements these days. MORE »

Just a few months ago, ex-Senator George Allen’s love for the Confederacy and outrageous racism seemed almost quaint. Macaca was like a bridge to the mid-19th Century … with Robert Byrd standing on the other shore, resplendent in his Exalted Cyclops dunce cap and flowing robes.

But the KKK is back and better than ever! Learn how an old worn-out racist movement can “re-brand” itself for a New Era in which the main threat to white Americans is a Mexican guy picking strawberries for $5 an hour … after the jump.

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We have the oldest Senate ever, reports the Politico. The chamber of old white men is older than ever before, because modern medical science won’t allow rich people to die until they’re good and ready these days. MORE »