Tag Archives: robert byrd

  But Robert Byrd!

Of Course John Boehner Isn’t Going To Plunge This Knife Into Steve Scalise’s Back, Why Do You Ask?

He's happy to stand by his man, no really
How much does it suck to be Speaker of the House John Boehner right about now? You know the guy just wants to get his Eve of New Year’s Eve drink on, but nooooooooo. Instead, he’s got to stay sober enough to sign off on statements of support for all the lousy Republicans who can’t keep themselves out of trouble. Read more on Of Course John Boehner Isn’t Going To Plunge This Knife Into Steve Scalise’s Back, Why Do You Ask?…
  somebody call glenn beck

Dogs Attempting To Overthrow Government of Tennessee

The police around Tennessee’s state capitol building must have thought a cute dog walking around the grounds posed no threat to democracy. But they were wrong! Poor state Rep. Joanne Favors, a survivor of a “huge dog” that was walking around the capitol plaza, is revealing on the floor of the legislature what sounds to us like a major threat. THAT PLAZA IS THE CITIZENS’ PLAZA. IT IS NOT FOR DOGS. Is a cabal of dogs and perhaps other animals working on a coup d’etat? Read more on Dogs Attempting To Overthrow Government of Tennessee…
  better than hanukkah?

Let’s All Celebrate Constitution Day With Orrin Hatch!

Wow, Constitution Day is already here? Looks like the holiday season that began last week with 9/11 is nearly over and we all will have to go back to work soon. So what do we do on Constitution Day? BLASPHEME! This holiday was created in 2004 when the late Robert Byrd stuck it into a spending bill and nobody cared. That funding bill mandates schools that receive federal funds to teach children on this day how to have safe sex with a copy of the Constitution. For further clarification, Orrin Hatch posted an article about this on The Corner today, where he is apparently the newest member of their crack blogging team. So you can imagine Orrin Hatch having a ménage à trois with Jonah Goldberg and Kathryn Jean Lopez… now. Read more on Let’s All Celebrate Constitution Day With Orrin Hatch!…
  it's morning in america

Labor Day Is Over, So It’s Tax Cut Time

Laboring Americans, were you excited when your Barack Obama took to the stage on Labor Day and made an exciting proposal to spend $50 billion on infrastructure, which would create many a job building things, through labor? Then you were probably equally excited the day after Labor Day (“Capital Day”), when that proposal was rolled into another stimulus idea of cutting taxes on capital spending for businesses. Still, we don’t see any capital gains tax cut in here, and we all know that any stimulus concept that doesn’t include a capital gains tax cut is worse than Stalinism. Read more on Labor Day Is Over, So It’s Tax Cut Time… Read more on Labor Day Is Over, So It’s Tax Cut Time…
  so she wants to be one of them?

Sharron Angle Believes There Are ‘Domestic Enemies’ In Congress

How did we miss this? Earlier in the week it was reported that Sharron Angle agreed in a 2009 interview that there are “domestic enemies” within the “walls of the Senate and the Congress.” Wow, Americans are really dumb! You want to kill the terrorists, you guys, not elect them to high office. Unsurprisingly, because she hates terrorism and is MOST DEF not one of those terrorists herself, Sharron Angle has stood by this claim. Read more on Sharron Angle Believes There Are ‘Domestic Enemies’ In Congress…
  hotcha

Carte Goodwin Is West Virginia’s New Sexy Robert Byrd

West Virginia Gov. Joe Manchin is “tapping” his 36-year-old former chief counsel Carte Goodwin to hold Robert Byrd’s Senate seat smokin’ hot for him until Manchin runs for it himself in a special election in November. So this Carte man will be the one to vote to continue your unemployment benefits, sexily, though not quite as sexily as Byrd did. Surprisingly, Goodwin is currently a practicing lawyer and just happens to come from a “prominent West Virginia family” (barons of the muskrat industry). [AP] Read more on Carte Goodwin Is West Virginia’s New Sexy Robert Byrd…
  barry can you hear me?

West Wing Week’s Mysterious ‘Missing Time’

This is the week that LeBron has made, let us rejoice and be glad! America’s favorite Black Athlete-Jesus has elected himself Emperor of Miami, which will surely make Elian Gonzalez regret returning home to the Bay of Pigs. But what of our Black President-Jesus? How did he fare this week? Was he given shiny billions of dollars to leave the dowdy, depressed, but weirdly cool city of Cleveland, where his only friend was Harvey Pekar? Haha, no, you have mistaken Barack Obama for LeBron James, the man of whom I spoke in the lede to this Pulitzer Prize-winning column. These are two different black persons. Read more on West Wing Week’s Mysterious ‘Missing Time’…
  sliver-haired silver-tongued foxes

Robert Byrd Was World’s First ‘Super Model'; Was Also A Hoarder

Because the Senate is full of sick old people, there is actually an established policy about how long you get to clear out all of a senator’s stuff, after he dies. You get 60 days! This is fine for your ordinary senator who burned everything incriminating, but what about Robert Byrd, a man who was in office longer than any other Senator, and who literally never threw out a single letter that he received or sent over the decades? It takes a long time, and it is very emotional, because you keep stumbling across precious keepsakes, like uncaptioned photos where you look at them and are all like “Seriously, who the hell is this,” and also mash notes. Did Robert Byrd have a scorching-hot sex affair with a prominent advice columnist! Find out after the jump! Read more on Robert Byrd Was World’s First ‘Super Model'; Was Also A Hoarder…
  rumors on the internets

BREAKING: Robert Byrd Was A Racist And A Democrat, No Fair

John Boehner cordially invites all lobbyists to his annual “write the GOP Agenda” slumber party/circle jerk. [Think Progress] Matt Yglesias gets really philosophical about the intricacies of manufacturing goods. For instance, Matt manufactures blog posts, but will these blog posts be considered luxury goods in 40 years? We have no idea, it’s simply too soon to tell! [Matt Yglesias] Read more on BREAKING: Robert Byrd Was A Racist And A Democrat, No Fair…
  people who died of loving justin bieber too much

Evil Senate Refuses To Let C-SPAN Stick Camera In Robert Byrd’s Dead Face

People from the Radio-Television Correspondents Association have sent a “formal complaint” to Senate Rules Committee Chairman Chuck Schumer because the Senate has denied C-SPAN the permission to provide round-the-clock coverage of people looking at Robert Byrd’s wrinkly old corpse as it lies in state in the Senate Chamber. It is implied that Byrd’s family doesn’t want cameras there. Come on Senate, can you please just let C-SPAN point a camera at Robert Byrd’s dead body for hours on end? The alternative is them airing the Elena Kagan hearings. WHICH ONE IS MORE ENTERTAINING? [Erika Lovely] Read more on Evil Senate Refuses To Let C-SPAN Stick Camera In Robert Byrd’s Dead Face…
  it's morning in america

Democrats Look To W. Va. To Shore Up Precarious 58-41 Majority

Now that we’ve all had time to mourn Robert Byrd, let’s talk replacements! West Virginia’s Secretary of State has stared at the confusing law-words on the subject and announced that Democratic Governor Manchin can appoint some Democrat to fill out almost the whole rest of Byrd’s term; a special election will be held in 2012 to fill out the last two months of the term, for some reason, along with a real election to pick the Robert Byrd of the next fifty years. Will Manchin and his man-chin be that next Robert Byrd? He’d sure like to be! Read more on Democrats Look To W. Va. To Shore Up Precarious 58-41 Majority… Read more on Democrats Look To W. Va. To Shore Up Precarious 58-41 Majority…
  tory teabaggers

Steve Forbes Craps On Robert Byrd’s Fresh Grave

Robot-dweeb asswipe Steve Forbes was such a great Republican Presidential Candidate that absolutely no-one can remember that Steve Forbes did this, not so long ago. Has he vanished up the anus of his inherited wealth? No, of course not. He’s a fake Teabagger. He’s got a Twitter. And he’s so happy Robert Byrd is dead. The only thing that would be better, for banks, is if every other Democrat in the Senate died … and Scott Brown, too, if Scott Brown’s thinking about voting for financial reform. [Twitter via Wonkette Op “Angie D.”] Read more on Steve Forbes Craps On Robert Byrd’s Fresh Grave…
  radio reminds me of my home far away

A Children’s Treasury of Robert Byrd Video

After his weekly appearance on Showtime at the Apollo, Robert Byrd would sometimes take his fiddle down to the Opry to rock some bluegrass. He’s no Alison Kraus, but he is dead. And that along with a half century as a senator is enough reason for a Children’s Treasury of Weird Videos. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Robert Byrd Video…
  it's morning in america

Robert Byrd Flies Away To Heaven Along With Financial Reform

After 51 years in the Senate, Robert Byrd of West Virginia died this morning at the age of 92. Byrd was literally wheeled out to vote on Obama’s health-care reform bill and has been “in failing health” for about as long as anyone can remember. The Democrat is best known for being a Ku Klux Klansman, shoveling vast amounts of government money to impoverished West Virginia, and leaving behind a rich YouTube library of weird comments delivered in a folksy, impenetrable Appalachian drawl. Also, his Senate colleague Tom Coburn prayed for Byrd’s death, to prevent health care from passing. But God loves health care and hates Tom Coburn. Read more on Robert Byrd Flies Away To Heaven Along With Financial Reform… Read more on Robert Byrd Flies Away To Heaven Along With Financial Reform…
  drat

We Did Everything We Were Supposed To, But Robert Byrd Is Still Alive!

No idea if this is a hoax or not, but a self-identified Republican, “Abraham” — like the famous Jew! — called into CSPAN to ask Republican Sen. John Barrasso why Robert Byrd hadn’t died after Tom Coburn had instructed everyone to pray for it, and they had acquiesced? Maybe Tom Coburn doesn’t know God so well. Weren’t we just talking about expanding medical coverage?[YouTube] Read more on We Did Everything We Were Supposed To, But Robert Byrd Is Still Alive!…
  the world's greatest deliberative body

Terrible Demon Tom Coburn Offers To Cover God’s Medicaid Expansion Beyond 2019 If He Just Kills Robert Byrd

The always admirable Sen. Dick Durbin — Barack Obama’s white father — is super upset with the behavior of this health care debate’s most shameless Senate C-Streeter, Tom Coburn, a dick. He is demanding that Coburn “explain” an earlier prayer call for a Democratic senator to miss tonight’s 1 a.m. cloture vote, SOMEHOW. Hmm. Which senator’s circumstances are most likely to prevent him (or her! women!) from reaching a super-important 1 a.m. vote? Read more on Terrible Demon Tom Coburn Offers To Cover God’s Medicaid Expansion Beyond 2019 If He Just Kills Robert Byrd…
  elderly and celebratory

Robert Byrd Is Official Old Enough For A Superlative

Everyone very loudly but gently say “congratulations” to Sen. Robert Byrd, who became the longest-serving lawmaker in the history of Congress today. He’s like, “I look forward to serving you for the next 56 years and 320 days,” which is very gracious! Here’s this video of Robert Byrd playing the ancient instrument of “fiddle” back in the 1870s, when people would watch other people do “fiddle” on teevee for enjoyment. It’s like eight minutes long though, so just as with any old person thing, you can get away with turning it off after like 24 seconds and then saying that you love it. [HuffPost] Read more on Robert Byrd Is Official Old Enough For A Superlative…
  famous olds

ROBERT BYRD HAD A FALL! Uh oh, Robert Byrd is about to die or something. No, maybe not. He just “stood up too fast this morning in his home and fell down.” For a 91-year-old, that’s like having a H-Bomb land on your forehead. He has been taken to the hospital, so WEST VIRGINIA STATE LEGISLATURE, GET TO WORK ON EMERGENCY LEGISLATION TO APPOINT AN INTERIM– we wish him all the best and have nothing to say about politics right now. [WP/Capitol Briefing] Read more on …
  best book since the starr report

Kennedy Memoir Explains Robert Byrd’s Opposition To Gays In The Military

Did you dress as Professor Dumbledore or a sneering Bank Goblin for yesterday’s midnight release party of the “new” Ted Kennedy memoir? What? You went as Gandalf? HE’S NOT EVEN *IN* THIS BOOK YOU IDIOT. But yes: Ted Kennedy’s new book is out today, and every journalist and blogger is reading it in bed, looking for the hottest blockquotes. The best excerpt we’ve seen thus far is one involving Sen. Robert Byrd, who was invited, along with Kennedy and other powerful humans, to the White House early on in Clinton’s presidency for their first meeting about gays in the military. Robert Byrd had concerns, but only because he thought they were discussing whether blacks should be allowed in the military. No no no, that wasn’t why. It had something to do with… rape, in Ancient Rome? Read more on Kennedy Memoir Explains Robert Byrd’s Opposition To Gays In The Military…
  rumors on the internets

Ari Fleischer Declares Mission Accomplished In Iran, While Aboard The U.S.S. Chowderhead

After starting a rumor that Senator Robert Byrd had passed away, Caroline Kennedy did her civic duty and volunteered herself as the third senator from New York. [RedState] Guano faucet Ari Fleischer doesn’t want to take all the credit for exporting freedom to Iran, but hey, modesty is its own reward. [Think Progress] Read more on Ari Fleischer Declares Mission Accomplished In Iran, While Aboard The U.S.S. Chowderhead…
  health news

PREHISTORIC SPECIMEN CONFINED TO HOSPITAL: Ancient Robert Byrd is in the hospital battling a staph infection, which is precisely the sort of infection that old people tend to pick up in hospitals. SOMEBODY GET HIM OUT OF THAT SWAMP OF GERMS. P.S.: He is so very old. [Roll Call] Read more on …
  scandal!

Secret Obama Plan: Let Exotic Hawaii Control ALL WASHINGTON POWER?

Many independent voters in this election have had a particular lingering fear about Obama, and we’re not talking about him being black, Muslim, communist, socialist, gay, elitist, Palestinian, the Anti-Christ, French, well educated, a child molester, Hitler, Stalin, sexist, “uppity” or a magical space demon. It is about him being Hawaiian, which is NOT A STATE unless you think *pineapples* deserve their own state. Cokie Roberts tried to discuss this over the summer but got mocked by a bunch of mean liberals. But now it’s not very funny, is it, douchebags, since Barry Obama will usher in a wave of pineapples to Rule Washington in his flowery new homosexual government. Read more on Secret Obama Plan: Let Exotic Hawaii Control ALL WASHINGTON POWER?…