Tag Archives: rob portman

  The Definition of Insanity

Won’t You Help Republicans In The Senate Get Their Chance To Repeal Obamacare, America?

Sen. Rob Portman (R-Iron Man) is always surprising us! He displayed stunning acting range playing Barack Obama in debate prep for two generations of GOP presidential contenders, he suddenly contracted human empathy for the gays last year after he found out his son was one of them, and now he’s shaking American politics to its very foundation by vowing that when Republicans seize back the Senate in November and lock Harry Reid in that little room under the stairs, they’ll get busy right away on their groundbreaking new idea of repealing Obamacare. Read more on Won’t You Help Republicans In The Senate Get Their Chance To Repeal Obamacare, America?…
  reunited and it feels so good

Are You Ready For Make-Up Sex With Mitt Romney, America?

America, are you ready to take a chance again? Are you ready to have the white-hot flames of passion lick at your nether regions? Are you pining for a real man who will sweep you off your feet? Are you wishing you’d never lost that lovin’ feeling? Then America, you are so ready for the Mitt Romney resurgence. Yes, Mitt is back, baby, and he is blander than ever. Read more on Are You Ready For Make-Up Sex With Mitt Romney, America?…
  Who Would Jesus Refuse To Hire?

Senate Wants To Exempt Churches From ENDA To Protect Their Right To Hate Gays For Jesus

Aw, this is so sweet and Jesus-y: The Senate on Wednesday adopted an amendment to the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) from Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio) that would prevent retaliation against religious organizations. Portman’s amendment — which would prevent retaliation against religious organizations that don’t hire someone because of sexual orientation or identity — passed by voice-vote. Now, you might ask yourself why religious institutions that are supposedly dedicated to spreading the good word about loving the poors and the sluts and how the 1 percent is gonna have a hell of a time getting into Heaven would need a special dispensation from the Senate to keep on keeping on with that whole “Ewww, The Gays” thing. Especially since New Pope recently said hating chicks and gays should maybe not be a top priority. But what does he know? That’s just, like, his opinion, man, and as we’ve all learned from the bishops’ tireless crusade to protect religious liberty by denying health care to women, there’s really no better way to protect our freedoms than by fighting to deny other people their freedoms. Read more on Senate Wants To Exempt Churches From ENDA To Protect Their Right To Hate Gays For Jesus…
  my primary function is failure

Romney Voted Against Himself In 2010 Family Poll, Still Had To Run For President

In deciding to run for President in 2012, Mitt Romney ignored his family’s advice and his own vote in an informal family poll, according to an upcoming campaign book obtained by the Huffington Post. Sam Stein reports that over the 2010 Christmas holiday, the Romney family took a vote on whether he should run for President in 2012. Of the twelve votes, 10 were against the idea, including Mitt himself. Refusing to see this an inevitable foreshadowing of the rest of the country, and unable to override the “% become POTUS” command line in his programming, Romney was left with no choice but to run anyway. Read more on Romney Voted Against Himself In 2010 Family Poll, Still Had To Run For President…
  20 percent will vote yes to hitler

Senators Who Voted Against Gun Background Checks Very Unpopular In Home States Now, How Weird

That is so weird, how when you vote against something that has a nearly 90 percent approval rating, all of a sudden no one likes you anymore! (Here is how hard it is to get 90 percent of the populace to agree on something, and our favorite statistic that we will still be using on our deathbed, 411 years from now: after the Bush v. Gore merde sandwich, California had a proposition that would mandate that every legally cast vote be counted. Twenty percent of Californians voted against it.) So anyway, everyone’s like, yay background checks! Let us make sure we are not selling semiautomatic weapons to Squeaky Fromme! And no matter how many times the NRA said idiot things about how ensuring that guns are only sold to law-abiding citizens discriminated against law-abiding citizens, hardly anybody fell for it! (Approval did drop to the 70s in a lot of states after the sustained yapfest about NOBUMMER FEMA CAMP BULLETS DUSCREMINASHUN, but still: 70s!) YAY AMERICA! And now Jeff Flake, Lisa Murkowski, Mark Begich, Rob Portman, and Dean Heller have seen their approval ratings fall into the — how you say — shitter. Oh, also What’shername, Where’s the Girl, also too, but she’s not in this poll. Read more on Senators Who Voted Against Gun Background Checks Very Unpopular In Home States Now, How Weird…
  don't let your son go down on me

Serious Scientist Man Explains That Gay Marriage Will Kill You Worser Than Smoking

We received an important press release from Dr. Paul Cameron, who is a Very Important Scientist with a Ph.D. and everything. Somehow, we had never heard of him until he, acting as his own PR flack, emailed our benevolent Editrix, but he really is quite a piece of work — there aren’t a lot of social psychologists who’ve been written up by the SPLC as a “crackpot” who runs a “statistical chop shop…that offer[s] homophobes a supposedly scientific justification for their prejudices by invariably concluding that gays and lesbians are dangerous and diseased perverts.” Fun! He knows stuff! In fact, his scientific research is so dedicated to exposing the Truth about teh ghey that he’s been expelled from both the American Psychological Association and the American Sociological Association, because both groups are full of perverts. So, what’s he on about now? It turns out that he is very, very concerned for the health of Sen. Rob Portman’s gay son, who is going to die early from gayness! The press release, dated for tomorrow, says that Cameron went to Ohio’s Capitol Building today to call upon U.S. Senator Rob Portman (R-OH) to reconsider his recently announced support for gay marriage. “Sen. Portman, gay marriage is hazardous to one’s health. For the sake of the son you love, urge him to marry a woman.” Read more on Serious Scientist Man Explains That Gay Marriage Will Kill You Worser Than Smoking…
  carry on my gayward son

Hero Sen. Rob Portman Courageously Endorses Equal Rights For His Family Members

A Republican did a good thing today, guys. In a story that came out mere moments after midnight, it was revealed that Ohio Sen. Rob Portman is now in favor of gay marriage. It’s true! He didn’t always feel that way, but he’s been thinking a lot, and talking to a lot of folks, and now he thinks it’s about time we stopped with all the nonsense discrimination. It’s a big deal! We should get a cake to celebrate. How much icing do you think it would take to spell out “Fuck that guy”? Read more on Hero Sen. Rob Portman Courageously Endorses Equal Rights For His Family Members…
  also not jesus

Veep Hopeful Rob Portman Just Like Mel Gibson But Not So Psycho, Maybe

Mitt Romney is rumored to be close to selecting a running mate, and there’s a testosterone-laden badass on the short hairs list. Ohio Senator Rob Portman told the Associated Press that after flipping his kayak in Chile earlier this year he went adrenalin-mad like Mel Gibson in “Lethal Weapon 2” and popped his dislocated shoulder back into place by smashing it against a rock. Portman has the balls of a lion! Read more on Veep Hopeful Rob Portman Just Like Mel Gibson But Not So Psycho, Maybe…
  who?

‘The Blaze’ Writer, Headline Writer At Odds Over Thrill Quotient Of Possible Portman Pick

We feel fairly sure how whoever writes the headlines over at Glenn Beck’s The Blaze feels about a possible Rob Portman veep nod, what with their terrible intimation that nobody even knows who Rob Portman is. But how does the article about Rob Portman admitting he’s being vetted by the Romney camp frame the news? (Differently. It frames it differently, as a valiant fighter at the expense of Wonket Hero No. One And For All Time, Old Handsome Joe Biden.) Read more on ‘The Blaze’ Writer, Headline Writer At Odds Over Thrill Quotient Of Possible Portman Pick…
  off-label uses

Insomnia Cure: Read This Top 5 Veep Picks List from InTrade!

What is our beloved most recent former GOP vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin doing to claim a paycheck these days? The grifter quitter queen is executing nasal drone strikes on Kansas voters with delusional voice messages informing them that despite the best available geographic information to the contrary, they are all secretly living in Texas, unbeknownst to themselves. “Hello, Texas. I’m Sarah Palin,” is the actual most chilling ear spam anyone who believed him or herself to be outside Texas borders could hear upon picking up the phone. The nation as a result has collectively decided that it needs a powerful sedative, the only possible explanation for InTrade’s current top five most bankable picks for this year’s vice-presidential running mate. Who are they? Everyone tucked in and ready for their comas? Read more on Insomnia Cure: Read This Top 5 Veep Picks List from InTrade!…
  stop the chickens

Will This Chicken Monster Be Our New Vice President?

Holy beans, Rob Portman is a chicken! Someone just got a lot more qualified for the vice presidency. WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW and then ask yourselves, hmm, what should Joe Biden counter with in their debate? He does a mean impression of a human taking a shit, we hear. Read more on Will This Chicken Monster Be Our New Vice President?…
  game staythesamer

Republican ‘Elders’ Hate Fun, Want Boringest Possible VP Candidate

Are you sad because the exciting contest over which angry white fellow would take on Barack Obama in November is now over, and extra sad because the winner was the dude who was super awkward and boring, and not even super awkward and boring in kind of a fun way? Do you hold out high hopes that at least we’ll have some amusing drama when Romney has to make a “daring” VP pick who will connect with real Americans and also be a hateful moron? WELL YOU ARE WHAT’S WRONG WITH AMERICA. You probably enjoy guffawing and masturbating while watching those shows about the all the Kardashian ladies; meanwhile, the old people who run the Republican Party spend their time sipping red wine and watching communist PBS and plotting how to foist boring loser Rob Portman onto the 2012 ticket. Read more on Republican ‘Elders’ Hate Fun, Want Boringest Possible VP Candidate… Read more on Republican ‘Elders’ Hate Fun, Want Boringest Possible VP Candidate…
  needs moar man-tits

Gross Ohio Democrats Go Topless, Because Rob Portman Is Bad

Hey, people taking off their shirts …. old people, chunky people … to make, uh, a typically dumb/strained Democrat political point, that actually makes no real sense, and is just gross. Go to a website and the Democratic Party will send, uh, a shirt to Rob Portman, because he’s some Bush slimeball who is to blame for the Global Financial Collapse, we guess? Read more on Gross Ohio Democrats Go Topless, Because Rob Portman Is Bad…
  it's morning in america

Apparently Some Jackholes Got Elected Somewhere, Or Nominated We Guess, Who Cares

Remember two years ago when we pored over every single primary’s results — Jesus, we would, like, live-blog returns from gross states that we never even wanted to visit — just to see who was up in the delegate count or how Hillary was doing among white men or whether Obama had the momentum or whatever? Well, it’s not so much fun when nobody’s running for president anymore, is it? Despite this lack of excitement, two — no, wait, three, we guess — states held primaries yesterday for Senate races that will probably turn out to be important somewhere down the line, but really, who can muster up the energy to be interested? Read more on Apparently Some Jackholes Got Elected Somewhere, Or Nominated We Guess, Who Cares… Read more on Apparently Some Jackholes Got Elected Somewhere, Or Nominated We Guess, Who Cares…
 

Gossip Roundup: Hollywood, D.C.

* Reliable Source: Sen. Kennedy will make his first appearance on “The Daily Show” tomorrow night. . . “The Sentinel,” the “first big-budget drama in a while set in the nation’s capital,” opens Friday. [WP] * Under the Dome: Moran brothers jump at the chance to represent for DeLay. . . Rep. Dennis Kucinich runs out of his office to help the victim of traffic accident. . . Melissa Fitzgerald, of “West Wing” fame, is hosting a fundraiser for City Council candidate Robert Gordon. . . Press release from Sen. Reid refers to Rob Portman as Bob. [The Hill] * Inside the Beltway: The Bible will be read aloud on the West Lawn of the Capitol beginning April 30th. [WT] * Liz Smith: Democrats won’t take Larry Flynt‘s “dirty money.” [NYP] * The Scoop: Willem Dafoe says any connection between Cheney and the vice president character that he plays in “American Dreamz” is by “accident.” [MSNBC] Read more on Gossip Roundup: Hollywood, D.C….
 

Daily Briefing: Setting the Table

* Demand for oil tops agenda for meeting of Bush and Chinese President Hu Jintao; “China has invested heavily in Iran, and as a permanent member of the Security Council, its position on the question of sanctions is crucial.” [NYT] * Pentagon preps for war games about Iran. Bush: “All options are on the table.” [USAT] * Construction of $592M embassy in Baghdad –the size of 80 football fields– is on target. [USAT] * Bush: “I’m the decider, and I decide what’s best, and what’s best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense.” [NYT, USAT] * Administration has not improved the sharing of intelligence data among agencies, GAO finds. [WP] * Rob Portman, trade representative, is selected to replace Bolten as budget director; sends “gloomy signal [about] the prospects for achieving significant gains in trade talks with foreign countries anytime soon.” [WP, NYT, WP, USAT] * Army Maj. Gen. Geoffrey Miller ordered to testify on abuse in Iraq. [WP] * News organizations attempt to block subpoenas for documents related to leak investigation. [NYT] * FBI seeks access to the files of the late columnist Jack Anderson. [NYT] * Bush‘s interest in human rights complicates visit with Jintao. [WP] * Rumsfeld is playing dead, says Dana Milbank. [WP] Read more on Daily Briefing: Setting the Table…