Wonkette

Mmm, happy hour with the RNC and PUMAs. Sign us up. Obviously the RNC cares so much about Hillary voters that, um, they’re not letting any of them in: “Space is limited, and attendees must present both a valid DNCC and press organization credential to gain admittance.” So really… what’s going on here. [RNC]

Because we are kind of busy, and WTF Jack Reed?, here is your editor’s basic report on what we’re doing, in Denver and Saint Paul and everywhere between, even though your editor just got diagnosed with the Strep Throat. MORE »

There is no way we are going to get to all the stuff we wanted to post before leaving for two terrifying weeks of convention madness, so here is a quick listcicle of some stuff we like that might be helpful to you and to us, the American Heroes. MORE »

Ron Paul’s exciting all-day sports arena concert in Minneapolis was really missing only one thing: actual entertainment of some kind for the Paultards expected to pay $17.76 (get it?!) plus five-hundred dollars in Ticketmaster fees for the special privilege of sitting with other Paultards in a sports arena just a few miles from the fancy GOP convention in St. Paul, where the rich people will be partying with Kid Rock. And today Dr. Congressman Paul sent out an email announcing his Campaign for Literacy’s star attraction — a Nashville GOP singer gal Tom DeLay tried to keep on Dancing With the Stars even though she had to quit because of an ugly divorce from her drunken porn-loving Craigslist-threesome-having anal-sex addict congressional-candidate husband! MORE »

He used to be a famous maverick who spent all his time yukking it up with Ed McMahon in the “Golden Age of Television,” but these days John McCain can’t even get a commitment from actors-turned-Republican governors like Arnold Schwarzenegger. This is the sad situation reported today by Hollywood gossip paper the New York Daily News, which says the Dem convention will be one giant sexy celebrity event, while McCain’s convention in St. Paul will be lucky to get Kid Rock, who will probably just wake up in the dumpster behind Xcel Center and decide to attend the RNC because he can get a can of beer there, maybe. MORE »

• BARACK OBAMA IS PRESIDENT OF FUNDRAISING: Obama raised $51 million in July, compared to John McCain’s $27 million. The Republican National Committee still has way more cash on hand than its Democratic counterpart, however, because the Democrats are spending all their money on beer and weed. [AP]

SPEAKING OF CONVENTION PARTY TIME: Regarding this, about the fancy cocktail parties in Denver and St. Paul, Wonkette is not seeing quite enough invitations. We’ll need four invites for all the fun things, thanks, and then we’ll post the sexy pictures here. [The Hill]

First, plans were made for the Republican convention in St. Paul during the first week of September, at the Xcel Center, starring John “Oh him” McCain. Then, wacky freedom-fighter Ron Paul and his Campaign for Literacy anounced a Paultard rally, a weeklong thing that would also take place during the first week of September, but at the Pepsi Center in Minneapolis. Oh and there’s also a socialist May Day rally of some kind, which we only know about because hey, free Steve Earle concert. But also: dirty hippies and laborists. And today we learn Ralph “Malph” Nader is having his secret rally in Minneapolis, too. MORE »

Working for the Republican National Committee would be so freaking fun. When your electorate consists of the dumbest shits in the country, even the simplest, most transparent appeals to nativism, homophobia, or provincialism will preserve your monolithic base’s loyalty for decades. And so here’s the latest creative output from the RNC — which, along with BarackBook.com, constitutes the “July 29 RNC Twofer.” It is a comical video about what an Obama commercial in Germany would look like. Deep techno beats, robots, gay flashing colors, David Hasselhoff, anti-American German interviews, various other Eurotrash tropes. And you must watch the very end. Oh, it’s really not an option. [YouTube]

Say you’re a Republican incumbent, or maybe you’re the GOP candidate trying to take over a lucrative Senate or House seat for a retiring Republican. You would want to go to the big Republican Convention and bask in the successful glow of the GOP candidate for president, not to mention the outgoing Republican president who served two exciting terms, right? Wrong. You stay home, to avoid the stench of loserdom. MORE »

Since John McCain cannot appeal to America’s Youth in any demonstrable way, he has to rely on the famously hip and “with it” RNC to awaken the young voters’ elan vital. And what do the children like this millennium? The Facebook, of course! And, perchance, would there were a way to use New Yorker Satire to mock Barry Hussein with a Facebook spinoff, on the Internet? One might call it the “BarackBook”! Let’s explore the RNC’s ingenius new “BarackBook,” and possibly not kill ourselves in the process. MORE »

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John McCain might have a crappy old web site that sells golfing gear, but the Republican National Committee is running a very sophisticated Interwebs operation on his behalf. It is so sophisticated that they finally stopped the clock counting how many days had passed since Obama had been to Iraq, and maybe they will even reset it next week, after the clock-winder gets back from his vacation in Orlando. But the very best part of this web site is a section called “Can We Ask?”, where visitors get to ask Barack Obama questions. They are predictably hilarious. MORE »

The mouth-breathers in charge of GOP.com, the RNC’s hilarious website, still have this ticker proudly displayed front-and-center on their homepage. While Barack Obama has still not agreed to McCain’s series of 12,000 town hall duels, he is in Baghdad right now, which we believe is in Iraq, so this counter on the left should probably be at zero. Or is this whole trip a green-screened conspiracy, like 9/11, which Barack Obama also planned? Why is Barack Obama inventing 9/11 trips today? [GOP.com]