It is sad to think we will never be here again, at the Xcel Center Hockey Rink, in St. Paul of Minnesota. Ha ha, just kidding. We are so ready to get the living hell out of here! Do you know how long we’ve been covering these two conventions, in two cities 1,100 miles apart? FIVE AND A HALF YEARS. Or 13 days, same thing, really. Let’s liveblog Walnuts McCain giving the speech of, er, the night! MORE »

John McCain was a prisoner of war once, which automatically qualified him for every job ever invented, including haberdasher, whale scientist, and sex toy engineer. Let’s see how many people in this biographical film say, “That’s offensive!” when they are asked an actual question about John McCain. MORE »

That’s former Senator Bill Frist you see speaking on tonight’s redesigned RNC stage, with a lovely projection of the African plains at dusk as his backdrop. You know what else is a projection? The massive black cock on which he’s standing.

WISDOM IN THE EMAILS: “Wonkette-rs: Just wanted to point out the incredibly flawed logic of the Republican Party staging the final night of their convention — AND the all-important speech by their nominee — on the same night as opening kick-off for the NFL. Not only is football the most popular sport by viewership in the USA, it’s also (supposedly) favored by gun-totin’, red-blooded, all-around good ol’ boys (like Levi Johnston!). — Juan S.” [UPI]

Welcome to the last night of this horrid week, which started with a hurricane and ends with an old man struggling to read a teleprompter — an American Journey, really. Anyway, your entire Wonkette Team is here, at the Xcel Center, just plain eatin’ sandwiches and typing, from tables on the Club Level (?), and we will liveblog things such as John McCain’s speech, or maybe we’ll just burst out of here with the usual disgust in about an hour, and blog from Liffey’s Pub, again & forever. Let’s glance over the Lindsey Graham and Tom Ridge speeches that are embargoed, okay? MORE »

Last night, Wonkette videographer Liz Glover stole someone’s CNN Grill credential and gained entry into this mysterious hub of vapidity, where she found a cute doggy sleeping through Sarah Palin’s “stemwinder” of a wingnut rant. Then she tried to interview The Daily Show’s John Oliver, but he rejected her — he already had a make-out date scheduled with Dana Milbank in the Grill’s unisex bathroom. And then the sleeping dog awakens and attacks Liz Glover. No one helps for like a minute! CNN is corrupt with blood money. [YouTube]

We really went to the damned Ron Paul rally. It was honestly depressing. This guy was just cold enforcing the Constitution on these food-service workers trapped in Target Center all day with these losers counting out their change for another chili dog. We have other sad pictures, if you want to cry or laugh or whatever people do. MORE »

Guess where your editor went, on Tuesday? That’s right, to the magical Ron Paul Concert, in downtown Minneapolis. MORE »

• NOT IMPRESSED WITH PALIN’S SPEECH: “Let’s be honest about what we saw: a woman who was thrust into the presidential race in a farce worthy of Preston Sturges, reciting a speech written by Matthew Scully, faking as hard as she could fake, and lying as fast as she could lie.” Question: Why is Dave Weigel such a terrible sexist? [Reason]

So after our little tour of the Republican Death Slave Equipment we went next door to The Liffey, the bar of choice for lazy journalists who want to get as many beers into their bodies as quickly as possible following four hours of hillbilly baying for Elitist Media blood. We sat down with a couple of the Reason kids, and this nice young lady came up and said, “So what did you think of the speech?” MORE »

As we were leaving the convention last night, we were diverted down a sinister staircase to this creepy row of Republican Death-Litters. Every night these fill up a hundred times with the decrepit and infirm, and they are wheeled out and replaced with waxen robots chanting “ZERO! ZERO!” who dance to terrible country tunes until they run out of tobacco juice. [YouTube]