Fat queer Mexican porn narrator Rick Warren is still trying to fix his “image” after saying that married gay people only want to fuck and gay-marry rabbits and elephants and children: “You know Larry, there was a story within a story that never got told in the first place. I am not an anti-gay or anti-marriage activist. Never have been, never will be. During the whole Proposition 8 thing, I never once went to a meeting, never once issued a statement. Never once even gave an endorsement in the two years Prop. 8 was going.” [OC Register, YouTube]

‘SADDLEBACKING’ DEFINED: Impress all your friends at your next mid-sized bougie dinner party with this exciting ten-dollar word, courtesy of known homosexual Dan Savage. [Saddlebacking]

• Obama will get to keep his precious BlackBerry after all, except he be using some weird fancy encrypted BlackBerry that Michelle will buy for him from J.Crew. [Marc Ambinder]
• The victims of yesterday’s tragic inconvenience, in which some earnest hippies were stuck underground for a bit and then later turned away from their Inauguration “seats”, have started a totally unexpected Facebook group. These people are the real heroes. [Ben Smith]
• National idiot Chris Wallace isn’t sure that this Barack Obama is technically even President, what his native Muslim tongue being unable to properly pronounce our American words in their decent, Christian order. [Crooks and Liars]
• People pretty much agree that the Benediction was way better than Warren’s Invocation because Warren would not shut up about Jesus [Christ] and Lowery was pleasingly vague. [AMERICAblog]
• The confirmation of Eric Holder was supposed to be a done deal today, but Republicans want to delay a bit so that he will not jail the entire government for all their dedicated years of torturing. [Politico]

• Obama hired some gay bishop to give some mini Invocation speech, for fairness. Barack Obama has made history by being the first politician to hire a gay man to perform a service and not break the law or his marital vows in doing so. [AMERICAblog]
• Your Second Life avatar is destroying the actual, First Life Earth just as much as any random actual person from Brazil. [Hit & Run]
• Marc Ambinder is now plagiarizing witch-algebra from Nate Silver and predicting the chances Hopey has of accomplishing anything. [Marc Ambinder]
• Today Obama is meeting with the President of Mexico, “el Presidente”. [Top of the Ticket]
• Congress has hit a home-run for irrelevance today, as Roger Clemens, a baseball player from maybe the 1980s (?), will face a grand jury probe about whether or not he maybe took steroids. [Politico]

Look everyone, it’s Rick Warren’s weekly YouTube address to his congregants — but you can watch it too! So what’s the topic this week, lunchbox? Jesus do one thing or another? Oh, it’s a response to your depiction in the media of late as a bigot. And a rant against bloggers. How secular! MORE »

• RICHARD COHEN’S SISTER DOES NOT CARE FOR THIS BARACK OBAMA: “[Rick] Warren is anti-gay, and my sister, not to put too fine a point on it, is not.” We don’t get it. “She’s gay.” Oh okay. [Washington Post]

Apparently your Wonkette was depicted this way on Anderson Cooper’s show last night, as part of the “angry left” along with Daily Kos and, uh, the Washington Post. Really? We’ve always thought of ourselves as WARBLOGGERS. The pull quote CNN uses, of the word “Mad” repeated three times (this is how CNN indicates that the Angry Left is “mad” about something), comes from a Kev-O-Tron comment that was actually written, “mad mad mad.” So CNN misquoted Kev-O-Tron, IS ALL. Anyway, enjoy Gitmo, Kev-O-Tron! [CNN]

So Barack Obama, in the spirit of Christian charity and forgiveness, invited Pastor Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at his inaugural. (Rick Warren is the man who humiliated Barack Obama by forcing him to admit publicly that he is not a professional abortionist. Also Rick Warren hates the gays, who hate him back.) Now a series of “talking points” have surfaced, in the inbox of Huffington Post supersleuth Sam Stein, defensively defending Obama’s decision to give this goateed turd a speaking spot. MORE »

Rick Warren is a big shot evangelical preacher at a 600-trillion-person church in Southern California, meaning he’s also the puppetmaster behind American politics. You may remember his “Saddleback Forum” over the summer when he forced Obama and McCain — both of whose personal cell numbers he keeps — to babble about Jesus in his church, individually, while the other was being molested by rabid frogs in a Cone of Silence. Well guess what people, he’s now invited himself to give the wingnut invocation at Obama’s inauguration melee. This news does not please America’s many homosexuals. MORE »

We sort of already mentioned this, but apparently not enough, as every single email tip to Wonkette today is about the Invincible Cone of Silence and how John McCain was in his “straight talk” limo watching porn instead of humbly contemplating the Terrible Mystery of Jebus within Rick Warren’s meth-massage Silence Cone. But how is this Barack Obama’s fault? MORE »

Oh good gravy there is a special election event at the world-famous giant suburban church somewhere. Let us pray about our purpose-driven liveblogging, which could happen, IF THE LORD WILZ IT. Oh it’s starting maybe, let’s find out if it’s on teevee, and who will be president of 22,000 bored people in “Lake Forest, California,” where there’s no lake and no forest. MORE »