Tag Archives: rick scott

  anything less than grand theft is a felony

Stop, Collaborate and Put Your F*cking Hands Up: Your Florida Roundup

Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Welcome back to Florida, the quintessential backdrop for Sharknado III, where it’s weirdly not warm outside — though it ain’t like Ithaca — and we’re all freaking out a little bit because nobody has any winter clothes, thanks Obama. Read more on Stop, Collaborate and Put Your F*cking Hands Up: Your Florida Roundup…
  we never drew first but we drew first blood

Florida Supreme Court To Consider Whether Buttsechs Is Sex: Your (Sexy!) Florida Roundup

Meth is a helluva drug
Greetings, Wonketeers, from the Sunshine State, where it’s presently 70 degrees and there’s nary a cloud in the sky — enjoy your digging out, New England — which almost makes up for us being America’s Yellow Skittle. Almost. Read more on Florida Supreme Court To Consider Whether Buttsechs Is Sex: Your (Sexy!) Florida Roundup…
  florida. man.

Guns, Boob Leaks, And Wack Doogie Howser: Your Florida Roundup

God’s Waiting Room did not disappoint this week, so let’s dive right in! We’ll begin in Florida’s northeast corner, the part that would probably rather be Georgia (and not the good parts of Georgia), where the good sheriff of Duval County has put his finger on what’s really to blame for all these people shooting each other (no, it’s not the freakishly easy access to guns or the endemic poverty and deteriorating safety net, don’t be silly): Read more on Guns, Boob Leaks, And Wack Doogie Howser: Your Florida Roundup…
 

How Dumb Is My State? (Very Dumb): Your Florida Roundup

rick scott
Florida? Floriduh, am I right? (I am right.) Greeting, Wonketeers, from the Sunshine State, aka everyone’s favorite phallus, aka America’s after-school special, home to Viagra-fueled, syphilitic octogenarians and Midwest transplants and New York Jews and Cuban ex-pats and megachurches and Key West buttsexxxers and hanging chads and gun-toting rednecks and snowbirds and face-eating zombie men and maybe-rapey sportsball stars and failing schools and theme parks and charlatans and beaches and George-motherfucking-Zimmerman, all governed by a twice-elected con artist who looks like this guy and wants to be this guy. Read more on How Dumb Is My State? (Very Dumb): Your Florida Roundup…
  Stripper Recruiters For Strip-Mall Schools

Scammy For-Profit ‘College’ Knew What Students Want: Strippers

Phi Beta Strippa
In today’s “For-Profit Colleges Are Scummy and Bad” news, we bring you the tale of Florida’s “FastTrain” chain of educational institutions, which went out of business in 2012 following raids by the FBI. The company’s CEO and three other executives are now the subject of criminal indictments for conspiracy and theft of government funds through their scammy little quasi-educational enterprise, which at one time operated seven storefront “campuses” in the state. In addition to the usual elements you’d expect in a story like this — bogus training, high fees paid for by federal education programs, and leaving students with worthless certificates and piles of student loans that they’ll never escape, FastTrain also went out of its way to be especially scummy, and we aren’t just talking about the strippers they used to recruit students. Read more on Scammy For-Profit ‘College’ Knew What Students Want: Strippers…
  When did you stop assaulting your wife?

Conservative Nutjob Dennis Prager Sexually Assaults His Wife, So What’s The Big Deal?

Your lips are saying no but he's saying yes
Damn those feminists and their lies about “rape” and “sexual assault” and the “war on women” and other “things” Democrats say just to get people to vote for them. Because we all know that “hey, did you know rape is a thing?” is a winning election strategy, which is why feminists rule the country. Read more on Conservative Nutjob Dennis Prager Sexually Assaults His Wife, So What’s The Big Deal?…
  Lethal Injunction

WonkiFact: Yep, Rick Scott Delayed Execution For Attorney General’s Campaign Schedule

Now *that's* a logo.
During the second, fan-free debate between former Florida Gov. Charlie Crist* and current Gov. Rick Scott (R-Malfoy Manor) Tuesday night, the accusations flew hot and heavy. One of the more notable exchanges involved the question of whether Gov. Voldemort knowingly delayed a prisoner’s execution last year so it wouldn’t conflict with a campaign event being held by his attorney general, Pam Bondi. Read more on WonkiFact: Yep, Rick Scott Delayed Execution For Attorney General’s Campaign Schedule…
  We Are Saying He Is Shit Is What We Are Saying

In Florida Election, The Rick Just Hit The Fan

The moment Rick Scott lost the election
In what any Very Serious Journalist would consider a disqualifying move that requires the Republican Party to abandon the race completely, Florida Gov. Rick Scott refused to debate his Democratic opponent, the former Republican and former governor of Florida Charlie Crist (because of course; it’s Florida!), on Wednesday night. But he had a very good reason. As the debate’s moderator, Eliott Rodriguez, explained to the audience: Read more on In Florida Election, The Rick Just Hit The Fan…
  don't call it a comeback

Scott Walker Will Fight For Wisconsin’s Right To Collect Poor People’s Pee

Scott Walker, locked in a tight race for his second term as governor of Wisconsin, wants his constituents to know he’s committed to their conservative Midwestern values. It’s all right there in his campaign’s new manifesto, “Continuing Wisconsin’s Comeback”: If you give him four more years, he promises to cut property taxes, celebrate deer hunting heritage, supervise manly red-hot iron pours, and relentlessly pursue the urine of the state’s unemployed. Read more on Scott Walker Will Fight For Wisconsin’s Right To Collect Poor People’s Pee…
  what me nepotist?

Private School Students Will Undergo Mandatory Drug Testing For Fun and Profit

Drug testing: is there nothing it can’t do? Remember when Florida was gonna drug test all the poors because they were poor and were foolish enough to apply for state aid and then everyone realized that living skeleton Governor Rick Scott was going to make large amounts of coin from the endeavor because his company was the only company that could perform drug tests? Good times. The Florida thing turned out to be a failed venture, but at least one private school figured out that this would be a sweet way to humiliate children AND kick some cash over to the brother of the school president. Read more on Private School Students Will Undergo Mandatory Drug Testing For Fun and Profit…
  alan grayson was right

Yes, Red States, Not Expanding Medicaid Is Actually Killing People. But You Knew That.

Next time you see someone like Americans for Prosperity’s Jennifer Stefano shouting about the ridiculously generous benefits for Medicaid under Obamacare, you might want to picture Charlene Dill in your head. Charlene Dill was a 32-year-old woman who had three kids, was separated from her husband, and, with a combination of part-time jobs, was barely scraping by. She got booted off Medicaid because her princely $9000 a year was too much income — she couldn’t afford a divorce yet, so the program took her estranged husband’s income into account. And that was a problem, because Charlene Dill had a heart condition that could be managed with medication, which she couldn’t afford without Medicaid. And so on March 21, Charlene Dill died of heart failure while demonstrating a vacuum cleaner at a home in Kissimmee, Florida. She would have been covered by Medicaid if Florida had agreed to expand the program under the Affordable Care Act, but Florida’s legislature has so far blocked it, because Obamacare is bad, and handouts make people lazy. Go read the full story by Wonket friend Billy Manes at Orlando Weekly. We need to be angry about this. Dare we say it, we need to be emotional about this. People who fall into the gap between Medicaid and the level of income subsidized by the ACA are dying because they cannot get medical care. These aren’t people who are inconvenienced because they had to switch plans. These are people who are left out of the system altogether through the deliberate choice of governors and legislatures who want to score a point against Barack Obama. We will really try to put some jokes into this piece, but don’t get your hopes up too much. Read more on Yes, Red States, Not Expanding Medicaid Is Actually Killing People. But You Knew That….
  reducing the surplus population

Charlie Crist Wants To Know Why Rick Scott Is Sucking The Blood From All Those Poors

Former Florida Governor Charlie Crist would like to get that job back, please, and now that he is no longer a RINO and has gone Full Democrat, he is serious about sounding like it. Which is why he is accusing current Gov. Rick Voldemort of putting the Dark Mark on Florida’s Poors, by not expanding Medicaid under the Affordable Care Act. In an interview on MSNBC Friday, Crist told Chuck Todd, “About a million of my fellow Floridians are not getting health care today, and I am told by friends SEIU [sic], that means six people in Florida die every day as a result of that. Every day.” We are going to assume that the [sic] there indicates he meant to say “my friends at SEIU,” though it would maybe be cool if the Quakers were unionizing. Yr Wonkette wouldn’t usually stand up for the likes of Rick Scott, but we just want to point out that he actually does have a healthcare initiative for poor people — he gives them drug tests. Read more on Charlie Crist Wants To Know Why Rick Scott Is Sucking The Blood From All Those Poors…
  our cold dead cans

Florida Gun Owner Wants Florida To Regulate Backyard Shooting Ranges, Ha Ha Yeah As If

Doug Varrieur genuinely seems like a responsible gun owner. When he learned that the state of Florida permits near-unrestricted gunplay on one’s own property, he was naturally excited to set up some cans and start shooting. But! Before doing this, he made sure to construct a sturdy backstop to prevent the slaughter of innocents. He wasn’t required to; the law is pretty much just “Have fun and don’t let a cop see you do something stupid,” but Varrieur is a rare sort: A Florida gun enthusiast and backyard shooter who wants more regulations on guns. For safety. In Florida. [Varrieur] made a list of requirements he thinks should be included in the statute for non-rural residences. They include requirements about backstops, targets, the distance that bullets can travel, the time of day shots can be fired and the types of weapons and ammunition that can be used. He doesn’t think it is safe to use high-powered rifles and armor-piercing bullets at your home. Doug Varrieur for President of Florida, please. Read more on Florida Gun Owner Wants Florida To Regulate Backyard Shooting Ranges, Ha Ha Yeah As If…
  'florida man' strikes again

Cokehead Trey Radel Resigning From Congress To Spend More Time With His Coke

Florida congresshoover Trey Radel, the “hip-hop conservative” who went and got himself busted for cocaine possession back in November, will resign today, according to pretty much everyone. His letter to Speaker John Boehner says, “is my belief that professionally I cannot fully and effectively serve as a United States Representative to the place I love and call home, Southwest Florida.” He said that 2014 has already “been tremendously positive as I focus on my health, family and faith.” In other words, god only knows what horrible revelation was just about to come out, BYEEEEEE. Read more on Cokehead Trey Radel Resigning From Congress To Spend More Time With His Coke…
  oh for crist's sake

Florida Gov. Rick Scott Discovers True Cause Of 2008 Recession: Previous Florida Gov. Charlie Crist

America’s Time-Travel and Causality Crisis grew worse last week as Florida Gov. Rick Scott (R-Azkaban) blamed the 2008 recession on his predecessor and likely opponent in 2014, former Gov. Charlie Crist, who served from 2007 to 2011: “We never should have had that downturn,” Scott told the Sayfie Review Florida Leaders Summit in Orlando, suggesting that Florida’s economic troubles in the midst of the global recession that spiraled out of control in 2008 after the fall of the nation’s largest investment banks was the fault of his predecessor, former Gov. Charlie Crist. It was not immediately clear whether Scott believed that Crist actually caused the banking crisis and collapse in mortgage-based securities that led to the recession, or if he held Crist responsible for failing to use powerful magic to prevent Florida from being affected by the worldwide economic decline. Read more on Florida Gov. Rick Scott Discovers True Cause Of 2008 Recession: Previous Florida Gov. Charlie Crist…
  we are shocked...shocked!

Solemn Duty Of Killing A Prisoner Rescheduled To Fit Florida A.G. Pam Bondi’s Important Campaign Schedule

Really, there are some days when Yr Wonkette is just tempted to run a headline that says nothing more than “Florida WTF?” but we would then have an awfully hard telling one instance from another, particularly since Florida has more different flavors of WTF than Sarah Palin has varieties of sexy poutface. All of which is to lead into Monday’s fine Sunshine State story: Attorney General Pam Bondi persuaded Gov. Rick Scott to postpone an execution scheduled for tonight because it conflicted with her re-election kick-off reception. We aren’t even sure if there’s anything more to be said beyond that; the thing in itself is such pure political derp that we fear tainting it by going into detail. And yet, we must. Read more on Solemn Duty Of Killing A Prisoner Rescheduled To Fit Florida A.G. Pam Bondi’s Important Campaign Schedule…
  coo-coo achoo

Governor Scott, Champion of Public Health, Bans Sick Pay

Nothing can improve your dining experience like having a sick waitstaff, except possibly knowing that the cook who prepared your food is also stricken with the flu. That also will improve your dining experience, because it will expose you to germs and build your resistance to them. Unless it gets you really sick, in which case, tough breaks but that is not Rick Scott’s problem: Florida Gov. Rick Scott signed a bill Friday that would block local governments from enacting mandatory paid-sick-time measures, such as the one pending in Orange County The Republican governor sided with Walt Disney World, Darden Restaurants, the Florida Chamber of Commerce and a broad array of powerful business interests that argued the ban was needed to avoid a patchwork of local employment rules for companies. Well THANK GOD someone is out there standing up for a broad array of powerful business interests — you just don’t see that sort of principled stand much these days. Florida would just be a craphole otherwise. Read more on Governor Scott, Champion of Public Health, Bans Sick Pay…
  pure poetry

Gaze In Awe Upon Fox News’s Six Perfect Words: ‘Crack-Smoking Illegal Alien Registered To Vote’

Future generations of scholars and historians* will need look only to six perfect words (or seven if you count the hyphenation) to understand perfectly the first week of November, the year of our lord 2012: “Crack-Smoking Illegal Alien Registered To Vote.” It is a headline made for literature, and poetry. It may even surpass the wild beauty of Assume Deer Dead. Read more on Gaze In Awe Upon Fox News’s Six Perfect Words: ‘Crack-Smoking Illegal Alien Registered To Vote’…
  naturally gassy

Florida To Get Flaming Tap Water, Officially Become Hell

The oil-drilling technique known as fracking has caused its share of controversy the past few years: Maybe it causes radioactive rivers, maybe it’s marine life to blame. Maybe it causes earthquakes, maybe that’s the Dallas Cowboys special teams squad. It also, though, looks to pretty obviously cause methane contamination leading to flaming tap water, and you know what that means — it’s perfect for Florida. Oil companies have been romancing Florida’s government for the better part of the year, according to the Southwest Florida News-Press, and are offering the state a chance to take one more step in some kind of prolonged costume contest in which Florida will win a bottle of popcorn-flavored vodka if it can look like the setting of Book of Eli. Read more on Florida To Get Flaming Tap Water, Officially Become Hell…
  because 'florida'

Florida Governor Rick Scott Liberates Doctors From Burdens Of The First Amendment

We at Wonkette are not experts in Constitutional law or contemporary American jurisprudence, but it seems to us that the Amendments are supposed to be of equal importance and subjected to the same standards of inquiry. So we were surprised (but not really that surprised, actually, now that we think about it for a minute) to learn that the Second Amendment is more important than the First Amendment, but only for doctors, and only if they live in Florida. Read more on Florida Governor Rick Scott Liberates Doctors From Burdens Of The First Amendment…
  funny people on the videocamera

Watch Florida’s AG Also Learn of the Wrong Health Care Ruling

This is not quite a Schimdtgasm… but then again, what is comparable to the funniest video of the year? Here’s Florida AG Pam Bondi, a lead plaintiff behind the health care reform case and, in general, one of America’s worst public officials, first hearing that the individual mandate was struck down. Gov. Bat Boy calls for a five-minute break, and everyone is all smiles! And then Bondi gets the real ruling, oops. Read more on Watch Florida’s AG Also Learn of the Wrong Health Care Ruling…
  true lies

Lucky Romney Camp Has ‘Enough Truth’ To ‘Have It Both Ways’ In Florida

Mitt Romney may be pageview death — and he is, Blanche! He is! — but how could your Wonkette resist such a marvelous little item as this one? Bloomberg News reports that the Romney campaign is telling Florida Gov. Bat Boy to shut the fuck up, if you please sir, about the great strides his state is making in jobs. And then the Romney camp — having it all ways! — is all, nah mang, we would never say that! We think it’s rad when governors are able to overcome the disasters of the Obameconomy, so that if unemployment goes up it’s Bamz’s fault, and if it goes down, it’s due to the GOP! (This gets an “obvious” tag.) But there was one more little teeny thing they said that sang right to our earholes, like the harps of angels. Read more on Lucky Romney Camp Has ‘Enough Truth’ To ‘Have It Both Ways’ In Florida…