rick scott
Gaze In Awe Upon Fox News’s Six Perfect Words: ‘Crack-Smoking Illegal Alien Registered To Vote’
Future generations of scholars and historians* will need look only to six perfect words (or seven if you count the hyphenation) to understand perfectly the first week of November, the year of our lord 2012: “Crack-Smoking Illegal Alien Registered To Vote.” It is a headline made for literature, and poetry. It may even surpass the [...]
Florida To Get Flaming Tap Water, Officially Become Hell
The oil-drilling technique known as fracking has caused its share of controversy the past few years: Maybe it causes radioactive rivers, maybe it’s marine life to blame. Maybe it causes earthquakes, maybe that’s the Dallas Cowboys special teams squad. It also, though, looks to pretty obviously cause methane contamination leading to flaming tap water, and [...]
Florida Governor Rick Scott Liberates Doctors From Burdens Of The First Amendment
We at Wonkette are not experts in Constitutional law or contemporary American jurisprudence, but it seems to us that the Amendments are supposed to be of equal importance and subjected to the same standards of inquiry. So we were surprised (but not really that surprised, actually, now that we think about it for a minute) [...]
Watch Florida’s AG Also Learn of the Wrong Health Care Ruling
This is not quite a Schimdtgasm… but then again, what is comparable to the funniest video of the year? Here’s Florida AG Pam Bondi, a lead plaintiff behind the health care reform case and, in general, one of America’s worst public officials, first hearing that the individual mandate was struck down. Gov. Bat Boy calls [...]
Lucky Romney Camp Has ‘Enough Truth’ To ‘Have It Both Ways’ In Florida
Mitt Romney may be pageview death — and he is, Blanche! He is! — but how could your Wonkette resist such a marvelous little item as this one? Bloomberg News reports that the Romney campaign is telling Florida Gov. Bat Boy to shut the fuck up, if you please sir, about the great strides his [...]
Rick Scott Bravely Purges 91-Year-Old War Hero Criminal From Voting Rolls
Oh look, there they go again! By “they” we mean the Democrats, always crying about voter suppression. Look, is it our fault that their supporters are all vicious thugs, pot smokers, illegal immigrants, white slavers, people whose names end in vowels or “z,” vicious illegal immigrant thugs, and liberals? Only Rick Scott is man enough [...]
Spain Takes Break From Economic Woes to Laugh at Rick Scott
Perennial top contender for America’s most fervently incompetent governor Rick Scott is working hard for the title even on a trade mission to Spain: He managed to earn immediate ridicule from the country’s 47 million residents within actual seconds of meeting the King of Spain. He’s efficient! King Juan Carlos has lately been in hot [...]
Nice Lt. Gov. Of Florida Knows Nothing About Trayvon Martin Case, But Thanks For Calling
Noted American humorist Dave Barry once remarked that the main jobs of a lieutenant governor are to wear a tie and call up the governor once a day to make sure he or she isn’t dead. And that was pretty funny … in the ’80s, when your Comics Curmudgeon was in junior high and loved [...]
Florida Gov. Rick Scott On Tampa’s Republican Convention: Needs More Guns
Round about a month ago, your Wonkette informed you of the stupid state law/clusterfuck that precluded the city of Tampa from restricting guns around the site of the Republican National Convention. “Stupid idiot,” snitted some jive-ass commenters, “why do you make a big deal out of this obviously the Secret Service won’t let any guns [...]
Florida GOP Lawmakers Propose To Drug Test Everyone But Themselves
It is a very tough job finding something to do in the Florida legislature these days, what with everyone having a job and home values doing well, and certainly the state isn’t being invaded by hordes of rapidly-multiplying, large-mammal-eating swamp monster snakes, so House Republicans are reviving one of their favorite policy time-killers, randomly drug [...]
Rick Scott Has No Idea Where This ‘Tampa Bay’ Place Is
Further proof Rick Scott is a demon robot from outer space: he has not yet not learned where one of the major urban areas in the state he governs is, because he arrived in Florida from his desolate home asteroid-space landfill too recently. When reporters from the St. Petersburg Times mentioned to him that the [...]
Florida Teacher Somehow Broke Law By Registering Students To Vote
Grim hairless weasel Rick Scott’s idea of defending democracy is to pass a hated law to make sure that minorities and students (read: dangerous liberals) in Florida are never again allowed to participate in the electoral process, which means that a high school civics teacher who organized a run-of-the-mill voter registration drive at her school is now [...]
Sarah Palin Reduced To Hosting Dinners At Disneyworld
Damaged-goods dingbat Sarah Palin is so unpopular and forgotten these days that only Florida’s state GOP wants her around, at a trade-show rubber-chicken dinner, at Disneyworld. Palin has apparently accepted an offer to jabber for a few minutes in exchange for a platter of convention food and a bag of soiled dollar bills. But she’s [...]
Non-Human Rick Scott Launches Jihad Against People Who Study Humans
Space monster/invoked demon Rick Scott is clearly not a human. Children everywhere know Rick Scott’s face very well: It is what they see during nightmares, the soulless mask of non-human evil as personified by Lord Voldemort in the demonic Halloween books by J.K. Rowling. Rick Scott has laughed off such accusations, in his inhuman laugh, [...]
Hero Columnist Offers To Pay To Drug Test Florida Lawmakers
Florida governor Rick Scott is one of those charming sociopath fundamentalist teabagger fiscal responsibility screamers who will nonetheless spend millions of taxpayer dollars to make absolutely sure that the government isn’t giving a single $104 check to a poor drug user even as the state cuts school funding, just to prove he is an annoying [...]
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