Tag: rick santorum

Makin' his yucky buttsex face.

Rick Santorum Has Clever Plan To Make All The Brown People Go Away Forever

Rick Santorum is still running for president for some godforsaken reason, probably because his family abortion doctor said a campaign would distract him from his real obsession, which is ass sex. And so Thursday night, during the Undergirdle Debate...

Donald Trump Eats Ted Cruz’s Canadian Bacon: GOP Debate Liveblog

Hey you, wake up! The Republican undercard second-tier losers' debate for extra-loser losers is over and now it's time to watch Donald Trump and the other prime-time losers shout at Fox Business Network for asking mean questions like "Dr. Carson, you...

Carly Fiorina In Three-Way With Mike Huckabee And Rick Santorum … WAIT COME BACK

Gather round, ye wonkers, for the Republican Undercard Cage Match Debate, starring Mean Mike Huckabee, Rick "Santorum" Santorum, and the most terrifyingly vicious fighter of them all, Carly Fiorina, pictured above. Rand Paul, because he is a whiny baby, will...
The way we were.

Let’s Watch Donald Trump Deport Ted Cruz On Live TV! Your Republican Debate Preview.

It's time for another Republican debate, aren't you sexcited? Of course you aren't, because there's a Republican debate EVERY GODDAMNED DAY NOW, it seems. There are still 1,067,88leventy86 candidates who still haven't had the good sense to euthanize their...
David Brooks, Serious New York Times Typist

The Brutalism Of Reading David Brooks Whining About The Brutalism Of Ted Cruz

New York Times conservative columnist David Brooks lives in a different sort of reality, where Real Americans who do not live on the elitist coasts (like Brooks does) love God & Guns and the unlimited breadsticks at the Applebee's salad bar. Also, he...
SAD HUCK.

Mike Huckabee Sad Everyone Hates Him So Much, Even Jesus

Oh, dear, it must be double super tough to be a "Mike Huckabee" these days! He can't pay his own campaign staffers, and he's noticed, suddenly all of a sudden, how everybody who's alive hates him, and also everybody...

Rick Santorum Knows Unaccompanied Honduran Babies Just In It For The Obamaphones

Rick Santorum cares about one thing, as everybody knows, and that is the children. OK, he cares about butt-fucking too, like, way too much. But we are talking about Rick Santorum and kids and how he is the Number...
Todos somos perdedores

Clinging To The Clown Car’s Trailer Hitch: Your Second-Tier GOP Debate Liveblog

Any diehard Wonkers masochistic enough to watch this turd volcano of a fifth GOP kiddie table debate (both of you) probably want some "information" about the "candidates" and their "positions," so here you go: It's four soon-to-be has-beens desperately...
We'll be in our bunk.

What Is That Sexy Canadian Guy Doing In This GOP Debate Preview? (No, Not Ted Cruz)

That time has once again cummeth upon us, where we will sit down in front of our widescreen televisions, munch bits of ham frosting out of tubs, and become very excited that any one of the Republican men and...
Ew gay.

GOP Candidates Jewsplain Jewing To Jewishes. Goes Well As You’d Expect, Only Worse

We all of us know Republican presidential candidates are far more comfortable addressing Jesus-Americans -- what with our country being a Christian nation, for Christians only, especially in the Oval Office. But on Thursday, they explored their bicurosity about The...

Is Ann Romney The Daddy Of Donald Trump’s Baby?

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program of making jokes to ask this Very Serious Journalistic question: What the hell is this? One of those boys is the Trump kind, and one of them is the Romney kind, and do we even care which one...

GOP Losers Welcome Christie And Huckabee To The Kids’ Debate: Liveblog!

Is it already loser o'clock on a day that ends in "y" again? Why, yes it is. And you know what that means: Republican debate night! In a sexciting plot twist, former main show showoffs Chris Christie and Mike Huckabee...
Republican debate watchers.

Let’s Watch Republicans Try To Out-Stupid Ben Carson. Your Debate Preview!

Oh, do you have your DVRs set and your babysitters called and your sex lube procured for tonight's SUPER-EXCITING REPUBLICAN DEBATE? Yes, they're going to yammer words at each other again, and people are going to watch it, and...
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort Heidi.

Ted Cruz Demands Next President Start His Day Praying To Jesus Or Giving Head

Another week, another Jesusfestapalooza of Jesus-Americans letting their Jesus-freak flag fly, in the name of the holy spirit of founding fathers, amen. This one was called the "National Religious Liberties Conference," emceed by rightwing radio preacher Kevin Swanson, homeschooling advocate...
Warrior president.

Rick Santorum Beated Up Whoopi Goldberg And ISIS, Will Be Toughest President

Rick Santorum, whose polling throughout the primary season hasn't risen higher than Rick Santorum's dick when he discovers sexts from his wife's hot abortion doctor ex-boyfriend, has sent out a fundraising email. No, we do not know how the Washington...
Donald Trump brought his favorite album

Republicans Demand Kinder, Gentler Debates With Multiple Choice Questions

Following Wednesday's GOP primary debate in which mean CNBC moderators asked him questions that required him to do math or lie about that decade he shilled for quack cancer cures, Dr. Ben Carson decided he's had enough of biased reporters who...