Tag Archives: rick santorum

  don't go away mad just go away

It Has Been Five Minutes, So Mitt Romney Is Flip-Flopping On Something Again

Mitt Romney, who just can’t take no for an answer and may need to be told no yet again, has apparently grown tired of pretending to be “severely conservative.” It didn’t work for him so well in 2012, when he ran on his platform of “Ew, the poors!” so it seems he’s plagiarizing a page from John McCain’s playbook by acting all mavericky and taking a position contrary to today’s Republican Party. (This is definitely a wise choice, given how well that worked for McCain in 2008, but shhhh, don’t tell Mitt.) “I, for instance, as you know, part company with many of the conservatives in my party on the issue of the minimum wage,” Romney said in a Friday appearance on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe.” “I think we ought to raise it. Because frankly, our party is all about more jobs and better pay.” Oooooh! Ahhhhh! So brave. So bold. So principled. Let us take a moment to admire Mitt for having the courage to defiantly defy his party so defiantly by standing up for what he so frankly believes in. Okay, moment’s over: It didn’t get much notice amid the buildup to Super Tuesday. But after conservative outcry over his support for raising the minimum wage, Mitt Romney quietly reversed his position this week. “There’s probably not a need to raise the minimum wage,” the Republican front-runner told CNBC’s Larry Kudlow on Monday. Now let’s take a moment to roll our eyes at forever flip-flopping Mitt because OF COURSE. Read more on It Has Been Five Minutes, So Mitt Romney Is Flip-Flopping On Something Again…
  cleanliness is next to godliness

Pope Francis Just Straight Up Trolling Conservative Catholics Now With His Foot-Washing Habits

Remember last year when it was getting to be close to Easter and the pope washed some feet of Muslim girls instead of good old Christian males, like god intended, and the Rick Santorum wing of the Catholic Church threw a temper tantrum about how Jesus would have never touched lady feet because Jesus? Buckle up, kids, ’cause it’s Eastertime again, and Pope Francis is washing some ladyfeet, even though some douchebag bishop won’t. First, let’s talk about what type of feet the pope touched this year, shall we? Read more on Pope Francis Just Straight Up Trolling Conservative Catholics Now With His Foot-Washing Habits…
  midlife crisis on infinite earths

Glenn Beck Tired Of Wasting Life, Wants To Make Movies Or Be A Cowboy Astronaut Fireman

Looks like Glenn Beck is having another of his mood swings, and has decided that everything is terrible, he’s tired of politics, and he just wants out. We feel ya, Glenn (not literally, oh no, heavens no). It can get to be a drag, especially when approached with the manic, barking terrier intensity of a Glenn Beck. But we get why he’s sick of it. It broke Ken Layne, after all. Maybe Glenn just needs to go out to the desert and commune with the tortoises for a while. He would probably get a lot out of that, FOR REAL. But instead of politics, he thinks maybe he’ll follow the example of Rick Santorum and make movies, because there’s a low-stress job. Or maybe he’ll just head up an apocalyptic death cult. No reason he can’t do both, like his role model, Frank Capra. Read more on Glenn Beck Tired Of Wasting Life, Wants To Make Movies Or Be A Cowboy Astronaut Fireman…
  time to throw his asshat in the ring

Please Run For President, Mr. Santorum. Your Country’s Mommy Blogs Need You

Rick Santorum, we need to talk about your future. We know you’re having fun playing at being a movie producer, and apparently you like that part-time job enough that you mention it during your trips to Iowa. We don’t know how great that studio of yours is doing, since you still seem to be talking about the one movie you’ve released as if it were still on the way, at least if this WaPo profile is accurate, and the other movie that you keep talking about went straight to the Hallmark Channel, not theaters. So we’re not sure if film-making is in your blood, is what we’re saying. But being the most sanctimonious douchebag in a gaggle of sanctimonious douchebags? That, sir, is what you’re good at. So stop the tease already and declare, will you? Read more on Please Run For President, Mr. Santorum. Your Country’s Mommy Blogs Need You…
  only suckers pay their bills

Happy Obamacare Deadline Day! PS: Rick Santorum Thinks You Are Lazy

With the open enrollment deadline for the Affordable Healthcare Act punching Americans in the face today, former senator and losing presidential contender Rick Santorum just wants to be clear that since only 6 million or so people signed up for the ACA, the program is a complete failure. On Meet the Press, Chuck Todd asked the Frothy One if he “felt vindicated” for his many attacks on Obamacare during the 2012 Republican primaries, and as it turns out, he is pretty pleased with himself: “Well, it was the issue in 2010 that caused us to have the tea party revolution,” Santorum asserted. “It was all around the issue of health care. And this election is going to be all around the issue of health care.” That’s pretty persuasive, all right! It sort of leaves out how Mitt Romney trounced Obama in the 2012 election, but it sure proves that scaring people about death panels is a good way to get them to vote in a midterm. Also, we seem to remember something about the tea party revolution being about the fake Kenyan dictator who was a socialist, too. But yes, if people were angry about it in 2010, that pretty much proves that the ACA has failed in 2014, doesn’t it? Read more on Happy Obamacare Deadline Day! PS: Rick Santorum Thinks You Are Lazy…
  the internet was nice while it lasted

Obama Will Murder All Your Porn And Cat Videos, Too Bad, Suck It

OMG! Did you guys hear that the Internet is being given away? Quick! Download all the dirtiest porn you can, because THE INTERNET IS ABOUT TO GO AWAY FOREVER! YES, GODDAMIT, THIS DOES TOO DESERVE ALL CAPS BECAUSE THE INTERNET WORLD IS COMING TO AN END. At least, that’s what we are hearing. Are you freaking out yet? FREAK OUT, DAMMIT. Wait, we are hearing that there is a small chance of an over-reaction by everyone. Perhaps you should rein it in, Dear Reader, and calm the fuck down. No need to freak out all the time just because some crazy website told you to. Here’s the deal, straight from the Commerce Department, via Media Matters: To support and enhance the multistakeholder model of Internet policymaking and governance, the U.S. Commerce Department’s National Telecommunications and Information Administration (NTIA) today announces its intent to transition key Internet domain name functions to the global multistakeholder community. In non-government speak, the Washington Post helpfully explains, “U.S. officials announced plans Friday to relinquish federal government control over the administration of the Internet.” Apparently, in a transition that has been in the works since 1998, there will soon be a global governing body to help keep the Internet running smoothly and full of all the Interracial Siberian Threesomes your eyeballs can handle. Let’s wonksplore.  Read more on Obama Will Murder All Your Porn And Cat Videos, Too Bad, Suck It…
  blowvember comes early this year

Virginia Laws Against Anal, Oral Sex Go Down, And Now You Can Too!

Virginia is now really, truly for lovers. And not just the boring penis-in-vagina kind of lovers, but now you can put your naughty bits in whatever orifice you would like, even in the butt! Per WaPo: More than a decade after the Supreme Court declared such bans unconstitutional, Virginia lawmakers have taken a ban on oral and anal sex out of the state code. Congrats, Virginia! Welcome to life in post-Puritan America. We look forward to cops high-fiving Larry Craig blowing Rick Santorum’s brains out in the men’s room of Dulles airport.  Read more on Virginia Laws Against Anal, Oral Sex Go Down, And Now You Can Too!…
  is our pundits learning?

Laura Ingraham Performs Difficult Stupidity Hat-Trick About Immigrants, Puerto Rico, And Sonia Sotomayor

‘Sup, Laura Ingraham? How’ve you been? Keeping busy? Cool, cool. You’ve been doing what? Being deeply confused and kind of full of racist bullshit about immigrants and Puerto Rico? Well, that’s a thing to pass the time, we guess. What idiot wind blew out of your mouth lately? The context of Ingraham’s statement was a rant about Sotomayor’s decision to refer to people in the United States without citizenship or immigration papers as “undocumented immigrants” because, in Sotomayor’s words, calling “them illegal aliens seemed . . . insulting.” After claiming that Sotomayor’s preference for one term over the other somehow reflects insufficient respect for the rule of law, Ingraham said that Justice Sotomayor’s “allegiance obviously goes to her, you know, immigrant family background, not to the U.S. Constitution.” Read more on Laura Ingraham Performs Difficult Stupidity Hat-Trick About Immigrants, Puerto Rico, And Sonia Sotomayor…
  college: ur doin it rong

Heritage Foundation Notes Food Stamps Given To Stupid College Grads Who Picked Wrong Major Like German Or Not Business

From excessive drinking to being high pretty much all the time to a wardrobe consisting of only pajamas, blogging college sure is a rockin good time. And, it helps you get a job that pays money, which enables you to buy progressively better whiskey, hoping for that one magical day when you can afford the stuff that does not come in a plastic bottle! It’s good to dream, kid. But wait! Maybe college ain’t so great after all, because did you know that some college graduates don’t make ALL THE MONIES and sometimes get laid off, and some even are forced to go on food stamps! Well, the good awful folks at the Heritage Foundation are right here to bring you the SHOCKING statistics. It seems that 28 percent of food stamp households are headed by someone who went to college. TWENTY-EIGHT PERCENT, people! That’s, like, more than 1 in 4 people on food stamps (math, bitchez). Clearly, our colleges is not learning students good. Or maybe we should blame the students! Blaming the students would only work if we were really dickish, but we are talking about the Heritage Foundation.  Read more on Heritage Foundation Notes Food Stamps Given To Stupid College Grads Who Picked Wrong Major Like German Or Not Business…
  mo money mo problems

Wonksplainer! Congress Unveils Spending Bill That Will Probably Screw You Over Somehow

Hold on to your hats, gentlemen, and clutch your pearls, ladies, because House and Senate negotiators have come up with a … wait for it… COMPROMISE! After you pick you jaws up from the floor, we shall dig through all the nooks and crannies of this funding agreement, forged deep in the depths of Mt. Doom the Capitol Basement. There are tons of goodies in there, including a massive increase to embassy security spending because BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI. It was an increase of… let’s see… carry the 4… multiply by the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow… NEGATIVE $224 MILLION. Yep, sure am glad that 8,634 Congressional hearings into embassy security resulted in LESS funding for embassy security. Let’s wonksplore other nuggets found in the bill.  Read more on Wonksplainer! Congress Unveils Spending Bill That Will Probably Screw You Over Somehow…
  nice time!

Ladies And Gentlemen, Wonkers And Wonkadoos, Your National Legislative Badass Of The Year, Elijah Cummings!

While 2013 certainly kept all the womyn busy in the kitchen baking shitmuffins, there were some bright and awesome spots where legislators on the national stage groped around to find long-lost sets of (gender-neutral) testicles and stood up for everything that is right and just in this world. In order to honor those men and women who encouraged us to step slowly away from the ledge, we have created the most coveted award in all the land: Legislative Badass of the Year. Despite tough competition from both chambers, we proudly present this year’s award to… ELIJAH CUMMINGS! Before we salivate and slobber and talk up this year’s champ, we have to give mad props (is that still a thing? We don’t know because old) to several runners-up who made us smile and feel good in all the right places. Read more on Ladies And Gentlemen, Wonkers And Wonkadoos, Your National Legislative Badass Of The Year, Elijah Cummings!…
  No we're not being sarcastic except we are

Wonkette Wishes Rick Santorum A Totally Not Ironic Happy White Santa Holidays Full Of Frothy Jesus

Dear Frothy Mixture of Lube and Fecal Matter That Is Sometimes the Byproduct of Anal Sex, You, Rick Santorum, are wonderful. You are like Nelson Mandela. This year alone, you have delighted us with all of your frothy Santorumness. You learned us how if you cannot gaybash at our high school children, it is like Hitler. And how kids are afraid to shower at the YMCA because they might have to hear icky words like “abortion.” And how flinging yourself all over Virginia turned out to not be excellent news for Ken Cuccinelli. And how you should maybe keep your day job of not having a day job and stay away from producing Christmassy movies. And how the First Amendment is intended to protect you — yes, you Rick, personally — from having to live in a country where women use birth control. And how, most important of all and relevant to 2016 cough cough wink wink, you understand now that the great lesson of 2012 is that you totally would have won if you hadn’t lost. Read more on Wonkette Wishes Rick Santorum A Totally Not Ironic Happy White Santa Holidays Full Of Frothy Jesus…
  and on the 8th day god said let there be derp

Mike Huckabee To Save Internet With ‘Huckabee Post.’ ‘Journalists,’ Apply Now!

Hey, remember that fat white guy who lost weight and now wants to put the ‘white’ back in White House? No, not the one what closes bridges because of petty political bickering — the other GOP white guy, the one who rocks out on gee-tar. Yeah, Mike Huckabee. He is back in the news because the news hates us and wants us to be unhappy today and forever. Continuing today’s trend of plagiarizing, the Huffington Post reports that Huckabee will soon be launching… wait for it… The Huckabee Post! Where, oh where, did he come with such a creative and original name? Let’s sadsplore what kind of awfulness we can expect from the Huckster.  Read more on Mike Huckabee To Save Internet With ‘Huckabee Post.’ ‘Journalists,’ Apply Now!…
  freeeeeeee rick santorum

Rick Santorum Says Rick Santorum Is Nelson Mandela

You will note that we have not spent a lot of time last night or this morning subjecting you to OUTRAGE!!!1! via hellish racist bullshit about the passing of Nelson Mandela. This is because we are feeling gentle and celebratory about a great man’s life — how many people get to bear witness to an actual Father of a Nation bending the moral arc of the universe? — and those irrelevant little sandflies in the darker corners of NRO comments can’t ruin it for us no matter how hard they try. (And they have really been trying.) So the following from Rick Santorum is not to make you mad. It’s not even maddening! It is just hilarious typical Rick Santorum tonedeaf idiot bullshit, and it is for you to point and laugh. Rick Santorum, how are you like Nelson Mandela? Read more on Rick Santorum Says Rick Santorum Is Nelson Mandela…
  everyone has aids aids aids

How Did You Celebrate World AIDS Day? (Buttsechs)

Happy World AIDS Day (a day late, because drunk)!! Have you celebrated? How, exactly, does one celebrate the 25th annual World AIDS Day? We bought our Editrix a 10-pack of female condoms, because safe sexytimes are good sexytimes. The United States, on the other hand, celebrates by spending billions each year around the globe fighting AIDS. Hooray us, because fighting AIDS is a good thing. The fight against global AIDS started in earnest with President GWB, with a generous assist from President Carter, when he set up the President’s Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief, or PEPFAR. Back in 2003, Congress was willing to fund the hell out of it because that was when the GOP was spending money like a drunken sailor Rick Santorum in a whorehouse petting zoo, because Republican President. Now that the GOP is all focused on debt & deficit (i.e., Dem Prezzy), monies are tight for foreign aid. What’s a President to do? Let’s safe-sexplore.  Read more on How Did You Celebrate World AIDS Day? (Buttsechs)…
  seriously can he hear himself?

Rick Santorum: Stop Imposing Your Values On Me While I Am Imposing My Values On These Ladies And Their Slut Pills

Ohaithere, Rick Santorum! Now that you’ve made a movie about magic candles that help Christians get pregnant, what else is in your quiver? How about the Constitution’s guarantee of the freedom to be free of others imposing their values on you while you are imposing your values on others? Yes, that is a good freedom! So now that the SCOTUS has agreed to hear the Hobby Lobby case, the unelectable fetus fondler went on CNN to explain that Obamacare violates business owners’ rights to freely exercise their religion, since they won’t have the option to not cover birth control: “I mean, the idea that the First Amendment stops after you walk out of church, that it doesn’t have anything to do with how you live the rest of your life, I don’t know very many people of faith that believes that their religion ends with just worship,” Santorum explained. “It ends in how you practice and live that faith.” After all, Hobby Lobby is very clear about the fact that it is a Christian business, and if Christian businesses can’t use health insurance to clarify to employees what God thinks about the way they fuck, then the First Amendment is dead. Read more on Rick Santorum: Stop Imposing Your Values On Me While I Am Imposing My Values On These Ladies And Their Slut Pills…
  waxy discharge

Rick Santorum’s ‘Christmas Candle’ Brings You The Miracle Of A TV Movie On The Big Screen

It would be inaccurate to call The Christmas Candle a terrible movie, or even an especially bad movie. You can’t really hate it, because that would just take too much effort. Rather, it’s an almost instantly forgettable nothing of preachy sappiness, a completely predictable, by-the-numbers story about Christmas miracles. It’s not enjoyably bad, like the stuff you’d find on MST3K, or offensively bad, like the guy in charge of making it, EchoLight Studios chief Rick Santorum; it’s just a great big pile of earnest Christmassy meh, which mostly serves to answer the question, Can Susan Boyle act? (She can’t, not even in a small role). Read more on Rick Santorum’s ‘Christmas Candle’ Brings You The Miracle Of A TV Movie On The Big Screen…
  o frother where art thou?

Rick Santorum Has Learned Lessons of 2012: If He Had Won, He Wouldn’t Have Lost

Rick Santorum has given it a lot of thought, and he’s figured out that if the true results of the 2012 Iowa Caucus had been reported right away, he’d have been the guy to win the Not Romney Sweepstakes, get the nomination, and lose to Barack Obama. “Had he lost Iowa, then the air of invincibility would’ve been dashed,” Santorum said of his opponent. “Of course, we had a great week raising money, but it wasn’t the same, had we won. If we’d won, I would’ve been on every show the next day, and Time magazine might have had me on the cover. Things like that would’ve really changed the whole thing.” That is some A+++ logic right there (the math science of words), would logic with Rick Santorum again! So does this mean he’s going to step aside from making awful movies (teaser: review coming soon!) and run again? He’s definitely been giving it some thought, because now he’s whatchacall “seasoned.” Or past his sell-by date, or something. Read more on Rick Santorum Has Learned Lessons of 2012: If He Had Won, He Wouldn’t Have Lost…
  gop hispanico outreach-o no es bwayno

House GOP Blames Obama, Lack Of Desire To Do Hard Work In Refusal To Take Up Immigration Reform

Buenos dias, Wonketeers. After weeks of pointless grandstanding by modern-day Dr. Suess El Senor Canadiano Ted Cruz, aren’t we all ready for Congress to, you know, do something positive rather than just tank fourth quarter economic output? Hey, how about that comprehensive immigration reform that the Senate was all positive about. Could be a good idea, what with midterm elections and the grand GOP plan to do more outreach to people who are not white male bible-humpers. Perhaps Tea Party hero and perpetually unquenched Senator Marco Rubio can take a leadership role? Other prominent immigration supporters like Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) have also backed off any deal, saying the Obama administration has “undermined” negotiations by not defunding his signature health care law. Sorry, Messicans and other browns with harder-to-mock country of origins, looks like that damn Kenyan socialist screwed it all up for you by absolutely refusing to defund his signature legislative achievement.  Read more on House GOP Blames Obama, Lack Of Desire To Do Hard Work In Refusal To Take Up Immigration Reform…
  wonket confidential

Ann Coulter Writes Book, Risks Liberal Contamination by Visiting Washington DC

Tucker, I said no karate chops in the office
Ann Coulter wrote a book. It’s her tenth! Congratulations, Ann! We don’t know much about the etiquette of these things, but evidently the tenth is the “fluorescent” anniversary in publishing, since her friends at the Daily Caller invited everyone over to their place this week to celebrate. Read more on Ann Coulter Writes Book, Risks Liberal Contamination by Visiting Washington DC…
  A new strategy that's NSFW

Ken Cuccinelli Flings Santorum All Over Virginia

Poor Ken Cuccinelli. You’d think, given his stellar record of raging against buttsex and ‘bortions and ObamaNaziKenyanSocialist LiberalZOMGCare and calling on God to get all Old Testament on America because abortion, he’d be coasting to victory in the race to be the next governor of Virginia. And if it weren’t for those damned lady voters, he … well, actually, he’d still be losing, but maybe not as bad. Funny thing about lady voters — it’s almost as if they don’t want to support a man who is dedicated to stripping them of their rights or something. Bitches, man. They’re more confusing than magnets. So here is a super swell plan to woo the womenfolk over to the Cooch side, and it’s so crazy, it just might … well, actually, it won’t work, but desperate times call for derptastic measures. Rick Santorum is coming to the defense of Virginia gubernatorial candidate Ken Cuccinelli, Virginia’s far-right attorney general who is currently trailing in the polls, with a “Strikeforce to elect Ken Cuccinelli.” Read more on Ken Cuccinelli Flings Santorum All Over Virginia…
  our long national nightmare is just beginning

Texans Spend Eight Minutes In Heaven With Ted Cruz; Rest Of Nation Barely Resists Urge To Vomit

Eight minutes can be a really long time. It’s about the amount of time it takes light from the sun to travel to the earth. Or in more earthly terms, it’s twice as long as Gary’s never-gonna-happen fantasy about Piper Perabo. But if you are an addled, half-brained drooling Tea-jadist, then it is just the right amount of time to give a standing ovation to Texi-Canadian ass-monkey Ted Cruz: Republican Sen. Ted Cruz received an eight-minute standing ovation upon his return to Texas this past weekend, despite an extended, hostile campaign from Democrats and the mainstream media to portray him as a dangerous extremist. Thanks, Daily Caller, for noting that the hostile campaign to portray Ted Cruz as a dangerous extremist is a ludicrous notion from the MSM and crazy libruls. Because causing billions of dollars to the economy FOR NOTHING is totally cool and not dangerous or extreme at all, no siree.  Read more on Texans Spend Eight Minutes In Heaven With Ted Cruz; Rest Of Nation Barely Resists Urge To Vomit…