Tag Archives: rick santorum

  you know who else ... ?

Rick Santorum Begs Jews To Hate His Guts Too

Also a schmuck
Look, kids, it’s repugnant fuck-eyed canker blossom Rick Santorum, trying to steal some attention from Mike Huckabee, who is trying to steal some attention from Donald Trump. And also to submit his name for Schmuck of The Year 5775, which we have already given to Huckabee, too bad for always-a-bridesmaid-never-a-bride Santorum. Read more on Rick Santorum Begs Jews To Hate His Guts Too…
  Let's gossip about the week's stop stories

A Completely True Story About A Brazilian Pastor And His Holy Peen Milk. Your Weekly Top Ten

Ooh look a kitten.
Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and you are probably thinking “ooh I just clicked on this post HARD because I want to know about the Brazilian pastor and his holy peen milk” and we hate to break it to you, but it’s not true. The number two story of the week, FOR SOME REASON, was this thing we wrote in 2013, about a Brazilian pastor and his holy peen sperm milk, which turned out to be fakity fake fake, which NEVER HAPPENS AT WONKETTE. It just happened this one time, in 2013, because we do not speak Brazilianese and hey, nobody is perfect. But SOMEBODY posted it on Facebook this week, or on Tinder, we’re not quite sure, and it got eleventy million page views, so, because this is an honest and ethical top ten list, we are being honest about how it was the number two story of the week. If you are the person who posted it, please come forward so Wonkette can give you a spanking right on your bottom. Read more on A Completely True Story About A Brazilian Pastor And His Holy Peen Milk. Your Weekly Top Ten…
  Since When Is The Supreme Court Supreme?

Rachel Maddow Uses Tiny Words To Teach Rick Santorum How America Works

Rachel has the best WTF face
Not that he’s desperate or anything, but Rick Santorum chose a pretty weird place for an interview. He sat down with Rachel Maddow for a chat Wednesday, far away from the comfortably familiar Idiot Crew at Fox News. We guess he wanted to show that he could hold his own against the Liberal Media’s most prominent nerd or something. They exchanged compliments: Maddow thinks he’s one of the best communicators in the Republican field, especially with a live crowd, and Santorum respects that she’s tough but sticks to policy, not personal attacks. And despite her generous suggestion to brainstorm some ways of picking a fight with Donald Trump so he can raise his profile enough to get into the first GOP debate in August, Santorum politely declined the offer. Heck, he could try calling Trump an asshole. Noting that he’d run a close second to Mitt Romney in the 2012 primaries, Maddow asked Santorum why all that support has evaporated. Santorum’s answer: it’s early yet, they’ll all come back, you’ll see. (Fun fact: That’s not the real answer. The real answer is that he benefited from being the least freakish — barely — of the anyone-but-Mitt candidates.) Read more on Rachel Maddow Uses Tiny Words To Teach Rick Santorum How America Works…
  Ricky Has Two Ideas

Rick Santorum Should Try Calling Donald Trump An Asshole If He Wants Any Attention

Can't go wrong with the classics
Nobody is paying any attention to Rick Santorum, who is also a Republican presidential candidate, you know. Sure, an unpopular second-tier one, but still! He is running for president again, look at him, look at him, LOOK AT HIM NOW! So, having conclusively proven in his failed 2012 run that college education is only for snobs and elitists, Rick Santorum (holder of a bachelor’s degree, MBA, and a J.D.) is turning his sights to the abysmal state of elementary schools, which he thinks only teach about gay families because The Creeping Gay has completely taken over Gaymerica. Take note, media, Santorum is speaking! Read more on Rick Santorum Should Try Calling Donald Trump An Asshole If He Wants Any Attention…
  Almost as popular as Donald Trump

Conservatives Hate New Pope Now, For Being Dumb Commie Tree-Hugger

Is he even Catholic?
They really don’t make popes like they used to. You know, the kind who may have sorta kinda been in the Hitler Youth — but reluctantly! And then kinda sorta tried to cover up all that unpleasantness about Catholic priests raping all the children, and bishops keeping it on the down low, when he was a lowly cardinal. And then, as Lord God King Pope of the Universe, gone around talking about how God made girls like this, and God made boys like that, and homos and feminists are fucking it all up, goddamnit, plus those uppity radical feminist nuns, boy, they’re a real problem. Read more on Conservatives Hate New Pope Now, For Being Dumb Commie Tree-Hugger…
  Fun facts about Karen Santorum

Rick Santorum Needs You To Know His Wife Used To Shack Up With An Abortionist

The more you know ...
While most political candidates at least like to pretend that it is Not Cool to attack their opponents’ families, Rick Santorum thinks it is not only Totally Cool but also necessary so voters will know what they’re getting themselves into: Read more on Rick Santorum Needs You To Know His Wife Used To Shack Up With An Abortionist…
  A Piece In Our Time

Iran Nuclear Deal Will Either Usher In New Era Of Peace Or End Of Civilization As We Know It

Thanks to whoever already did this with Ahmedinejad instead of Hitler; we've updated to Rouhani
An agreement to limit Iran’s nuclear development has been reached between Iran and the United States, plus five other nations that were so important to the negotiations that the New York Times named them all in the 33rd paragraph of its story on the deal. While President Barack Obama said the agreement is “not built on trust, it is built on verification,” many representatives of Israel in the U.S. Congress have complained that the deal is terrible and will lead to Iranian domination of the Middle East, the destruction of Israel, and probably gun confiscation and abortions, because everything Obama does will lead to those. The agreement is the result of a framework that Iran and the U.S. agreed to in April. Read more on Iran Nuclear Deal Will Either Usher In New Era Of Peace Or End Of Civilization As We Know It…
  Still Frothy After All These Years

Rick Santorum Takes Victory Lap Now That Supreme Court Allows Man-Dog Marriages

She's happy to be his bitch
Walking Google joke Rick Santorum took a weird victory lap in Colorado last month when the Supreme Court crammed marriage equality down America’s throat, explaining that he had been totally right in 2003 when he predicted that striking down sodomy laws would eventually destroy every family ever and legitimize man on dog relationships. Read more on Rick Santorum Takes Victory Lap Now That Supreme Court Allows Man-Dog Marriages…
  Fire Island Causes Global Warming

Rick Santorum: Know What Really Makes Sea Levels Rise? Gay Marriage.

Also, we should slash NASA's budget and give it to sidewalk anti-abortion counselors
Pathetic self-parody Rick Santorum took to The Fox and The Friends Sunday to explain how to fix the Supreme Court, after it broke America last week, and make America all better again, and the way to do that is for presidents to stop wasting time talking about fake stuff like “Global Warming” and to instead save the American family from turning all gay. Read more on Rick Santorum: Know What Really Makes Sea Levels Rise? Gay Marriage….
  So. Many. Idiots.

How GOP ‘Presidents’ Will Fail To Save America From Buttsex-Based Marriage

The spanking, it stung, YAY!
The Republican candidates for 2016 have spoken, and they are not one bit happy with all this gaiety today. Their reactions ranged from sadly resigned to reality, to promises to fight the decision forever — they will fight the gays in the fields and in the streets, fight them in the hills, but not fight them on the beaches because they might see a guy in a speedo and that would simply be too much — to saying nothing at all because they’re too busy crying, apparently. Read more on How GOP ‘Presidents’ Will Fail To Save America From Buttsex-Based Marriage…
  Give them another five years

Every Single GOP Candidate Has A Cunning Plan To Murder Obamacare On Day One

It's like health care only different
The highest court of unelected activist judges in the whole Us of America declared, for the second time, that Obamacare haters need to hush now and take a nap because that shit is kosher, yo. Which does not mean the Republican Party or any of its “presidential” “candidates” are going to do that. The Affordable Care Act may be the super-duper twice-certified constitutional law of the land, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be repealed and replaced with something even MORE better, dunno what yet, that’s not what matters right now! Read more on Every Single GOP Candidate Has A Cunning Plan To Murder Obamacare On Day One…
  Why Would A Racist Give *Us* Money?

Charleston Killer’s Favorite Racist Gave A Bunch Of Money To Top Republicans, Oops

Just a racist, his gun, his flag, and his spring planting project
By now you’ve probably read about what’s believed to be Dylann Roof’s idiot manifesto, detailing all his insights into The Blacks and The Jews. It’s the usual loathsome pile of racist crap, but he does at least let us know where he got a lot of his ideas: from the Council of Conservative Citizens (CCC), the modern version of what used to be the “White Citizens Councils” of the ’50s and ’60s. And here’s a heck of a thing: Earl Holt, the leader of the racist group, has given buttloads of money to Republican candidates in the last few years, not that they agree with him, oh no no no, he’s despicable. But he has a checkbook. Read more on Charleston Killer’s Favorite Racist Gave A Bunch Of Money To Top Republicans, Oops…
  Profiles In Cowardice

GOP Candidates On Confederate Flag Ranked, From Yellow To Romney

Time to put that sucker out
You wouldn’t think calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the grounds of South Carolina’s state capitol would be a difficult thing to do, especially for those who believe they are bold and brave enough to be this nation’s next president. We’re not in the habit of honoring our enemies by flying their flags or building memorials to their fallen, after all, so it stands to reason that state-sanctioned deference to the traitors who declared war on the United States would be easily recognized as, well, un-American. Read more on GOP Candidates On Confederate Flag Ranked, From Yellow To Romney…
  Maybe it's a post-racial hate crime

Dylann Roof Confesses To Murdering 9 To Start Race War, Real Motive Still Unknown

Confederate flag plates just a coincidence
Perhaps now we can stop looking for some way to explain how a young white man murdering nine people in a black church — after telling his victims he was there to kill black people and “you have to go” — was not really about race: Read more on Dylann Roof Confesses To Murdering 9 To Start Race War, Real Motive Still Unknown…
  fuck off

Rick Santorum Worried Gays Won’t Let America Pray For Charleston Shooting Victims

Can't go wrong with the classics
Rick Santorum joined the chorus of wingnuts commenting Thursday on the senseless murders in Charleston, on the Joe Piscopo radio show, which is apparently a thing. Being Rick Santorum, he started out OK, but then suddenly stepped in a puddle of wingnut shit. Let’s words our way through his comments, to see how it all went so terribly wrong. Read more on Rick Santorum Worried Gays Won’t Let America Pray For Charleston Shooting Victims…
  take the no buttsex pledge today!

Here Are 50,443 Inspiring Americans Who Won’t Let Supreme Court Do Gay Stuff To Their Butts

Poor things.
The time is nigh, when the Supreme Court of the United States of America will likely find that there is a constitutional right to marriage equality, though court watchers don’t predict that they’ll make gay marriage a requirement for all Americans. But you’d think they were about to do that, the way anti-gay Jesus Americans are panicking, by nervously, fearfully pulling out their nipple hairs and issuing proclamations that NO! you cannot force gay marriage right down their throats, they’re gonna spit it out! Read more on Here Are 50,443 Inspiring Americans Who Won’t Let Supreme Court Do Gay Stuff To Their Butts…