Tag Archives: rick perry

  On the count of three everyone panic

Oh Good, Now All The People Want To Put The Tiny Brown Babies In Baby Jail

Nothing to fear except EVERYTHING
File this under No One Could Have Predicted: While members of Congress are on summer vacation, holding town halls so they can pretend to give a damn about what their constituents have to say, it seems some of those constituents are a tad miffed about this whole BORDER CRISIS!!!!! situation and what exactly Congress plans to do about that. Read more on Oh Good, Now All The People Want To Put The Tiny Brown Babies In Baby Jail…
  things that go bump in the night

Conservatives Cranking Terror Alert Level Up To OMG! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!

Wonketteers, we do not wish to alarm you about the threat from ISIS, but you should be SHITTING YOUR PANTS IN TERROR BECAUSE THEY ARE COMING FOR YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVERY LOVED. Or at least that seems to be the conservative talking point for the week after the tragic beheading of photojournalist James Foley by militants in Syria. Which is not to play down the insanity of ISIS at all; it is a vicious bunch of assholes. (Even Peggy Noonan was appropriately clear-eyed about the group in today’s column – pants-shitting terror has a way of sobering up even the most wasted of drunks.) But still, some of this might be a bit excessive. Read more on Conservatives Cranking Terror Alert Level Up To OMG! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!…
  He Can Still Carry His Sword We Guess

Sorry, Rick Perry, No Hand Cannon For You!

Yeeee Haaaa!
Indicted war criminal Rick Perry may face a fate far worse than lynching — he may face separation from his precious beloved guns! while he awaits a conclusion of the case against him. Or at least he’s had some of his precious gun rights limited, which is the same as burying the Second Amendment altogether. According to the Austin American-Statesman (paywalled, but you good Wonkers are WORTH 99 cents!), federal law specifies: Read more on Sorry, Rick Perry, No Hand Cannon For You!…
  rogues gallery

Here Is Your Rick Perry Mugshot And All The Other Great Ones Too

Tuesday was the day for Gov. Rick “Yosemite Sam” Perry to turn himself into the authorities for fingerprinting, mugshot-taking, and general merriment over the extremely thin felony charges he faces over defunding the Travis County Public Integrity Unit. Finally, we would have the answer to the question that has plagued us ever since the charges were announced: Glasses or No Glasses? As you can see above, Yosemite Rick went with No Glasses and a tight grimace that says “I can’t believe I have to put up with this shit,” like a businessman who got pulled over for a DUI after a couple too many bourbons at his Midland country club. Read more on Here Is Your Rick Perry Mugshot And All The Other Great Ones Too…
  Perry Coma

Wingnuts So Sad About Rick Perry Lynching. Not So Sad About Actual Lynching.

Poor Lt . Niedermeyer -- fragged by his own men!
Indicted War Criminal Rick Perry is expected to be fingerprinted and photographed today, but there was no arrest warrant, and so we will not be treated to the spectacle of Rick Perry in an orange jumpsuit, darn it. Nonetheless, the American Spectator tells us that what we are seeing right now is nothing less than The Lynching of Rick Perry, because for the first time in recorded history, we are witnessing “the criminalization of political disagreement,” after which Gov. Perry will presumably be dragged from jail his office and strung up from a tree like some piece of strange fruit. Read more on Wingnuts So Sad About Rick Perry Lynching. Not So Sad About Actual Lynching….
  Best oops yet

Rick Perry Indicted, Must Now Resign According to Rick Perry

Dear Jesus, please send a really good defense
Considering that the past week was basically terrible, awful, THE WORST EVER, it’s nice that we were treated to this delightful Friday night news dump that Gov. Rick Perry (R-Can’t Remember) is facing up to a century of prison time for “intentionally or knowingly” abusing the power of his office to do naughty things: Read more on Rick Perry Indicted, Must Now Resign According to Rick Perry…
  Baby It's Warm Outside

Mean Jimmy Carter Calls Climate Deniers ‘Nutcases,’ Ruining Chances Of Amicable Compromise

If gloabal warming is real, why did he wear a sweater???
Former President and solar water heater aficionado Jimmy Carter went to Aspen, Colorado, this week to accept a lifetime achievement award at the “American Renewable Energy Day summit.” (If he flew there in an airplane, be sure to call him a hypocrite.) There he said people who deny global warming are “nutcases,” prompting howls of outrage on the Right, we figure — they’re always howling and outraged, after all. Oh, yes, just checked Twitchy, and all nine of the fulltime staff were indeed very, very sad at the unfortunate tone taken by the former President. Read more on Mean Jimmy Carter Calls Climate Deniers ‘Nutcases,’ Ruining Chances Of Amicable Compromise…
  I Am Mad About A Thing

Rick Perry, President Of The United States Of Texas, Sending Troops To Fight Evil Brown Kids

Ugh, Rick Perry, you really are THE WORST. Texas Gov. Rick Perry plans to announce he will activate the Texas National Guard at a news conference Monday in Austin, said state Sen. Juan “Chuy” Hinojosa, D-McAllen. Hinojosa did not have details of the effort, but an internal memo from another state official’s office said the governor planned to call about 1,000 Texas National Guard troops to the Rio Grande Valley — at a cost of about $12 million per month. I can give you at least three good reasons why this is some seriously all kinds of Texas-sized bull feces. And I don’t even wear glasses. Read more on Rick Perry, President Of The United States Of Texas, Sending Troops To Fight Evil Brown Kids…
  he may feel a little discomfort

Rick Perry Appointee Jailed For Being A Creep

As a person who just got a broken molar fixed (just fine, thanks!), Yr Doktor Zoom is especially alert to the word “dentist” in news stories at the moment. And so our eyes opened up at this story from the Great State of Texas: A Central Texas dentist has been sentenced to 21 days in prison for taping a female employee changing in the office bathroom. Sixty-seven-year-old William Birdwell pleaded guilty Thursday in Bryan to improper visual recording. OK, eww. So maybe he knows dentistry, but apparently he’s also just creepy as all hell. There’s also a semi-political connection, since in 2009, Gov. Rick Perry appointed Birdwell to the Texas Board of Dental Examiners; he resigned that position when he was arrested back in May. Maybe that’s why Rick Perry was so frowny! Read more on Rick Perry Appointee Jailed For Being A Creep…
  department of projection

Here Is John Boehner Screaming About The President Like A Drunken Gorilla

Apparently, Mr. Speaker of the House of Representatives John Q. Boehner was very ANGRY today, at the “president,” Barack Obama. Barack Obama was in Texas yesterday, meeting with Rick Perry about the border children — as he should have all along — and then gave a little presser about their talk. It was constructive! he said. Governor Perry had some suggestions Bamz thinks should maybe be implemented! He will direct some guy to look into doing just that, possibly, could be! Well, at that same presser, Bamz bamsplained that he will not actually be able to do anything about the hurricane of children flooding over the levees concertina wire unless the House of Representatives, of which John Boehner is “speaker,” gives him some money to do the stuff. Will the House of Representatives give him money to do the stuff they are insisting he should do? Hahahaha not on your fucking life. And that is why John Boehner is screaming and yelling that the “president” has been “president” for five and a half years (ALAN), “when’s he gonna take responsibility for SOMETHING?” Read more on Here Is John Boehner Screaming About The President Like A Drunken Gorilla…
  put that thing away

Rick Perry Won’t Meet With That Obama Varmint, Unless’n He Does

Rick Perry ain’t gonna meet with no “president” of these here Yoonited States just to have a photo op-pur-tunity on the tarmac, no sir! If’n he meets the “president” it ain’t gonna be for huggin’ an’ smoochin’ like that ol’ pantywaist Chris Christie. No, he is gonna meet with the “president” for REAL only, sittin’ down as peers while Rick Perry splains the border, and Rick Perry is so adamant about this, he done made sure to release a statement about how he told the “president” to stick his photo opportunity where the sun don’t shine. (That would be “in Rick Perry’s butt,” Bob.) Well, the Daily Caller is here to make some happy in its pants about how a REAL MAN governs a state: with his finger in the “president’s” face while hootin’ and hollerin’ about how he ain’t gonna meet no varmints, no sir. Unless, after all the puffin’ and blowin’, well, unless he does. Read more on Rick Perry Won’t Meet With That Obama Varmint, Unless’n He Does…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Offers Therapy For Homophobic Texas GOP (Video)

Jon Stewart is all up on the weird move by the Texas Republican party to endorse “reparative therapy” for homosexxicans, even though the alleged therapy has been widely discredited. He also has fun with Rick Perry’s dumb idea that if alcoholics can overcome their addiction, then by golly, so can the gays. It’s really remarkably similar, after all. You know, says Stewart, it’s all about public safety: Read more on Jon Stewart Offers Therapy For Homophobic Texas GOP (Video)…
  Gay Is Not A Disease

Here Is How Homosexuality Is Different From Alcoholism

Talking brunette Ken doll Rick Perry said something great the other day: “I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way.” To put his remarks in context, context does not matter when you say a thing like this. But it occurs to me that maybe Rick Perry is just confused and going through a phase, and needs the light of Happy Nice Time People to show him The Way. Therefore, I’ve put together a quick primer for Rick Perry on how the glorious pageant that is homosexuality is actually very different from the tragic disease that is alcoholism. Read more on Here Is How Homosexuality Is Different From Alcoholism…
  oops

Rick Perry: ‘I Am A Huge Alcoholic. Therefore, Gays.’

Rick Perry is so smart now with his supersexxxy Clark Kent glasses. (Shut up, yes he is!) He is very intelligent now, and the reason you know he is all intellectual-like is he made an an-al-ogy about how homos puttin’ their wangs in each other’s no-no’s is just like bein’ a alcoholic. Like him! Rick Perry! “I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way.” Read more on Rick Perry: ‘I Am A Huge Alcoholic. Therefore, Gays.’…
  better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool part eleventy billion

A Children’s Treasury Of Conservatives Reacting To Cliven Bundy Stepping On His Own Dick

You know that guy out in the desert who made a whole bunch of crazy statements that upset the authorities and caused a confrontation with the man’s many supporters, and then later a whole bunch of those supporters turned around and publicly denied him while others clung to the belief that he was a prophet who spoke the truth about the issues of his times? Yeah, that guy. Today is a new day and yet the storm over him continues. Let’s racesplore. We had a gut-buster of a day in the Wonkette newsroom watching Cliven Bundy try to walk back his rather intemperate comments about African-Americans and whether they were better off as cotton-picking slaves, because it is 2014 and apparently there are some people for whom this issue is not yet settled. Some of Mr. Bundy’s biggest supporters continue to support him. Others have as of mid-afternoon Thursday remained quiet. Still others have backed away like a bunch of conservative squishes. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Conservatives Reacting To Cliven Bundy Stepping On His Own Dick…
  all goodhair no cattle

Rick Perry’s Cool Eyeglasses Make Him Look Smarter, Regrettably Do Not Protect Him From Grand Jury Investigation

It must be rough to be the Rickster this week. There have been ups, there have been downs and it’s only Monday. Politico reported on Perry’s very serious contender makeover à la Legally Blonde. As everyone knows, serious eyewear makes for a serious candidate. After recent media performances, where Perry didn’t forget what crucial government departments he would completely eradicate, Politico is back on board. Rick Perry is a political juggernaut. You guys, did you know that the Rickster had never lost an election until his complete meltdown dignified withdrawal from the 2012 Presidential primary?! In Texas. Where rich, middle age, white men with conservative values are so often discriminated against – just ask Rick Perry, he’s been challenged at every step. Read more on Rick Perry’s Cool Eyeglasses Make Him Look Smarter, Regrettably Do Not Protect Him From Grand Jury Investigation…
  and furthermore get off my lawn

Senator Dan Coats Embraces Stereotypes Of Olds By Showing Up At Wrong Hearing And Asking Questions Anyway

Ever had an old person walk up to you on the street and ask you a completely bizarre question, like, “Why do all the apples send moonbeams into your brain?” No? Well, doesn’t happen to us either. But at a Senate hearing yesterday, David Cohen, undersecretary of treasury for terrorism and financial intelligence, was testifying and had that kind of experience when Indiana’s Sen. Dan Coats decided to ask a question, per WaPo: After he’d finished a lengthy opening to his question, a staffer slipped Coats a piece of paper. Coats read it to himself, looked up, and said, “I just got a note saying I’m at the wrong hearing.” AFTER the question? Coats will never win the Most Observant Senator Award. And we bet that some staffer somewhere is getting an expletive-laden lesson in how not to be a fuck-up. Read more on Senator Dan Coats Embraces Stereotypes Of Olds By Showing Up At Wrong Hearing And Asking Questions Anyway…
  why do it if it doesn't restrict abortions?

Rick Perry Just Can’t Get Enough Prison Rape

Texas Gov. Rick Perry has advised the Department of Justice that Texas just can’t afford to comply with burdensome federal laws aimed at preventing prison rape, so the state just isn’t gonna, OK? Also, he’s going to tell other governors to ignore the law, too, because States’ Rights. He wrote to Attorney General Eric Holder last week to advise that Texas is just not going to implement parts of the Prison Rape Elimination Act (PREA), which was rammed down the nation’s throat in 2003 by George W. Bush, but is probably Obama’s fault anyway. “Washington has taken an opportunity to help address a problem in our prisons and jails, but instead created a counterproductive and unnecessarily cumbersome regulatory mess for the states,” Perry wrote in the letter. “Absent standards that acknowledge the operational realities of our prisons and jails, I will not sign your form (certifying compliance with the act) and I will encourage my fellow governors to follow suit.” You see, it’s not that Perry is in favor of prison rape, just that he doesn’t think Texas should have to comply with a bunch of Washington bureaucrats’ rules when Texas already has its own anti-rape policies and procedures that work just fine, maybe. Read more on Rick Perry Just Can’t Get Enough Prison Rape…
  blowvember comes early this year

Virginia Laws Against Anal, Oral Sex Go Down, And Now You Can Too!

Virginia is now really, truly for lovers. And not just the boring penis-in-vagina kind of lovers, but now you can put your naughty bits in whatever orifice you would like, even in the butt! Per WaPo: More than a decade after the Supreme Court declared such bans unconstitutional, Virginia lawmakers have taken a ban on oral and anal sex out of the state code. Congrats, Virginia! Welcome to life in post-Puritan America. We look forward to cops high-fiving Larry Craig blowing Rick Santorum’s brains out in the men’s room of Dulles airport.  Read more on Virginia Laws Against Anal, Oral Sex Go Down, And Now You Can Too!…
  giddy-up cowboy

Nice Time: Texas Judge Seeks To Cram Gay Marriage Down Rick Perry’s Throat

If everything is bigger in Texas, then we can’t wait to attend a big ol’ Texas-sized Gay Wedding. And pretty soon that could happen, per the NYT: A federal judge in Texas struck down the state’s ban on same-sex marriage on Wednesday, ruling that the laws restricting marriage to a man and a woman violated the United States Constitution and handing gay-rights advocates a major legal victory in one of the nation’s biggest and most conservative states. Given that Texas joins the likes of Utah, Virginia, Oklahoma, Kentucky*, and New Mexico in overturning anti-gay marriage statutes, this is almost becoming a ‘dog bites man’ story. In any case, we hope that there were all sorts of unnatural celebrations culminating in gayed up reverse cowboy positions all over the Lone Star State.  Read more on Nice Time: Texas Judge Seeks To Cram Gay Marriage Down Rick Perry’s Throat…