Tag: rick perry

Sad Jebbers is sadness.

Iowa Plays F*ck, Marry, Kill With The Republicans. (Spoiler: Jeb Dies)

So, what's really going on with the Republicans? Scott Walker -- who ALL THE THINKY HEADS used to say was going to be first runner-up to the presidency (behind Hillary Clinton, obviously), even though we TOLD YOU that was never going...

Bobby Jindal Cool With Muslim President, As Long As He’s Christian

Did you know Louisiana Gov. Bobby "No Hyphens" Jindal is still running for president? Yeah, neither did we, but he is. (Though not for long, we are guessing, on account of how LOL, nobody likes him. Literally, nobody.) Anyway, now...
Hey, that's Donald Trump's line!

Let’s Make Sex To Ronald Reagan’s Ghost With The GOP Candidates! Your Debate Preview.

It's time again! It's been over a month since the last time the Republican candidates met up to cry in unison about how they're all losing to Donald Trump, because they all suck. Donald Trump sucks too, but he's...

Ronald Reagan’s Ghost Tells GOP Candidates To Quit Trashing His Shining City On A Hill

So once upon a time, there was this guy, Ronald Reagan, maybe you have heard of him. He was kind of a dick, with his wars on drugs and poor people, and his secret deals to arm our supposed...
I wanna see you be brave

Rick Perry’s Dreams Of Presidenting Just Died, Bye Rick Perry’s Dreams!

So. Someone finally had The Talk with Rick Perry about how it is time, like a broken clock that is right once a day, to go to the nice farm upstate, with the other also-ran losers of elections past....
I CAN SAY TERRISM YET?

Fox News Has Thoughts On Kim Davis. They Are Strangely Interesting Thoughts!

So, the other day, we showed you a video of a nice panel discussion on the Fox News, about how Kentucky clerk Kim Davis's lawyer Mat Staver is "ridiculously stupid," and we remarked that when a wingnut has lost...

RIP Rick Perry’s Presidential Campaign, Again

It is time, once more, as it is nearly every day these days, to observe the long-standing tradition, dating back to about a month ago, of pouring one out for Rick Perry's presidential campaign. He ran all out of money, you...
She doesn't hate the gays. Really.

Hey Everybody, Where’s Kim Davis? Oh That’s Right, She’s In Jail! Your Weekly Top Ten.

Oh hello, Wonkers, and how is your holiday weekend going? Are you ZZZZZZZing like we are, or are you playing croquet with the king of Spain or something glamorous like that? Well take a break, because it's time for...

Let’s All Get Drunk For Three Days, For ‘Unions’ Or Whatever

Hoo boy howdy yee haw, what a week, right? RIGHT?! We persecuted some Christians and threw them in jail -- well, just the one, for now, but BEWARE CHRISTIANS, WE ARE COMING FOR ALL OF YOU. And we laughed and...

Rick Perry: Even Dumber Than You Thought. No, Even Dumber. No, Even DUMBER.

We're just going to keep begging for someone -- anyone, please, anyone at all -- to make it stop for poor, dumb BUT LIKE REALLY DUMB Rick Perry. Please. See, on Thursday afternoon, Donald J. Trump, of the Donald J....

Someone Please Put Rick Perry Out Of His Misery And Tell Him It’s Over

Look, at this point it is just mean to let Rick Perry keep runnin' around like he's a presidential candidate, when we all of us who aren't Rick Perry know better. And that includes his unpaid volunteers, what's left...

Rick Perry Thinks He’s Jesus, Hopes To Also Come Back From The Dead

Ladies and other people, check out how sad-emoji this is. Rick Perry, whose presidential campaign obituary we already wrote, and then we wrote again, apparently wants us to do it a third time, because he just really likes that number,...
Perry seems to have better technique

More Than Corndog Fellatio Pics: The Iowa State Fair, Wonksplained

Every few years, we are #blessed with photos of politicians deep-throating a corndog at Iowa’s state fair. But did you know that there is more to the Iowa State Fair than hot politician-on-food pics? There's enough meat-on-sticks to make...

GOP Losers So Mad At GOP For Treating Them Like Losers

Oh, look at these poor little cry babies, all in need of a nap: Two weeks after the first Republican presidential debate in Cleveland, several candidates scraping the bottom of primary polls are still seething about their treatment — and...

Poor Dumb Rick Perry Thinks He’s Still Running For President

Hey, why is Rick Perry's purty mouth still flapping on our television screens? Didn't we already write the RIP for his presidential Hopes-n-Dreams, on account of how he is all out of dollars American? We did! But it would seem...

We Are Sorry, Mr. Trump, We Really Thought You Were Joking

It seems we, Yr Wonkette, owe one Mister Donald J. Trump an apology. For months -- nay, years -- we have mocked Mr. Trump's presidential aspirations as "fake." When he formed an exploratory committee in March, we smugly pronounced...