Tag: rick perry

Rick Perry Not Willing To Be GOP’s Third Thing

As we inch ever closer to White Riot 2016 (hellllooooo Cleveland!), Republicans are sweating balls and bullets and gross glops of GOP sweat to figure out how to stop Donald Trump from Trumping them right in their smug little...

Texas Tosses Rick Perry’s Criminal Charges, Still Won’t Help Him Win White House

Rick Perry, you remember that guy, right? Former Texas governor, former presidential candidate, former ... oops, we forgot the third thing. (See? That joke never gets old. NEVER.) In 2014, Perry was indicted for doing a whole Texas-size mess of two felonies:...

Liveblogging The Epic Battle For Better Than Last Place In New Hampshire Primary

Hello New Hampshire! Y'all done voting early and often for the guy or the other guy or the lady guy or the other lady guy or that punchy-faced pouty-assed Canadian? Oh, probably not him. Cool. We cannot wait to find out which...

Fox News Outraged Planned Parenthood Witch Hunt Burning Wrong Witches

Sure is tough to be a rightwing "pro-life" full-of-bull propaganda machine these days. On Monday, we learned the sleazy jizz rags behind the "gotcha" videos of Planned Parenthood doing "crimes" to "baby parts" have been indicted in Houston, Texas, for being...

Secessionist Rick Perry Endorses Canadian Ted Cruz For President Of Who Even Knows Where

Yee haw, hoo boy, and ... and ... oops, we forgot the third one. Ted Cruz, the moldy butter tart from Calgary, just received the coveted endorsement from a secession-sympathizing indicted ex-governor whose name is synonymous (still!) with LOL...

The Year In Loser Governors Failing To Become President, Like A Bunch Of Losers

With so many current and former governors trying and failing to become president, Wonkette thought it would be a good idea to put together a handy explainer to remind you of all the ones you done unremembered. Also worth noting:...

For Real I Would Bang John Boehner: A Sexxxifesto

I come not to bury John Boehner, but to talk about the dirty, nasty things I would do to his drunken old cry-body that you know smells like geologic layers of nicotine sweating some really nice wine. "Gross," you...
Sad Jebbers is sadness.

Iowa Plays F*ck, Marry, Kill With The Republicans. (Spoiler: Jeb Dies)

So, what's really going on with the Republicans? Scott Walker -- who ALL THE THINKY HEADS used to say was going to be first runner-up to the presidency (behind Hillary Clinton, obviously), even though we TOLD YOU that was never going...

Bobby Jindal Cool With Muslim President, As Long As He’s Christian

Did you know Louisiana Gov. Bobby "No Hyphens" Jindal is still running for president? Yeah, neither did we, but he is. (Though not for long, we are guessing, on account of how LOL, nobody likes him. Literally, nobody.) Anyway, now...
Hey, that's Donald Trump's line!

Let’s Make Sex To Ronald Reagan’s Ghost With The GOP Candidates! Your Debate Preview.

It's time again! It's been over a month since the last time the Republican candidates met up to cry in unison about how they're all losing to Donald Trump, because they all suck. Donald Trump sucks too, but he's...

Ronald Reagan’s Ghost Tells GOP Candidates To Quit Trashing His Shining City On A Hill

So once upon a time, there was this guy, Ronald Reagan, maybe you have heard of him. He was kind of a dick, with his wars on drugs and poor people, and his secret deals to arm our supposed...
I wanna see you be brave

Rick Perry’s Dreams Of Presidenting Just Died, Bye Rick Perry’s Dreams!

So. Someone finally had The Talk with Rick Perry about how it is time, like a broken clock that is right once a day, to go to the nice farm upstate, with the other also-ran losers of elections past....
I CAN SAY TERRISM YET?

Fox News Has Thoughts On Kim Davis. They Are Strangely Interesting Thoughts!

So, the other day, we showed you a video of a nice panel discussion on the Fox News, about how Kentucky clerk Kim Davis's lawyer Mat Staver is "ridiculously stupid," and we remarked that when a wingnut has lost...

RIP Rick Perry’s Presidential Campaign, Again

It is time, once more, as it is nearly every day these days, to observe the long-standing tradition, dating back to about a month ago, of pouring one out for Rick Perry's presidential campaign. He ran all out of money, you...
She doesn't hate the gays. Really.

Hey Everybody, Where’s Kim Davis? Oh That’s Right, She’s In Jail! Your Weekly Top Ten.

Oh hello, Wonkers, and how is your holiday weekend going? Are you ZZZZZZZing like we are, or are you playing croquet with the king of Spain or something glamorous like that? Well take a break, because it's time for...

Let’s All Get Drunk For Three Days, For ‘Unions’ Or Whatever

Hoo boy howdy yee haw, what a week, right? RIGHT?! We persecuted some Christians and threw them in jail -- well, just the one, for now, but BEWARE CHRISTIANS, WE ARE COMING FOR ALL OF YOU. And we laughed and...