Tag Archives: rick perry

  Perry/God 2016!

Glenn Beck Says Texas Flooded Because Rick Perry Is Just Too Darned Good At Prayin’

For a limited time only, we’re going to agree with Glenn Beck, on a thing, and yes, we promise to never do it again. See, during a recent episode of the “show” he “broadcasts” on the interweb, from some basement somewhere, Beck and his buddies — whom we assume he met at broken-brain rehab — said it’s indicted former Gov. Rick Perry’s fault that Texas is all covered up with water, and more than two dozen people have died, with several more still missing. And you know what? We’re OK with blaming all that death and destruction on Rick Perry, because fuck that guy right in his yee haw.   Read more on Glenn Beck Says Texas Flooded Because Rick Perry Is Just Too Darned Good At Prayin’…
  Wonkette makes photo gallery like Buzzfeed

Josh Duggar Touches GOP Presidential Candidates With Same Hands What Touched His Sisters

Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross.
Josh Duggar and the entire Duggar clan are Family Values People. They believe in things like Traditional Marriage and No Trannies In The Little Girls’ Room, because apparently that’s more dangerous than Josh Duggar In The Little Girls’ Room. The family’s record of open wingnuttery and anti-gay/anti-trans hate landed young Joshua a sweet position with the Family Research Council hate group, which is headed up by Tony Perkins, who started his career off by purchasing David Duke’s mailing list. Yes, THAT David Duke. Read more on Josh Duggar Touches GOP Presidential Candidates With Same Hands What Touched His Sisters…
  Trust no 1

Shhhh, Texas, Everything Will Be Fine When Rick Perry Is President

Sometimes he likes to imagine being president
Have you noticed how perfectly reasonable people who used to wave flags and heart America and scream things like “LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, TRAITOR!” have suddenly, for no reason whatsoever, become suspicious of their government, just because the president is black and not-so-secretly wants to destroy us with terrorism and subsidized healthcare? Read more on Shhhh, Texas, Everything Will Be Fine When Rick Perry Is President…
  department of gotcha questions

Republican Candidates Agree: The Best Living President Is Ronald Reagan’s Rotting Corpse

It would seem that getting stumped by really simple questions isn’t a problem limited to Jeb Bush being A Idiot. ALL the 2016 Republican candidates are doing it! CNN’s Chris Moody traveled to the South Carolina Freedom Summit, where all the wingnut hopefuls were gathered, and he had one tough gotcha question: “Who’s the best living president?” The hilariously pitiful answer, from all the candidates? NONE OF THEM, KATIE, and also Ronald Reagan’s decomposed bones. No, really, these are their answers: Read more on Republican Candidates Agree: The Best Living President Is Ronald Reagan’s Rotting Corpse…
  no

Did Jeb Bush Personally Film Hardcore Porn Flicks As Florida Governor?

Shield your eyes!
Made you look. But here is an interesting thing that is coming back up, now that Jeb Bush is one of the Republicans likely to lose to Hillary Clinton in 2016. Did you know that, while Bush was governor of Florida, his administration used retirees’ pension money to invest in ALL THE PORN? It’s true, if by “all the porn,” you mean Florida’s State Board Of Administration invested money in a fund that, among other things, included a company called Movie Gallery, which went bankrupt in 2010, but at one time was one of the biggest movie rental companies in the United States. And wouldn’t you know it? Movie Gallery sold some porn, therefore Jeb Bush has COMPLETELY betrayed his social conservative constituents, who have never, ever seen porn in their entire lives, down in the basement, after their wives were in bed: Read more on Did Jeb Bush Personally Film Hardcore Porn Flicks As Florida Governor?…
  Here have some news n stuff

Marvel CEO Thinks Girl Superheroes Can Eat It

No one wants to watch, eh?
Women ruin everything, what with being women, as women do, but it’s not just limited to everything. They ruin otherwise perfectly good movies about superheroes too. Ugh! According to an email from Marvel CEO Ike Perlmutter (a man) sent to Sony CEO Michael Lynton (also a man), there is ample evidence that movies about girl superheroes are total FAILS, no need to even bother making those anymore: Read more on Marvel CEO Thinks Girl Superheroes Can Eat It…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: This One’s About Vaccines And Vaginas!

Vacation plan: Clean apartment, finish reading that Twain biography. Vacation reality: Booze & MLP fanfic
Oh, Wonkers, we have some beautiful deletia for you this week! Looks to us like some people have really been working overtime in the Derp Mines to bring us this fine assortment of stupidity. For starters, we have this thought-provoking bit of turnabout from “John Smith” (Real name: “Bob Johnson”), who understands that Bobby Jindal just wants to protect Liberty from the homos. Just think about this — would you libs really be so hot on forcing Christians to provide services to gay people if it also meant that gay people would have to serve people with whom they have traditionally been at Culture War? Read more on Deleted Comments: This One’s About Vaccines And Vaginas!…
  Extra crazy Florida Man for president

You Won’t Be Laughing When God Makes Koran-Burning Preacherman President, Muslims!

For a minute there we were worried that next year’s presidential race would be impossibly dull, which would be Bad for Yr Wonkette. Sure, Rick Santorum and Carly Fiorina and Rand Paul and Ted Cruz and Ben Carson and Rick Perry and Marco Rubio and Bobby Jindal and whoever the fuck else has joined the Republican clown car this week are Good for Comedy, which is Good for Yr Wonkette, but we all know Jeb Bush will be anointed by His Daddy’s Rich Friends sooner or later, and he will speak Hispanic at us and then he will win and we’ll begin bombing something in the Middle East, which is a Bush family tradition, hooray! Read more on You Won’t Be Laughing When God Makes Koran-Burning Preacherman President, Muslims!…
  lighten up francis

Traitor Republicans: Can’t Obama And Iran Take A Joke?

Hmm, yeah, still not funny
Oh, those Republicans, just jokin’ around all the time about how President Obama was born in Kenya (still fresh!) and reads his speeches from TelePrompters (that never gets old!) and is not going to be president forever, so Iran should not even bother negotiating its nuclear program with this particular lame duck White House. Read more on Traitor Republicans: Can’t Obama And Iran Take A Joke?…
  Who's oopsing now huh?

Rick Perry Remembers All Three Of His Points, Totally Ready To Be President Now

Nailed it! Finally!
Another day at the derpapalooza that is the Conservative Political Action Conference, and Rick Perry did A Accomplishment, y’all! He walked out on that stage Friday morning, declared “On three points, we must be clear,” and proceeded to read ALL THREE POINTS from the TelePrompter without saying “oops!” even once. Suck it, you other Republicans running for president in 2016! You’re not dealing with the 2012 candidate hopped up on pain pills anymore. This is the new and improved lean, mean, INDICTED glasses-wearing machine who is ready to kick some ass and take some names in the next Republican presidential primary. Yee haw! Read more on Rick Perry Remembers All Three Of His Points, Totally Ready To Be President Now…
  Have some more oops

Rick Perry Apparently Serious About Trying To Be President Again

You’d think, given the spectacular FAIL that was the presidential campaign of the now former but still indicted Texas governor, Rick Perry might want to reconsider another attempt at the White House. But nope! Yee haw, he is going to do this thing again, because he sure as heck didn’t buy those smart glasses for nothin’. Read more on Rick Perry Apparently Serious About Trying To Be President Again…
  Poor people's desires are...unconventional

Rick Perry: Poor Texans Love Not Having Health Insurance, It Is Their Hobby

haha, I have health care and you don't
In terms of health insurance coverage rates, Texas is the worst. Literally! Depending on the data you look at, between 20 and 22 percent of its total population lacks health insurance. That is terrible for those approximately one million very poor Texans who don’t have any health insurance, plus another few million moderately poor who also don’t have it. But fortunately, those poors have a former Republican governor named Rick Perry who really likes to travel to Iowa and New Hampshire and talk to the media, as you do when you’re gunning to be a two-time presidential nomination loser. Rick Perry would like you to know that Texans are actually delighted to be uninsured. Read more on Rick Perry: Poor Texans Love Not Having Health Insurance, It Is Their Hobby…
  Fighting Cancer Not Nearly As Sexy As You Feared

Study Shows HPV Vaccine Will Not Turn Your Daughters Into Whores

Are your brains melting yet, Mommy? Are they? Now, about that pony...
A new obviously fake study published in some bogus “medical” “journal” called the Journal of the American Medical Association or whatever claims that vaccinating girls against the human papillomavirus so they do not get cervical cancer and die from it will not cause them to immediately rush out and do a bunch of unsafe sex and turn into sluts. Read more on Study Shows HPV Vaccine Will Not Turn Your Daughters Into Whores…
  Cool trend bro

Let’s Thank Rick Perry For Giving Anti-Vaxxers The Freedom To Give Our Kids Measles

Sometimes he likes to imagine being president
Oh, swell, it’s another reason to dislike former Texas Gov. Rick Perry. In addition to being a jerkhole in general, with a fetish for executin’ in the name of the law and denying health care to ladies in the name of the lord, we can thank him for empowering anti-vaxxers to be all, “I do not want to protect my child from diseases, AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!” Thanks, Rick. Read more on Let’s Thank Rick Perry For Giving Anti-Vaxxers The Freedom To Give Our Kids Measles…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Meet The Prophet Lady From Bobby Jindal’s Prayer-A-Palooza

Can you say for sure that Don't Ask Don't Tell *didn't* cause freak bird deaths in Arkansas?
Rachel Maddow Show led off Friday’s show with an unforgettable look at Cindy Jacobs, the self-proclaimed Texas prophet who God regularly warns about any number of tragedies — mass shootings, political coups, and so on — which she then prevents or at least reduces the severity of through the power of prayer. Wonkette readers may recall that Ms. Jacobs successfully headed off an assassination attempt against Ronald Reagan (it was just a different one from Hinkley’s), because her son had a tummyache. She was only the most flamboyant of several wingnutty faith healers and snake handlers (OK, not literally) headlining Bobby Jindal’s Great Big Prayer rally in Louisiana this weekend; the event was a pretty direct retread of a similar rally held by Rick Perry four years ago, and the early versions of its publicity materials even referred to “recent” events like Hurricane Katrina. Read more on Morning Maddow: Meet The Prophet Lady From Bobby Jindal’s Prayer-A-Palooza…