rick perry
Rick Perry Line-Item Vetoes Funding For Public Integrity Unit Because Some Lady Got A DWI, Makes Sense To Us
So you see, Texas has this thing called a Public Integrity Unit, which is supposed to ride herd on public officials’ ethics and spending and stuff. Except now it doesn’t do anything, because Gov. Rick Perry used his line-item veto to eliminate funding for the Unit after the “some lady” in our headline, Travis County [...]
Rick Perry OUTRAGED!!!! About Benghazi, Can’t Find It On A Map
Hey, kids, remember that poll from way back in May that showed just how are-you-freakin’-kidding-us stupid Republicans are? Oh, sorry, there are so many polls like that. We will have to be more specific. We mean this poll about Dumbshit-Americans who are super duper OUTRAGED!!!! about Benghazi, but, um, well: One interesting thing about the [...]
Rick Perry’s Sweet Seduction Secrets: Treat Your Ladies Right By Paying Them Less
Remember how we watched the super special spectacular flameout of Rick Perry’s presidential campaign, complete with an utter inability to remember which government agencies he wanted to annihilate? That was some must-see TV right there. In between our gales of laughter at the hapless head of hair that is Rick Perry, we were also very [...]
Butthurt Christians Oppressed By Sports Thing That Never Happened
You know what’s outrageous? The way that Christians are constantly being oppressed in this country! Like for instance how a high school track team in Texas had its win taken away and was disqualified from going to the state championship, all because the winning runner in the 4X100 meter relay, Christian athlete Derrick Hayes, pointed [...]
Jerry Brown Toilet-Talks Rick Perry: Your Anti-Cali Ad Is ‘Barely A Fart’
Rick Perry’s got a plan, y’all! An eeeevil plan, based on stealing all the businesses out of California and bringing them to Texas — because hell, you can do whatever you want in Texas! (Except have decent textbooks.) Rick is obviously aiming to be the Mexico-adjacent-Mexico inside the US for all of businesses everywhere — [...]
Rick Perry Totally Going To Fight Satan Now
Demented pill addict and mannequin afficionado Rick Perry, who is still Governor of the State of Texas for reasons that modern science cannot explain, would still like to be Commander in Chief of something, even if it’s not the United States. In a teleconference with wingnut pastor Rick Scarborough, Perry called on “Christian warriors” to [...]
Yeah Rick Perry Will Spend $25 Million Renovating Governor’s Mansion, Wanna Make Something Of It?
What up, Tejas? Oh, your health care system is the worst in the country, you rank 51st in the attainment of high school diplomas, and Rick Perry has just chopped $8 billion from education and Medicaid? (You know, in addition to turning down that free Medicaid from the feds, because federal money has syphilis?) Well, [...]
Rick Perry Saves Poor Texans from Scourge of Medical Care
Opiate-devouring Texas Gov. Rick Perry is joining his friends Bobby, Scott, Nikki, and Bat Boy in choosing to reject the federal government’s Medicaid expansion. He can do this thanks to the Supreme Court handiwork of Burkean minimalist St. John Roberts, whom all liberals must love and respect eternally for only gutting half of Obamacare for [...]
Rick Perry: Hopped Up On Pain Pills, Singing In The Bathroom
Remember how Rick Perry was insane during debates? Yeah, he was on painkillers all the time — supposedly because of his bad back, but did you also know that painkillers are really fun? Anyway, this is why he would fall asleep during the second half of every debate. And according to a new POLITICO EBOOK [...]
Obama Steps to Texas, To Be Blamed for Lack of Women’s Clinics in 3 … 2 … 1
Texas has been havin’ itself a little fun this week the way it usually likes to have fun: by dragging Planned Parenthood behind its pickup truck, until it is dead. But whoops, it seems their new law outlawing Texas Medicaid’s Women’s Health Program participation in any women’s clinic that is tied to abortion is against [...]
We Must All Pray To Allah For A Gingrich-Perry Dream Ticket
Fox News’ Carl Cameron reported an EXCLUSIVE (MUST CREDIT DERRICK BELL) story yesterday about the possibility of Newt Gingrich “forming a predetermined ticket with Perry [that] will unite the evangelical, Tea Party and very conservative voters” and allow them to win the nomination at the convention. Both Gingrich and Perry’s people are publicly denying that [...]
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