Tag Archives: rick perry

  lighten up francis

Traitor Republicans: Can’t Obama And Iran Take A Joke?

Hmm, yeah, still not funny
Oh, those Republicans, just jokin’ around all the time about how President Obama was born in Kenya (still fresh!) and reads his speeches from TelePrompters (that never gets old!) and is not going to be president forever, so Iran should not even bother negotiating its nuclear program with this particular lame duck White House. Read more on Traitor Republicans: Can’t Obama And Iran Take A Joke?…
  Who's oopsing now huh?

Rick Perry Remembers All Three Of His Points, Totally Ready To Be President Now

Nailed it! Finally!
Another day at the derpapalooza that is the Conservative Political Action Conference, and Rick Perry did A Accomplishment, y’all! He walked out on that stage Friday morning, declared “On three points, we must be clear,” and proceeded to read ALL THREE POINTS from the TelePrompter without saying “oops!” even once. Suck it, you other Republicans running for president in 2016! You’re not dealing with the 2012 candidate hopped up on pain pills anymore. This is the new and improved lean, mean, INDICTED glasses-wearing machine who is ready to kick some ass and take some names in the next Republican presidential primary. Yee haw! Read more on Rick Perry Remembers All Three Of His Points, Totally Ready To Be President Now…
  Have some more oops

Rick Perry Apparently Serious About Trying To Be President Again

You’d think, given the spectacular FAIL that was the presidential campaign of the now former but still indicted Texas governor, Rick Perry might want to reconsider another attempt at the White House. But nope! Yee haw, he is going to do this thing again, because he sure as heck didn’t buy those smart glasses for nothin’. Read more on Rick Perry Apparently Serious About Trying To Be President Again…
  Poor people's desires are...unconventional

Rick Perry: Poor Texans Love Not Having Health Insurance, It Is Their Hobby

haha, I have health care and you don't
In terms of health insurance coverage rates, Texas is the worst. Literally! Depending on the data you look at, between 20 and 22 percent of its total population lacks health insurance. That is terrible for those approximately one million very poor Texans who don’t have any health insurance, plus another few million moderately poor who also don’t have it. But fortunately, those poors have a former Republican governor named Rick Perry who really likes to travel to Iowa and New Hampshire and talk to the media, as you do when you’re gunning to be a two-time presidential nomination loser. Rick Perry would like you to know that Texans are actually delighted to be uninsured. Read more on Rick Perry: Poor Texans Love Not Having Health Insurance, It Is Their Hobby…
  Fighting Cancer Not Nearly As Sexy As You Feared

Study Shows HPV Vaccine Will Not Turn Your Daughters Into Whores

OK Mommy, this time I'll be the doctor and YOU be the junior high slut!
A new obviously fake study published in some bogus “medical” “journal” called the Journal of the American Medical Association or whatever claims that vaccinating girls against the human papillomavirus so they do not get cervical cancer and die from it will not cause them to immediately rush out and do a bunch of unsafe sex and turn into sluts. Read more on Study Shows HPV Vaccine Will Not Turn Your Daughters Into Whores…
  Cool trend bro

Let’s Thank Rick Perry For Giving Anti-Vaxxers The Freedom To Give Our Kids Measles

Oops again
Oh, swell, it’s another reason to dislike former Texas Gov. Rick Perry. In addition to being a jerkhole in general, with a fetish for executin’ in the name of the law and denying health care to ladies in the name of the lord, we can thank him for empowering anti-vaxxers to be all, “I do not want to protect my child from diseases, AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!” Thanks, Rick. Read more on Let’s Thank Rick Perry For Giving Anti-Vaxxers The Freedom To Give Our Kids Measles…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Meet The Prophet Lady From Bobby Jindal’s Prayer-A-Palooza

Can you say for sure that Don't Ask Don't Tell *didn't* cause freak bird deaths in Arkansas?
Rachel Maddow Show led off Friday’s show with an unforgettable look at Cindy Jacobs, the self-proclaimed Texas prophet who God regularly warns about any number of tragedies — mass shootings, political coups, and so on — which she then prevents or at least reduces the severity of through the power of prayer. Wonkette readers may recall that Ms. Jacobs successfully headed off an assassination attempt against Ronald Reagan (it was just a different one from Hinkley’s), because her son had a tummyache. She was only the most flamboyant of several wingnutty faith healers and snake handlers (OK, not literally) headlining Bobby Jindal’s Great Big Prayer rally in Louisiana this weekend; the event was a pretty direct retread of a similar rally held by Rick Perry four years ago, and the early versions of its publicity materials even referred to “recent” events like Hurricane Katrina. Read more on Morning Maddow: Meet The Prophet Lady From Bobby Jindal’s Prayer-A-Palooza…
  It's the Derp-Derpiest Time Of The Year

Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place

Bachmann kept trying to get the Riddler into Conversion Therapy
Oh, dear lord, Iowa is going to be like a superdense mass of Dumb this weekend, as Rep. Steve King and Citizens United host the “Iowa Freedom Summit” — kind of a Moronic Convergence of rightwing political hacks all coming together to hang out with the man who proclaimed that DREAM Act kids were mostly “drug mules with thighs calves the size of cantaloupes” [how quickly we forget!] and who fretted about the president hosting a “deportable” at the State of the Union. Read more on Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place…
 

How Dumb Is My State? (Very Dumb): Your Florida Roundup

rick scott
Florida? Floriduh, am I right? (I am right.) Greeting, Wonketeers, from the Sunshine State, aka everyone’s favorite phallus, aka America’s after-school special, home to Viagra-fueled, syphilitic octogenarians and Midwest transplants and New York Jews and Cuban ex-pats and megachurches and Key West buttsexxxers and hanging chads and gun-toting rednecks and snowbirds and face-eating zombie men and maybe-rapey sportsball stars and failing schools and theme parks and charlatans and beaches and George-motherfucking-Zimmerman, all governed by a twice-elected con artist who looks like this guy and wants to be this guy. Read more on How Dumb Is My State? (Very Dumb): Your Florida Roundup…
  Menorah Tea Report

Rick Perry Thinks Jews Did The Boston Tea Party. Merry Passover, The Jews!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, when Bible-humping politicians who can’t wait for baby Jesus to come back and murder all the sinners hope all their Jew friends have a very merry Jewish Christmas. It’s an ancient tradition that dates back at least to 2001, when George Dubya Bush — a big friend of the “Jews” who accept Jesus as their personal savior — thoughtfully observed, “I couldn’t imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah, or the joy of Christmas, or celebrating peace and hope.” Read more on Rick Perry Thinks Jews Did The Boston Tea Party. Merry Passover, The Jews!…
  same as it ever was

Bobby Jindal Sorry God Had To Punish Gays With All Those Tornadoes

Which Bobby is he today?
Louisiana Gov. and would-be Republican presidential candidate Bobby Jindal is getting ready for a great big prayer rally in January, featuring a whole bunch of top-flight fundagelicals who also showed up at Rick Perry’s major Pray-a-Palooza in 2011. Among the Fun Dementalists attending will be anti-gay activist David Lane and Doug Stringer, who organized Rick Perry’s event a few years back. (Right Wing Watch points out that Mr. Stringer likes to call himself an “apostle” and once explained that God did 9/11 because America stopped believing in Him.) Read more on Bobby Jindal Sorry God Had To Punish Gays With All Those Tornadoes…
  Here have some news n stuff

Rick Perry Sure Is Glad You Don’t Have To Be Smart To Be President

Oops ad infinitum
Gosh, Gov. Rick Perry (R-Indicted) sure is eager to convince us that he is SO ready to run for president in 2016. He’s been practicing his counting and his ABCs, and he’s got those glasses, and he’s stopped popping pain pills, and this time, America, this time, we won’t be laughing our asses off forever and ever and some-other-word-we-can’t-remember-what about the comedy gold that was Perry’s last attempt to win the White House. And golly gee whiz, he sure is off to a good start: Read more on Rick Perry Sure Is Glad You Don’t Have To Be Smart To Be President…
  Here have some news n stuff

Congress Sort Of Has A Deal To Keep Government Open Maybe

He'll take the help, but it's gonna hurt
With the clock ticking toward Thursday, when our U.S. of America government will be officially out of pocket change and out of business, the do-nothing layabouts in Congress have maybe cobbled together a deal to avoid that. Hooray, end-of-year bonuses for all of you, for doing such a good job at doing your jobs! Especially you, Speaker John Boehner, for agreeing to suck it up and beg the Democrats to take pity on you by giving you a hand. Read more on Congress Sort Of Has A Deal To Keep Government Open Maybe…
  Deny Of The Needle

Rick Perry Can’t Execute Mentally Ill Convict Just Yet

He thinks he's being executed to stop him from preaching the Gospel
In a fit of temporary sanity, the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals has issued a stay of execution for Scott Panetti, the severely mentally ill murderer whose execution was supposed to have been prevented by a 2007 Supreme Court decision holding that states cannot execute people who are so mentally ill that they are “unaware of the punishment they’re about to suffer and why they are to suffer it.” It was a pretty good ruling, except that Texas turned right around and determined, possibly by examining chicken entrails and signs in the night sky, that Panetti was actually perfectly sane, and that he’d faked his entire history of mental illness (first diagnosed in 1978) in an attempt to escape capital punishment for the 1992 murders of his in-laws. Read more on Rick Perry Can’t Execute Mentally Ill Convict Just Yet…
  The Incredible Gurney

Conservatives Oppose Executing Mentally Ill Texas Man, For Good Of Death Penalty

We have to be civilized about this
Here’s a story for your “Wait, conservative Christians said what?” files. Back in October, we mentioned the case of Scott Pannetti, a Texas inmate who is severely schizophrenic and believes he had to kill his in-laws as part of his ongoing battle against Satan. Texas authorities believe he has been faking mental illness — not just at the time of the 1992 murders, but all his life, apparently. The case is a typical Texas fuck-tussle of injustice, complete with a “mental health evaluation” by a state-paid psychiatrist who never used a single psychiatric test to assess Panetti before determining that he was definitely faking. Go read Stephanie Mencimer’s excellent piece in Mother Jones if you’d like a refresher course in why no one should ever trust death penalty verdicts in Texas. Read more on Conservatives Oppose Executing Mentally Ill Texas Man, For Good Of Death Penalty…
  Pregnant Is The New Black

Texas Wants In On This Pregnancy Crimes Game, Too

Invasion of the babby-snatchers
Looks like we have a trend story here! A few days ago we brought you the story of Alabama Supreme Court Judge Tom Parker, who’s working to end ‘bortion forever by building a whole bunch of cases that treat fetuses as persons — often in criminal prosecutions of pregnant women who are caught using drugs, even though laws they’re prosecuted under don’t specify that they apply to zygotes. Read more on Texas Wants In On This Pregnancy Crimes Game, Too…
  field trips

Republicans Celebrate Success Of Voter Suppression With Fancy Luncheon

One smug bastard
Photo by Beth Ethier Voter fraud is so hot right now. This year’s midterm elections are only a few weeks away, and courts are still ruling left and right on the identification requirements that states can impose on their voters as a remedy to the virtually non-existent threat of voter impersonation. Read more on Republicans Celebrate Success Of Voter Suppression With Fancy Luncheon…
  oh dear kaili joy seems to be quite mad about a thing

Federal Court Saves Texas Women From Eternal Hellfire, Also Abortions

It's for your own good, ladies
Perhaps you are wondering what, exactly, is terrible and stupid and wrong about the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals’ decision to shut down pretty much all of Texas’s abortion clinics? Sit back, grab a slut pill, and let Kaili Joy madsplain you. Read more on Federal Court Saves Texas Women From Eternal Hellfire, Also Abortions…
  frontier justice

Rick Perry Is The Best Secret Service Agent, Gonna Kill You Real, REAL Dead

Oooh, I hates tyranny, and I hates jackboots, and I hates gubmint!
Yosemite Rick Perry, the rootinest, tootinest governor in all the land, was in NEW YORK CITY today to spend a few minutes making merry with the Zoo Crew on “Morning Joe.” The biggest surprise of the entire interview was that Joe Scarborough managed to resist flinging himself across the table to plant a sloppy, wet kiss on Yosemite Rick. The least surprising part was when Yosemite Rick let everyone know that, unlike those fancy, arugula-eatin’ Secret Service agents what guard that faggy perfesser Barack Obama, his security detail wouldn’t put up with no interlopers in the Texas governor’s mansion, no sir. Read more on Rick Perry Is The Best Secret Service Agent, Gonna Kill You Real, REAL Dead…
  The glasses aren't helping

Rick Perry: If Only Abortion Were Impossible, Maybe Joan Rivers Wouldn’t Be Dead

Oops again
INDICTED Gov. Rick Perry — who still hasn’t resigned, and yes, we are waiting — isn’t getting any smarter. At a recent gathering of masochists who like the hurts-so-good feeling of listening to words trip and stumble out of the Texas governor’s mouth like they’re on painkillers at a Republican presidential primary debate, Rick did some word-stumblin’ about the heinous abortion restrictions he signed into law in 2013. You know, those restrictions he emergency sessioned the legislature back to work for — twice — because enacting absurd and oppressive restrictions on abortion clinics, for the very obvious purpose of trying to shut them down, was an EMERGENCY!!! Read more on Rick Perry: If Only Abortion Were Impossible, Maybe Joan Rivers Wouldn’t Be Dead…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart’s Mind Literally Blown By Rick Perry’s Indictment

No one who smirks in a mugshot could be evil
Jon Stewart isn’t quite sure what to make of this Rick Perry indictment. Is it just the trick of a cruel comedy god to keep satirists from having fun during the 2016 primaries, or is it, like his smirking mug shot, actually going to make Perry look even cooler, as the innocent victim of a coldhearted, politically motivated vendetta by a Republican special prosecutor who’s out to get him? Following a montage of clips from conservative talking heads saying they thought the indictment made Perry look good, Stewart concludes that it’s all just a matter of “rebranding”: Read more on Jon Stewart’s Mind Literally Blown By Rick Perry’s Indictment…