Tag Archives: rick perry

  Why are you hitting yourself?

Someone Please Put Rick Perry Out Of His Misery And Tell Him It’s Over

Look, at this point it is just mean to let Rick Perry keep runnin’ around like he’s a presidential candidate, when we all of us who aren’t Rick Perry know better. And that includes his unpaid volunteers, what’s left of them, and the one dude in Iowa even Donald Trump didn’t want to steal from him. It is over, man, O-V-E-R over, and it’s time for someone to sit him down and have The Talk: Read more on Someone Please Put Rick Perry Out Of His Misery And Tell Him It’s Over…
  How would Jesus lose?

Rick Perry Thinks He’s Jesus, Hopes To Also Come Back From The Dead

Ladies and other people, check out how sad-emoji this is. Rick Perry, whose presidential campaign obituary we already wrote, and then we wrote again, apparently wants us to do it a third time, because he just really likes that number, we guess, though we can’t remember why. He’s all out of money, and he’s damn near out of campaign staffers too, and not just because Donald Trump is stealing them to Make America Great Again. Piss-poor poop-broke Rick Perry can only afford one staffer in Iowa, which is one of them supposedly important states (every four years, anyway): Read more on Rick Perry Thinks He’s Jesus, Hopes To Also Come Back From The Dead…
  wonksplainer

More Than Corndog Fellatio Pics: The Iowa State Fair, Wonksplained

Perry seems to have better technique
Rick Perry wins on technique. Every few years, we are #blessed with photos of politicians deep-throating a corndog at Iowa’s state fair. But did you know that there is more to the Iowa State Fair than hot politician-on-food pics? There’s enough meat-on-sticks to make Rick Santorum yearn for a return to the Senate’s weekly butt-fuck night (Tuesdays at 7 pm in Russell 290). There’s a cow made out of enough butter to make Paula Deen momentarily forget the good ol’ days of plantation living. But what makes politicians line up to shake the hands of babies and kiss farmers? What’s this fair all about? Let’s wonksplain. Read more on More Than Corndog Fellatio Pics: The Iowa State Fair, Wonksplained…
  Waaaaaaaaah

GOP Losers So Mad At GOP For Treating Them Like Losers

Now we just need a tiny violin Oh, look at these poor little cry babies, all in need of a nap: Two weeks after the first Republican presidential debate in Cleveland, several candidates scraping the bottom of primary polls are still seething about their treatment — and ripping party leadership for what they describe as, at best careless, and at worst intentional, decisions that embarrassed them on national TV. Seems the biggest losers in the Republican race — the dried puppy turds on the bottom of your shoe, as it were — are still pouting about how they had to stand in an empty room and pretend to debate each other while most of America was stopping by Kool Chain Bar & Grill for some happy hour apps and frozen blended umbrella drinks before heading home to watch the real Republican presidential debate, starring Donald Trump and nine other people who are not Donald Trump. Read more on GOP Losers So Mad At GOP For Treating Them Like Losers…
  He didn't get the memo

Poor Dumb Rick Perry Thinks He’s Still Running For President

Hey, why is Rick Perry’s purty mouth still flapping on our television screens? Didn’t we already write the RIP for his presidential Hopes-n-Dreams, on account of how he is all out of dollars American? We did! But it would seem his campaign staff forgot to tell him it’s time to say bye-bye. Maybe because he has stopped paying all of them. No worries, though, Perry says he’ll get to that eventually: Read more on Poor Dumb Rick Perry Thinks He’s Still Running For President…
  Our Bad

We Are Sorry, Mr. Trump, We Really Thought You Were Joking

If only we’d known he meant it It seems we, Yr Wonkette, owe one Mister Donald J. Trump an apology. For months — nay, years — we have mocked Mr. Trump’s presidential aspirations as “fake.” When he formed an exploratory committee in March, we smugly pronounced that he was merely “pretending he is really going to run for president this time.” Even when he declared his candidacy, we rather sarcastically welcomed him to the race, and then very sarcastically referred to him as “Serious Presidential Contender Donald Trump.” Read more on We Are Sorry, Mr. Trump, We Really Thought You Were Joking…
  Breakin' the law breakin' the law

Oh Look Who Is Actually Breaking The Law (Hint: It’s Not Planned Parenthood)

Well, isn’t this ironic, don’t you think? The Obama administration has notified two states that took steps to halt Medicaid funds to Planned Parenthood Federation of America that they may be in conflict with federal law. […] Read more on Oh Look Who Is Actually Breaking The Law (Hint: It’s Not Planned Parenthood)…
  Misty Corndog Cramming Memories

Where Were You When Michele Bachmann Became Princess Of Iowa 4 Years Ago?

We were a more innocent nation back then
It was a simpler time, a time before Benghazi, a time before the Obamacare computers were all kerflooey, a time when America still believed it was possible for a bright-eyed crazy lady who never quite focused on your face but could really deep-throat a foot-long corndog could become president. Actually, only rightwing loons in Iowa believed that. But it’s hard to believe that it was only four short years ago when Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll, putting her on the path to the nomination, or at least several completely bizarre debate appearances and an eventual decision by the Associated Press to give up on fact-checking the insane drivel coming from her mouthparts. Read more on Where Were You When Michele Bachmann Became Princess Of Iowa 4 Years Ago?…
  squeal for me baby

You (Probably) Won’t Have Sexy Daddy Rick Perry To Kick Around, Fap To

Stupid Fox News. Stupid RNC. Stupid everyone who didn’t support Rick Perry and made him debate at the kids’ table and now he is out of money and doubtless going to be the first to drop out of the presidential race because he is having to do mortifying things like “fly commercial” and who are we going to diddle our beans at now, beady-eyed ferret-dad Scott Walker? Rick Perry may be A Idiot, but he’s got a real purty mouth, and we like to look at it and think bad thoughts, STOP JUDGING ME YOU’RE THE ONE WHO GOT A BONE FOR AARON SCHOCK. Read more on You (Probably) Won’t Have Sexy Daddy Rick Perry To Kick Around, Fap To…
  Hillary be like ROTFLMAO

Hillary Clinton Can’t Stop Laughing At Dumbass Republicans

This election is going better than 2008, we think.
Donald Trump is under the impression he won Thursday’s debate, but that honor may actually go to America’s queen, Hillary “Hillz” Clinton, who seems to be having a gay old time, no homo, making fun of all the doofuses and dillweeds what are running against her on the Republican side. First we have the video above, which her campaign released just in case people missed the debate and want to see what happened. It’s got Jeb! Bush not knowing when the primaries are, Rand Paul and Chris Christie slap-fighting like schoolchildren, Donald Trump calling every lady in America a “fat pig,” and so on. Read more on Hillary Clinton Can’t Stop Laughing At Dumbass Republicans…
  losers

Spoiler: None Of These GOP Jerkholes Are Going To Be President

Today’s Republican Party So there is a presidential election thingy, and it is a mere 15 months away, which means we all get to spend the next year(ish) talking all the words about it, hooray! We get to squint at a trillion polls, and read 10 trillion pixelated Hot Takes, and listen to eleventeen trillion “thoughts” sharted from the derp holes of television fat heads, hooray even more! We even get to spend 31 hours a day debating who gave the Koch brothers the best head, who is maybe heading to prison, who wore it best, who’s up, who’s down, and who the fuck is that on the debate stage? (Oh, it’s Jim Gilmore. Wait, who? Some guy, don’t worry about it.) Read more on Spoiler: None Of These GOP Jerkholes Are Going To Be President…
  Enjoy Your Fifteen Minutes

Carly Fiorina Won Happy Hour! Could Someone Explain Why?

You can make those botoxed lips smile, you can do it!
You can make those botoxed lips smile, you can do it! America’s political talkers had a simultaneous consensus-gasm following the Second Tier Loser’s Debate Thursday night, and they proclaimed failed Hewlett-Packard CEO and losing Senate candidate Carly Fiorina the big winner of the hourlong ratings death march. We honestly have no idea why, except maybe it had something to do with her not being a complete stiff or a nebulous cipher. All we heard was the usual GOP nonsense in a slightly higher vocal register, and a complete lack of any Demon Sheep. Read more on Carly Fiorina Won Happy Hour! Could Someone Explain Why?…
  Point and laugh at the sads :(

Liveblogging The Pathetic Embarrassing Second Tier GOP Losers Debate: A Live Blog

Well hello there! Are you ready to see the loser junior varsity Republican candidates lose some more while they debate each other during loser hour? US TOO! Who knows what’s going to happen? Will Rick Santorum get real stigmata? Will Rick Perry comb his mane the whole time? Will Jim Gilmore try to feel Carly Fiorina on the boobies? Who can say, nobody knows who he is, so we don’t know if he’s a booby-grabbing creeper or not! Join us as we live-blog the inaugural debate of Fuckshow 2016! Read more on Liveblogging The Pathetic Embarrassing Second Tier GOP Losers Debate: A Live Blog…
  All your questions answered

Donald Trump And Nine Other Losers Walk Into A Bar: Your Wonkette Debate Preview!

You know, if you're not doing anything else that night LOL
It’s almost here, everyone, it’s almost here! The moment we have all been waiting for (kind of!) comes Thursday night, when the top ten Republican candidates, as chosen by Fox News Science, will show us their junk on live television! Donald Trump is the frontrunner, because a significant percentage of the Republican base is even dumber than the other percentages of the Republican base, and are impressed by loud men who act like they’re overcompensating for small penises and small minds. They’re like, “Awwww, reminds me of Daddy, PBUH.” Except they probably don’t say “PBUH,” because that’s Muslin. Read more on Donald Trump And Nine Other Losers Walk Into A Bar: Your Wonkette Debate Preview!…
  Surprise nobody wins!

Rick Perry And Donald Trump Both Have A Boy Penis, But Which One Is The Biggest???

Oh, different kind of pull-ups, sorry.
The “feud” between “presidential candidates” Donald Trump and Rick Perry continues apace, but who will win the Golden Trophy, a prize that entitles the winner to telling their grandkids their dick is bigger than this one guy’s, but he’s still not president of a country? To recap: Perry said Trump is bad for being mean to John McCain, Trump said Perry is a stupid, and Perry said, “Do you fuck your mother with that mouth?” And on and on and on, these dildo-breathed losers need to shut up, is what they need to do. Read more on Rick Perry And Donald Trump Both Have A Boy Penis, But Which One Is The Biggest???…