It’s becoming clear now that handsy Texas ball-of-fire Rick Perry, in notably indiscreet fashion, has been trying to cover-up or kill an investigation into the execution of an innocent man, which would show that… well… he and his staff could have maybe prevented this from happening! This is a major scandal, for serious. BUT LET US CONSIDER THE POLITICAL IMPLICATIONS. If you’re Kay Bailey Hutchison, and you have a Texas Republican primary against Rick Perry in a few months, how do you attack this from the right? How do you reconcile (a) the major opportunity to attack Rick Perry for this major thing and (b) the fact that the Republican base loves the death penalty and will always love it and want it and cherish it? Hmm… uhh… how about… Rick Perry is in cahoots with the liberals? Huh? Any objections? Fine, type up a statement. MORE »

Evil hair-petting secessionist madman Rick Perry, Texas “Governor for Life,” is in some hot poop nowadays over what else, randomly executing everyone. But the scandal lay in the cover-up, of course: why won’t Rick Perry release official documents from the day of an execution in 2004, showing that the person he killed was probably innocent? And why is he firing the state official investigating the circumstances of this execution and requesting these documents? Probably because Rick Perry never read them, or read them and didn’t care. Don’t want to spoil a good killin’ for the public, after all. MORE »

WHY EVEN WORK TOMORROW? THE NEWS STORY OF THE WEEK ALREADY HAPPENED: Jesus, we were starting to think that we might have to *ask* for someone to make an animated .gif of Rick Perry petting that old man. Fortunately operative “Elliot P.” came through just in time, showing a little goddamn initiative around this place. Rick Perry, what are you doing! This is how Pig AIDS gets spread!

HOLY MOLY LOOK AT GOV. RICK PERRY TOUCH THIS MAN. JESUS. He’s like, well sure I’ll shake your hand old man, but before I do that, I’m just gonna pet your hair a lil’ bit, and you’re gonna have to deal with that. Ha ha ha! This is still so good, even on the 42nd watch. And it’s not a one-off thing, either: this is simply how Rick Perry greets other humans. MORE »

The secessionist losers in Texas held a major rally (like 2 people) in front of the state Capitol this past weekend, but whither be leader Rick Perry and his 70 pretend-secessionist allies from the state legislature? Apparently they were all busy doing… let’s see… anything else. But the Texas Observer was there to cover the madness and met some interesting “Real Americans,” who at one point very patriotically shouted, “we hate the United States.” MORE »

To the surprise of no one, Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison officially declared that she would be running for governor of Texas against Rick Perry, who could potentially serve FOURTEEN FRIGGING YEARS as head of that state. The race got off to a colorful unofficial start in late July when Internet sleuths discovered secret gay code words, such as “Rick Perry gay,” on the senator’s campaign site. MORE »

See, this is why we haven’t kicked Texas out of the union (yet): because sometimes Texans do funny things for us to laugh at. For example: unofficial Republican gubernatorial candidate Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison has a web site that contained tasty little hidden phrases like “rick perry gay” that Governor Rick Perry’s people did not like so much. MORE »

Rick Perry, the most foul hair-monster of a governor since Rod Blagojevich, has amassed a small collection of sexy shoe-fetish photographs on his Flickr site. The name of the collection? “Kicks for Rick,” of course, showcasing exactly how Rick gets his kicks. Next fall, will Texans want to re-elect, for the billionth time, a known shoe molester? [NBC Dallas-Fort Worth]

True fact: Texas has had the same governor since the 1970s, when a man with a thickly feathered coif captured the hearts of many Texan ladies and cowboys. His name was Rick Perry, and he decided to keep running for governor every four years because voters were too dumb and lazy to ever notice that the ballot didn’t change. MORE »

Anybody who says the Associated Press is not the most important wire service with “AP” as its initials just plain hates good journalism. Following up on yesterday’s scorcher about how there were five (5) other governors who did something vaguely weird once, over the course of American state history, today AP headquarters in New York offers up what just might be the most cogent yet blistering assessment of the Mark Sanford “Argentine Firecracker” scandal thus far: Sanford is a Republican governor doing lame, creepy things … just like all those other Republican governors trying to make a name for themselves in the GOP’s final days. MORE »

The best thing to happen in all of Texas last year was when a few Democratic anarcho-syndicalists burned down Rick Perry’s governor’s mansion with a flaming bag of Barney Bush’s poop, maybe. But because the remaining outer shell of this hell castle is a Historical Texas outer shell — and Texas never cheaps out when it comes to honoring its proud history of slavery, violence, oil, and self-importance — the difficult, tedious renovation will cost TWENTY MILLION dollars. CONSIDERING THE COST, the Texas state legislature is now telling Perry that if he wants his dumb house, then $11 million of that sum will have to come out of the Obama Stimulus Package — the thing Perry pretended to hate so much that he vowed to secede over it in ~FY2011. MORE »