Tag Archives: richard cohen

  Hoes 'n Tricks

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Activist Court Says De-Gaying Hot Naked Dudes Is ‘Fraud’ Somehow

Greetings to all you salacious sodomite sinners! Once again we are proud to present your weekly compilation of the latest and greatest in news of the supernatural, the supernormal, and the superdumb. It’s the Snake Oil Bulletin! Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Activist Court Says De-Gaying Hot Naked Dudes Is ‘Fraud’ Somehow…
  just say no to wapo

Richard Cohen Would Like Justin Bieber To Know That Reefer Madness Is Real, Man

There’s been a lot of Justin Bieber news: the drag-racing arrest, the police raid that found drugs, the arrest for assaulting a limo driver, and his private plane pilots wearing masks because of all the dank fumage. Through all this, WaPo’s Richard Cohen has not shared his feelings. Finally, today he has. O Glorious Day. Read more on Richard Cohen Would Like Justin Bieber To Know That Reefer Madness Is Real, Man…
  is this real life?

So This Is The One That Is Finally Going To Get Richard Cohen Fired From Washington Post, Right? RIGHT?

Last week, Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen, who is paid to have opinions ‘n’ things, finally realized that slavery was really, really bad y’all, like even worse than taxes and stuff. This week? It is hard to explain without going into an actual seizure, like when you are playing Japanese video games, or whatever, you know, with the strobes and the epilepsy? Like that, but from disgust and sadness and stabbiness and suicidal ideation at the state of humanity and our world. Are you ready? Here, let us let Richard Cohen tell you himself: Read more on So This Is The One That Is Finally Going To Get Richard Cohen Fired From Washington Post, Right? RIGHT?…
  richard cohen don't know nothin' bout birthin' no babies

Terrible Columnist Richard Cohen Shocked To Learn That Slavery Was Really, Really Bad

With all of the terrible, sludge-brained, doped-out political hacks whose columns we read over and over until every atom of our being must fight the urge to swan-dive off a twenty-story building onto a fence topped with rusty spikes coated with rattlesnake venom, we often forget about the execrable Richard Cohen at The Washington Post. Perhaps this is an act of self-preservation. Then the Bearded Dipwad writes something so perverse we are compelled to stare at it like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, until our faces melt and our souls get sucked from our bodies by razor-toothed demons. Hyperbole, you say? That is only because you haven’t read Cohen’s latest yet. Read more on Terrible Columnist Richard Cohen Shocked To Learn That Slavery Was Really, Really Bad…
  blurred lines

Richard Cohen Thinks Miley Cyrus Raped That Poor Girl In Steubenville

Too much Nice Time got you down? Well don’t worry kids, here is the Washington Post’s Richard Cohen to sexplain all you ever wanted to know about how Miley Cyrus raped that poor girl in Steubenville. Hmmm. Rape. Pop culture. Womyn things. Do you suppose there will be a single sentence — fuck it, a single word — that is not HOLY FUCKBALLS RICHARD COHEN? Hahaha, maybe one? Let us see if we can find it, together! Hmmmm, is this a sentence that will not cause our eyeballs to fall out of our skulls and roll under the fridge to be chewed up by cock-a-roaches? Read more on Richard Cohen Thinks Miley Cyrus Raped That Poor Girl In Steubenville…
  shut the fuck up richard cohen

WaPo’s Richard Cohen None Too Pleased With Hillary Clinton’s Age, Vagina

The Washington Post’s Richard Cohen returns to the scene of the crime*. Becoming the first female president is a worthy goal, but it kind of falls into the category of miles traveled and countries visited. It is an achievement, even a stunning one, but it is not a stirring trumpet call. Even now, her statistics-laden tenure has been somewhat eclipsed by her successor at State. John F. Kerry has already managed to bring Israelis and Palestinians together to resume peace talks. If these talks produce an agreement (not likely, but still . . .), then all this talk about miles traveled is going to sound awfully silly. Yes, we are sure John Kerry will solve World Peace (not likely, but still . . .) and show that Hillary Clinton, with her constant “traveling the world to do her job” is really just Reese Witherspoon in Election staying up all night to bake the goddamn cupcakes, and they never actually accomplished a thing! Read more on WaPo’s Richard Cohen None Too Pleased With Hillary Clinton’s Age, Vagina…
  actually it doesn't get better

Richard Cohen: Why Did All These Black Criminals Shoot And Murder Trayvon Martin?

You gotta admit that it takes a special kind of stupid to be as consistently awful as Richard Cohen has been over the years. We’d link to the many times we’ve had to write a “WHAT THE FUCK RICHARD COHEN” post but we don’t have that kind of time, so here is our Wonkette Richard Cohen archive in all its WHAT THE FUCK RICHARD COHEN. Today, Cohen is dropping knowledge about the Zimmerman trial. Whom would you think is to blame for the death of an unarmed black boy? Would you guess “black criminals”? Then you are probably right. Read more on Richard Cohen: Why Did All These Black Criminals Shoot And Murder Trayvon Martin?…
  simply irresistible

Richard Cohen Wants To Kiss Men But Does Not Want To Kiss Ladies You Guys

Do you wake up in the morning and think: “man, I sure wish I could get paid fancy WaPo monies to write about, well, nothing really?” (SPOILER ALERT/TRIGGER WARNING: we wish for that gig EVERY. DAMN. DAY). Do you also wish that you could be the least self-aware motherfucker on God’s green earth while simultaneously navel gazing all the time? If you answered “yes” then you are probably trying to be Richard Cohen! Read more on Richard Cohen Wants To Kiss Men But Does Not Want To Kiss Ladies You Guys…
  weapons of mass stupidity

Richard Cohen Bravely Argues We Should Arm Syrian Rebels Because What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

You know what would be a great idea, says Richard Cohen? You ready? Here goes! Arming the Syrian rebels, many of whom are foreign Salafist fighters! Does that sound like an awesome idea, or WHAT? What could possibly go wrong with that, we armed and trained the Taliban when they were fighting the Soviets, and that turned out GREAT for us, so arming foreign fighters in Syria — well, that’s just genius. Way to go Richard Cohen! Read more on Richard Cohen Bravely Argues We Should Arm Syrian Rebels Because What Could Possibly Go Wrong?…
  idiots

Richard Cohen Does Not Think James Bond’s Muscles Are Fair To Richard Cohen

Uh oh, you guys. Richard Cohen went to the movies. And Richard Cohen has a bone to pick, with the movies. What happened to suave leading men like Cary Grant and Humphrey Bogart and Richard Cohen, HENGHHH? Why does Daniel Craig get to be “a movie star” just because he makes your Editrix, and your Editrix’s mother, and every woman your Editrix has ever spoken to about Daniel Craig (she has spoken to every woman about Daniel Craig) weak of knee and damp of puss? The Mayan Apocalypse cannot come too soon if this musclebound “Daniel Craig” character is supposed to be our new hotness. What happened to the way things used to be, when women were wives and skinny nerds were le sexy? Read more on Richard Cohen Does Not Think James Bond’s Muscles Are Fair To Richard Cohen…
  crazy for feeling so lonely

Nuts & Sluts: In Which Your Wonkette Agrees With Pat Robertson And Richard Cohen About Paula Broadwell

There is a lot of Yap and Huff on the Internet right about now about how poor Paula Broadwell is being SEXISMED because nobody is making tons of mocking fun of disgraced former top spook David Petraeus, but people are all OH HER CLOTHES WERE TOO TIGHT SLUT SLUT SLUT. They seem to be regarding the current Unpleasantness as just another in our unbroken epochs of Blame the Floozy. But is it possible that the reason we are not making fun of David Petraeus is because the US has, 20 years after Bill Clinton, become less puritanical about affairs, and the reason we are all making fun of Paula Broadwell has nothing to do with her flooziness but rather is because she is (allegedly) a psycho nutzoid Internet stalker who is one crowbar and a pack of Depends away from driving to Houston to kneecap a bitch? Like, we are sorry there is still sexism in the world, and the women are blamed for the affairs and stuff, but maybe that isn’t actually what is happening here! For instance! If she hadn’t gone bunny-boiler (allegedly) would anybody even have cared about the boffing — if it were even discovered at all? We posit not really! Also, some Internet stalkers really are crazy, even if they are women, and it is not not-feminist to say so! (We have one ourself. We would print all her messages to us, but then you would be scared, and probably cry.) And we think it hurts equality to insist that Broadwell is somehow a victim in this, and society is to blame. And that is where Richard Cohen and Pat Robertson come in. Read more on Nuts & Sluts: In Which Your Wonkette Agrees With Pat Robertson And Richard Cohen About Paula Broadwell…
  journamalism

Washington Post Writer Richard Cohen Disappointed In Journalism Practiced By Harry Reid, Washington Post

Richard Cohen is a man who writes for the Washington Post. His job, from his past body of work, seems to be to express concern about things, but mainly things that make no sense to be concerned about. You sound smarter that way. Today, Richard Cohen is concerned that Harry Reid has forever taken politics into the gutter by not being Richard Cohen. Reid is where he loves to be: the center of controversy. He has accused Mitt Romney of paying no taxes for 10 years. Romney denies the accusation and challenged Reid to put up or shut up. In an apparent response, Reid repeated the charges on the Senate floor. Countless aides have echoed their boss. They and he attribute their information to a source they will not name. Whether such a source exists, really, is beside the point. It could be that someone did indeed tell Reid that Romney paid no taxes for 10 years. Journalists get that sort of tip all the time, and their responsibility is (1) to check it out and (2) identify the source. Reid has not done the latter and apparently has not done the former, either. The truth is that Reid doesn’t really care if the charge is true or not. He would prefer the former, but he’ll settle for the latter. HAHAHAHA, no, you dumb. Reporters just write down things people say, then get quotes from other people in response to whatever was said. You don’t identify anyone,  you just give them adjectives like “senior” or “inside” or “throbbing.” Read more on Washington Post Writer Richard Cohen Disappointed In Journalism Practiced By Harry Reid, Washington Post…
  brief interludes

A Brief Interlude from Richard Cohen

“For all the boredom, the tedium and — most important — the lack of air conditioning, I found a single virtue in my service: I slept in a barracks with 50 other guys” — Richard Cohen, a funny guy. Read more on A Brief Interlude from Richard Cohen…
  stopped clock and et cetera

Washington Post Columnist Richard Cohen Calls Sarah Palin and Entire GOP Stupid Ignorant Liar

You guys, I’m worried about Richard Cohen. You used to be able to count on the man to bring his A-game to vapid columns of wishy-washy meh. But last week, he urinated on Ghost Andrew Breitbart, and now he’s jumping up and down screaming obviously true things about America’s Sweetheart and Supreme Leader of the Dark Lord’s Army Sarah Palin! Pull up a chair, and let’s have a look-see! Read more on Washington Post Columnist Richard Cohen Calls Sarah Palin and Entire GOP Stupid Ignorant Liar…
  extra-crispy

Human Soba Noodle Richard Cohen Pees On Ghost Andrew Breitbart

Opening his “valuable” Washington Post opinion page real estate with a tantalizing promise to speak ill of the dead, Colonel Sanders impersonator and usually vapid old coot Richard Cohen sort of delivers! It is not nice to speak ill of the dead, my mother once told me. But it is okay, I think, to speak ill of those who praise the dead when the deceased was best known for sliming a well-intentioned and wholly commendable public servant or for exposing a politician who had already exposed himself. Read more on Human Soba Noodle Richard Cohen Pees On Ghost Andrew Breitbart…
  dementia

Richard Cohen Admits Giant Gay Crush On Rick Perry

Lead old fart in the Washington Post’s “Eldercare for columnists” division Richard Cohen proclaimed his manly affection for Texas bozo barbie Rick Perry, not for something inane/worthwhile like “policy reasons,” but because the hot waves of bubbling stool ever-flowing out of the right-wing punditry’s toilet tank these days have a decidedly anti-Perry flavor to them. Ergo, this thing that has been the diarrhea du jour in the news media the last four days erases Perry’s incompetent thousand-year rule over Texas that has made the state our nation’s leader in executions, children without health insurance and minimum-wage jobs, because he is being picked on by idiots. Type away, Richard Cohen! “First I was shocked and then I was scared but now, the more he gets attacked by those on his right (imagine!), the more a certain sympathy stirs in me. Here and there, the big lug is downright lovable,” he babbles. Vulnerability is a major turn-on for Richard Cohen, is what he is saying. Read more on Richard Cohen Admits Giant Gay Crush On Rick Perry…
  so maybe he'll retire now?

Richard Cohen Suffers Brief Moment of Self-Awareness

Washington Post ghoul Richard Cohen has been writing incoherent paeans to war and sexism for nearly 40 years, but even a broken plastic clock that was pulverized and re-manufactured into a novelty-store dildo is still right exactly one time in 40 years. Our pal Princess Sparkle Pony suffered through Cohen’s latest blog post or whatever it’s called, and found this moment of tragic self-awareness: Read more on Richard Cohen Suffers Brief Moment of Self-Awareness…
  web terrorism

Washington Post Hacked By … Washington Post?

Wonkette operative “Dan G.” was checking washingtonpost.com just before midnight, like a sex weirdo, when he saw this mysterious message, possibly from a “computer hacker” or the aliens on their way to Earth to vaporize everyone but Newt Gingrich, which is an example of extreme space-alien humor. So we took a look at the Washington Post‘s prize-winning local news portal and saw … just the Washington Post, possibly with a mild redesign. THIS IS HOW CRAFTY THE TERRORISTS ARE, with their tastefully dull web makeovers. They are probably offering some kind of loss-leader eight-for-one deal on sandwiches, too. WHY DOES IT HATE US? Read more on Washington Post Hacked By … Washington Post?…
  rumors on the internets

Wisconsin’s Union Rapists Demand Collective Raping Rights

Lara Logan’s tragic sexual assault is NOTHING compared to the horrors she might have experienced at the hands of those greasy union rapists in Wisconsin. [Big Journalism] Uh oh, the famous internet destination for truth, Snopes.com, is secretly the holocaust-loving handiwork of America’s most evil Jew, George Soros. [RPN] Read more on Wisconsin’s Union Rapists Demand Collective Raping Rights…
  you've got mail

Washington Post Launching Delightful New Personalized ‘Google News’

Do you love Google News but wish it was somehow tied up with the Washington Post? Then you will really be delighted to hear that the WaPo is launching something called “Trove,” which is a magical way to apparently personalize the news you wish to see on your screen — sort of the way you’ve been able to do on the Internet, using Excite! News or RSS or Bloglines or whatever, since the mid-1990s. But this will be different! (Right? It has to be different in some way, we assume, even though assuming anything sane is extremely dangerous when discussing the Washington Post.) Let’s take a look at all the personalized options you’ll enjoy whenever the “Washington Trove” appears and is quickly and totally forgotten by the few who bother to look at it, once. Read more on Washington Post Launching Delightful New Personalized ‘Google News’…
  wearing glasses doesn't make you smart

Basically, Richard Cohen Wants You To Know He Goes To Insidery Funerals

Like many professionals of a certain age, Richard Cohen goes to a lot of funerals. Very, very, very soon, he will attend his own, and everyone will be able to laugh in his face about how stupid he was. But for now, he must write Washington Post op-eds letting us know that he goes to, like, the most important memorial services ever. Case in point: He went to Richard Holbrooke’s last week! What a hott ticket, right? Whom did he have to blow to go to that? Everyone? Yes. So Richard Cohen had to get an article out of this, right? But what to say? How about, “Barack Obama hates Richard Holbrooke so much that he gave a better speech in Tucson”? Sure, that works. Read more on Basically, Richard Cohen Wants You To Know He Goes To Insidery Funerals…
  great minds

Richard Cohen Loves Sexual Harassment

Richard Cohen has heard about all of this Clarence Thomas stuff in his newspaper and is absolutely “mortified.” How could they print something a powerless lady said about a powerful Supreme Court justice? “In elementary school, some kid must have plastered a ‘kick me!’ sign on Clarence Thomas’s back — and it has never been taken off. Every 20 years or so, some woman surfaces to accuse the now-Supreme Court justice of being a male chauvinist pig — to resurrect an old term from the tie-dyed era — but falls frustratingly short of making a case for true sexual harassment.” Cohen can objectively say that this is not evidence that Clarence Thomas maybe was a sexual harasser — it’s evidence that women are mean and like to tell stories about sexual harassment all the time, all of which are basically always false. Oh, but wait a second, didn’t a woman once accuse Cohen of sexual harassment? Read more on Richard Cohen Loves Sexual Harassment…