Wonkette

Ha ha, remember last Friday, before every bank in America liquidated and the New Depression kicked in and we had to boil our dogs for sustenance? Back in those innocent times, people were still fretting about how John McCain — a man who built a lifetime career on doing shitty things like leaving his crippled wife, consorting with S&L crooks, pandering to racists, and spewing foul invective at anyone who dared question his Honor — was suddenly not acting like his noble old self. So Richard Cohen is really only about 72 hours behind the curve on this one. MORE »

John McCain’s people had about 24 hours to get Levi “Fuckin’ Redneck” Johnston a haircut, a shave, a tailored Italian wool suit, and some invisible duct tape to cover his mouth so that he could NEVER SAY A WORD. Somewhere along the line, however, he skipped out to the one store in Wasilla — a tattoo parlor — to get “Bristol” inked into the skin of his ring finger. Richard Cohen must be furious. [HuffPo]

The Washington Post’s Richard Cohen, everyone’s favorite old coot of a “moderate liberal,” has written a sort of hilarious rant against Sarah Palin today. He calls her a “sitcom of a vice presidential choice,” which is probably the most apt description yet. Then he gets sassy, MMHMM: “Still, you have to admit that in all that time, especially since Palin became governor about two years ago, no Russian invasion force has come across the strait, maybe because she was in charge of the Guard, maybe because she herself is a hunter and an athlete.” Cohen also writes about Julius Caesar because fuck all. [Washington Post]

• JOE BIDEN SO BORING THAT EVEN RICHARD COHEN’S ANSWERING MACHINE HANGS UP ON HIM: Oh, this is just sad. Apparently Richard Cohen wrote some article about how Joe Biden is always jabbering too much, and Biden called him up and left a message thanking him for the critique. The message was so long that the answering machine spontaneously exploded and killed itself, the end. [Washington Post]

Our favorite Washington Post old crab Richard Cohen has put together another gem today, following his recent coot-ish rambles about tattoos, his eyesight and, of course, uppity Negroes. Today’s topic: books! He is in Boulder in a bookstore, with the books that the children don’t give a hoot about anymore! They are buying them on this “Amazon” internet page, or not at all, because they are terrible, bwah bwah bwah. MORE »

The only thing that would cheer us up if Bill Kristol loses next year’s Pulitzer Prize for commentary would be a victory for Washington Post “moderate liberal” columnist Richard Cohen instead. If you haven’t been following this guy recently then you know NOTHING. Oh, the prose-poetry of his sentences! One gorgeous conjunction masterfully gives way to a brilliant proper noun, brought to life by an effervescent transitive verb and wrung to a world-historical clincher with yet another brilliant proper noun. Recently, Cohen has told us about his “keen eye” and the wretched “tattoos” plastering our children these days. In today’s column, Cohen shares the following: John McCain is a maverick, while Barack Obama is a youth! MORE »

You know how the New York Times turned down John McCain’s editorial because it was boring or whatever? We think we found it — it’s running in the Washington Post today, cleverly disguised under the pseudonym “Richard Cohen,” and it’s a full-on Andy Rooney-style rant about the youngsters and their awful tattoos (pictured, left). Today’s horrible tattoos are symptomatic of our decadent moral decline, whereas the horrible tattoos of yesteryear actually stood for something … or so says one angry, drunken geezer. MORE »

Look, everybody. Just donate a little bit to John McCain’s campaign, and you might have the American opportunity to develop the “keen eye” of heroic Richard Cohen! [John McCain]

• RICHARD COHEN HAS LASER VISION, CAN SEE INTO MEN’S SOULS: “In some recent magazine articles, I and certain of my colleagues have been accused of being soft on McCain, forgiving him his flips, his flops and his mostly conservative ideology. I do not plead guilty to this charge, because, over the years, the man’s imperfections have not escaped my keen eye.” [Washington Post]

CAMPAIGN REPORTING DERANGEMENT SYNDROME: “I have come to loathe the campaign … I loathe the incessant blogging and commenting and talking and yapping and hype … This is an ugly porridge that has been placed before us, turned rancid since the cold, pristine days of Iowa only five months ago.” [Washington Post]

Senator Larry Craig’s sad airport restroom misadventure, with all its giggle-inducing details of the finer points of toilet cruising, became public more than a month-and-a-half ago, so it’s just about time for Richard Cohen to weigh in. Naturally, today’s column starts off with, wait for it, a “restless leg syndrome” joke that he then feels the need to explain. Further proof that the man does indeed have a fine sense of humor! MORE »

Ok, so we had Richard Pombo listed as a Democrat for about 45 minutes today. That’s nothing. Here’s an item (courtesy FishbowlDC) from page 21 of today’s Washington Express: MORE »

Cold, loveless, formulaic punditry: MORE »