Tag Archives: rich people

  it's morning in america

Midterm Elections Ruined by Rich and Pasty Old People

Who made John Boehner our chain-smokin’ Orange Overseer? Crusty, rich white people who don’t use deodorant and have cabbage breath, according to a new and probably unnecessary study! It’s sort of silly that old people voted for all these deranged weirdos who want to make Medicare and probably even bingo night illegal, because without these two things old people will shrivel up and die like sad snails trapped in a giant jar of salt. Meanwhile, landline phones screwed up every midterm poll, since only ancient Republicans use those tethered banana phones from the Stone Age. Anyway, thanks for nothing, wrinkly white trust fund grannies. [McClatchy] Read more on Midterm Elections Ruined by Rich and Pasty Old People…
  it's morning in america

Poor Rich People Might Have To Pay Taxes Eventually

If this doesn’t make your blood boil with anger, nothing will: Barack Obama might not give super rich people permanent tax exempt status! If Obama taxes rich people, how are they supposed to create new jobs, in India/China/anywhere but here? At this point it doesn’t really even matter. Obama couldn’t redistribute the white man’s Wealth even if he tried his hardest, since we already live in a terrible Banana Republic in which “the richest 1 percent of Americans now take home almost 24 percent of income.” The rest of us squat in bedbug-infested foreclosed condos and eat re-refried beans and McDonald’s McSadness sandwiches. And John Boehner might as well take our Social Security too, because most of us won’t even live long enough to enjoy our first adult diaper poop — because who can afford adult diapers? We will just have to poop our pants, and then die. Yay. [WSJ] Read more on Poor Rich People Might Have To Pay Taxes Eventually… Read more on Poor Rich People Might Have To Pay Taxes Eventually…
  it's morning in america

BREAKING: Rich Dudes Love Republicans

Because all Republican rhetoric is about how the ELITE represses the PEOPLE and we should always side with the PEOPLE against the ELITE and their SINISTER GOVERNMENT, you might think that America’s actual economic elite would be opposed to Republican policies. You would be wrong, though! For instance, over the course of this cycle rich dude Bob Perry has spread a cool $11 million around among Karl Rove’s American Crossroads election cabal and the Republican Governors Association. Also, radical outsider Tea Party candidates are getting campaign money from rich Wall Street fat cats, via John Boehner! Read more on BREAKING: Rich Dudes Love Republicans… Read more on BREAKING: Rich Dudes Love Republicans…
  California Über Alles

Liveblogging the Jerry Brown-Meg Whitman Heat-Wave Death Match

Should we liveblog the Jerry v. Meg death match? Well, we just held an election on Twitter and we won with 99.7% of the vote! So join us at 6PM California Death-Heat Time for the California Gov Debate, starring the Jedi monk Jerry Brown (of California’s famous 1970s) and that person whose face is on every commercial and Internet ad, because she is literally spending hundreds of MILLIONS of dollars to run for governor of a bankrupt state everybody is fleeing, Meg Whitman (of the 1990s Dot-Com bubble). Read more on Liveblogging the Jerry Brown-Meg Whitman Heat-Wave Death Match…
  commie venture capitalists

Rich Person Begs For More Taxes

Rich person Garrett Gruener — inventor of Ask.com — says that taxing rich people is good, and not taxing them is bad. Why would he say this? I’m a venture capitalist and an entrepreneur. Over the past three decades, I’ve made both good and bad investments. I’ve created successful companies and ones that didn’t do so well. Overall, I’m proud that my investments have created jobs and led to some interesting innovations. And I’ve done well financially; I’m one of the fortunate few who are in the top echelon of American earners. …. Congress should let the Bush tax cuts expire for the wealthiest Americans and use the additional tax revenues that are generated to invest in infrastructure and research. “Invest” is the right word. Putting money into infrastructure – such as roads, bridges, broadband, the smart grid and public transit – as well as carefully chosen research initiatives provides a foundation for future growth. As important, it puts funds in the hands of those who will spend them, generating demand that will pull us out of our economic crisis and toward a new cycle of growth. Read more on Rich Person Begs For More Taxes…
  green shoots!

Desperately Poor GOP Lobbyists Finally Finding Work Again

Americans are POOR AND BROKE, YA HEARD? Those who still haven’t hocked their eyes tend to look to newspapers for two purposes: for warmth, obviously, as they sleep on park benches in the frigid September night, but also for inspiration, for the knowledge that even if they’re doomed, there are Americans out there who are helping bring our economy back. Well, many a hobo is weeping tears of joy into his can of beans today, as he reads the rat-poop stained New York Times he fished out of the gutter and learns that yes, Republican lobbyists can find lucrative six- to seven-figure salaries once again, in America. Read more on Desperately Poor GOP Lobbyists Finally Finding Work Again…
  ketchup yachts

John Kerry Is Still the Richest Ketchup Heiress In Congress

Hooray, The Hill has released this year’s “50 Wealthiest People In Congress,” and it is an unusually informative eHow list (not to be confused with the celebrated “50 Most Sexual Congresspeople” thing, which we hate). Anyway, John Kerry won, again, because of ketchup: Read more on John Kerry Is Still the Richest Ketchup Heiress In Congress…
  karel capek was right

Robots, Rich People Team Up To Destroy Economy

New employment numbers are out and they’re great news! Oh, wait, we had the thing upside down, they’re actually terrible. 131,000 fewer jobs last month, although that figure includes 141,000 liberal census workers who were let go after the government decided to just make up the census numbers this year. In fact, the private sector added a whole 71,000 jobs in July…71,000 jobs for humans. But how many jobs for robots? Why won’t the government release those important numbers? Read more on Robots, Rich People Team Up To Destroy Economy…
  lifestyles of the rich and tacky

USA Weekend, Real America’s Version of NYT Magazine, Visits Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin’s whole nutty family appeared in that USA Weekend newspaper insert on Sunday, and even a sympathetic publication that only appears in the pro-America America can’t help but make Palin and her brood look like a bunch of bird-brained weirdos. The whole cover story is only about 900 words long — normal for these PARADE-style things — but it still features many quotable items of unintentional humor/horror. Let’s skim this thing and never speak of it again. Read more on USA Weekend, Real America’s Version of NYT Magazine, Visits Sarah Palin…
  metro section

DC’s Famous Arm Barber Will Trim The Goose Hairs On Your Pointer Finger, For A Modest Fee

Never steal a samurai’s Xbox. Because he will Seppuku you, with his samurai sword… that he ordered from SkyMall… while studying electrical engineering at Johns Hopkins. [Washington Times] Read more on DC’s Famous Arm Barber Will Trim The Goose Hairs On Your Pointer Finger, For A Modest Fee… Read more on DC’s Famous Arm Barber Will Trim The Goose Hairs On Your Pointer Finger, For A Modest Fee…
  self-defense editorials

Bankers Worked Hard For Their Money, You Know

Well this is sort of neat! An actual AIG-FP executive wrote an op-ed in the Times explaining why he is not the most evil biological form on the planet short of the Ebola virus, and he makes some good points, such as: not everybody in the AIG-FP unit fucked up the world. It was only the credit default swap people. Read more on Bankers Worked Hard For Their Money, You Know…
  dinner with the stars

Barack Obama Dines With Beloved Wingnut Columnists

In his latest dramatic attempt to charm the remaining elitist Republicans out of their doomed party of dumb rednecks, Super-President Barack Obama went to George Will’s walled castle in suburban Maryland on Tuesday night to share arugula and vintage Bordeaux with all of Will’s douchebag columnist friends. David Brooks was there! So was the “lightning rod conservative,” Bill Kristol. Charles Krauthammer was there, too! Can you imagine a dinner party even 2% as fun as this one? Read more on Barack Obama Dines With Beloved Wingnut Columnists…
  hmm quite yes indeed

MAGAZINE ABOUT WEALTH ENDORSES OBAMA: Sarah Palin’s favorite — dare we say, “favourite,” tut tut — magazine, rich & sexy British global-money pamphlet The Economist, has endorsed Barack Obama, who is more likely to save all of their money than John McCain, who’s just nuts. [The Economist] Read more on …
  the poor stay poor the rich get rich

Gap Grows Between U.S. Richie Riches and Wretched American Poor

Of America’s many great achievements in this young century, nothing can really top the savage rape and murder of the American Dream. Nobody really mentions it anymore, but ancient texts refer to this notion that everyone, through hard work, could become free and happy through the earning of riches, and then their kids would do even better, etc. Well, it is no longer true. Since the year 2000, only the wealthy have made more money. Everybody else is fucked, and the divide is rapidly getting wider. This is the conclusion of a three-year study by the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development, a communist-terrorist group consisting of the United States and other rich nations. Read more on Gap Grows Between U.S. Richie Riches and Wretched American Poor…
  the ownership society

John McCain Does Not Know How Many Baronial Estates He Has

In 2004 all the Republicans hated the Democratic ex-Navy plutocrat married to an insanely wealthy (and just insane) woman. But now that it is 2008, all the Democrats hate the Republican ex-Navy plutocrat married to an insanely wealthy, insane woman. How awful is Fat Cat John McCain? So awful that he literally has no idea how many homes “he” owns. Read more on John McCain Does Not Know How Many Baronial Estates He Has…
  on the teevee

What Is This Secret ‘DC Prep’ Trailer Thing?

Well. Here’s a trailer for some sort of secret potential series about rich, preppy, well-connected young people in Washington. Aside from the YouTube title — “DC PREP Trailer for Secret Television Series Coming Soon!” — the Internet is not telling us much more. Read more on What Is This Secret ‘DC Prep’ Trailer Thing?…
 

Tax Returns Prove Bush, Cheney Not Yet Richest Men On Earth

Presidents and vice presidents file tax returns — they’re just like us! George and Laura Bush filed and guess how much they made in 2007? Just shy of a million! That’s not really so much money. Dick and Lynne Cheney easily beat the fake president’s adjusted gross income of $923,807. But by how much? Read more on Tax Returns Prove Bush, Cheney Not Yet Richest Men On Earth…
 

Romney Will Bequeath Personal Fortune to Tiny Little Man

America’s favorite Mormon Frenchman and dog-torturing varmint-killing plutocrat shocked a University of South Carolina crowd this week by hoisting aloft a toddler and declaring it his sole and personal heir. Apparently the child has the same middle name as Willard “Mitt” Romney, which is why the tyke will be having comical wheelbarrows of cash delivered to his crib. “He’s getting all the money,” crowed Romney. Also, the child is his grandson. [YouTube] Read more on Romney Will Bequeath Personal Fortune to Tiny Little Man…
 

Glamorous Mitt Romney Writes For Glamour

When it comes to executive fashion and grooming tips, multi-millionaire executives who buy their way into politics have long looked to Republican Mitt Romney. With his perfect George Hamilton suntan and manly CEO hairstyle that really reminds you why John Edwards looks like such a girl, Mitt truly defines the flip-flopping elitist New England style once popularized by John Kerry. And now Mitt’s writing for his favorite magazine, GLAMOUR. Read more on Glamorous Mitt Romney Writes For Glamour…
 

Silly Telecoms, You Can’t Bribe A Plutocrat!

Did you know that sometimes a Senator votes in favor of laws favored by people who give him money? Heavens! We’re just as shocked as you, naturally. The latest evidence of this foul practice come from the rolling hills of West Virginia … or, well, we guess, from the corridors of power in Washington, D.C., where Senator Jay Rockefeller, who theoretically represents America’s hillbilliest state, is pushing to give telecom companies immunity from lawsuits arising from that whole awkward illegal spying on Americans thing. Also, in a totally unrelated story, executives and lawyers who work for AT&T and Verizon gave Rockefeller ten times as much money this year as they did in the four previous years combined! Most of the cash came in at big money-giving parties the selfless corporations threw for the senator in New York and San Antonio (two cities that are not in West Virginia). Read more on Silly Telecoms, You Can’t Bribe A Plutocrat!…
 

Masshole Libs Love Airpork

Have you ever been stuck in maddening traffic on the highway outside Boston? Or ground your teeth on a crowded platform at a T station, waiting for an endlessly delayed train? Well, then, you’ll be thrilled to find out that Taxachusetts’ dynamic duo of senators just wrung a bunch of cash out of the Feds for home-state transportation projects! Let’s see which ones they’re proudest of: Read more on Masshole Libs Love Airpork…