Tag Archives: rich people

  Conservation is for little people

Rich A-Holes Guzzling California’s Last Drops Of Water Because ‘We’re Not All Equal’

freedom is deader than this lawn
You may have heard that California is all out of water. Again. This is a thing that happens frequently — not because of abortion, or pagans, or Obama’s policies on Israel — but because the state is mostly a desert and does not make enough water to support California’s addiction to perfectly manicured lawns, swimming pools, and hydrated sidewalks. Gov. Jerry Brown has told Californians to stop wasting all the water, because seriously, people, there is no more left. But rich fucks, being rich fucks, don’t give a fuck. The state is not the boss of them, and they’ll waste all the water they want, because they are better than the rest of us: Read more on Rich A-Holes Guzzling California’s Last Drops Of Water Because ‘We’re Not All Equal’…
  Grill This

Kansas GOP Spends Four Days Failing Extra Hard, Takes Well-Earned Four Day Weekend

As the people of Kansas head into the long weekend, they should take a moment to give thanks that their elected representatives are so dedicated to serving their needs. The state’s fiscal year is winding down and legislators are still looking for a way to make Sam Brownback’s mathematical delusions mesh with the real world, and taxpayers are shelling out over $40,000 a day for a special session because their representatives couldn’t fix the governor-inflicted budget damage by the deadline. Read more on Kansas GOP Spends Four Days Failing Extra Hard, Takes Well-Earned Four Day Weekend…
  Here have some news n stuff

Everyone’s Doing It In The Butt Now

Sure why not?
At Salon, sex doctor Debby Herbenick writes about how buttsex is the new black. We don’t know if we believe it (not that there’s anything wrong with that!), but if it’s on the internet, it must be true, we guess: Read more on Everyone’s Doing It In The Butt Now…
  Will He Take Over Trump's Hair As Well?

Adam Carolla, Who Hosts A Podcast For A Living, Thinks Poor People Are Lazy

Can you imagine being The Daily Caller (or any other conservative media outlet that is trying to be cool), and your biggest celebrity “get” is an extended interview with fading bully/outdated hair product connoisseur Adam Carolla? You’d milk that forever, including highlighting his claim about how rich people are better than poor people, mostly because they’re rich. Read more on Adam Carolla, Who Hosts A Podcast For A Living, Thinks Poor People Are Lazy…
  can't we just forget about that whole camel needle thing?

Rich Lady Calls Cops On Statue Of ‘Homeless Jesus’ For Some Reason That Will Definitely Make Sense

Let’s be honest. There is a lot of bad public art, like the terrifyingly large Marilyn Monroe statue or the rictus death smile Henry Winkler one, but sometimes public art is cool and provocative but then when it is those things, lots of people do not like it at all, oh no they don’t. Take, for example, the homeless Jesus statue, which has many many rich people in a tizzy. The statue depicts Jesus as a vagrant sleeping on a park bench. St. Alban’s Episcopal Church installed the homeless Jesus statue on its property in the middle of an upscale neighborhood filled with well-kept townhomes. Jesus is huddled under a blanket with his face and hands obscured; only the crucifixion wounds on his uncovered feet give him away. That sounds very cool! And very in keeping with the life of Jesus, who was an itinerant wanderer who lived among the poor and downtrodden and “what you do for the least of my brothers” and all that hippie nonsense. But rich people do not really dig the poor and downtrodden, because they are more into that vengeful Jesus that makes them rich through that prosperity gospel stuff and also too Jesus wouldn’t have been a wussy homeless person. The first time Cindy Castano Swannack of Davidson, N.C., saw the statue – called “Homeless Jesus” – she called the police. […] Read more on Rich Lady Calls Cops On Statue Of ‘Homeless Jesus’ For Some Reason That Will Definitely Make Sense…
  Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E Becomes Final Today

Hey Ladies! Scary Old Rupert Murdoch Is About To Be Single Again

The terms of News Corp’s CEO, chairman, and destroyer of all things good in media Rupert Murdoch’s divorce from his pie-jacking, badass, third wife Wendi Deng Murdoch are set to be finalized in front of a New York judge today. And other than the little matter of poor Rupert handing over what some people have guessed is between 1.2 and 2 billion divorce dollars, and the 44 million dollar apartment in NYC which she is totally keeping, Emperor Palpatine’s doppelganger and his erstwhile bride of almost 15 years have all the prenuptial and postnuptial (which we were not even rich enough to know existed) agreements that one of the top 100 richest, and number one most evilest, media men in the world could possibly need. So this thing here today should all be pretty quick and painless, as far as billion dollar divorces go. But there was still some rather insidery stuff reported on the Murdoch split, thanks to Michael Wolff’s fairly overwrought article in the USA Today from a week and a half ago, that we did not see until now. Michael Wolff is a guy who wrote a Murdoch biography The Man Who Owns the News, and was also on Keith Olbermann’s old show all the time, talking about how Rupert’s news companies hacking the phones of the entirety of Great Britain and probably the USA might actually take Rupert, his terrible kids, and even more terrible empire down. But of course it did not take anything down and we were stupid to think that it might. And now Michael Wolff says that not going to jail or even getting into trouble really for the hacking thing, and now getting this divorce, have made Rupert Murdoch happier than ever. And isn’t that the most important thing? That Rupert Murdoch is happy? Read more on Hey Ladies! Scary Old Rupert Murdoch Is About To Be Single Again…
  sunday bloody nyt sunday

Ross Douthat Is Sure You Sinners Can Just Go To Europe Or A Blue State For Your Abortions

As you’ve watched the Texas Handmaids’ Tale- style abortion restrictions go into effect, we bet you’ve been wishin’ and hopin’ and prayin’ that Ross Douthat, the baby-faced sad-90s-beard-rocking culture scold would share his derp thoughts with you on the matter. Yr Wonkette has been wishing for this fervently and also, too, sobbing inconsolably at the fact that Ross Douthat has a high-profile NYT column. But enough about us. What about Ross? What does Ross think about Texas ‘bortions? SPOILER ALERT: he doesn’t want ladies to have abortions but rich ladies will still get abortions because of Ireland so it is all good: Read more on Ross Douthat Is Sure You Sinners Can Just Go To Europe Or A Blue State For Your Abortions…
  eye of the needle

Rich People Do Not Give To Charity, Shocker

We will begin this post by asking you a variation of the thing we always ask you, which is: “does it surprise you that a disproportionate amount of rich people are dicks?” And of course it doesn’t, we’re used to it by now and have more or less adjusted to the new status quo of plutocratic post-capitalist Amercia, so it’s tough to really bother getting worked up about it at this point. But still, sometimes we get mathematical confirmation of exactly how selfish so many rich people really are, and it is worthy of specific commentary. For example, today we learned that rich people donate to charity at around half the rate of poor people: Read more on Rich People Do Not Give To Charity, Shocker…
  communists under the bed

Communists At The Atlantic Blame America First

One of us! One of us! We never thought we’d see the day, but the Atlantic, fresh off a story kind of blaming workers for killing a company already in bankruptcy, has published a piece decrying the unfair distribution of American riches and arguing that Job Creators should maybe cough up some tip money so Olds can see the doctor here and there. This piece has been published just in time, because you may refer to it when you inevitably get into an argument about politics tomorrow with a loved one who wants Waitress Moms to sling hash until the age of 70 because “Americans are living longer” and “we can’t afford it” and whatnot. But au contraire, we CAN afford it and also, welcome to the Liberal Elite, Atlantic, and also, some thoughts on why entitlements might be suddenly in need of “reform”… Read more on Communists At The Atlantic Blame America First…
  in your heart you know she's wrong

Ann Romney Still Horrible

Ann Romney, who campaign officials claim is the kinder, warmer, more approachable half of the nation’s premier battery-powered couple, recently revealed to Good Housekeeping magazine that the issue “closest to her heart” is “bringing real change to our educational system,” a system with which Ann first became familiar while serving as, in her words, “First Lady of a State” (sounds fancy) at the tender age of 52, after her children were safely out of reach of the evil public school teachers’ covens/unions. Long story short, guys, Ann is now basically a Ph.D. in “what happens to people’s lives if they don’t get a proper education” like she and everyone she marries, raises, or sponsors in the Olympics did! Read more on Ann Romney Still Horrible…
  wonkette sports desk

Civil Rights: Warlord Condi Rice & Some Plutocrat Finance Lady Allowed To Join Fancy Golf Club

Ahh, so now we know why lying war monster Condolleezza Rice was going around giving wingnut speeches about socialism and such-like. It wasn’t about getting on the presidential ticket — who even wants that? — it was about becoming the first female member of August National golf club, a goal that she attained today. She, along with Darla Moore, an insanely rich finance lady, can now navigate the lush fairways of America’s finest golf course at their leisure without a male Fortune 500 CEO escorting them. Now it’s just the other 99.9% of us schmucks who will never be able to play this course once in our lifetimes. Hooray! Read more on Civil Rights: Warlord Condi Rice & Some Plutocrat Finance Lady Allowed To Join Fancy Golf Club…
  soylent green is old people

Millionaire Former New York Times Typist Pool Manager Bill Keller Calls On Olds To ‘Sacrifice’

Oh GOOD, Bill Keller, a millionaire who used to manage the typists at the New York Times, is here to fix the deficit for us by summarizing a report by the Third Way that itself is based on Congressional Budget Office statistics taken completely out of context. But it’s ok, because the Third Way is a “centrist” organization. (“Centrism,” as we all know, refers not to ideas that are actually in the political center, but rather to ideas that are mostly held by rich white men who talk on the teevee or type in columns about GOP ideas but CALL them centrist, thus confusing “centrism” with ideas that they themselves like and have.) So Bill Keller, centrist, is here to save entitlements by making sure that people entitled to them don’t actually get what they’re entitled to. Read more on Millionaire Former New York Times Typist Pool Manager Bill Keller Calls On Olds To ‘Sacrifice’…
  quiet rooms

Arizona Sen. Jon Kyl: America Has No Class

Why is our socialist Kenyan Marxist Muslim president being so NEGATIVE, hmm? The richest 1% of Americans are doing great! Corporate profits are at an all time high! It should be champagne and caviar for EVERYONE but NO, Obama is insisting on talking about something called the “Middle Class.” Of course, as Senator Jon Kyl (R-Arizona) points out, the existence of such a class is a total fiction because of rising income inequality because there is no such thing as “middle class values.” Even if there were (but there aren’t!), you shouldn’t run around DISCUSSING them, in PUBLIC, when you are the President, because it is un-American! And when you do it, you pit the middle class against people like Michael Jordan, which is bad for everyone. Jon Kyl kindly explained this to his colleagues and to the American people during a speech he made Monday on the Senate floor. Read more on Arizona Sen. Jon Kyl: America Has No Class…
  quiet rooms

Bummed About Your 15 Percent Tax Rate, Job Creators? Have You Considered Paying ‘Zero’ Instead?

It is with a heavy heart that we inform you that we have not significantly appeased our lords and masters the job creators and so they have taken to laundering their money, investing their money speech in offshore tax havens. Some of the world’s money launderers biggest banks, in fact, have been quietly helping 100,000 of our finest job creators and their families hide somewhere between $21 and $32 trillion in assets offshore in places like Switzerland and the Cayman Islands. The good news, however, is that this isn’t really anything that you people need to worry about. After all, being as you’re a Poor, you’re not as educated and wouldn’t understand that this is just how the system works, is all! These are swashbuckling captains of industry, taking such RISKS for the betterment of the economy and for us all, surely they deserve to evade avoid a little taxes here and there as repayment for their fulfilling their patriotic duty of being rich creating jobs? It’s as AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE! Read more on Bummed About Your 15 Percent Tax Rate, Job Creators? Have You Considered Paying ‘Zero’ Instead?…
  quiet rooms

Goldman Offers Banking For The One Percent And There Will Be Neither Credit Cards Nor Toasters

The problem with retail banking, see, is that even Poors can sometimes scrape enough money together to get a bank account or a loan, and then they’re all blah blah blah, you are foreclosing on my house by mistake, or blah blah blah, I will not pay your $5 fee, and then sometimes they will cause a SCENE about these trifles, and it is embarrassing for everyone. Goldman Sachs has learned from Bank of America’s experiences with Poors, and so it will be launching its retail banking arm for the exclusive use of very very rich people and also for corporations (which, fun fact, are also a type of rich person). This way, they can make sure they don’t lend to Poors and also avoid any possibility of exposure to such inconveniences as “the market,” as well as the undignified practice of “giving away free toasters” SERIOUSLY. Read more on Goldman Offers Banking For The One Percent And There Will Be Neither Credit Cards Nor Toasters…
  $100 million isn't cool

What’s In Your IRA? Don’t Worry, Mitt Romney Doesn’t Know Either

Oh HI, rapidly aging baby boomers! How is that retirement planning coming? From what we hear, not so hot! Perhaps if America’s baby boomers had been as smart as Mitt Romney and found a way to siphon $100,000,000 (ONE HUNDRED MILLION) into an IRA (individual retirement account to you young ones) in spite of strict caps on contributions, and found tax loopholes to exploit and sent their moneys on exotic vacations to places like Bermuda, they would not have to suckle so hard from the government’s teat and would be able to exercise Personal Responsibility of the kind that Saint Reagan preached. Read more on What’s In Your IRA? Don’t Worry, Mitt Romney Doesn’t Know Either…