Wonkette

Well, who the hell knows, but we have it on very good authority — an email sent to your editor, who is not named “Chris” — that Rhode Island senior senator Jack Reed will become Obama’s running mate, officially, in the next few hours or at least by tomorrow morning. Why some Eastern senator from a make-believe state? Because he’s a Military Hero, get it? MORE »

With an astounding 2,000 signatures (that means every Rhode Islander signed this petition twice), supporters of Ralph Nader and Matt Gonzales will FORMALLY SUBMIT PAPERWORK today to get their candidates on the November 2008 election ballot in the Ocean State. According to a campaign announcement, freedom will now ring from West Warwick to Usquepaugh, from the Big Blue Bug off I-95 to Trustom Pond, and all will hoist a frothing mug of coffee milk to their new consumer advocate overlord.

Hey Rhode Islanders, did you all know that prostitution is kinda legal in your heathen separatist state? Well thanks to Eliot Spitzer, that may not be the case anymore! According to the Providence Journal, “Rhode Island lawmakers are considering a bill that would close the loophole in this state’s laws that makes prostitution legal if it occurs indoors.” Yes, that is slightly more than a loophole. Either way, thanks for ruining more lives, Spitzer. MORE »

So he’s still winning the popular vote and the “normal” delegates and maybe the Hope Monsters of Space vote? But he has not won things! Hillary Clinton is the great winner of maybe one or two races!

We mean for the Democrats, of course. Looks like Barack Obama might take Texas, but Ohio is still tight, and the “creator of worlds” state of Rhode Island is way, way too close to call with no votes and nothing counted and maybe not even a primary. How would anyone even know?

With 0% reporting in Texas, Barack Obama is the King of the Republic of Texas! But with 0% of Ohio reporting, Hillary Clinton is the new Queen of Ohio! Who will win? What’s with the confetti? How lonely is John McCain tonight? MORE »

In four lucky states today, voters got to stand in line and have their cars towed while they exercised their inalienable right to vote for hilariously named candidates like “Manlove.” Stay with us tonight as we cover the race from scrappy Rhode Island to tender Vermont to “high in the middle” Ohio to that other state, the one that used to be Mexico. One lucky Wonkette editor will provide on-the-ground coverage of the endangered Texas Primacaucus and then liveblog drunkenly from a downtown Austin bar. Your other editors will be at home, cooking meth and chortling at Chris Matthews. Stock up on guns and liquor, and we’ll see you tonight! [Washington Post]

Every four years, Americans who happen to be primary voters in Texas, Ohio, Rhode Island and Vermont all meet up at the polling place to take dumb pictures with their iPhones. And then they hum “The Star Spangled Banner” or “Up Against The Wall You Redneck Mother” or Neil Young’s “Ohio” as they send the pix to Wonkette. Please stop being unpatriotic and please start sending us your Stupid Tuesday Polling Pix right now! (Use the “email” feature of your phone, by “emailing” photos to tips@wonkette.com.)

Silly voters! You might think politics is “a game” about “who’s up and who’s down,” but really it’s all about who’s up in Rhode Island. Because even though Barack Obama has pulled ahead in Texas polls and Hillary Clinton still leads in Ohio, the real victor in the March 4 multi-state Democratic primaries will be the contender who wins the biggest little state in the union. And right now it’s looking like Clinton by a landslide. [Real Clear Politics]

Former presidential frontrunner Mike Huckabee continues to run for president, despite his complete lack of funds, chances of winning, or rapidly waning popularity among the American people. Also, the fact that John McCain has won the nomination, “mathematically.” But Huck believes in the miracles of superstitious cult icon Jesus, and he is still campaigning on that amiable combo of good humor and punching supporters in the chin (above). Join us on an AP photo tour after the jump and see how Huckabee has been spending the rest of his week! MORE »

Lest we get overly concerned with the Texas and Ohio firewall primaries on March 4, the real contest that day is up in heathen Rhode Island, where Hillary spent her Sunday! She donned a yellow sweater that bore the name of that very same state. But what is her plan to win that state? Let’s see if we can determine it through this batch of revealing AP photos. MORE »

Just as his lord and savior Jesus Christ was able to feed 5,000 people by multiplying a few loaves and fishes, so will Republican presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee be able to take votes from the 5,000 permanent residents of the wee state of Rhode Island and turn them into a massive electoral bonanza. Today Huckabee campaigns in the Ocean State, which holds many strange and puzzling parallels to several biblical locations and stories. MORE »

So it turns out Hillary Clinton is running that ad in Vermont because people will be voting in some sort of “primary” there soon, except it’s on the same day as Ohio and Texas so nobody cares. Similarly, Rhode Island will also be voting on March 4. It turns out that Rhode Islanders, in spite of their legendary venality, corruption, and love for coffee milk, are still allowed to vote in presidential primaries. [AP/AP]