Poor Rhode Island is a wee state with a huge unemployment problem, horrible taxes, and an abysmally high cost of living. Fortunately, it’s also got a governor with a can-do attitude who sees one very obvious way to dig the state out of its current budget mess: just get state workers to take two and a half weeks off, unpaid, over the next year or so. MORE »

Oh right! Today is a very important day in Rhode Island history, because it commemorates the occasion 237 years ago when a bunch of Rhode Island nuts totally stuck it to the man and shot a British captain, IN THE GROIN, with a musket ball. (Then they burned his ship down.) It was among the very first incidents of truly violent colonial insurrection against the British, and of course the attack on the British trade-monitoring schooner Gaspee was led by a band of piratical (and likely drunk) Rhode Islanders who were just sick of having some Teabag all up in their business, inspectin’ their cargos for contraband. MORE »

Only three types of human come from Rhode Island: Portuguese people; descendants of fancy old-money white people with comical names like “Claiborne”; and dope fiends. A new study proves it! MORE »

Well, who the hell knows, but we have it on very good authority — an email sent to your editor, who is not named “Chris” — that Rhode Island senior senator Jack Reed will become Obama’s running mate, officially, in the next few hours or at least by tomorrow morning. Why some Eastern senator from a make-believe state? Because he’s a Military Hero, get it? MORE »

With an astounding 2,000 signatures (that means every Rhode Islander signed this petition twice), supporters of Ralph Nader and Matt Gonzales will FORMALLY SUBMIT PAPERWORK today to get their candidates on the November 2008 election ballot in the Ocean State. According to a campaign announcement, freedom will now ring from West Warwick to Usquepaugh, from the Big Blue Bug off I-95 to Trustom Pond, and all will hoist a frothing mug of coffee milk to their new consumer advocate overlord.

Hey Rhode Islanders, did you all know that prostitution is kinda legal in your heathen separatist state? Well thanks to Eliot Spitzer, that may not be the case anymore! According to the Providence Journal, “Rhode Island lawmakers are considering a bill that would close the loophole in this state’s laws that makes prostitution legal if it occurs indoors.” Yes, that is slightly more than a loophole. Either way, thanks for ruining more lives, Spitzer. MORE »

So he’s still winning the popular vote and the “normal” delegates and maybe the Hope Monsters of Space vote? But he has not won things! Hillary Clinton is the great winner of maybe one or two races!

We mean for the Democrats, of course. Looks like Barack Obama might take Texas, but Ohio is still tight, and the “creator of worlds” state of Rhode Island is way, way too close to call with no votes and nothing counted and maybe not even a primary. How would anyone even know?

With 0% reporting in Texas, Barack Obama is the King of the Republic of Texas! But with 0% of Ohio reporting, Hillary Clinton is the new Queen of Ohio! Who will win? What’s with the confetti? How lonely is John McCain tonight? MORE »

In four lucky states today, voters got to stand in line and have their cars towed while they exercised their inalienable right to vote for hilariously named candidates like “Manlove.” Stay with us tonight as we cover the race from scrappy Rhode Island to tender Vermont to “high in the middle” Ohio to that other state, the one that used to be Mexico. One lucky Wonkette editor will provide on-the-ground coverage of the endangered Texas Primacaucus and then liveblog drunkenly from a downtown Austin bar. Your other editors will be at home, cooking meth and chortling at Chris Matthews. Stock up on guns and liquor, and we’ll see you tonight! [Washington Post]

Every four years, Americans who happen to be primary voters in Texas, Ohio, Rhode Island and Vermont all meet up at the polling place to take dumb pictures with their iPhones. And then they hum “The Star Spangled Banner” or “Up Against The Wall You Redneck Mother” or Neil Young’s “Ohio” as they send the pix to Wonkette. Please stop being unpatriotic and please start sending us your Stupid Tuesday Polling Pix right now! (Use the “email” feature of your phone, by “emailing” photos to tips@wonkette.com.)