Tag Archives: retirement

  What happens at your retirement party stays at your retirement party

Harry Reid Invited To Celebrate Retirement With Hookers, Will Have To Bring His Own Blow

Sen. Harry 'The Stud' Reid
Go for it, Harry. Go out with a bang: A brothel in Nevada has offered to host U.S. Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid’s retirement party to thank him for efforts during his more than three decades in the U.S. Congress it says have “positively affected” the lives of legal sex workers in the state. Read more on Harry Reid Invited To Celebrate Retirement With Hookers, Will Have To Bring His Own Blow…
  so long farewell

Harry Reid Retiring To Let Someone Else Lead Senate Democrats To Defeat For A Change

Sooooooooo mean!
After insisting that he would absolutely seek re-election in 2016, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid released a video and statement reminding us, in case we’d forgotten, that he used to be an amateur boxer — oh, and also, he will not seek re-election after all. Read more on Harry Reid Retiring To Let Someone Else Lead Senate Democrats To Defeat For A Change…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Brian Williams Gets Six Months, Jon Stewart Gets Life (Video)

Whaaat?
Tuesday night was just one big bucket of breaking media news, what with NBC news anchor Brian Williams getting suspended without pay for six months, effective immediately, and Jon Stewart announcing that he is leaving the Daily Show forever, effective eventually. Brian Williams has got to be feeling pretty darn lucky about the timing — Maddow leads with his suspension, of course, but what people will be talking about is Stewart’s departure. In fact, following her own show, Maddow went over to Lawrence O’Donnell’s studio and sat in on the panel discussing the changes — the Williams announcement got five or ten minutes, and the Stewart news took up the rest of the program. Read more on Morning Maddow: Brian Williams Gets Six Months, Jon Stewart Gets Life (Video)…
  Also Did We Mention God? She's Big On God

In Surprising Farewell Address, Michele Bachmann Admits Liking Freedom, God

Here's the story, of a crazy lady, who was talking to a devil to her right ...
Michele Bachmann gave her farewell address to the House of Representatives Tuesday, and while we were worried that she might just stand up and announce that all her email should be forwarded to Shelly@CrazyEyes.com, she actually did deliver a thoroughly Bachmannian speech. It hits all the required notes: Freedom, In God We Trust, Why the House is the Best House, plus several extra helpings of God stuff just to be sure. Read more on In Surprising Farewell Address, Michele Bachmann Admits Liking Freedom, God…
  all the dissents Katie

Now Is The Time For All Good Americans To Nerdcrush On Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Katie Couric has this hot job doing the online journalisming with Yahoo now, and she spent some time talking with Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who we don’t mind saying we are in deep nerdlove with. The interview takes place in Ginsburg’s office at the court, which looks a bit too much like a set for “Supreme Court Justice’s Office,” all dark wood, stacks of books, and memorabilia. There’s a sweet moment at the beginning where Ginsburg shows off her collection of (usually) lace collars (or jabots if you’re into fancy Frenchy-talk), including a rather fierce-looking beast that she wears when delivering a dissent. Read more on Now Is The Time For All Good Americans To Nerdcrush On Ruth Bader Ginsburg…
  unsafe at any creed

Pat Robertson Puts The ‘Jew’ In ‘Jeweler’

Pat Robertson just enjoys being Pat Robertson, and he doesn’t care who knows it. And by golly, he sure does admire how people of the Hebrew persuasion are so darn good at making money — it really is something to be admired, not a shameful stereotype. And so it makes perfect sense that he’d have a warm welcome for guest Daniel Lapin, a rightwing rabbi, who appeared on Monday’s 700 Club to flog his new book about what Robertson called the “ancient Jewish wisdom” that helps your Jewy types to grab that cash with both hands and make a stash: “What is it about Jewish people that make them prosper financially? You almost never find Jews tinkering with their cars on the weekends or mowing their lawns. That’s what Daniel Lapin says and there’s a very good reason for that, and it lies within the business secrets of the Bible.” It’s that special Bible magic that lets Jews spend their weekends, as Robertson exclaims later, “polishing diamonds, not fixing cars!” And by golly, home viewer, maybe if you listen very carefully, you can learn a thing or two from this Jew fella! And send a generous contribution to keep this ministry on the air, of course. Read more on Pat Robertson Puts The ‘Jew’ In ‘Jeweler’…
  let's bash this bishop

Could New Pope Please Cancel This American Remake Of ‘Bling Bishop’?

Hey, remember the story about the German “Bling Bishop” who got suspended after everybody was outraged by the $55 million cost of renovating his personal residence? Right here in U.S. America, we seem to have our own version of an archbishop who’s a little like that, too, though on a smaller scale. Take a look at this New York Times story about John J. Myers, the archbishop of the Archdiocese of Newark, New Jersey, who’s also getting some home improvements done. Now, it’s not exactly on the scale of the German bishop’s palace — it’s a 3000-square-foot addition to a vacation home that Myers will retire to in two years, not a restoration of an 800-year-old building, and there’s definitely nothing to compare to the German place’s $20,000 bathtub. In fact, it’s almost a bargain at only half a million dollars, which would barely cover the cost of the German residence’s solid gold hamster cages (don’t ask). Read more on Could New Pope Please Cancel This American Remake Of ‘Bling Bishop’?…
  plenty of asses to kick in the private sector

Henry Waxman Leaving Congress, Has Had Enough Of Your Crap

Well, nuts, this is a genuine, bona fide Moment of Sad: after 20 terms in the House of Representatives, liberal healthcare superhero Henry Waxman and his unfortunate teeth announced today that he’ll be retiring at the end of his current term. In honor of his impressive cranium, may we suggest that the renovations of the U.S. Capitol be named the Waxman Dome? Read more on Henry Waxman Leaving Congress, Has Had Enough Of Your Crap…
  the way we were

Weep Weep Wonket For Your Fallen Hero Michele Bachmann

It takes a big woman to admit both her poor electoral chances and the investigation into all her crimes, in the first minute and a half of her speech announcing her upcoming retirement, or else it takes an amateurish speechwriter who isn’t really aware of stuff like “not bringing up poor electoral chances and the investigation into all her crimes in the first minute and a half of a retirement speech.” Six of one, and cetera! Anyway, here is our greatest pal, Michele Bachmann, announcing that her upcoming retirement has nothing whatsoever to do with her poor electoral chances or the investigation into all her crimes. Then she says a lot more stuff, we were not listening, as the air started going all wavy around us, and suddenly we were slo-motioning in flashback, remembering the time we picked her a flower, and the time we smeared frosting on each other’s noses, and the time we sang into hairbrushes in our jamas, and all the other good times we had. Read more on Weep Weep Wonket For Your Fallen Hero Michele Bachmann…
  vatileaks are nasty

Let’s All Blame The Gays For The Pope’s Retirement

Oh boy, here we go! This week may have started out all “slow-newsy-snoozey” but never fear, wonketteers! The fabulous ruby-slippered Pope’s retirement has become embroiled in a scandal described with words like “seething hotbed of intrigue and infighting.” What? Oh yes! Let the hunt for all double entendres possible commence! A potentially explosive report has linked the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI to the discovery of a network of gay prelates in the Vatican, some of whom – the report said – were being blackmailed by outsiders. The pope’s spokesman declined to confirm or deny the report, which was carried by the Italian daily newspaper La Repubblica. Declined to confirm or deny? Well that just begs for some rampant speculation — and innuendo, don’t forget that part — and let’s try to figure out what happened besides the obvious, which is that gays and their gayness ruin everything. Read more on Let’s All Blame The Gays For The Pope’s Retirement…
  opinionatin'

Fred Thompson Explains How Tax Returns Work: Let’s Say There’s a Guy Watching Pornography…

Dadgum bumblebee-belchin’ hoopdy bumbler mcdoo Fred Thompson, the former Senator who was convinced to “run for president” in 2008 because he drove a pick-up truck, has finally weighed in on the issue of Mitt Romney’s undisclosed tax returns. Writing at National Review, which is trying to reestablish its cred after publishing that editorial a few weeks ago telling Romney to release his returns, the ol’ derper says, shucks, well I says, I says don’t release those taxy money-papers to the presscritters — just ignore those dumblydoodlies; they don’t deserve nothin’ so much in the way of informinatin’ and such like. The whole media sitchee-ation’s a lot like pornography, what with the watchin’, and the frownin’, and the no-goodin’. (Fred Thompson has written a poor column.) Read more on Fred Thompson Explains How Tax Returns Work: Let’s Say There’s a Guy Watching Pornography……
  $100 million isn't cool

What’s In Your IRA? Don’t Worry, Mitt Romney Doesn’t Know Either

Oh HI, rapidly aging baby boomers! How is that retirement planning coming? From what we hear, not so hot! Perhaps if America’s baby boomers had been as smart as Mitt Romney and found a way to siphon $100,000,000 (ONE HUNDRED MILLION) into an IRA (individual retirement account to you young ones) in spite of strict caps on contributions, and found tax loopholes to exploit and sent their moneys on exotic vacations to places like Bermuda, they would not have to suckle so hard from the government’s teat and would be able to exercise Personal Responsibility of the kind that Saint Reagan preached. Read more on What’s In Your IRA? Don’t Worry, Mitt Romney Doesn’t Know Either…
  Screwing Poors and Old People

Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz Has Some Original Ideas On Fixing The Deficit

Representative Jason Chaffetz, a Republican (duh) from Utah, has a lot in common with his fellow Republicans, given that he thinks that fixing the deficit is a very, very important issue, but! not so important that we should be willing to cut defense spending or let the Bush tax cuts expire to get the job done. See, to Representative Jason Chaffetz, the deficit is a very specific level of important that necessitates raising the retirement age to 72, but does NOT require the expiration of the Bush tax cuts. In an op-ed over at The Hill called “Washington Has a Spending Problem, Not a Revenue Problem,” Chaffetz patiently explains that if we’d all just be willing to pitch in and sacrifice a little — you know, retire at 72, privatize Medicare, limit government assistance to Poors, that sort of thing — we can protect the interests of oil companies and rich people AND fix the deficit! Read more on Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz Has Some Original Ideas On Fixing The Deficit…
  we can rebuild him

Romney Camp Saddened $100,000,000 Retirement Fund To Be Taxed At Rate Paid By Plebes

Hey, Mittster, why the long face? What? Your retirement account holding somewhere between $21 and $100 million will be taxed at the same 35 percent rate the rest of us pay, instead of the 15 percent rate for “job creators”? THOSE FUCKERS! How do you even live??? ThinkProgress noted this peach of a story in The Wall Street Journal, which is mostly about funny ways Bain Capital made like 500 percent gains on its employees’ IRAs or something, so what who cayuhs, but it does also have this golden nugget: One news item, cited approvingly on Mr. Fleischer’s blog, said Mr. Romney didn’t appear to be engaged in an aggressive strategy to use charitable contributions of stock to lower his taxes. Mr. Romney gave $4 million to charity last year, exceeding his tax bill. Yeah, haha, we almost forgot that Romney is paying $6 million in taxes on $45 million in income (that’s two years’ worth). Don’t know why we would forget something like that; it’s not like he doesn’t keep trying to remind us. Anyhoo, learn something about real sadness, in the form of Romney’s IRA tax problem, after the jump! Read more on Romney Camp Saddened $100,000,000 Retirement Fund To Be Taxed At Rate Paid By Plebes…
  the american dream

New American Retirement Scenario: Work Until You Die

Here is some good news for all the working stiffs: nobody except the top quartile of income earners will be able to retire at 65 anymore, so plan on working until you die. Young people trying to find jobs? You will never, ever find a job because all the jobs will be taken by 80-year-old people, especially those good Wal-Mart jobs. Read more on New American Retirement Scenario: Work Until You Die…
  she spits on your greenbacks

Sotomayor’s Spending Habits Reveal She Is … A Communist?

The whole “Sonia Sotomayor is the reanimated corpse of Michael Jackson come to kill all yr babies” approach does not seem to be working so well for opponents of the Supreme Court candidate, so they’ve basically got two options: they can cite that Ricci case and talk about how she’s a racist (although not a judicial activist!), or they can talk about how much money she spends and how that makes her a bad capitalist. Read more on Sotomayor’s Spending Habits Reveal She Is … A Communist?…
  embarrassing secrets

Supreme Court Nominee Is A Poor

What is wrong with this Sonia Sotomayor, that she is not sitting on a fat pile of cash like most upstanding citizens? Her financial disclosure forms suggest she’s got in the neighborhood of $100,000 socked away, which is not terribly impressive for a fancy judge who has had her fancy judging job for a while. Read more on Supreme Court Nominee Is A Poor…
  milestones

Sam Donaldson To Retire

Youngsters know Sam Donaldson as one of the geezers on This Week who’s always yelling at George Will. But those of you over the age 15 might also recall that Sam Donaldson has been in the news business for several centuries and is prone to marvelous, sweeping and generally wrong predictions, like how Bill Clinton would leave office in like minus two seconds if the Monica Lewinsky rumors were true. He also enjoyed shouting at Ronald Reagan a lot. Here is a loving tribute from Cokie Roberts: on an overnight flight to France, Sam Donaldson once “had the flight attendants literally on their knees at his seat.” This American Hero will retire next week at the age of 74. [Washington Post] Read more on Sam Donaldson To Retire…
 

Nobody Wants to Play Anymore

Today, Jim McCrery of Louisiana became the 17th Republican in the House to announce that he’s not running for re-election. McCrery is the head Republican on the Ways and Means Committee and is reportedly depressed that he can’t make its Chair, Charlie Rangel, see his point of view. In a completely unrelated note, McCrery has been dogged with rumors of bisexuality at least since 1992, when The Advocate published its exposé about his rumored bisexuality. Of course, he also says wants to spend more time with his family. [CQ Politics, The Advocate via BlogActive] Read more on Nobody Wants to Play Anymore…
 

Senate to Lose Third of ‘Chuck Caucus’

Nebraska Senator and cranky old anti-war Republican Chuck Hagel has finally made that big announcement he promised us months ago. Turns out that instead of running for President he’s going to make good on his term limit promise and retire from electoral politics forever or until he gets bored and decides to run for something again in a couple years. This leaves the Senate in utter disarray with only Senators Grassley and Schumer representing the all-important “Chuck” constituency. Read more on Senate to Lose Third of ‘Chuck Caucus’…
 

Crazy Congressional Candidate of the Day

We hear that it’s basically a done deal that Sherwood Boehlert (R-NY) is announcing his retirement today. So we’d like to recommend a replacement. This gentleman here is currently running an unwinnable primary race against Count Rep. Chocola. We highly recommend pulling him out and sending him to defend Mr. Boehlert’s district. Why? Because he’s got an unbeatable platform: Read more on Crazy Congressional Candidate of the Day…
 

Sources Have Spotted the Vice President Bitching About Poor Restaurant Service In Delray Beach

To you: a funny picture. To defenders of freedom (and Drudge), proof of liberal bias. Of course, had they checked a different* feed for pictures from the Summit on Retirement Savings (what a party that was — we’re still recovering), they would’ve turned up an even more blatant example of editorializing by wire photographers: Read more on Sources Have Spotted the Vice President Bitching About Poor Restaurant Service In Delray Beach…