Racist television goblin Lou Dobbs revealed a very scary story earlier this week on his radio show (he’s on the radio, too?). Three weeks earlier, he claimed, his New Jersey mansion was shot at while his wife was standing outside, and this came after “weeks and weeks of threatening phone calls.” Never one to rush to judgment about anything, Lou Dobbs… immediately started freaking out about Mexicans and Mexican-supporting liberals again, adding, tastelessly, for ratings, “if anybody thinks that we’re not engaged in the battle for the soul of this country right now, you’re sorely mistaken.” We don’t really know how some douche or another hitting Lou Dobbs’ mansion with a bullet is indicative of a “battle for the soul of this country,” but we do know that “battle for the soul of this country” is not very tension-defusing rhetoric. Especially when there are still many, many questions about the nature of the incident! MORE »

Here is overrated piece of performance art Michele Bachmann suggesting on the House floor last night that, you know actually, if you look at the first letter of the first word on each even-numbered page of the latest iteration of the Democrats’ health care bill, it spells out the following: “CHILDREN, TEENAGE CHILDREN, COULD BE HAVING SEX WITH DRUG PEOPLE AND GETTING ABORTIONS FIVE MINUTES LATER, AND REPEATING THESE UNCOUTH SEX TRICKS AD VITAM AETERNAM, AND YOU WOULD BE NONE THE WISER.” It’s true! MORE »

Okay everyone just hold on for just one sec, we have a REQUEST FOR A RE-DO from Trent Franks, some sort of struggling freelance Congressman who called Obama an “enemy of humanity”: “Bethany Haley, spokeswoman for Franks, said the congressman was referring to ‘unborn humanity’ and should have clarified his statement.” HA! Like four seconds until Trig Palin & the Unborn Humanity is MySpace’s most downloaded aggro-rap outfit. Anyway: astounding. Just… astounding. [AP]

The Blackwater news was, what, two years ago now, and we’re still inexplicably allowing these creepy private security companies to not only take the helm “guarding” major war zones, but to do so without *any* military supervision or need to adhere to basic laws or standards of conduct? Well THANK GOD this is the case, because the private sector works better, always, everywhere, and creates incentives for profit-minded companies to compete in the booming “who can act most retardedly and embarrassingly and illegally in a war zone” market. At the end of the day, it’s savings for the American consumer! No — scratch that: At the end of the day, it’s naked, fat contractor slobs, supposedly protecting the U.S. Embassy in Kabul, but really just drinking poop-filtered cheap vodka and chips with dip, the dip being poop, from each other’s unwiped assholes. MORE »

This is just over the top. He even puts a Presidential Seal on it — wait till the election’s over, please? Anyway, to see the whole Presidential Bracket, check out this Washington Post article and READ THE COMMENTS. They are very concerned about the President promoting gambling with this popular American ritual: MORE »

There were always two of them, at America’s favorite comedy blog, National Review Online. It was the Rule of the Two, as written by Dark Lord Reagan, on Dagoba. “Kathleen” would be a clever writer and kind of funny and attractive, although still a terrible Fascist, and “Kathryn” would be, well, “K-Lo.” Obviously, the smarter of the two would eventually be forced to admit that Sarah Palin is a dumb cretin. And now this one, Kathleen Parker, is touching herself in a tub of Holy Water, while smoking her last cigarette and laughing at the idiot bible-thumpers who ruined the Republican Party, forever. This is all in the Washington Post! MORE »

Well, we’re convinced! How about you, communists? Here is an idea: After the election, or maybe even tomorrow, let’s shut down the Internet. The whole thing. Top to bottom. The money’s gone, fun’s over, time to look for sharp sticks in the yard and defend your garage from weirdos. Let’s do it. [YouTube]

Alaskan waterhead Sarah Palin went to Ground Zero! She is really enjoying her first trip to a city, and also probably saw MAMMA MIA and The Lion King, which she found “too liberal.” And you know what’s super-duper tall? The Empire State Building, that’s what! They don’t make ‘em like that in Wasilla, where the tallest building is a Taco Bell arch. Anyway, let’s look at the transcript of Palin’s very brief, very embarrassing bit of give and take with the poor reporters who have to follow this idiot around New York and finally got to holler four questions today. MORE »

Idaho Congressman Bill Sali has been participating in the current GOP Cuddle Party For Oil. But no one will listen to him even though he knows everything! In fact, he could solve the entire energy crisis in one hot minute if people paid any damn attention, because he knows that there “could be up to 40 barrels of oil” in a single tree. Ha ha, look at what you’ve really been hugging all these years, you filthy liberal hippies: a filthy casket of crude oil. Unless somehow Sali doesn’t know what he’s talking about? MORE »

This is one of many great short films submitted to something called Cinemocracy.org, which is the official film festival of the DNC in Denver! One of these lucky crazy people, hopefully this one, above, who is moaning into a 9-foot-long tube, will be the winner and get their crazy-ass little YouTube shown to 75,000 people at the Mile High Stadium when Barack Obama is anointed as the Prince of Lies, by Barbra Streisand in a Soviet-red burkini. MORE »

Oh look who is enjoying the Special Olympics in China! It’s your own president, George W. Bush. His nice daughter Barbara is making the “OMFG I am so ashamed and yet I sort of smile while clawing my brains out through my ear” face. [Getty via Andrew Sullivan]