Tag Archives: retards

  win of the afternoon

Glenn Beck Fans Can’t Spell Glenn Beck’s Name, Either

It’s time for a special late-night edition of Oh Dear God the Glenn Beck People Are Still Trying To Comment On Wonkette. But first, a special contribution to the “Tea Party Racists Will All Listen To NPR Now” post from the other day. This person wants us to know that it’s okay to be racist, because Bill Clinton and Joe Biden were “enthusiastic members of the KKK.” We forgot about that! Read more on Glenn Beck Fans Can’t Spell Glenn Beck’s Name, Either…
  idiots

Republican National Committee Candidates Unfamiliar With Books

Which pea-brained clown will become the new chairperson of the Republican National Committee? Whether it’s the dingbat woman dreaming of getting wasted at her kitchen table again or the lunkhead who just keeps barking “Reagan! Reagan!” when asked if he has ever read a book, all five of these mouth-breathing imbeciles are perfect representatives of America’s Political Elite, circa 2011. Read more on Republican National Committee Candidates Unfamiliar With Books…
  new study proves it

U.S. Army Rejecting 80% of Kids For Being Dumb Obese Criminals

A sad new study makes that whole “DREAM Act” defeat a little more tragic: More than 80% of Americans trying to join the Army can’t meet the very low minimum requirements. The first 75% gets immediately disqualified “because they are physically unfit, have a criminal record or didn’t graduate high school.” That second pool is then given a very basic test — a question supposedly on the test is “If 2 plus x equals 4, what is the value of x?” And more than 23% flunk it. If the “DREAM Act” was basically a way to import some higher quality recruits for our doomed foreign wars, just as the Roman Empire had to eventually hire the barbarians to protect the frontiers from other barbarians, then the legislative defeat of that new policy probably means we can skip the centuries of pathetic decline and just go straight to hunting rats in the street, for Christmas presents. Read more on U.S. Army Rejecting 80% of Kids For Being Dumb Obese Criminals…
  intellectually disabled people are retarded

FEDERAL LAW TO REINTRODUCE ALL SORTS OF NEW JOKE POSSIBILITIES: “Senators are preparing to eliminate all references in federal law to the terms ‘mental retardation’ and ‘mentally retarded individual.’ Rosa’s Law, which will be marked up on Wednesday, would replace those terms with ‘intellectual disability’ and ‘individual with an intellectual disability.'” In other words, federal law is being rewritten in such a way that a full 100% of Americans will now be officially retarded. [The Hill] Read more on …
  tyranny!

GEICO Voice Dropped After Simply Asking FreedomWorks A Question About Their Retards

We had not heard about this! Has “other we” (Ken Layne) brought it up? Not enough time to look through the archives, COPY-PASTE: “Actor Lance Baxter, otherwise known as ‘D.C. Douglas,’ currently known as the man who informs you how much Geico can save you on car insurance, left a message last month with FreedomWorks in which he asked the group how many ‘mentally retarded’ people it had on staff and what it would do when a tea partyer ‘killed someone.'” Read more on GEICO Voice Dropped After Simply Asking FreedomWorks A Question About Their Retards…
  making fox news look smart

CNN Idiot Rick Sanchez Thinks Iceland Is ‘Too Cold’ For Volcanoes

Rick Sanchez is so stupid that other teevee anchor people are embarrassed for him. Here’s CNN’s most comical idiot saying that Iceland is “too cold” for volcanic eruptions, because of course volcanoes depend upon the surface air temperature to heat the lava and ash deep below the Earth’s crust. That’s why “long words” like Hawaii — with just one more syllable than “Iceland” — have so many volcanoes all the time, it’s just so warm! [YouTube] Read more on CNN Idiot Rick Sanchez Thinks Iceland Is ‘Too Cold’ For Volcanoes…
  america's greatest newspapers

Washington Post Opiners Debate: What About Retards?

The recent very serious edition of the Washington Post tackled the question of Retards: what of this word, “retard”? Are there perhaps pros and cons to the word “retard,” and can we divide the competing arguments into two page-filling columns, from “retard” experts? What can the art department gin up for a “retard” debate? Read more on Washington Post Opiners Debate: What About Retards?…
  rumors on the internets

America Asks For Thousands Of ‘Cyber Warriors,’ Thousands Of Basement-Dwellers Heed The Call

Clarence Thomas skipped the State of the Union so he could sit on his sofa and soak his feet in a bucket of “self-loathing black man.” [Weekly Standard] Most Improved Wino Nancy Pelosi spent 100,000 smackaroos (USD) on vodka nips and airplane pretzels. [RedState] Read more on America Asks For Thousands Of ‘Cyber Warriors,’ Thousands Of Basement-Dwellers Heed The Call…
  the battle for the soul of this country

Questions Surround Lou Dobbs’ ‘The Taco-Eaters Shot My Wife’ Story

Racist television goblin Lou Dobbs revealed a very scary story earlier this week on his radio show (he’s on the radio, too?). Three weeks earlier, he claimed, his New Jersey mansion was shot at while his wife was standing outside, and this came after “weeks and weeks of threatening phone calls.” Never one to rush to judgment about anything, Lou Dobbs… immediately started freaking out about Mexicans and Mexican-supporting liberals again, adding, tastelessly, for ratings, “if anybody thinks that we’re not engaged in the battle for the soul of this country right now, you’re sorely mistaken.” We don’t really know how some douche or another hitting Lou Dobbs’ mansion with a bullet is indicative of a “battle for the soul of this country,” but we do know that “battle for the soul of this country” is not very tension-defusing rhetoric. Especially when there are still many, many questions about the nature of the incident! Read more on Questions Surround Lou Dobbs’ ‘The Taco-Eaters Shot My Wife’ Story…
  america's health care debate

Introducting The Latest Health Care Lie-Meme, Starring Michele Bachmann!

Here is overrated piece of performance art Michele Bachmann suggesting on the House floor last night that, you know actually, if you look at the first letter of the first word on each even-numbered page of the latest iteration of the Democrats’ health care bill, it spells out the following: “CHILDREN, TEENAGE CHILDREN, COULD BE HAVING SEX WITH DRUG PEOPLE AND GETTING ABORTIONS FIVE MINUTES LATER, AND REPEATING THESE UNCOUTH SEX TRICKS AD VITAM AETERNAM, AND YOU WOULD BE NONE THE WISER.” It’s true! Read more on Introducting The Latest Health Care Lie-Meme, Starring Michele Bachmann!…
  this is how it's done stapleton!

Trent Franks: What I Meant Was That Obama Likes To Antagonize Fetuses, Just Fetuses

Okay everyone just hold on for just one sec, we have a REQUEST FOR A RE-DO from Trent Franks, some sort of struggling freelance Congressman who called Obama an “enemy of humanity”: “Bethany Haley, spokeswoman for Franks, said the congressman was referring to ‘unborn humanity’ and should have clarified his statement.” HA! Like four seconds until Trig Palin & the Unborn Humanity is MySpace’s most downloaded aggro-rap outfit. Anyway: astounding. Just… astounding. [AP] Read more on Trent Franks: What I Meant Was That Obama Likes To Antagonize Fetuses, Just Fetuses…
  our boys overseas

Contractors Guarding U.S. Embassy In Kabul Love To Drink Vodka Out Of Each Others’ Anuses

The Blackwater news was, what, two years ago now, and we’re still inexplicably allowing these creepy private security companies to not only take the helm “guarding” major war zones, but to do so without *any* military supervision or need to adhere to basic laws or standards of conduct? Well THANK GOD this is the case, because the private sector works better, always, everywhere, and creates incentives for profit-minded companies to compete in the booming “who can act most retardedly and embarrassingly and illegally in a war zone” market. At the end of the day, it’s savings for the American consumer! No — scratch that: At the end of the day, it’s naked, fat contractor slobs, supposedly protecting the U.S. Embassy in Kabul, but really just drinking poop-filtered cheap vodka and chips with dip, the dip being poop, from each other’s unwiped assholes. Read more on Contractors Guarding U.S. Embassy In Kabul Love To Drink Vodka Out Of Each Others’ Anuses…
  here is this post

Obama’s Basketball Bracket Looks Presidential, Too

This is just over the top. He even puts a Presidential Seal on it — wait till the election’s over, please? Anyway, to see the whole Presidential Bracket, check out this Washington Post article and READ THE COMMENTS. They are very concerned about the President promoting gambling with this popular American ritual: Read more on Obama’s Basketball Bracket Looks Presidential, Too…
  civil war

Kathleen Parker Mocks the Wingnuts’ God

There were always two of them, at America’s favorite comedy blog, National Review Online. It was the Rule of the Two, as written by Dark Lord Reagan, on Dagoba. “Kathleen” would be a clever writer and kind of funny and attractive, although still a terrible Fascist, and “Kathryn” would be, well, “K-Lo.” Obviously, the smarter of the two would eventually be forced to admit that Sarah Palin is a dumb cretin. And now this one, Kathleen Parker, is touching herself in a tub of Holy Water, while smoking her last cigarette and laughing at the idiot bible-thumpers who ruined the Republican Party, forever. This is all in the Washington Post! Read more on Kathleen Parker Mocks the Wingnuts’ God…
  that settles it

McCain Campaign Goes ‘All In’ With New Ad

Well, we’re convinced! How about you, communists? Here is an idea: After the election, or maybe even tomorrow, let’s shut down the Internet. The whole thing. Top to bottom. The money’s gone, fun’s over, time to look for sharp sticks in the yard and defend your garage from weirdos. Let’s do it. [YouTube] Read more on McCain Campaign Goes ‘All In’ With New Ad…
  she's a genius

Sarah Palin Idiotically Answers Four Questions

Alaskan waterhead Sarah Palin went to Ground Zero! She is really enjoying her first trip to a city, and also probably saw MAMMA MIA and The Lion King, which she found “too liberal.” And you know what’s super-duper tall? The Empire State Building, that’s what! They don’t make ’em like that in Wasilla, where the tallest building is a Taco Bell arch. Anyway, let’s look at the transcript of Palin’s very brief, very embarrassing bit of give and take with the poor reporters who have to follow this idiot around New York and finally got to holler four questions today. Read more on Sarah Palin Idiotically Answers Four Questions…