MORE HOOKERS, FOR REPUBLICANS THIS TIME? A White House aide has resigned following “financial improprieties” using USAID grant money. [AP]

Today Eliot Spitzer ends the nation’s agony by quitting the New York governorship, which we all knew he was going to do. Stay with us as we write through all 30 seconds of his sad quitter speech! MORE »

At least one FOX News anchor is a little peeved that Gov. Spitzer had to stir up this ruckus when there’s an important primary happening in Mississippi tomorrow. And now he has gone and addressed the nation without anybody having the chance to record it. This is pretty much the kind of behavior you’d expect from a whoring whoremonger. [FOX News]

Yes Governor Spitzer (D-NY) is widely expected to resign from his hallowed office because he sexed ladies for money! America will always remember him fondly for being one of the first brave Democrats to reclaim hypocritical sex scandals from the Republicans. [FOX News]

Bush’s top economic adviser, Allan Hubbard, announced today he’ll step down at the end of the year to… wait for it… spend more time with his family! Hubbard will be replaced by his deputy, Keith Hennessey. “Al Hubbard has led the economic policymaking process in my administration for some of the most challenging economic issues confronting our nation,” Bush said in a statement. Big thanks, boss! Hubbard follow a string of recent resignations including Fran Townsend, Karl Rove, Dan Bartlett, Rob Portman and Karen Hughes. Bush economic adviser Hubbard resigns [Reuters]

In our latest video, see, hear and feel Trent Lott’s frustration with gridlock on The Hill. Apparently, he’s been mightily frustrated walking the halls of Congress because he and his hair can’t pass any legislation. And you know what? He’s not going to take it anymore! He simply does not want to work in a “debating society.” Good fucking thing he spent 35 years figuring that one out. MORE »

It’s official! Sen. Trent Lott is resigning! After 35 years of terrorizing The Hill with all sorts of fucked up, marble-mouthed Southern deep-fried bullshit, Lott trots back home to Ole Mississippi.

Any minute now — presumably after guilt-feasting on a bucket of fried chicken chased with an entire seedless watermelon — asswipe duck hunter Sen. Trent Lott will hold a press conference to alert the world of his impending exit. To celebrate, Page Six loverboy and Gawker resident evil genius Richard Blakeley has assembled a video montage of The Good Senator. Enjoy!

The mayor of Centerton, Arkansas, resigned Wednesday. Not for playing illegal happy penis games or anything, though! It’s more of the standard “I was adbucted by Satan 30 years ago, adopted a false name, forgot my previous life in Indiana until recently undergoing truth serum injections” excuse, which we’ve all used at least once to get out of a dead-end job. [4029 TV]

As noted earlier, Bush’s Homeland Security Adviser, Frances Townsend, stepped down today to spend more time with… well, anyone else. Although more formal documents may have been swapped, Townsend handwrote the President a personal letter (PDF) of peacing out. Her handwriting manages to disgrace the Constitution, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, the concepts of liberty/democracy/universal justice, global peace efforts and the American elementary educational system it’s just that bad. Within these cryptic figures, however, she sneaks a special compliment for Bush — of the <3 variety. MORE »

“Three days after Americans saw the Bush administration’s counterterrorism chief say the Iraq war has likely not made the United States safer from terrorism, the official announced his resignation, citing health reasons.” [ABC Blotter]