Sad disgraced Senator John Ensign, who admitted yesterday to a boring affair with a consenting adult female while he was separated from his wife, obviously cannot lead the Senate Republican Policy Committee anymore because of … fucking? WHATEVER. He cannot function as a credible conservative voice if he has already confessed publicly to putting his ween in a lady, that is the point. So now he’s no longer the #4 Republican in the Senate … which, oddly enough, positions him perfectly for a 2012 presidential run as “the Comeback Kid.” Just you wait! [Bloomberg]

ANNNNND HE’S OUT: Michael Martin just became the first Speaker of the House of Commons since uh SIXTEEN HUNDRED AND NINETY-FIVE to be forced out of office. Now Parliamentarians will have to go back to paying for their own goddamned moat-cleaning or else Barack Obama will nominate them all for Commerce Secretary. [GlobalPost]

• HOWARD DEAN FINISHED: It seems a highly successful four-year term as DNC chairman will be the “Dean scream” moment of Howard Dean’s life, as he will not seek a second term and will be out early next year. He will then return to Vermont where he is an abortionist. [Washington Post]

Here is a helpful tip for all you local lawmakers who want to look at porn in your office: DON’T PRINT IT OUT AND THEN LEAVE YOUR PORNOGRAPHY LYING AROUND. Oh, and if it is horrible child pornography? First, quit looking at that shit, and second, DO NOT LEAVE IT LYING AROUND. Sadly, New Jersey Assemblyman Neil Cohen seems not to have mastered this valuable concept. MORE »

In Canada, they have a form of government that involves things called “legislative assemblies” or something, and a member of the Saskatchewan Legislative Assembly resigned as a secretary to the Premier after he called a fellow lawmaker a “dumb bitch.” Basically, a remark that Nancy Pelosi hears a dozen times a day before breakfast made these poor polite Canadians go into palpitations and resign all over the place. MORE »

In a conference call today with his PR firm’s managing directors, Hillary Clinton’s disgraced Colombian-loving rapacious Janus-faced lardbot Svengali and most despised chief strategist Mark Penn revealed that he isn’t really going anywhere. He will still be “very much involved” with the Clinton campaign but he won’t be called a chief strategist anymore. MORE »

Alphonso Jackson, the soon-to-depart Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, built a long and distinguished career on failure. He presided over a massive meltdown in the mortgage and lending markets by doing precisely nothing, even though the HUD oversees the Federal Housing Administration, which is supposed to ensure that poor people and first-time home buyers don’t end up impoverished and homeless when their loans go south. ANYHOW The Dumbocrats have been calling for his resignation, and now he is resigning. Not because he is terrible at his job, though! Because he needs to spend more time with his family, which does not yet hate him. That will change. MORE »

MORE HOOKERS, FOR REPUBLICANS THIS TIME? A White House aide has resigned following “financial improprieties” using USAID grant money. [AP]

Today Eliot Spitzer ends the nation’s agony by quitting the New York governorship, which we all knew he was going to do. Stay with us as we write through all 30 seconds of his sad quitter speech! MORE »

At least one FOX News anchor is a little peeved that Gov. Spitzer had to stir up this ruckus when there’s an important primary happening in Mississippi tomorrow. And now he has gone and addressed the nation without anybody having the chance to record it. This is pretty much the kind of behavior you’d expect from a whoring whoremonger. [FOX News]

Yes Governor Spitzer (D-NY) is widely expected to resign from his hallowed office because he sexed ladies for money! America will always remember him fondly for being one of the first brave Democrats to reclaim hypocritical sex scandals from the Republicans. [FOX News]