Tag Archives: Resignations

  victory!

Girl Secret Service Director’s Resignation Is Obama’s Latest Attack On Women, According To Idiots

So long, farewell
Secret Service director Julia Pierson has resigned over the recent rash of security breaches around the president and the White House. This leaves us with just one important question: How long will it take the wingnuts to blame Pierson’s resignation on Obama leading the real War on Women? Let’s see. Here is a tweet from NBC News that alerted us to the story, time-stamped 12:24. Read more on Girl Secret Service Director’s Resignation Is Obama’s Latest Attack On Women, According To Idiots…
  welfare kings

Arizona Republican Resigns Just For Trying To Save America With Rice And Beans And No Babies For Poors

Russell Pearce is a man with a vision. He is also a man with an AM radio show. The recalled Arizona Senate leader, architect of the “papers please” immigration law — and, until his sudden resignation late Sunday night, state GOP vice chair — recently took to the airwaves to fantasize about what it would be like if he was in charge, free to save America from the scourge of the needy with the help of home TV inspections and forced sterilizations. Read more on Arizona Republican Resigns Just For Trying To Save America With Rice And Beans And No Babies For Poors…
  that's not racial transcendence

Pennsylvania School Administrators’ Texts Not All Racist — Some Were Sexist, Too

The Superintendent and the Director of Athletics and Activities for the Coatesville Area School District in Pennsylvania both “unexpectedly resigned” during the first week of school this year. Turns out that they had been trading racist texts on their school-provided phones for most of the summer. Not the sort of stupid Obama-as-a-witch-doctor kind of thing that county GOP officials resign over, either. Nope, these idiots (Richard Como, the superintendent, and Jim Donato, the athletic director) were swapping full-on, n-word-filled messages of pure, uncut, slap your hand to your forehead and wonder how these morons got to be in positions of responsibility in the 21st Century, racial anti-transcendence. We kind of thought that white people were only this bigoted in movies nowadays, but obviously we lead a sheltered life. Not as sheltered (or clueless) as Donato, though, since he didn’t even bother deleting the messages from his phone before asking a school IT employee to transfer all his data to a new phone, which is how they were discovered. Two cheers for technnologically incompetent racists, we suppose. Read more on Pennsylvania School Administrators’ Texts Not All Racist — Some Were Sexist, Too…
  Grifters gonna grift

Pretty Much Nation’s Only Black Lady Republican Official Resigns For Being The Griftiest

That is too bad that Florida’s Lieutenant Governor, Jennifer Carroll, had to resign for being sooooo shady. She is pretty! And sometime we get lesby-rumors and accusations (lesbysations) about her! Those are both good things! But, wah-wah, unfortunately Jennifer Carroll is also apparently the griftiest lady to ever grace the state of Florida. FLORIDA. The state where the governor, Rick Scott, is for some reason not in prison for Medicare fraud! That is a woman with skills. Let us read, together, about her manifold crimes against humanity, and decency, and taste! Read more on Pretty Much Nation’s Only Black Lady Republican Official Resigns For Being The Griftiest…
  bye

General Services Administration Head Resigns Over Taxpayer-Funded Vegas Bonanza

General Services Administration head Martha Johnson and two cohorts resigned or were butt-kicked out the door Monday over some really hilarious spending habits of Our Money! What is a General Services Administration? Ms. Johnson might not have even known! No, but, well, the GSA is the “landlord” of the government, explains the news, and so it is quite something to find that this agency didn’t sit around avoiding fixing broken toilets or ousting rats from beneath the floorboards of America, or suspiciously accept payment only in cash, but instead spent taxpayer dollars on 1,000 $7 sushi rolls, a clown, hundreds of meat medallions, commemorative coins, a mindreader and some other fun at a team-building “conference” held in Las Vegas in 2010. Squirrel in headlights Johnson resigned, along with her deputies Robert A. Peck and Stephen Leeds, and four more GSA managers have been suspended. Let us tally up all the fun that was had by government employees as they drank and played trust exercises and got creeped out by a clown at the M Resort Spa Casino while we were trawling Monster.com and eating coffee grounds for breakfast! Read more on General Services Administration Head Resigns Over Taxpayer-Funded Vegas Bonanza…
  this number has been disconnected

Olympia Snowe Waited By The Phone For Years For Obama’s Call

Very grumpy Maine senator and recent quitter Olympia Snowe is not gone yet, sadly. First she must say that the reason why she is quitting politics is because President Obama made her feel rejected and ignored. In an interview with ABC, she scolds the President for being aloof, which he, duh, is, and which everyone else has long gotten over, and say that in her centuries-long reign in legislative land, Obama is the president who spoke with her the least. ABC News claims that “If there were ever a Republican for President Obama to work with, it was Maine Senator Olympia Snowe,” but uh, it turns out that Obama tried a zillion times to get the woman to listen to him, and her response was to act like some kind of perfect moderate Queen of America! Read more on Olympia Snowe Waited By The Phone For Years For Obama’s Call…
  ho's and money

Sexy John Ensign Resigns!

Corrupt horndog John Ensign is quitting on May 3 as Nevada’s “other senator,” because the Ethics Investigation against him is about to pull out some really slimy dealings. Good-bye, John! You were a terrible senator and you continue to be a terrible man. But why May 3? There’s got to be either a financial reason for this, or it’s when one of his affair gals is freed up for one of those Sandals all-inclusive island vacations. So much sexytime! Try to stop him now, Harry Reid! Read more on Sexy John Ensign Resigns!…
  gladstoned

John Boehner Really Tried To Get Chris Lee and Others Not To Have Affairs

Wow, that Chris Lee sure resigned fast, eh? For perspective, Larry Craig was arrested for trying to have sex with a man in a public bathroom and finished out his term. Which was months, not hours. The thing is, Republicans just will not stand for their members of Congress having affairs that aren’t illegal in some way. Sure, if that woman posting on Craigslist was a horse, things would have gone much more smoothly for him. But he likes adult women. It’s a personal problem. “Lee, sources said, was one of several junior GOP lawmakers that Boehner allegedly warned to ‘knock it off’ with regard to his partying with female lobbyists last year.” Is John Boehner really trying to enforce the Republican Party’s moral values on its leaders? Or does he want all the female lobbyists for himself? Read more on John Boehner Really Tried To Get Chris Lee and Others Not To Have Affairs…
  debasements

Robert Gibbs Resigning, Becoming Part of Professional Left

We did it, you guys! We defeated Robert Gibbs with our restless coverage of his LEGO-based terrorism when there was nothing else to write about last week! Yes, Mr. Robert Lane Gibbs, famed White House press secretary, is leaving the White House forever, to go work in an actual building like an actual professional member of the left, instead of working in the back of some guy’s house as a favor, which is what he has been doing for the past couple years. But don’t worry! He will “defend Mr. Obama on television—and will expand his presence on Twitter and other Internet platforms.” PROFESSIONAL LEFT! PROFESSIONAL LEFT! PROFESSIONAL LEFT! Read more on Robert Gibbs Resigning, Becoming Part of Professional Left…
  pencive

Mike Pence Quickly Quits House Leadership To Run For President

THE WEEKLY STANDARAD has obtained a letter from Mike Pence, who is believed to be considering a presidential or gubernatorial run, informing his colleagues that he will not seek another term as chairman of the House Republican conference. “Now that we have restored a Republican majority to the House of Representatives and I have fulfilled my commitment to the Republican Conference, my family and I have begun to look to the future,” Pence writes. Read more on Mike Pence Quickly Quits House Leadership To Run For President…
  profiles in banal unnecessary cowardice

Tom Vilsack Fires Shirley Sherrod As the Summer of Firings Over Nothing Continues

Yesteday, we linked to a dumb attempt by human poop-leech Andrew Breitbart to paint the NAACP as racist hypocrites. Wow, that certainly was silly! Everyone can see how silly that was! Oh no? Not everyone? Right, our modern political discourse requires us to treat baseless incendiary attacks by scumbags as serious while treating the actual things that matter as unimportant. SORRY, WE FORGOT. You know who treats the drivel Andrew Breitbart says seriously? Not nobody. Just the NAACP and USDA Secretary Tom Vilsack and also the Obama administration, the most powerful thing in the country. OH, THEM. Read more on Tom Vilsack Fires Shirley Sherrod As the Summer of Firings Over Nothing Continues…
  kegger at the Capitol!

Frat Boy Congress Caused Souder-Sex to Happen, Say Bible Ladies

Upon learning that family-values hero Mark Souder had resigned from Congress after admitting his extramarital abstinence, the marriage-sanctifying gals at Concerned Women for America — the Western Hemisphere’s most important public policy women’s organization, after Curves — were in despair, about men. Ultimately they put down their tissues down, though, and brought forth a proclamation in which they blame Souder’s affair on the U.S. Congress, a.k.a. “the frat house on the Hill.” Read more on Frat Boy Congress Caused Souder-Sex to Happen, Say Bible Ladies…
  gross republican cheater version of 'sex tape'

VIDEO SHOCKER: Republican Rep. Mark Souder Made ‘Web Video’ (Against Sex) With His Mistress-Staffer

Tracy Jackson, you have made very poor choices in life. You are pretty and reasonably young. And yet you *allegedly* let this gross old Jesus Freak Republican Family Values Congressman climb all over you and hump on you. Also, Tracy Jackson, Fox News reports that you are *also* married. UPDATE: Oh you think you can take the video down, you vile slob? Well we have found another copy. Read more on VIDEO SHOCKER: Republican Rep. Mark Souder Made ‘Web Video’ (Against Sex) With His Mistress-Staffer…
  republicans in the news

BREAKING: House Republican Mark Souder Resigning TODAY, Over an Affair … With a WOMAN!

Indiana Republican and eight-term congressman Mark Souder is resigning immediately because he had sexytime with a woman who was not married-in-Christ to him. Souder just defeated a teabagger in the GOP primary, but with less than 50% of the vote, and eh we’ve never heard of this guy — Indiana’s third congressional district, we should pay more attention to this hotspot! — so let’s get to the crazy all-caps SORRY JEEBUS I PUT MY WANG IN ANOTHER LADY’S LADYPARTS. Also, he’s a wingnut who campaigned on the bullshit “I will repeal Obamacare,” so let the Devil take him! Read more on BREAKING: House Republican Mark Souder Resigning TODAY, Over an Affair … With a WOMAN!…
  today in ethics

Newly Minted Ex-Congressman Is Crooked Car Inspection Racket Overlord

Hey, it worked for Eric Massa, why didn’t it work for ex-Rep. Nathan Deal? We’re talking about resigning quickly so that the Ethics people don’t release hilarious findings about you! This is what has happened to Nathan “Ghetto Grandmothers” Deal, now. He resigned immediately after last week’s health care vote, a resignation he had already delayed in his heroic, selfless attempt to kill ObamaCare and socialism. He is running for Georgia governor and needed to scoot out of the ol’ House before the Ethics Nannies shat all over him, which they did anyway. Read more on Newly Minted Ex-Congressman Is Crooked Car Inspection Racket Overlord…
  democrats are weird

About That Time Rahm Emanuel Stabbed Eric Massa With His Penis In The Showers

Here is today’s hot naked story from quitting Rep. Eric Massa, who is clearly being forced out to get this health care bill through. He is a hippie who will not vote for it: “Rahm Emanuel is son of the devil’s spawn. He is an individual who would sell his mother to get a vote. He would strap his children to the front end of a steam locomotive… I am showering, naked as a jaybird, and here comes Rahm Emanuel, not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest, yelling at me.” [Real Clear Politics, The Hill] Read more on About That Time Rahm Emanuel Stabbed Eric Massa With His Penis In The Showers…
  either that or cancer

Congressman To Retire For Alleged Sexytime Reasons

The POLITICO better be right, and it almost always is: “Rep. Eric Massa (D-N.Y.) will not seek reelection — after only one term in office. According to several House aides on both sides of the aisle, the House ethics committee has been informed of allegations that Massa, who is married with two children, sexually harassed a male staffer.” He was one of the most liberal Congressman, so it was already basically public record that he loved wieners and poop. He wants single-payer health care, for Christ’s sake! The one where they sell white children to gay people and fling fetuses at Jeebus pictures! [Politico] Read more on Congressman To Retire For Alleged Sexytime Reasons…
  quitters

Sarah Palin’s Comically Inadequate Mouthpiece Quits!

NOOOOOO!!! Of all the aides that could have quit given the headline “Palin aide departs,” it had to be Meghan “Meg” Stapleton, the famous shapeless Alaskan laughsack! Meg Stapleton, coiner of the line, “The world is literally her oyster,” leaving. Leaving all of us. Leaving the world of Politics. (Lucky.) Read more on Sarah Palin’s Comically Inadequate Mouthpiece Quits!…
  your move south carolina

Idaho GOP Leader Person Doesn’t Win His Ex-Girlfriend Back, Even After Throwing All Those Used Condoms On Her Lawn

Blake Hall, National Committeeman of the Idaho Republican Party, is now down one (1) National Committeemanship of the Idaho Republican Party and nineteen (19) used condoms. See, ten different times—like, on ten different days—Hall flung his lurid semen-filled condoms on his ex-girlfriend’s lawn, whom he stalked and stalked and stalked for like half a year. Quoth the poor lady whose lawn was unwillingly re-purposed for the flourishing cum crop: “I was so tired of being victimized. It is unimaginable that a 56-year-old would be so deviant.” Read more on Idaho GOP Leader Person Doesn’t Win His Ex-Girlfriend Back, Even After Throwing All Those Used Condoms On Her Lawn…
  and starring jenny sanford as job

South Carolina Board Of Education Chairwoman Will Now Write Her Erotic Internet Fiction In Peace

South Carolina is just full of filthy sex people performing terrible acts of sex upon one another. Take Kristin Maguire, who became “of interest” last week after it was discovered that in between chairing the state board of education and homeschooling her own four children (?), she was in the habit of publishing her loosely fictionalized erotic goings-on on certain sexy parts of the Internet. Ha, oh and then there was that time she flashed Mark Sanford’s chief of staff whilst atop the hilariously gratuitous location of Jenny Sanford’s desk. (N.B.: Hi, yes, South Carolina: it is possible to hook-up without doing so at the expense of Jenny Sanford.) Read more on South Carolina Board Of Education Chairwoman Will Now Write Her Erotic Internet Fiction In Peace…
  henry kissinger is rolling in his grave

Gwen Ifill Ruins Innocent Citizen’s Dreams Of Game Show Riches

PBS newsperson Gwen Ifill: all-around class act, or milquetoast cipher who “looks like a dentist”? Opinion is hotly divided here at your Wonkette. One thing we can all agree on: do not make her your go-to source on Richard Nixon resignation trivia. Read more on Gwen Ifill Ruins Innocent Citizen’s Dreams Of Game Show Riches…