Wonkette

Here is your hourly dose of Sarah Palin gossip: rumor has it that the leakers now feverishly promoting the most awful tales of her proud ignorance and white trash spending habits are all former Mitt Romney staffers. A whole truckload of these Romney people were hired by the McCain campaign after their guy bowed out of the primaries, and they spent the rest of the race watching sadly as the yokel and the angry old Panamanian failed to say a single intelligent thing about the economy. MORE »

Nobody quite knew what to make of Karl Rove’s very aggressive election night projections, but it seemed safe to conclude that he was trying to mess with Barack Obama in a very sinister and subtle way. People feared that Rove’s projection of 338 electoral votes set the bar too high, so that if Obama won narrowly he would look “illegitimate.” And if Obama lost, he would really look like a loser. MORE »

Just a few short months ago, your Wonkette loved the snow dwarf Sarah Palin and all the adorable scrapes she got into — for example, being sexily “rear-ended” by a complete stranger outside Anchorage. But then one fateful day in late August, cruel John McCain had to nominate Sarah Palin for vice president, and overnight the charming and harmless governor of a charming and harmless state transformed into a snarling, sneering peddler of ignorant racist garbage, and we were sad. MORE »

Amid all the excitement of last night’s HISTORIC ELECTION a few important questions went unanswered, at least here on the Wonkette. For example: did fluorescent light foe and unrepentant baby-farmer Michelle Bachmann successfully defend her Minnesota district from insurgent chaotic-good lawn sprite Elwyn Tinklenberg? And whatever happened to that poop factory over in San Francisco? This morning, we have answers. MORE »

We’ll keep this map live up top, all night long, until it’s settled. [AOL News]

We are squeezing in as many Sarah Palin stories as we can today, in the hopes that we will never have to type out her name again, whee! She voted this morning, in Wasilla, but refused to tell reporters who she’d voted for. Is she in the tank??? MORE »

The jury deliberating over Ted Stevens’ corruption trial consisted exclusively of angry cat ladies and addled kooks, one of whom was so disruptive she almost caused a mistrial. But then there was this OTHER juror, Juror No. 4, who ALSO messed things up by disappearing, mysteriously, to “go to her father’s funeral in California” over the weekend and never turned up again. (She was replaced at the last minute and bam, the alternate and the old jurors quickly reached a verdict.) But HMMMM has anyone ever been to a funeral on a racetrack where they race horses, for sport and money? MORE »

Poor Ben Porritt. The other night this tragic McCain spokesflak was on David Shuster’s show, trying to explain Sarah Palin’s latest stupidity about how the First Amendment should protect her from being criticized by the press, and it was very clear that this sad young douche needs a vacation. But with only a few days and eleventy states left for John McCain to campaign in, Ben Porritt has no time for sleep, or for saying things that make sense. Instead he had this bit of weirdness to say about Joe Biden this weekend: MORE »

Virgil Goode is the patriotic Republican congressman who threatened to deport Representative Keith Ellison, an American citizen from Minneapolis who was sworn in on Thomas Jefferson’s Koran. Once upon a time Rep. Goode had a press secretary named Linwood Duncan. This Duncan fellow was Goode’s press secretary for many years! And then, suddenly, he had “health problems” and had to retire after it turned out he had a line or two in a terrible gay coming-of-age movie shot in Danville. But that’s not even the worst of it! Duncan may have been complicit in the UNSPEAKABLE VIOLATION OF A FAX LINE. MORE »

The RNC bought John McCain a $150,000 traveling machine that will warp the time-space continuum and create wee worm holes for the action hero to use in his quest to visit all 50 states simultaneously on Monday. His schedule includes stops in Florida, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Indiana, New Mexico, Nevada, and Arizona. That will conclude the “feats of intergalactic stamina” portion of the presidential contest, and then it’s on to the “how many jars of Mother’s Mango Pickle can you consume before you vomit?” segment, in which Barack Obama is heavily favored. [First Read]

Lawrence Eagleburger served as Secretary of State under George H.W. Bush and is a serious, well-regarded Republican statesman — so it should come as no surprise that he is secretly in the tank for Barack Obama. Eagleburger endorsed John McCain for president, as McCain fondly recalled in a meandering interview with Walter Cronkite this past weekend, and yet! This Eagle Burger obviously harbors very sexist feelings toward Sarah Palin, because he had not-very-supportive things to say about her on the socialist ham radio propaganda network, “National Public Radio.” MORE »

Ashley Todd, the 20-year-old McCain volunteer who bravely attempted to incite a New American Race War with her fake story about getting mutilated by an angry black man and instead spawned a cheap Halloween costume trend, will not be sent to torture-prison for five and a half years. After a mere week in jail, she reached a plea agreement with the Authorities: no hard time, only mental health treatment. She will also have to check in with those Authorities every now and again to let them know of her whereabouts, like a common criminal, so there’s that. By next week she will have a country music recording contract and her own show on Fox, after “Huckabee.” [MSNBC]

Ha ha John McCain’s new boyfriend is a terrible media whore! Joe the Plumber has successfully converted his 15 milliseconds of fame into a COUNTRY MUSIC RECORDING CONTRACT and a live televised shotgun wedding on November 4th to Sarah Palin’s sixth baby, “Trotsky,” on top of a melting ice floe. MORE »