An historic thing happened this weekend, a first-time ever event that served as an example to millions of Americans who have ever felt down or out! We refer, of course, not to the Saints winning the Super Bowl, but Sarah Palin actually showing up for an event that she headlined. (Historically minded Palin watchers will recall that she has basically never done this before, preferring instead to bag at the last minute and send out poor Meg Stapleton to issue a statement saying “We have never even heard of this event that she just bagged on.”) MORE »

Dennis Hastert, you remember this comically repellent monster? Once he was a Speaker of the House, and then he resigned to go work in George W. Bush’s secret cryogenics laboratory where he toils to this day trying to make the Earth’s largest dildo out of recycled human organs. Anyway, Hastert has a son who wanted to run for Congress, but now he can’t, because he lost in the GOP primary yesterday. MORE »

Okay okay okay let’s try to get this all organized… nope, not gonna happen, so here’s the deal: We have no idea where to begin with this Obama/House Republicans group sex therapy rehab session that just took place, on teevee. It was very very strange. So here’s… something? It’s one of the parts where Obama tells Republicans to cut the shit, please. It’s nice that he tries. Maybe. This is some wacky wacky politics, and everyone will be confused about the “winner.” Let’s just declare Ron Paul the winner again and go eat some nachos. [YouTube]

Salt Lake County Republicans have cravenly thrown ACORN pimp James O’Keefe under the bus following his arrest on federal charges of hanky-panky. These folks were going to have him deliver the keynote address at their annual Lincoln Day fundraiser, but now they have let a dumb little felony accusation get in the way! Maybe their replacement speaker can be Ted Stevens or Gordon Liddy or some other Republican who has gone that extra mile and become an officially convicted felon. MORE »

Republican nudist Scott Brown’s modeling portfolio has been exhumed and is on display at the Boston Herald Internet Web site, where you can see him striking various “blue steel”-type poses in hideous Cosby sweaters. Scott Brown = (-1)(Ted Kennedy) x (1000000)(Sarah Palin) ÷ (John Edwards + awesome)(Olivia Newton John - breasts). [Boston Herald]

André Bauer, the allegedly heterosexual lieutenant governor of South Carolina, said a fairly controversial thing about the Poors the other day! Here is the thing about these “people”: if you feed them, they reproduce! This isn’t just biology — it’s a page straight out of the Communist Manifesto, which is what poor people like to read, while they’re fucking each other on piles of government cheese. MORE »

This cat with the truck and the centerfold is, like our president, a formerly obscure state senator who then got elected to the US Senate. He is “young” and “exciting” and, unlike virtually every other Republican in the Senate, not a wart-covered old troll with a homosexual boyfriend problem. Ergo, Scott Brown will be president. One question, though: will we have to wait till 2012 to elect him? MORE »

Children, wenches: thou canst breathe. Chief wordsmith of the Wall Street Journal banking pamphlet, the regal majestic and most comely Madame Queen Peggington Noonington, hath Christened and Blessed thine conservative dauphin, Scottington the Nude. This Nude Man. For only He, this sterling griffin of Man, possesseth the Royal Strength to constructeth thine Third Reich of Massachusetts Bay Colony Republicans. MORE »

The Republicans’ new strategy for winning back the House in 2010 is comprised solely of their strategy for winning back the House in 1994. Oh yes, it is Time for another Contract with America, except maybe this time, John Boehner hints, it will might be called an “Agenda with America,” because maybe this sound Internet-ier? Boehner, you tease! MORE »

Sarah Palin made her highly anticipated debut as a news commentator on the teevee last night, DID YOU WATCH IT? No? Did you check the Fox News this morning and not watch the clip there, because it wanted you to install Flash Player 10, which breaks other parts of your Internets when you install it? Well then watch this clip here! And then watch the exciting Extended Director’s Cut after the jump. MORE »

Oh man this is what we get for not watching the sexy news show for old people, 60 Minutes. They had a JUICY SEGMENT last night about the hilariously awful McCain presidential campaign of 2008, with lots of scoopy revelations from top McCain adviser Steve Schmidt and also Washington’s reigning divas of snark, John Heilemann and Mark Halperin. After the jump: Steve Schmidt misuses “nonplussed,” Sarah Palin is a nutball, etc. MORE »

John McCain, remember this guy? He was the frightening old monster who spent last fall occasionally peeping out from behind Sarah Palin’s skirts as she spent $150,000 on Nieman Marcus red patent leather hot pants for her six-year-old and warned America about terrorist pals. John McCain wanted to be president because he crashed his plane a bunch of times back in the sixties, but he did not get elected, so now he has to settle for staying a senator from Arizona forever. MORE »

Rudy Giuliani, America’s South American Mayor and the man most likely to decide not to run for office after very publicly mulling a run for office, has done it again! In fact, he has done a twopeat! Not only will he not run for governor of New York against the fake Mario Cuomo, he will also not run for senator against the fake Hillary Clinton. MORE »

What is with this liberal Hollywood Kennedy-in-law, governor Arnold Schwarzenegger? Can he not even pretend to be interested in agreeing with his fellow Republicans on the simplest of conservative precepts, such as the Known Fact that the president is a demon hell-turd sent from the Future in order to socialize our mammograms? MORE »