Tag Archives: republicans in the news

  endless cummer '12

Alleged Sex Creep in Peter Pan Hat Is Prominent Oregon GOP Politican, Of Course

The spring season of political sex scandals, like the presidential campaigns, like the bland and uninspired bickering of Congress, like the campaign ads’ lack of demon sheep, masturbating witches and Basil Marceaux, are so boring that we are sharing this tale of a dim Oregon GOP lawmaker who had consensual, heterosexual sex with his staffer: “A former aide to Deputy House Republican Leader Matt Wingard (R-Wilsonville) has accused him of giving her alcohol when she was underage, pressuring her to have sex, and keeping her on the public payroll after she ended the relationship with him and stopped reporting for work.” In reality this still sounds pretty bad, but your Wonkette was not sold until we came across the above picture of Wingard wearing a silly hat to work. This is how actual editorial processes work in professional newsrooms. (News editor: “Eh, kill the story unless there are good pictures.” Chief photo editor/intern slave: “We have one of the guy fellating a corn dog.” News editor: “Great, I’ll put a reporter on it.”) This makes it a good enough process for your Wonkette. Anyhow, Wingard has now resigned his leadership post in shame. Hooray! Read more on Alleged Sex Creep in Peter Pan Hat Is Prominent Oregon GOP Politican, Of Course…
  fuck tha police

Law-And-Order Republicans In Indiana Now Let You Stand Your Ground Against Cops

So here is what we are having a hard time wrapping our puny girly brains around: we remember, due to oldness, when the NRA lobbied to keep Kevlar-piercing bullets legal (for those Kevlar-vested deer), but when did Ted Nugent and pals come to so wholly outrank sensible Establishment Republicans as to get cop-killing legalized? Was it when cops became just another Wisconsin Thug union, along with 9/11 Heroes (firemen) and teachers (teachers)? We will say sure, yes, Wisconsin. And now Mitch Daniels, Indiana governor, has signed a law allowing people to shoot cops who bust into their homes we are not even kidding that is not even a hoax. It is unpossible that anything could go wrong. Read more on Law-And-Order Republicans In Indiana Now Let You Stand Your Ground Against Cops…
  catering the race war

Local Virginia Republicans Offer ‘Armed Revolution,’ Jell-O Salad

Hey Greene County, Virginia, GOP! We bet you are down-home fellas what love your wives and neighbors and hardly ever beat your dogs. Do you perhaps have some words of wisdom for the rest of us? Maybe here in this March newsletter article “Rallying Against the Living Wage,” or this one, “Is Barack Hussein Obama America’s Most Biblically-Hostile U. S. President?” (Yes, duh.) How about this very important article on “Political Action Against Islamic Infiltration,” which spreads the Good Word about an upcoming presentation on Sharia law that explains the “pro-Islamic discrimination in our K-12 schools, where children are being indoctrinated in the superiority of Islam over all religions and special Sharia dispensations are demanded for Muslims.” Sure, those are good things to know, but we were thinking more along the lines of something really FER REAL AMERICAN. Oh, and via Right Wing Watch, here is a letter from the editor of your Greene County, Virginia, GOP newsletter! “The ultimate task for the people is to remain vigilant and aware ~ that the government, their government is out of control, and this moment, this opportunity, must not be forsaken, must not escape us, for we shall not have any coarse [sic] but armed revolution should we fail with the power of the vote in November ~ This Republic cannot survive for 4 more years underneath this political socialist ideologue.” Armed revolution? That sounds manly! Do tell us and the FBI more! Read more on Local Virginia Republicans Offer ‘Armed Revolution,’ Jell-O Salad…
  mullah mitt

Traitor Mitt Romney Helping Iran Destroy Israel, Says Ex-Mossad Chief

One thing the Republican presidential candidates love to do is talk about how they will bomb each and every Islamic Person, because the Islamic Persons might be plotting something against Israel, which is the only patriotic country outside of America’s borders, because of the greatest American Action Hero, a mythological Jewish mystic who lived (?) in the region two-thousand years ago. But Mitt Romney is so bad at pretending to be a right-wing zealot that he even screwed up the Threatening Iran section of his campaign lies PowerPoint Presentation. Now the actual former chief spy of the Mossad — the super-spy bosses of Israel — says Mitt Romney is screwing it up for Israel, by telling the Persian Demons exactly what a President Mitt Romney would do, if he somehow became president. Read more on Traitor Mitt Romney Helping Iran Destroy Israel, Says Ex-Mossad Chief…
  double agents

Secret Liberal Rush Limbaugh Cleverly Kills Republican Party

Hilarious radio satirist Rush Limbaugh pulled his biggest prank on far-right AM radio listeners and the entire Republican Party last week, when he took the GOP fringe-right religious-fanatic attack on birth control and turned it into a full Republican attack on all women. Now, as advertisers abandon the radio program and the GOP presidential candidates are jabbering tongue-tied nonsense when asked for the official Republican position on all women being sluts and prostitutes for using basic birth control, the comedic genius Rush Limbaugh is having his biggest laugh yet. We can only imagine the high-fives that Rush and Obama are giving each other today, on the golf course. Read more on Secret Liberal Rush Limbaugh Cleverly Kills Republican Party…
  i've got a golden ticket

Ron Paul To Put America Back On the Chocolate Bar Standard

Ron Paul not-actual delegate (class of ’08) Garrett Quinn sends us this delightful Ron Paul promotional item, from the eccentric old man’s candy factory, which has been shrouded in secrecy ever since Ron Paul fired all his black workers, for stealing, and replaced them with hobbits. Read more on Ron Paul To Put America Back On the Chocolate Bar Standard…
  whatever common people do

Mitt Romney Mocks Poor NASCAR Fans In Plastic Rain Ponchos

Now that Mitt Romney has barely managed to win his abandoned “home state” of Michigan, we can get back to marveling at his weird millionaire android interactions with the common folk who make up the Republican base. For example, Mitt also enjoys NASCAR race car crashes, because he visited that NASCAR track and made his hilarious comment about having “some great friends who are NASCAR team owners.” But then he turned into mean Mitt Romney, the vulture capitalist who openly mocks the working class. Approaching a group of poor people covered in cheap plastic rain ponchos to shield them from the deluge, Mitt laughed and said, “I like those fancy raincoats you bought. Really sprung for the big bucks.” Read more on Mitt Romney Mocks Poor NASCAR Fans In Plastic Rain Ponchos…
  Virginia Is for Losers

Virginia Senate Passes Marginally Less Rapey Ultrasound Bill

Oh, how cute, the Virginia Senate has voted 21-19 in favor of a bill to ensure Dave Albo’s wife never sexes him again. Since determining that the howling shrieking whorish harpies bitching about their Jesus-mandated transvaginal ultrasounds might actually persuade all womyn to never vote Republican again, the GOP listened, and amended their bill to make sure the sluts only had to look at their Precious Bundles on the belly type of ultrasound instead of the in-puss kind. Read more on Virginia Senate Passes Marginally Less Rapey Ultrasound Bill…
  new study proves it

Science Proves Rich People Are Generally Evil

Extremely wealthy people discard their own spouses and children as easily as they discard thousands of factory workers. They feel absolutely no guilt as they scheme and connive, and they will rip off other rich people in massive Ponzi schemes with as little feeling as they’ll rape their housekeepers. The rich strap their supposedly beloved family pets to the top of their expensive cars for days at a time, and find the animal’s resulting terror and diarrhea funny. The rich are different, that’s for sure — they lack morals. This is the not-so-surprising result of a study by scientific academic people at a university somewhere. Read more on Science Proves Rich People Are Generally Evil…
  academy awards in hell

Rick Santorum Gives Mitt Romney the Oscar For Reading Teleprompter

It’s America’s big night for urban elitists who have seen whatever otherwise unknown movies are nominated for Academy Awards tonight — consider it the Super Bowl for people who only drink box wine ironically, or the big NASCAR race/crash for people who still have most of their own teeth. Oscar (TM) Night is here! If, like us, you don’t really care but still “have people coming over” to “get high” and “eat some bogus recipe made of things we heard about in the New York Times Sunday Styles section, then by all means let’s change the subject to real (terrible) acting. We are talking about Mitt Romney, of course, and Rick Santorum’s blistering new charge that Mittens is reading off a teleprompter when he woodenly reads his prepared remarks that were written months ago by some high-priced communications expert who should really be fired. You know who else reads off a teleprompter? Read more on Rick Santorum Gives Mitt Romney the Oscar For Reading Teleprompter…
  party of near-death old white men

GOP Suddenly Concerned About Being Insane Racist Misogynist Fanatics

After last night’s delightful Republican debate focusing on the three important issues facing all Americans — making birth control illegal, cutting taxes for the richest 1%, and savagely persecuting the impoverished Mexican laborers who have mostly stopped seeking work in the U.S. since the economy collapsed — a few “moderate” GOP leaders are suggesting maybe 2012 is going to be a comical repeat of Election Day 2008, when Republicans were stomped out of the White House, Congress and many state offices. “It’s important that voters see a Republican Party that is inclusive and is not exclusive,” Eric Cantor says. Uhh, was Eric Cantor replaced by a human? Read more on GOP Suddenly Concerned About Being Insane Racist Misogynist Fanatics…
  fap fap fap

Liveblogging The Last Arizona Apocalypse & The End Of All Things

Is it really already the last debate? Have there even been any before tonight? Wait, the intern telling us something… !!!… okay, so there have been about 20 debates! Thanks, intern. (You’re fired.) Well, this process has certainly made us a better nation. So let’s watch tonight’s CNN debate live from the gay Mexican firecracker hellscape of Arizona and type some nonsense about it. Read more on Liveblogging The Last Arizona Apocalypse & The End Of All Things…
  lives of the gays

Mexico-Bashing Gay Arizona Sheriff Shares Tips On Forbidden Love

Recently outed gay Arizona sheriff Paul Babeu has some hot relationship tips about his longtime gay partner “Jose,” who was also a trusted political consultant for Babeu and even designed all of Babeu’s congressional campaign websites: Jose somehow secretly “wanted to harm me,” Babeu told CNN on Monday. If true, this follows the typical Republican foreign policy of bullying people from other countries and then threatening to bomb them for being upset about being bullied. Read more on Mexico-Bashing Gay Arizona Sheriff Shares Tips On Forbidden Love…
  triple play

Right-Wing Anti-Mexican Arizona Sheriff Has Gay Mexican Lover

Here is the hot American president’s day news for those of you who didn’t spend the weekend searching for “gay wingnut arizona sheriff tries to deport gay mexican lover” on Ask Jeeves: Beloved right-wing anti-Mexican Arizona sheriff Paul Babeu has been caught trying to deport his homosexual Mexican lover, because Paul Babeu is a homosexual with an unquenchable thirst for the semen of illegal Mexican men. It is very common for anti-Mexican Republicans to have undocumented Mexican servants and gardeners and nannies, of course, and it is exceedingly common — almost required by the RNC — for Republican politician men to be self-hating homosexuals, and it is utterly expected that any Republican in Arizona is going to be a comic book villain/idiot. But to get all three in one person (a sheriff, even!) running for Congress is just a bit overboard. Read more on Right-Wing Anti-Mexican Arizona Sheriff Has Gay Mexican Lover…
  a splash of santorum

Santorum Makes Ad Showing Frothy Fecal Matter Ejaculated At Him

So what did Rick Santorum’s campaign come up with, for the new ad complaining about Mitt Romney? Oh, just a life-sized cardboard cutout of a dumbly smiling Santorum repeatedly splashed with a brown, frothy liquid. No, really. Read more on Santorum Makes Ad Showing Frothy Fecal Matter Ejaculated At Him…
  fat diabetic snake eating its own tail

Wingnuts Furious About … Fox News Going Liberal

What are America’s old white racist exurban cretins on Medicare and Social Security upset about today? Oh, the usual: Obama, liberals, gays, sex, black people, youth, hippies, the poor, the rich, Mexicans, “the hip hop,” Iran, exercise, unemployment, unemployment benefits, vegetables, a talented black woman with addiction problems such as Whitney Houston, organic farms, birth control, people having sexual intercourse in general, solar energy, Mormons, national parks, public transportation, Europe, NPR, Media Matters, the New York Times, CNN, MSNBC and Fox News. WAIT WHAT IN THE ??? Yes, Fox News. The wingnuts have spastically lurched from one invented outrage to the next with such shallow furor that they finally wound up enraged about the very teevee channel that tells them what to freak out about. Read more on Wingnuts Furious About … Fox News Going Liberal…
  inquisition slash fiction

K-Lo’s Wingnut Blog, ‘National Review Online,’ Tells Newt Gingrich To Quit

Wingnut Catholic slash-fiction blog National Review Online insisted, at 4 a.m. today (!), that fake Catholic convert Newt Gingrich quit losing the GOP primary and instead let authentic Catholic wingnut Rick Santorum continue losing against Mormon liberal Mitt Romney. This is apparently news, even though Kathryn Jean Lopez has always loved Rick Santorum nearly as much as she loves Joseph Ratzinger in his lovely Prada slippers and bejeweled hat and silken dress. Will Newt respect the decision of K-Lo and immediately drop out of the race, to allow Rick Santorum a longer public moment to discuss sperm and gynecology and the right holes to ejaculate into, etc.? There is, after all, a sense that America needs this, for the next 10 or 11 months straight. Read more on K-Lo’s Wingnut Blog, ‘National Review Online,’ Tells Newt Gingrich To Quit…
  mormon porn

Prissy Mitt Romney Loves Hawt Sexy Porno Money

Mitt Romney has so many children, he must like sexytime at least a little bit, right? No. Mitt Romney is so prim and sexless, his wife actually had to “be the man” when they made the pregnancies. (Weird religious stuff, never mind.) But Mitt Romney does love money! It is the only thing he has ever loved, in fact. This is why he will take piles of dirty porn money from the publisher of sexy 1970s magazine Penthouse. Which still exists? Read more on Prissy Mitt Romney Loves Hawt Sexy Porno Money…
  m4m

CPAC Once Again Full of Self-Hating Gay Men Hunting For Gay Sex

Like every year at CPAC time, the “no strings attached” sex Internet is busy busy busy with self-hating closeted homosexual Republican men who like to take a break from cheering on homophobic bible clods by going back to the hotel with a discreet dude who wants to give/receive some oral, “maybe more with the right guy,” etc. Republican homosexuals are so predictable! Read more on CPAC Once Again Full of Self-Hating Gay Men Hunting For Gay Sex…
  walmerica's greatest heroes

Joe the ‘Plumber’ & Kirk Cameron Plot Moral Crimes At CPAC

What are these two future co-presidents of Walmerica talking about, high above the commoners at CPAC? Nothing that makes any sense, that is for sure! Also is there some sort of Behind the Music style sob story to explain why 1980s teen teevee heartthrob Kirk Cameron is now reduced to hanging out with a spoiled pot roast like Samuel Wurzelbacher? Read more on Joe the ‘Plumber’ & Kirk Cameron Plot Moral Crimes At CPAC…
  history is for crazy people

Rick Santorum Describes First Amendment As … French Guillotine?

What is loopy church lady Rick Santorum whining about now? As he goes crazier, in public, Santorum has stopped bothering with traditional approaches to speaking and now just tosses out “They” a couple of times, mentions religion and then throws in France, for weird measure — and he pronounces “France” as guillotine. It’s marvelous. But he is attacking the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution here, is he not? Will Rick Santorum finally demand the repeal of the Bill of Rights? Read more on Rick Santorum Describes First Amendment As … French Guillotine?…