Tag: republicans in the news

Alleged Sex Creep in Peter Pan Hat Is Prominent Oregon GOP Politican, Of Course

The spring season of political sex scandals, like the presidential campaigns, like the bland and uninspired bickering of Congress, like the campaign ads' lack of demon sheep, masturbating witches and Basil Marceaux, are so boring that we are sharing...

Law-And-Order Republicans In Indiana Now Let You Stand Your Ground Against Cops

So here is what we are having a hard time wrapping our puny girly brains around: we remember, due to oldness, when the NRA lobbied to keep Kevlar-piercing bullets legal (for those Kevlar-vested deer), but when did Ted Nugent...

Local Virginia Republicans Offer ‘Armed Revolution,’ Jell-O Salad

Hey Greene County, Virginia, GOP! We bet you are down-home fellas what love your wives and neighbors and hardly ever beat your dogs. Do you perhaps have some words of wisdom for the rest of us? Maybe here in...

Traitor Mitt Romney Helping Iran Destroy Israel, Says Ex-Mossad Chief

One thing the Republican presidential candidates love to do is talk about how they will bomb each and every Islamic Person, because the Islamic Persons might be plotting something against Israel, which is the only patriotic country outside of...

Secret Liberal Rush Limbaugh Cleverly Kills Republican Party

Hilarious radio satirist Rush Limbaugh pulled his biggest prank on far-right AM radio listeners and the entire Republican Party last week, when he took the GOP fringe-right religious-fanatic attack on birth control and turned it into a full Republican...

Ron Paul To Put America Back On the Chocolate Bar Standard

Ron Paul not-actual delegate (class of '08) Garrett Quinn sends us this delightful Ron Paul promotional item, from the eccentric old man's candy factory, which has been shrouded in secrecy ever since Ron Paul fired all his black...

Mitt Romney Mocks Poor NASCAR Fans In Plastic Rain Ponchos

Now that Mitt Romney has barely managed to win his abandoned "home state" of Michigan, we can get back to marveling at his weird millionaire android interactions with the common folk who make up the Republican base. For example,...

Virginia Senate Passes Marginally Less Rapey Ultrasound Bill

Oh, how cute, the Virginia Senate has voted 21-19 in favor of a bill to ensure Dave Albo's wife never sexes him again. Since determining that the howling shrieking whorish harpies bitching about their Jesus-mandated transvaginal ultrasounds might actually...

Science Proves Rich People Are Generally Evil

Extremely wealthy people discard their own spouses and children as easily as they discard thousands of factory workers. They feel absolutely no guilt as they scheme and connive, and they will rip off other rich people in massive Ponzi...

Rick Santorum Gives Mitt Romney the Oscar For Reading Teleprompter

It's America's big night for urban elitists who have seen whatever otherwise unknown movies are nominated for Academy Awards tonight -- consider it the Super Bowl for people who only drink box wine ironically, or the big NASCAR race/crash...

GOP Suddenly Concerned About Being Insane Racist Misogynist Fanatics

After last night's delightful Republican debate focusing on the three important issues facing all Americans -- making birth control illegal, cutting taxes for the richest 1%, and savagely persecuting the impoverished Mexican laborers who have mostly stopped seeking work...

Liveblogging The Last Arizona Apocalypse & The End Of All Things

Is it really already the last debate? Have there even been any before tonight? Wait, the intern telling us something... !!!... okay, so there have been about 20 debates! Thanks, intern. (You're fired.) Well, this process has certainly made...

Mexico-Bashing Gay Arizona Sheriff Shares Tips On Forbidden Love

Recently outed gay Arizona sheriff Paul Babeu has some hot relationship tips about his longtime gay partner "Jose," who was also a trusted political consultant for Babeu and even designed all of Babeu's congressional campaign websites: Jose somehow secretly...

Santorum Compares Obama To Hitler, Immediately Denies Comparing Obama To Hitler

The wonderful man we are dearly hoping becomes the GOP nominee for president has now joined the rest of the right-wing Internet in comparing President Barack Obama to Nazi Germany mastermind Adolf Hitler. CBS News reports: Republican presidential candidate Rick...

Right-Wing Anti-Mexican Arizona Sheriff Has Gay Mexican Lover

Here is the hot American president's day news for those of you who didn't spend the weekend searching for "gay wingnut arizona sheriff tries to deport gay mexican lover" on Ask Jeeves: Beloved right-wing anti-Mexican Arizona sheriff Paul Babeu...

Santorum Makes Ad Showing Frothy Fecal Matter Ejaculated At Him

So what did Rick Santorum's campaign come up with, for the new ad complaining about Mitt Romney? Oh, just a life-sized cardboard cutout of a dumbly smiling Santorum repeatedly splashed with a brown, frothy liquid. No, really. Rick Santorum...