republicans
Republicans Have New Plan To War On Your Ladyparts With Humor
Ever since Republicans got their asses kicked in the 2012 election, they’ve been curled up in the fetal position, soothing themselves with fantastic stories of how it’s not that the majority of Americans think their policies suck ass like an industrial strength Hoover; it’s just that they didn’t package their ass-sucking policies the right way. [...]
Michele Bachman Opposes Immigration Reform Because Messicans Are All Gay for Democrats
Shelly is back! Without leaving! After announcing her retirement, rivers of tears flooded the Wonket seekrit chatcave at the loss of such a proud Swiss-American leaving Congress to do who-knows-what (raise 84 more children? Destroy local school boards? Go back to being an IRS lawyer? Lose a Senate race to Al Franken?). But she is [...]
Rep Elijah Cummings Smacks Down Darrell Issa, Badass Style
Time for a new series here on Wonket! In what is the sister of Nice Time and the antithesis of Legislative Shitmuffin, we proudly introduce Legislative Badasses. These folks are fighting foolishness, generating goodness, and counteracting conservatives. Our inaugural Legislative Badass hails from the great state of Maryland and spends his days tirelessly fighting the [...]
Darrell Issa Calls Darrell Issa Reckless in IRS Probe
You know what’s fun? Watching politicians be giant crybabies about an issue, only to turn around and be total hypocrites on that very same issue! Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Satan’s Bunghole) is the latest to do so, this time on the issue of transparency. Remember when Rep. Issa went on the teevee to talk to CNN’s [...]
With Nothing Better To Do, Republicans Try to Ban Abortion Some More
Ah, lazy summer days. Fresh-squeezed lemonade, barbecues, bills to ban abortion for reasons that make absolutely zero sense and will never actually become law anyway, but who cares, congressional Republicans have their priorities, you know, and even though you might think “jobs” or “The War on Terra” or “naming post offices” might be more important, [...]
Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker Preps For 2016 White House Run By Proving Government Can’t Do Anything Right
Man, anti-union free market capitalism ain’t what it used to be. A few years ago, rightwing hero and prolific union-h8r Scott Walker soared into the governorship of Wisconsin with the slogan, “Wisconsin Is Open for Business.” Within a few months, he was wiping corporate jizz off his chin after ramming through right-to-work legislation and sticking [...]
Study: Republicans Oppose ‘Assisted Suicide,’ Cool With ‘Painless End Of Life’
Look, Democrats have a lot going for them right now. There’s our “flashy” President B. Barry Bamz and his healthcare law that can’t possibly be as bad as Republicans have spent the last half a decade derping that it will be, so expectations managed there; the country’s suddenly a lot cooler with gay folks, pot [...]
Kansas Genius: If We Cut Taxes On Groceries People Will Just Buy Food All The Time
Holy bejesus, wonders never cease. Look, ma, we found a Republican what does NOT want to cut taxes! Yes, you read that right. Kansas state Sen. Jeff Melcher (R-Really, we checked) does NOT support the bill that just passed the state Senate to cut the sales tax on food from 6.3 percent to 4.95 percent [...]
Republicans Knew About IRSgate Too, Will Now Have To Investigate Themselves
Don’t you just hate when this happens? You’re desperately flailing about for years and years, trying to find just the right faux scandal to investigate so you can finally impeach President Obama (calm down, Jason Chaffetz, no, it isn’t time yet). Maybe it will be the fake-but-real birth certificate. Maybe it will be a rumor that [...]
Congress Argues Over Whether Bible Allows Giving Free Food to Poors
Good news for the 15% of Americans who make up the Poors: Our elected representatives have done a close reading of the Constitution the Bible and magnanimously decided that it’s OK to give a few food stamps to poor people so they don’t starve, but not too many. Of course, it was not an open-and-shut [...]
Republicans Fabricated Smoking Gun Emails They Maybe Illegally Leaked; Forgot To Add Smoking Gun
First, a disclaimer: We, like you, are so. Fucking. Tired! of Benghazi. If Republicans had just taken our advice, they would not be suffering in the polls because they are wasting everyone’s time, and we would not be weeping into our latte because we have to keep struggling to wring a few drops of funny [...]
GOP to Impeach Obama for Benghazi Just as Soon as They Can Find It On Map
Are you sick and tired of hearing about how Benghazi is worse than Watergate and 9/11 and the Holocaust and socialized health care? Of course you are — just like the majority of voters. Public Policy Polling asked questions, all scientific-like, and found out most people think that yes, Congress should stop publicly masturbating to [...]
Republicans Publicly Masturbate to BENGHAZIIIIIIII!!!! On Taxpayers’ Dime All Day
Happy BENGHAZIIII!!!!1! Day, everyone. At long last, it’s here — the day children wait for all year, trying to be good and leaving out cookies before they go to bed in the hopes that Republicans will come in the dead of night to bring them tax cuts and transvaginal ultrasounds and the headbanded head of [...]
GOP Freshman Crybabies Want Their Chance To Throw Meaningless Hissyfit About Obamacare Too
What’s the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over — and over and over and over and OMG, again???? — and over and expecting different results? In that case, it’s time to bring in the nice men with the strong meds for Republicans in Congress who think that the fortieth time’s the charm: At [...]
What Was Your Favorite Part Of Rand Paul’s ‘History Of Democrat Racism’ At Historically Black Howard University?
Today, Senator Rand Paul liked himself a lot when he was either “brave” or “crazy” enough to venture into the Heart of Blackness that is historically black Howard University and lay down some TRUTH like that Republicans have always loved civil rights and more TRUTH like that he has always been in favor of the [...]
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