Tag Archives: republicans

  Another fine moment in GOP outreach

Everyone Loves Planned Parenthood, So Republicans Are Trying To Kill It

Freedom!
Hello. Do you — or someone you love, or even just like, or maybe sat next to on a bus one time — have a vagina? Did you know there is a place where you, or that other person, can go to make sure the vag is in tip-top shape, with no weird rashes or lumps or unwanted babies in it, even if you do not have health insurance or any dollars American? Read more on Everyone Loves Planned Parenthood, So Republicans Are Trying To Kill It…
  Sad stories

Fox News Lady Idiots Sick Of Being Tyrannied By Minorities All The Time

Boom, right?
If it is a day, you can be certain that there is a really stupid discussion happening on the Fox News network. Sometimes it is about Sharks Is Confusing, sometimes it’s about how it’s NO FAIR that some people get to say the N-word and others don’t. This time it happened on the “Outnumbered” program, and revolved around this story, of a redneck Missouri sheriff who just can’t understand why anybody would be offended by him sticking “In God We Trust” decals all over police cars, or how that’s kind of a separation of church and state issue. Read more on Fox News Lady Idiots Sick Of Being Tyrannied By Minorities All The Time…
  God is so forgetful

Pat Robertson Reminds God To Murder Supreme Court

Viewers ask the darnedest questions!
It’s time for another edition of viewer questions with Pat Robertson, which are sent by totally real viewers who exist, to Pat Robertson, so that his wisdom may be bestowed upon them. Whatcha curious about, “Eugene”? Oh, just how the Supreme Court that throatcrammed America with abortion was full of Republicans, who voted to kill all the unborned fetuses, and how did that silly forgetful Lord of ours not murder those justices and send them to hell? Read more on Pat Robertson Reminds God To Murder Supreme Court…
  Let's gossip about the week's stop stories

A Completely True Story About A Brazilian Pastor And His Holy Peen Milk. Your Weekly Top Ten

Ooh look a kitten.
Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and you are probably thinking “ooh I just clicked on this post HARD because I want to know about the Brazilian pastor and his holy peen milk” and we hate to break it to you, but it’s not true. The number two story of the week, FOR SOME REASON, was this thing we wrote in 2013, about a Brazilian pastor and his holy peen sperm milk, which turned out to be fakity fake fake, which NEVER HAPPENS AT WONKETTE. It just happened this one time, in 2013, because we do not speak Brazilianese and hey, nobody is perfect. But SOMEBODY posted it on Facebook this week, or on Tinder, we’re not quite sure, and it got eleventy million page views, so, because this is an honest and ethical top ten list, we are being honest about how it was the number two story of the week. If you are the person who posted it, please come forward so Wonkette can give you a spanking right on your bottom. Read more on A Completely True Story About A Brazilian Pastor And His Holy Peen Milk. Your Weekly Top Ten…
  He seemed nice

Lafayette Shooter Was Teabaggin’, Gay-Hatin’, Hitler-Lovin’ Fool, THANKS OBAMA!

Just another member of the Lone Wolf Freedom Shooty Brigade Of Lone Wolves
If the online footprint of the Lafayette shooter identified by police as John Russell Houser, who killed two and injured nine others during a Thursday night showing of Amy Schumer’s Trainwreck before then killing himself, is any indication, Obama has really outdone himself in the false flag department this time. What did Houser hate? Pretty much everything that’s good and decent. What did he love? The Tea Party (at least enough to have an account, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, on the Tea Party Nation website), white supremacy, and also, too, Hitler. Let’s have a look-see, starting with a Twitter account bearing Houser’s name, and with only two tweets: Read more on Lafayette Shooter Was Teabaggin’, Gay-Hatin’, Hitler-Lovin’ Fool, THANKS OBAMA!…
  Not that we blame you

New Poll Shows Republicans Starting To Realize They Suck

You sad bro?
What up, Republicans? You feeling sorta down, sorta bad about yourselves these days? Because of how you suck and no one likes you? And everyone is pointing and laughing HAHAHAHAHAHA, and saying, “Look at these idiots HAHAHAHAHAHA”? Yeah, we know you are. And you know you are too. And here are some numbers and graphs and nerdy nerd stuff like that to prove it. The Pew Research Center interrupted the dinners of 2002 adults and asked them what they think of the Republican Party, and they were like, “Oh, those guys? Those guys suck!” Read more on New Poll Shows Republicans Starting To Realize They Suck…
  makes perfect sense

Senate GOP Screwing Lady Veterans Out Of Having Babies, Because Planned Parenthood

No babies for vets until they save all the babies!
Oooooh, Senate Republicans are SO mad! Turns out there is a thing called Planned Parenthood, it does healthcare to ladies, including abortion healthcare, and absolutely nothing — NOTHING! — is more important than putting a stop to that right now. Not even our veterans, who are all heroes, every single one of them, but most especially Sen. John McCain, even if he is a RINO. And definitely not our lady veterans, who want to have babies. Sorry ladies, you’ll just have to wait until the GOP saves all the babies first. Read more on Senate GOP Screwing Lady Veterans Out Of Having Babies, Because Planned Parenthood…
  Ooh he mad!

Dumb Rick Perry To Dumb Donald Trump: MEEEEEE-OW! SCRATCH! HISS!

We're guessing Perry looked a bit like this delivering his remarks.
Guess former Texas governor and current GOP clown car rumble seat occupant Rick Perry doesn’t like being called the second biggest stupid in the world, just behind Sen. Lindsey Graham. In a speech delivered Wednesday to some cohort of idiots assembled by his super PAC, Perry thought he’d set the record straight on who is the real idiot, and also who is destroying the Republican Party, and also who is literal ass cancer embodied in human Republican form. Surprise, it is Donald Trump! Read more on Dumb Rick Perry To Dumb Donald Trump: MEEEEEE-OW! SCRATCH! HISS!…
  The kids on Twitter call this "doxxing"

Donald Trump Scrawls Lindsey ‘Good Time’ Graham’s Cell Phone Number On Bathroom Wall

CALL ME MAYBE
Donald Trump, Wonkette takes it all back. You are the best Republican candidate probably since Abraham Lincoln, who wouldn’t have had to deal with that pesky Civil War if he had just gotten the Messicans to build a YOOOOOOGE wall around the traitor states and posted signs everywhere that said “Camp Moron.” Speaking to voters in Lindsey Graham’s South Carolina, Trump thought it would be a good idea to say all kinds of bad words about Sen. Graham, and then give out his personal cell phone number, in case anybody in the audience was looking for a good sexxxy time with the Senator or something. Trump was mad because Graham called him a “jackass,” which is just mean. Read more on Donald Trump Scrawls Lindsey ‘Good Time’ Graham’s Cell Phone Number On Bathroom Wall…
  This is just a really good apology

Donald Trump Sorry Everyone Too Stupid To Understand John McCain Is Big War Hero Loser

Sorry you're dumb.
Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.comBy now you know how smegma-encrusted weasel-trap Donald Trump said John McCain is one BIG pussy, and that he’s only a war hero because he was captured, and that he prefers people who didn’t get captured, and now everybody and their mother hates Donald Trump, except for all the Republican assholes who find this endearing somehow. Well, Trump would like to apologize. Excuse us, Trump would like to “apologize,” for you being so stupid that you didn’t understand what he said the first time. He explained this to known war correspondent Bill O’Reilly, who asked Trump to say something “man to man” to John McCain, like they would do if they were going to have a barfight, or maybe about to do Brokeback Mountain-style sex on each other: Read more on Donald Trump Sorry Everyone Too Stupid To Understand John McCain Is Big War Hero Loser…
  who?

Let’s Learn About That Jerk From Ohio Who’s Not Going To Be President, Then Promptly Forget

How many votes you getting, buddy?
You know how Republican primary voters are looking for a serious candidate? One with a record of governance, popularity within his own state (sorry, Carly, but these are not vag voters, they want a his), and even a moderate position or two, like on expanding Medicaid through Obamacare? No, of course not, because Republicans love Donald Trump the most right now. True story. Read more on Let’s Learn About That Jerk From Ohio Who’s Not Going To Be President, Then Promptly Forget…
  Basically like Jesus

Donald Trump YOOOOGE Fan Of God And Those Little Jesus Crackers

Donald Trump, good Christian
We have been so busy LOLing and WTFing over Donald Trump’s attack on John McCain for being a fake war hero, with his weak-assed POWing, because Trump “like[s] people that weren’t captured,” that we almost forgot to tell you some of the other hilarity of Trump’s weekend. Almost. Read more on Donald Trump YOOOOGE Fan Of God And Those Little Jesus Crackers…
  Yes we are entertained

John McCain Graciously Refuses To Tell Donald Trump To F*ck Himself In The Ear

Not a good day to be John McCain
Did you hear the one about how Donald Trump thinks John McCain is a L-O-S-E-R for getting captured and held as a prisoner of war that one time, in the Nam, for five and a half years? Of course you did, because we, along with the rest of the entire US of A, can’t stop talking about it. Read more on John McCain Graciously Refuses To Tell Donald Trump To F*ck Himself In The Ear…
  Have fun in jail

Disgraced Former Rep. And Roid-Rager Michael Grimm Going To Pokey, For Tax Criming

Michael Grimm, tax cheat
Remember Michael Grimm? Probably not, but we will remind you. He was a Republican congressman from New York that one time, until he had to resign because of how he didn’t report of all his wages and revenue and kinda sorta filed fake tax documents for his restaurant, Healthalicious, OOPS, which is UNLEGAL, as a former FBI agent should probably know. First he was all like, “Nah, I did not cheat on my taxes, because I am a moral man, a man of integrity, so I would never — ah, damnit, OK, you caught me, yeah I did that, I am guilty. But I will not resign from Congress, and you can’t make me!” Read more on Disgraced Former Rep. And Roid-Rager Michael Grimm Going To Pokey, For Tax Criming…
  Bow down bitches

Caitlyn Jenner Is Not Afraid Of You And She Will Beat Your Ass, Backwards, In Heels

Bow down bitches
Wednesday night, Caitlyn Jenner received the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPYs, and for any activist out there worried about things like “oh, she’s white and rich and privileged and a Republican blah blah blah, who’s going to tell the REAL STORIES?!?!” (looking at you, TWITTER), we think those worries are unfounded. She KILLED IT. She looked stunning in Versace, whether you think she favors Jessica Lange or a healthier Janice Dickinson. And she was very clear about the fact that she understands that with her huge platform comes even huger responsibilities. Read more on Caitlyn Jenner Is Not Afraid Of You And She Will Beat Your Ass, Backwards, In Heels…
  wait what?

GOP Senator Enraged Obama Giving Arms To Iran, Wait That Was Reagan

Barack Obama and one of his Persian lovers.
To say that Republicans have become unhinged over President Obama’s Iran deal would be a generous understatement. But “moderate” (hahaha) Sen. Mark Kirk, Republican of Illinois, may (at least for the moment) be the most unhinged of all. Did you know that Obama reached this agreement so that we can give all the nukes to Iran so they can murder everyone in the Middle East? IT’S TRUE! At least it’s true if you live in Mark Kirk’s brain. Read more on GOP Senator Enraged Obama Giving Arms To Iran, Wait That Was Reagan…