WASHINGTON, DC, 12:25 AM, SAT JULY 4 | Advertise on Wonkette | tips@wonkette.com | SUBMIT A TIP | RSS

Posts Tagged ‘republicans’

SARAH PALIN EXCUSE GENERATOR

So Why Did This Crazy Palin Lady Quit the Alaska Governor Job She Just Started Two Years Ago?

Friday, July 3rd, 2009

Nobody has to guess, That Baby can't be blessed, Till she sees finally that she's like all the rest.First of all, Sarah Palin, go to HELL for ruining your editor’s day of patriotic rest and BBQ. Second, why did you really quit, crazy lady? We admit to “jumping to conclusions” (trying to hurry up and get back outside to our cocktails and friends), but the story may be more complicated than “Sarah Palin is a sociopath who will just quit being governor of Alaska THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS before the next presidential election, just to show her, uhm, Leadership Credentials, which means constantly yelling at David Letterman about a joke she couldn’t comprehend.” But there are so many more crazy theories about America’s craziest Alaskan Anger Bear, the snowbilly grifter and strip-mall Ice Queen of Wasilla. Let’s examine them, together! MORE »


SEX ADVICE COLUMNS

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

Including the legendary 'That Sparkin' Thing'THE SAD ROMANTICAL BALLAD OF MARK SANFORD: “Of course, when you’re a middle-aged man facing the collapse of your life’s work and abandoning hope of being with the woman you call your ‘ soul mate’ rational decision making or a clearly considered plan may be too much to expect.” Illustration by our pal Lauri. [TPM]


RUSHMORE'S NEXT

Official Romney Portrait Unveiled

Wednesday, July 1st, 2009

Next, he will be fingered by a probe.Mitt Romney thinks he can get elected the Republican president of the United States someday, even though he served as the governor of the People’s Republic of Taxachusetts and instituted a Cuban healthcare regime while in office. To commemorate his unhappy tenure as a hostage of the Massachusetts state legislature’s overwhelmingly Democratic majority, the state unveiled an official portrait of the former governor yesterday. If he looks uncomfortable, it’s because of the rectal spindle that attaches him to the desk. UPDATE: MORE »


HAVE SOME DIGNITY MAN

Sanford Talks Of ‘Soul Mate,’ Other Ladies In Most Embarrassing Interview Yet

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

His life is like a trashy romance novel, only trashier.When Governor Mark Sanford tearfully admitted last week that he had an affair with some gal who he actually liked a lot, many people wrote approvingly of his candor, and the fact that he didn’t say “Meh, I was just boning some slutty slut, it meant nothing.” He had feelings and things, and maybe a decent amount of respect for his mistress! But now we learn that all of his “dear, dear friend” claptrap was just a precursor to a torrent of undignified, cruelly narcissistic oversharing. MORE »


LET THE STATES DECIDE

South Carolina: Soft On Adultery?

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

Mark Sanford loves to put the mule in the bathtub.Ever gotten one of those wacky “trivia for reading on the toilet” sorts of books for your birthday, the kind that says, “an antiquated law in Missouri dictates that anyone who puts a mule in a bathtub must be publicly flogged”? Here is another bit of trivia you might find in such a book: apparently South Carolina decreed in 1880 or so that adulterers must pay up to $500 in fines and serve a year in jail. MORE »


BEATING AROUND THE BUSH

John Boehner Simply Does Not Care For This Cap-And-Trade Bill

Monday, June 29th, 2009

He does not care for Riley Waggaman, either.Today, in our ongoing celebration of profane Republican lawmakers, we bring you the beloved Ohio smoke-mummy John Boehner. On Friday he very coyly suggested that Nancy Pelosi’s “Let’s All Give Anal Beads to the Polar Bears for Christmas” enviroterrorist legislation was not quite to his taste … MORE »


AMERICAN HEROES

Why Have We Not Heard Of This Delightful Lee Terry Character?

Monday, June 29th, 2009

Midwestern Saint of Profane InvectiveSo this guy Lee Terry, he is from Nebraska — a state which, as anyone who has spent an hour and a half getting lunch in Omaha can tell you, is surprisingly tolerable! Rep. Terry is very feisty, as well, as evidenced by his reportedly telling a DC driver “Fuck you” when the driver pointed out the other day that he was jaywalking. He also got into a vulgar shouting match with Jesse Jackson Jr. once on the House floor. This alone equipped him with a one-way ticket to Awesome. [CQ via Glenn Thrush]


ILLITERATES

Joe The Plumber Says Founding Fathers Hated Communism, Which Was Invented 60 Years After The Constitution

Friday, June 26th, 2009

We the SheepleWell, that’s what this dingus gets for not carrying around a pocket-sized copy of The Communist Manifesto, which was pretty clearly published in 1848, MANY MOONS after the drafting of the Constitution. At a recent appearance in Wausau, Wisconsin, he said that the Founding Fathers “knew socialism doesn’t work. They knew communism doesn’t work.” On the other hand, the Founding Fathers knew two things did work: leeching, and slavery. [Wausau Daily Herald]


OK JULI ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

Thursday, June 25th, 2009

Heaven knows I'm miserable now ...NEW YORKER STAFFERS QUITE FAMILIAR WITH EXCLUSIVE NEIGHBORHOOD OF MARK SANFORD’S MISTRESS: Sparkin’ Sanford’s Buenos Aires’ pied-à-terre is in a rather lovely area where the better people congregate. “The well-kept doorman buildings feature underground parking garages and balconies. It’s winter now in Argentina, but in summer you can smell the animals in the zoo across the street from my grandfather’s balcony—and from Maria’s place as well, no doubt. Guido’s bar and restaurant at 2843 is probably the street’s most iconic feature, a quirky Italian place with no actual menu, where you are at the mercy of your waiter. The surrounding neighborhood, Palermo, is a fashionable residential neighborhood featuring a large namesake park, a major shopping district, bars and restaurants. We’ve yet to find out much about Sanford’s mistress, but the charms of her neighborhood are obvious.” [New Yorker]


BURN DOWN THE DISCO HANG THE BLESSED DJ

Is Mark Sanford America’s First Emo Republican Adulterer?

Thursday, June 25th, 2009

There was nothing in the world, That I ever wanted more, Than to never feel the breaking apart, All my pictures of youWe don’t know what this “emo” stuff is really about, either — it’s just boys who dress like The Strokes and wear Robert Smith eyeliner and whine-yell a bunch of misogynistic nonsense about their hurt feelings, right? How the hell this goes back to Ian MacKaye, we cannot even pretend to understand. And being a slave to your banal Emotions is about as far from the Path as you can get, but whatever, this is America. And, according to cultural anthropologist David Rees, disgraced blabbermouth Mark Sanford is an emo kid! Look for his new album on MySpace next week, Tears of Argentina (Maria), by his vanity project “the sparkin’ thing.” BREAKING UPDATE: Or is Mark Sanford actually Jude Law from a Kate Winslet movie we never saw? David Denby sure has a comment, about this comparison! [David Rees]


HISTORICAL MOMENTS IN JOURNALISM

Reporter Reveals How She Got Exclusive Sanford AM Airport SCOOP

Thursday, June 25th, 2009

Well here is a sort of sad but interesting angle on the Sanford Firecracker Love Scandal, straight from The State reporter Gina Smith, who drove 200 miles to corner the exhausted governor of South Carolina at 6:15 in the morning yesterday as he was arriving back at the Atlanta airport, probably all morning breath-y. MORE »