Tag Archives: republican primary

  Breathtaking!

Donald Trump Has YOOOOOOGE, Beautiful Plan To Elect Hillary Clinton President

Now you can have an authentic Donald Trump experience in your own home
Recently, Donald “I am Donald Trump!” Trump had to reassure everyone that no, he is not a secret Democratic operative, playing in the GOP primary for the purposes of making all the other candidates eat each other alive and just look dumb. OR IS HE? Well maybe he has changed his mind on the subject, because the RNC is being mean to him and saying things like “Hey, stop calling the Mexicans rapists, stop punching John McCain in the face, and also you are an asshole,” which is NOT part of Trump’s plan to Make America Great Again, so maybe if they keep being such bitches he’ll run third party: Read more on Donald Trump Has YOOOOOOGE, Beautiful Plan To Elect Hillary Clinton President…
  The kids on Twitter call this "doxxing"

Donald Trump Scrawls Lindsey ‘Good Time’ Graham’s Cell Phone Number On Bathroom Wall

CALL ME MAYBE
Donald Trump, Wonkette takes it all back. You are the best Republican candidate probably since Abraham Lincoln, who wouldn’t have had to deal with that pesky Civil War if he had just gotten the Messicans to build a YOOOOOOGE wall around the traitor states and posted signs everywhere that said “Camp Moron.” Speaking to voters in Lindsey Graham’s South Carolina, Trump thought it would be a good idea to say all kinds of bad words about Sen. Graham, and then give out his personal cell phone number, in case anybody in the audience was looking for a good sexxxy time with the Senator or something. Trump was mad because Graham called him a “jackass,” which is just mean. Read more on Donald Trump Scrawls Lindsey ‘Good Time’ Graham’s Cell Phone Number On Bathroom Wall…
  This is just a really good apology

Donald Trump Sorry Everyone Too Stupid To Understand John McCain Is Big War Hero Loser

Sorry you're dumb.
Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.comBy now you know how smegma-encrusted weasel-trap Donald Trump said John McCain is one BIG pussy, and that he’s only a war hero because he was captured, and that he prefers people who didn’t get captured, and now everybody and their mother hates Donald Trump, except for all the Republican assholes who find this endearing somehow. Well, Trump would like to apologize. Excuse us, Trump would like to “apologize,” for you being so stupid that you didn’t understand what he said the first time. He explained this to known war correspondent Bill O’Reilly, who asked Trump to say something “man to man” to John McCain, like they would do if they were going to have a barfight, or maybe about to do Brokeback Mountain-style sex on each other: Read more on Donald Trump Sorry Everyone Too Stupid To Understand John McCain Is Big War Hero Loser…
  Sloppy 50ths

Bobby Jindal Will Protect Straight Marriage The Bestest, He Can Be President Now? (Updated)

Bless his dumbass heart. Or fuck him in the ear. Whatever.
Gov. Bobby Jindal, you petulant little shit. You see, the Supreme Court spoke last week on the subject of marriage equality, and pretty much all the other states are in compliance, or on their way to getting around to doing that. Oh, there are some whiny-ass court clerks and probate judges with martyr complexes, stomping up and down about how they’re going to have to resign their jobs, due to EW GAY, because their dumb fucked-up version of Christianity compels them to put their families at financial risk over them goldurn homosexuals gettin’ hitched up proper. Read more on Bobby Jindal Will Protect Straight Marriage The Bestest, He Can Be President Now? (Updated)…
  She might not even vote for him

Rick Santorum Has One Supporter In Iowa, And Her Name Is Peggy

Can't go wrong with the classics
Poor Rick Santorum. He has been trying so hard to get somebody to care about the fact that he is running for president, but nobody does. And in a race to see which GOP candidate can out-wingnut them all, by hating the gays and the ‘bortions and the Messicans THE MOST, Santorum loses, not because his heart isn’t in the right place, but because he comes across as sad and pathetic. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel! The light’s name is Peggy, and she is Santorum’s one supporter: Read more on Rick Santorum Has One Supporter In Iowa, And Her Name Is Peggy…
  sure why not

Former RINO Gov. George Pataki Remembers 9/11, Can He Be President Too?

So George Pataki was governor of New York once upon a time, and he’s always kind of wanted to run for president one day maybe. Being a semi-sentient being with nothing better to do, he figures since he’s a Republican and everyone else is doing it, this is his chance, so on Thursday, he released a video announcing he’s also running too. Sure, he knows he probably (definitely) cannot win, but then, none of the other Republicans in the race can win either, so what the hell. YOLO! But Pataki at least has a special kind of can’t-win quality: he’s not nearly as fire-breathing, Bible-humping INSANE as the rest of the Republican field: Read more on Former RINO Gov. George Pataki Remembers 9/11, Can He Be President Too?…
  fuck this guy

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal Will Screw The Gays All By Himself, You’ll See

Bless his dumbass heart. Or fuck him in the ear. Whatever.
On Tuesday, a Fuck The Gays bill, HB 707 — similar to the Religious Freedom Restoration Acts (RFRAs) that passed, and were subsequently “fixed” like common dachschunds, in Indiana and Arkansas — died in a Louisiana House committee in a 10-2 vote. Gov. Bobby Jindal will not stand for this act of gay activist democracy, so he decided that if the House won’t do its duty, to Jesus and America, and pass the bill, he will just write his own version of the bill and pass it with an executive order, like a common power-grabbing tyrant: Read more on Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal Will Screw The Gays All By Himself, You’ll See…
  no

Did Jeb Bush Personally Film Hardcore Porn Flicks As Florida Governor?

Shield your eyes!
Made you look. But here is an interesting thing that is coming back up, now that Jeb Bush is one of the Republicans likely to lose to Hillary Clinton in 2016. Did you know that, while Bush was governor of Florida, his administration used retirees’ pension money to invest in ALL THE PORN? It’s true, if by “all the porn,” you mean Florida’s State Board Of Administration invested money in a fund that, among other things, included a company called Movie Gallery, which went bankrupt in 2010, but at one time was one of the biggest movie rental companies in the United States. And wouldn’t you know it? Movie Gallery sold some porn, therefore Jeb Bush has COMPLETELY betrayed his social conservative constituents, who have never, ever seen porn in their entire lives, down in the basement, after their wives were in bed: Read more on Did Jeb Bush Personally Film Hardcore Porn Flicks As Florida Governor?…
  She'll place all her pantsuits in a blind trust

Epic Fail Carly Fiorina Officially Announces She’s Just Like Hillary Clinton Only Better

Some assembly required.
With not a single demon sheep in sight, Carly Fiorina officially announced that she is also tossing her name in the hat for the great Hillary Clinton Ass-Kicking Raffle of 2016. Unlike all the other presidential candidates except for one (some lady, can’t remember who right now), Fiorina made her announcement on her website, with a video we’re assuming is titled “Me too! Me too!” We’d show you the video, but cutting edge leader in technology Carly Fiorina hasn’t made the video embeddable, so you’ll have to go watch it yourself, sorry. But here’s the opening shot, and yes, we do wish Dr. Sigmund Freud himself were here to analyze the hell out of it: Read more on Epic Fail Carly Fiorina Officially Announces She’s Just Like Hillary Clinton Only Better…
  Here have some news n stuff

Americans Still Hate Hillary Clinton Less Than Every GOP Candidate Alive

Up to no good, maybe or maybe not
Remember how Hillary Clinton was finally vanquished and destroyed forever because of the latest whatevergate? Yeah, about that. CNN has a new poll with some bad news — for Republicans: Hillary Clinton continues to be a dominant force heading into the 2016 presidential election, according to a new CNN/ORC poll. The former secretary of state maintains a broad lead over the field of potential Democratic challengers she could face in a nomination contest and sizable advantages over the leading contenders from the Republican side in general election match-ups. Read more on Americans Still Hate Hillary Clinton Less Than Every GOP Candidate Alive…
  Nope

Rand Paul Preparing To Announce Plan To Not Be President

Mind: Blown
Spoiler alert, again: Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul is not going to be president. He is not even going to be the Republican nominee for president in 2016. Thanks to some special rules in Kentucky that you can only seek one office at a time, it isn’t even legal for him to run for president, if he wants to simultaneously try to keep his Senate seat, which he does, because even he knows he is not going to be president. Read more on Rand Paul Preparing To Announce Plan To Not Be President…
  the opitomy of a dumb ass

Idaho Had A Gubernatorial Primary Debate, And Magic Happened

The Great State of Idaho holds its primary election next week, to decide which Republican candidates will beat some token Democrats in November. We have a true two-party system in this fine state: Conservative Republicans, and Insanely Conservative Republicans. And every four years, we get treated to the Republican debate, an event usually featuring a mainstream Republican, sometimes two, and any number of other candidates who somehow got enough signatures to get on the ballot. This time around, for the boring student council contingent, we had incumbent Gov. C.L. “Butch” Otter, who’s running for his third term, and State Sen. Russ Fulcher, who’s challenging from the right (and has the endorsement of tea party congresscritter Raul Labrador). Both of them are rightwing enough that in a normal setting, we might find something either said a little astonishing. But they actually seem like a couple of bland Rotarians in comparison to the two guys from Delta House: Perennial candidates Walt Bayes who likes the Bible a whole bunch (and once campaigned on a platform of separate bathrooms for straights and gays), and Harley Brown, a biker, former Navy Seabee, and all-around loony who is proud of his hilarious “Harleyisms,” which include some hilarious ethnic jokes — he doesn’t believe in “political correctness,” or any other kind, for that matter. Read more on Idaho Had A Gubernatorial Primary Debate, And Magic Happened…
  a wonkette endorsement

North Carolinians, Please Vote For This Greg Brannon Fella, You’ll Love Him, He’s Great

It is not often that we ask you terrible people to do much besides laugh at our jokes and give us all of your monies. But now we need your help, or at least the help of our readers who live in North Carolina, the (remarkably) less crazy Carolina. We need you to register as Republicans before next Tuesday so you can vote in the GOP Senate primary for crazypants Tea Party candidate Greg Brannon. Have you people outside North Carolina not heard of Crazypants Greg Brannon? Our friends at Buzzfeed and Mother Jones have been tracking him like Marlin Perkins tracking a snow leopard through a Siberian forest and hoo boy, of all the wingnuts who have come oozing out of the primordial swamp that is the Tea Party, this guy might be the wingnuttiest. He could out-nutty Paul “Science is lies from the pit of hell” Broun. He could make Christine O’Donnell look like Madeline Albright. He could … you get the idea. Brannon is a Tea Party activist who has apparently read nothing but John Birch Society newsletters and InfoWars for most of his adult life, resulting in beliefs that are, um, totally whacked-out, poop-brained, Dennis-Hopper-on-meth crazy awesome. Like, such as… Read more on North Carolinians, Please Vote For This Greg Brannon Fella, You’ll Love Him, He’s Great…
  the circus is back in town

Jeb Bush Thinks Maybe He Would Possibly Like To Lose GOP Nomination For President Please

In Our Great Nation’s short history, we have created many uniquely American traditions: Thanksgiving, Independence Day, Patriots’ Day, free refills on soda, and electing members of the Bush family to the White House. Jeb Bush, the Bush son who probably should have run for the office the first time around, because Jeb did not get C’s and has fewer reported drug or alcohol problems, purportedly announced that he was “thinking about running for president.” Which is not actually real news, because Bush already said that he was considering a bid for the presidency and he’d make up his mind at the end of 2014. But, let’s all pretend this is news, because everyone else is breathlessly speculating reporting on it and Yr Wonkette doesn’t want to be left out. Read more on Jeb Bush Thinks Maybe He Would Possibly Like To Lose GOP Nomination For President Please…
  'kumbayah' is so divisive

Nevada Congressional Candidate Won’t ‘Segregate’ Gays By Protecting Them From Discrimination

From the beautiful state of Nevada, we bring you the imaginative linguistic stylings of congressional candidate Cresent Hardy, a member of the state Assembly who would very much like to replace first-term Democrat Steven Horsford in the 4th District. On Tuesday, Hardy gave an interview to the Las Vegas Sun in which he shared some of his innovative ideas, one of which is that he opposes the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA), which would prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender identity. Now, your average wingnut might just say they oppose ENDA because businesses should be free to discriminate, but Hardy has a far more philosophical objection: “When we create classes, we create that same separation that we’re trying to unfold somehow,” he said. “By continuing to create these laws that are what I call segregation laws, it puts one class of a person over another. We are creating classes of people through these laws.” You see, there are no differences between people, only those we create in the mind, and so any attempt to prevent discrimination actually creates discrimination, by naming a group of people as “different.” And yet we have a feeling he still checks to see whether he’s using the men’s or the ladies’ restroom. Read more on Nevada Congressional Candidate Won’t ‘Segregate’ Gays By Protecting Them From Discrimination…