Congratulations to Michael Steele, who finally beat out that actual Confederate slaveowning plantation owner to become the first African-American President of the United States! Maybe we should celebrate with something fun, like a national WAR WITH IRAN, hmm? Well, even though we were *praying* for the old white guy — a member of a whites-only country club! — to come from behind and “steele” the black person’s victory at the last minute, we are “steele” satisfied with Michael “Steele.” Let’s “steele” away to our Wonkette Time Machine and revisit a hilarious chapter in state political history: Michael “Steele’s” brief and mostly unsuccessful political career in the important state of Maryland! MORE »

David Brooks is an actual MAD MAN! This is what he wrote last Friday in his farty little column: “Palin held up her end of an energetic debate that gave voters a direct look at two competing philosophies. She established debating parity with Joe Biden. And in a country that is furious with Washington, she presented herself as a radical alternative.” So in love! But now he’s 180ed again after realizing that the “radical alternative” she presented herself as was just a filthy malignant tumor — he called her “cancer,” ha ha ha, WHAT? MORE »

A source close to Stephen Colbert tells CNN that the Colbert Report host will file papers tonight or Thursday to get on the South Carolina Democratic primary ballot — but not the Republican one. Although his initial plan had been to run in both parties’ primaries, making the Republican ballot costs $35,000, while the Democratic ballot costs $2,000. (The cost must be causing massive anxiety inside the McCain camp). To hear Colbert’s commentary on this, tune into an all-new Colbert Report tonight at 11:30/10:30 ET on Comedy Central! Well, we assume. MORE »