Tag Archives: republican party

  Not that we blame you

New Poll Shows Republicans Starting To Realize They Suck

You sad bro?
What up, Republicans? You feeling sorta down, sorta bad about yourselves these days? Because of how you suck and no one likes you? And everyone is pointing and laughing HAHAHAHAHAHA, and saying, “Look at these idiots HAHAHAHAHAHA”? Yeah, we know you are. And you know you are too. And here are some numbers and graphs and nerdy nerd stuff like that to prove it. The Pew Research Center interrupted the dinners of 2002 adults and asked them what they think of the Republican Party, and they were like, “Oh, those guys? Those guys suck!” Read more on New Poll Shows Republicans Starting To Realize They Suck…
  Ooh he mad!

Dumb Rick Perry To Dumb Donald Trump: MEEEEEE-OW! SCRATCH! HISS!

We're guessing Perry looked a bit like this delivering his remarks.
Guess former Texas governor and current GOP clown car rumble seat occupant Rick Perry doesn’t like being called the second biggest stupid in the world, just behind Sen. Lindsey Graham. In a speech delivered Wednesday to some cohort of idiots assembled by his super PAC, Perry thought he’d set the record straight on who is the real idiot, and also who is destroying the Republican Party, and also who is literal ass cancer embodied in human Republican form. Surprise, it is Donald Trump! Read more on Dumb Rick Perry To Dumb Donald Trump: MEEEEEE-OW! SCRATCH! HISS!…
  Lube sold separately

Hey, GOP, If You Love Donald Trump So Much, You Can Shove Him Up Your Butthole

Just a reminder that you can still purchase nice Donald Trump buttplugs, for sexing, in your butt.
Do you love Donald Trump SOOOO much you’d gay-marry him and his totally not fake hair, if that weren’t a gross abomination? If you are a Republican, probably yes! (But without the gay marriage, obvs; you’d just anonymously blow him in a truck stop glory hole, then go home to your lovely wife.) Turns out, Republicans are falling madly in love with Trump, on the real: Read more on Hey, GOP, If You Love Donald Trump So Much, You Can Shove Him Up Your Butthole…
  sluts sluts sluts

Oh Hey There’s A Shark In The Middle Of The Road, Guess The State: Your Florida Roundup

Actually set in Florida, true story
Let us take a break from the perpetual celebration of the arrival of Editrix Jr., our future overlord, peace be upon her, to remind ourselves that all is not so precious and beautiful in the world, and places like Florida still exist. To wit: Where the fuck else would you find a headline like this? Read more on Oh Hey There’s A Shark In The Middle Of The Road, Guess The State: Your Florida Roundup…
  Worser and worser

This Lady Says Sick Bastard Denny Hastert Molested The Hell Out Of Her Brother In High School

Sick fuck if true
Remember when we told you the story of the indictment of former Speaker of the House Denny Hastert, for allegedly paying hush money to cover up his sexual abuse of a former student known only as “Individual A,” was only going to get worse? It’s worse. Read more on This Lady Says Sick Bastard Denny Hastert Molested The Hell Out Of Her Brother In High School…
  we can say it out loud now

Yep, Ex-Speaker Denny Hastert Paid Hush Money To Cover Up Kid-Diddling. ALLEGEDLY.

Not actually Denny Hastert
So yeah. The dark secret not detailed in the indictment against former Republican House Speaker Denny Hastert, for allegedly agreeing to pay “Individual A” $3.5 million to keep his dark secret a secret and lying to the FBI about it? The details of which U.S. Attorney Zachary T. Fardon agreed to omit from the indictment for reasons we cannot begin to imagine? Well, according to the L.A. Times, Hastert’s secret is that he a sick son of a bitch whose “prior misconduct” was sexually abusing someone who’d known Hastert most of his life (a former student, maybe?), back in his coaching and teaching days, before he became a member of Congress: Read more on Yep, Ex-Speaker Denny Hastert Paid Hush Money To Cover Up Kid-Diddling. ALLEGEDLY….
  Allegedly

Ex-Speaker Denny Hastert Indicted For Paying Hush Money To Cover Up Something REAL Bad

Good point!
Once upon a time, while the Republican Party was trying to recover from its self-inflicted wounds after its disastrous impeachment trial of President Bill Clinton for getting an extramarital hummer, conservative evangelical Illinois Republican Dennis Hastert became Speaker of the House. He wasn’t the first choice; Speaker Newt Gingrich had decided to retire, after making a mess of Congress, and the party’s second choice, Bob Livingston, also resigned in disgrace — for sexytiming someone who was not his wife — before he could even assume the position. Runner-up Hastert eventually landed the gig because of his clean-as-a-whistle reputation. Certainly he would not bring hypocritical shame to the party that had just thrown a constitutional temper tantrum over a blowjob. Until now. Read more on Ex-Speaker Denny Hastert Indicted For Paying Hush Money To Cover Up Something REAL Bad…
  wtf?

Republicans Actually Say Out Loud They Are Not Loyal To America, To Pollsters, With Their Mouths

Just plain sad
After all these years of hearing So. Much. BULLSHIT! about Barack Obama — he’s a secret Muslim, he’s a secret Kenyan, he’s a cokehead, he’s a gay, he’s the devil, he’s the anti-christ, he’s Hitler, he’s a this that the other thing ARGGGHHHH! — we have no right to be shocked anymore by anything any Republicans say or do to let us know just how much they hate the president. Read more on Republicans Actually Say Out Loud They Are Not Loyal To America, To Pollsters, With Their Mouths…
  Next: The Inevitable Drunken Make-Up Sex

Glenn Beck Breaks Up With GOP, Won’t Return Any LPs They Bought Together

Who'll get custody of the Butthurt?
Oh dear. This is going to make for some awkward Thanksgiving dinners, we bet: Glenn Beck is done with the Republican Party because he just can’t stand how they keep cheating on him. On his radio programme Wednesday, Mr. Beck told the GOP that it’s not him, it’s them: Read more on Glenn Beck Breaks Up With GOP, Won’t Return Any LPs They Bought Together…
  The GOP Civil War is still alive and well!

No, John Boehner Is Not Fellating The President, Says John Boehner

It only *looks* like he grew a beard there
Fresh from beating off a half-assed coup from the wing of his party that eats roadkill and shits conspiracy theories, Speaker of the House John Boehner reveals in Politico that reports that he looooves to fellate the president are wildly overstated: Read more on No, John Boehner Is Not Fellating The President, Says John Boehner…
  Very Serious Journamalism Meets Very Serious Talking Points

GOP Will Give Pregnant Ladies ‘Whatever It Is That We Can Offer’ Except For One Little Thing

Just trying to remember which talking point works here
In the never-ending quest to prove that every member of the Republican Party is dumber than he (or she, there are like half a dozen chicks too!) looks, Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus went on Meet The Press Sunday to really drive the message home again some more again some more. Read more on GOP Will Give Pregnant Ladies ‘Whatever It Is That We Can Offer’ Except For One Little Thing…
  Shouldn't Have Let Operation Rescue Do The Campaign Mailers

Michigan GOP Urges Wingnuts To Harass Democrat’s Dying Mom About Obamacare

t's just free speech. Shut up.
Look, politics is serious business, and if you’re in a tight race, anything goes. If you’re the Michigan GOP, that even includes sending out a mailer that urges people to call a Democratic candidate’s 91-year-old mother, who is in hospice care at a nursing home, so they can tell her just how much they hate Obamacare: Read more on Michigan GOP Urges Wingnuts To Harass Democrat’s Dying Mom About Obamacare…
  They're also FOR being against everything

Republicans Rebranding Again (Again), This Time As Party Of ‘Ideas’ LOL

They sure love us
Since it has been almost five whole minutes since the Republican Party tried again to rebrand itself again unsuccessfully again (turns out stock photos can’t vote; who knew?), there’s a new new super extra new plan to convince voters the Republican Party does not suck. We’re hoping it doesn’t fail until we at least finish writing about it. Read more on Republicans Rebranding Again (Again), This Time As Party Of ‘Ideas’ LOL…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Napalms Fox & GOP For Selective Benghazi Outrage (Video)

As you may have noticed, the conservative politico-media nexus has shifted focus: with Obamacare Fear no longer getting much traction, they’re back to Benghazi Outrage again. And here’s Jon Stewart to answer Fox News’s repeated question: Why aren’t Americans as outraged as Fox News knows they should be? Just maybe, says Stewart, it has something to do with having very recently experienced an administration that really knew how to distort and manipulate. With Benghazi, after all, Fox seems to think that after “hundreds of cable news stories about Benghazi, 13 Congressional hearings, 50 further Congressional briefings and 25,000 pages of official findings … that if we all only knew about it — we would care.” But the only thing that we’ve heard more about in the last year and a half, says Stewart, is maybe the Kardashians. Read more on Jon Stewart Napalms Fox & GOP For Selective Benghazi Outrage (Video)…
  the circus is back in town

Jeb Bush Thinks Maybe He Would Possibly Like To Lose GOP Nomination For President Please

In Our Great Nation’s short history, we have created many uniquely American traditions: Thanksgiving, Independence Day, Patriots’ Day, free refills on soda, and electing members of the Bush family to the White House. Jeb Bush, the Bush son who probably should have run for the office the first time around, because Jeb did not get C’s and has fewer reported drug or alcohol problems, purportedly announced that he was “thinking about running for president.” Which is not actually real news, because Bush already said that he was considering a bid for the presidency and he’d make up his mind at the end of 2014. But, let’s all pretend this is news, because everyone else is breathlessly speculating reporting on it and Yr Wonkette doesn’t want to be left out. Read more on Jeb Bush Thinks Maybe He Would Possibly Like To Lose GOP Nomination For President Please…
  women on the verge of a nervous breakdown

Peggy Noonan Conducts Seance, Or Perhaps Depraved Ether Binge, It’s Hard To Tell

Late on a stormy night, Sister Margaret Ellen Noonan wandered, brooding, along the long hallway she called the “Hall of Heroes” in her proper Republican pied-à-terre high above Manhattan. The portraits on the walls, oil paintings of dour old white men in three-piece suits, glowered at her. All the great Republicans were here: Reagan, of course, but also Ike and Coolidge and Teddy Roosevelt with his walrus moustache. Thunder crashed outside, and lightning flashing at the windows gave her heroes’ feral eyes a masculine cast. Oh, these were men, all right! Great men, colossi, who once strode the purple mountains majesty and the amber waves of grain! And where had they all gone, these great leaders? For Sister Margaret was troubled. Her precious Republican Party was now led by loudmouths and louts, grifters and gombeens. Hacks of weak character like John Boehner. Mulatto Canadians like Ted Cruz. And the two wings of the GOP represented by these two men, the proper Establishment and the rabid Tea Party, were at each other’s throats. Where was the person who could act as conciliator? Where was the unifying spirit? Read more on Peggy Noonan Conducts Seance, Or Perhaps Depraved Ether Binge, It’s Hard To Tell…