Tag Archives: republican national convention

  win of the afternoon

Report: GOP Tried to Hire Lady Gaga to Play Her Sex Music at RNC

It turns out everyone’s favorite closeted homosexual support group the Republican Party seems to have wanted Lady Gaga at last summer’s Republican National Convention far more than it wanted noted sleeping aid Mitt Romney there: according to the hilarious details of a lawsuit against one of the RNC vendors, Lady Gaga was offered one million dollars to perform at the convention. Let’s all take a moment to hope that there is a parallel universe out there where she did in fact agree to appear for all the squealing Republican convention-goers, so we may all imagine the waxy tears in Lindsey Graham’s eyes as he mouthed along to the lyrics from his front-row seat. Read more on Report: GOP Tried to Hire Lady Gaga to Play Her Sex Music at RNC…
  parting is such sweet sorrow

RNC Offers Video Tributes To Ron Paul, Other Losers

Sorry you can’t be president Ron Paul! Also, sorry you didn’t win enough states (any states, the Virgin Islands is not a state) and thus couldn’t secure a speaking slot at the Republican National Convention! Also also, sorry they treated your delegates all mean and changed the delegate rules so you and people like you won’t get delegates ever again! But here, would you like a gauzy, high-production-values video tribute? Would that placate you and your angry, weirdo followers? Probably not, but we’ll show the video anyway after the jump, what harm could it do. Read more on RNC Offers Video Tributes To Ron Paul, Other Losers…
  you didn't build that ronald reagan did

Liveblogging Tampa Tuesday: Ann Romney, Governor Sandwiches, And Other Heroes

Some good news on this, the first real night of the Republican National Convention: The Baltimore Orioles are beating the Chicago White Sox 6-0 in the bottom of the 8th inning, (hopefully) allowing them to maintain the wild card lead for another night. There’s bad news too: It’s the first real night of the Republican National Convention. So far we’ve been tuning in and seen 175,032 different people saying, “DERR DERR, remember when Obama said he built all those small businesses, well, DEERRRRR, SPLAT, he didn’t, now I’m gonna do some copper wiring.” We Built That is the theme! Let’s liveblog these meatballs for an hour and a half or so while we bring the empty beer count to double digits… Read more on Liveblogging Tampa Tuesday: Ann Romney, Governor Sandwiches, And Other Heroes…
  run husband.exe

Mitt Romney Actually Going To Be A Good Husband This Time

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Mitt Romney’s wife, Egg, had a dancey horse that was so good at prancing and mincing, it was going to prance and mince in the Olympics even! And because Mitt Romney does not know how to be a human husband, he was all, “That is Egg’s thing, I will not be watching.” And all of America slapped themselves in their faces with a tire iron, because dude, you not watching your wife’s horse dance in the Olympics is not going to distance you from the fact that you have a horse dancing in the Olympics, so why not say something only mildly assholish, like, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, yeah, what a dumb fucking sport, and one which many blue-collar white humans, whose votes I must attain, find eminently lame and which they mock. I sure will be watching it and cheering on my loving helpmeet.” Well, now Egg Romney is talking to all of America, from Tampa, tonight! And Mitt Romney will even be in town for it, to lend his support, instead of slapping his wife in the face with a tire iron! (This is BIG NEWS in these parts you guys, that Mitt Romney is coming to Tampa early, so: you know. Excitement?!) Mitt Romney, vote for him, as he is a human-style man! Read more on Mitt Romney Actually Going To Be A Good Husband This Time…
  not at our best

Tampa Republican Convention Day One: Fox & Friends’ Brian Kilmeade Is Going To Be Our (Forced) Lover

TAMPA — Three glasses of a lovely New Zealand sauvignon blanc, one stone-cold $12 club sandwich, one missed opportunity for a picture with none other than walking date-rape wanted-poster Brian Kilmeade, who walking-wanted-postered in past us while we were out smoking, and our phone was plugged in back at the bar. There is nothing to report from Tampa. Not one fucking thing. Not a thing at all. Drunk-face emoticon! Read more on Tampa Republican Convention Day One: Fox & Friends’ Brian Kilmeade Is Going To Be Our (Forced) Lover…
  no really

25 Things To Watch For At The Republican National Convention

25. Paul Ryan will poop his pants while giving a speech, it will be hella embarrassing. 24. A Florida alligator will eat Marco Rubio and then go “we all saw this coming.” 23. Chris Christie will pour local seawater all over his tits. 22. An elephant will fly in from outer space and crash into the Tampa arena and have babies everywhere. 21. Editor Rebecca will save Rep. Virginia Foxx from the hurricane and then they’ll do a bunch of cocaine. Read more on 25 Things To Watch For At The Republican National Convention…
  can we talk about the national weather service?

Ol’ Rush Limbaugh Pretty Sure Obama Behind Tampa’s Republican Convention Hurricane

Yargle bargle floop, word word word. LIMBAUGH: So we got a hurricane coming. The National Hurricane Center, which is a government agency, is very hopeful that the hurricane gets near Tampa. The National Hurricane Center is Obama. It’s the National Weather Service, part of the commerce department. It’s Obama. Read more on Ol’ Rush Limbaugh Pretty Sure Obama Behind Tampa’s Republican Convention Hurricane…
  god damn america

Tampa Totally Going To Cancel Republican Convention Just Because Of Tiny Little Act Of God

Hi what’s this, that maybe-hurricane from yesterday is now probably an absolutely hurricane, which will hit Tampa Monday morning, and the city, which is run by total pussy Dems (see above), may cancel the Republican Convention! Stop laughing at the Republicans getting hit with two conventiocanes in a row, and start worrying about your Editrix, who is supposed to fly into Tampa at just exactly the same time Tropical Storm Isaac is expected to transform into a Category 1 hurricane and bomb the convention center to smithereens! Your Editrix is from California. SHE DOES NOT LIKE HURRICANES, she only likes fires and earthquakes! Oh, just treat it like a water earthquake, some brain surgeon who shall remain nameless assures us. That does not sound right! Read more on Tampa Totally Going To Cancel Republican Convention Just Because Of Tiny Little Act Of God…
  jefferson davis starship

GOP Convention’s ‘We Built It!’ Theme Night To Be Held In Arena That Government Built

In addition to summoning forth dread hurricanes to (probably) destroy any Florida seniors accidentally left standing in the wake of Paul Ryan’s spending cuts, this year’s GOP convention will bring to Tampa (and viewers whose remote controls are just out of reach) a terribly droll spin on President Obama’s recent musings re: whether or not you built that. (Stage-whispered hint: HE HAS HIS DOUBTS.) The just-announced theme for the Tuesday Night Republican Club: “We Built It!” Yup. That’s about what they’re going with, looks like. But did they? Build “It”? Read more on GOP Convention’s ‘We Built It!’ Theme Night To Be Held In Arena That Government Built…
  vengeance is mine sayeth the lord

God Due To ‘Stand His Ground’ Against Tampa’s Republican Convention, With Hurricane Maybe

Everybody panic! Some dude at Examiner.com looked at a bunch of funny gifs of a maybe-hurricane and decided it might hit Tampa (and your Editrix!) just in time for the RNC! Where will we shelter from the possible storm? Probably a titty bar. But far more important than whether or not we (by which we mean “I”) are murdered by the vengeful weather is what could have angered the deity to call down this Old Testament (it is even named Isaac, we think?) smiting: Read more on God Due To ‘Stand His Ground’ Against Tampa’s Republican Convention, With Hurricane Maybe…
  beach blanket bingo also too

We Might Let Some Republicans Into Our Tampa Wonkette Drinky Thing, But Only If They Are Shirtless

HELLO FLORIDA. You have been so patient, waiting for the deets on our Republican National Convention Wonkette Drinky Thing and Meetup in Tampa! Will there be beer, and fried things, and ladies in skimpy tops? Yes, yes, and it could happen! Will there be Republicans, and media ‘lites, and you, the brave and loyal Wonker? Most certainly, but only if the Republicans are hot. Read more on We Might Let Some Republicans Into Our Tampa Wonkette Drinky Thing, But Only If They Are Shirtless…
  hot travel prospects

Who’s Pumped To Spend A Week With Republicans, In Tampa, In The Summer?

There is nothing more titillating than the possibility of spending a week with wingnut delegates and Mitt Romney in plastic neon boretown Tampa, Florida, the city where oppressive humidity was invented, in August. It’s everything overweight fair-skinned reporters have always dreamed of! And the Tampa Bay Host Committee has released a teaser trailer to help you boner up for all the exciting events they’ve got planned for Republican National Convention week: explosions, explosions, and more explosions! Maybe a lil’ politics on the side too? Tampa’s the place to be, in August. Read more on Who’s Pumped To Spend A Week With Republicans, In Tampa, In The Summer?…
  pry it from our cold dead hands

Thanks to Hilarious Florida Gun Law, Tampa Cannot Restrict Firearms at GOP Convention

Ooops. Yet another casualty of ALEC’s constant hard-on for making sure you can sodomize yourself with your semi-automatic weapon is Tampa, Florida’s effort to ban guns from the site of the GOP convention in August. NO NOT ALLOWED. DON’T TREAD ON ME, & CETERA. Read more on Thanks to Hilarious Florida Gun Law, Tampa Cannot Restrict Firearms at GOP Convention…
  important clip art

Whoops, 2012 GOP Convention Logo Is Pretty Mosquey

The 2012 Republican National Convention is going to be held in Tampa Bay! That must be the first nominating convention to ever be held underwater. Will Trig be attacked by sharks? Probably. But more importantly, the logo of the host committee for the event features a minaret, the Muslin version of a Twin Tower. Minarets are part of Tampa’s architecture, you see, because the Old Tampa Bay Hotel, a notable part of the skyline, was built in the “Moorish Revival” style. In other words, the Muslins have built a GIANT MOSQUE to ruin our most patriotic of events, the Republican convention. Save us, Newt! Read more on Whoops, 2012 GOP Convention Logo Is Pretty Mosquey…
  football's on another channel

Liveblogging The End Of John ‘Walnuts’ McCain’s Address To Outer Space

All we see is some old man with a big green screen behind him. *Hopefully* this isn’t what the McCain people decided would be a good idea, which it wouldn’t, for the second time. Oh God now the screen just got “smoky” green like death! Now it’s blue! Code Pink! COUNTRY FIRST. Read more on Liveblogging The End Of John ‘Walnuts’ McCain’s Address To Outer Space…
  home in one more day

Special RNC Stage Could Not Be More Phallic

That’s former Senator Bill Frist you see speaking on tonight’s redesigned RNC stage, with a lovely projection of the African plains at dusk as his backdrop. You know what else is a projection? The massive black cock on which he’s standing. Read more on Special RNC Stage Could Not Be More Phallic…
  nice videos finish last

Look, It’s The Not-Terribly-Wretched Palin Bio That Didn’t Air Last Night!

Here’s the four-minute biographical video of Sarah Palin that was supposed to air before her speech last night — had Rudy Giuliani not gone on smearing his rat shit an extra 900 hours more than planned. They should’ve shown this anyway. It seems like something made by actual, civil adults, as opposed to the airless Giuliani-Palin speech twofer that dried the skulls of anyone capable of constructive thought. [TPM Election Central] Read more on Look, It’s The Not-Terribly-Wretched Palin Bio That Didn’t Air Last Night!…
  or how i learned to stop worrying and liveblog rudy

9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11, 9/12

9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11, the end. Read more on 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11, 9/12…
  camelot

Liveblogging Mitt ‘Mittens’ Romney’s 2012 Campaign Launch

Our best friend Mittens Romney must be so relieved that the old coot called him with a “no” for veep this year. Who’d want to be on the losingest loser ticket ever, in 2008? Sarah Palin would, sooo… yeah. Anyway, let’s see what Mitt Romney has to say and his Kumming & Going in his famously magical underpants, in Minnesota. We bet that he’ll LIE a few times, hmm? Read more on Liveblogging Mitt ‘Mittens’ Romney’s 2012 Campaign Launch…
  naptime

GOOD LUCK FINDING A SEAT, LIBERAL

Someone asked for photographic evidence of all the emptiness happening at this wiener of a convention, so here you are. The upper and club level seats in this side of the arena — each of which has a very clear view of the stage — are not even half-full. For some perspective: we took this photo around 8 p.m. local time. If we had shown up at 8 p.m. local time looking for a seat at the Democratic convention, there would have been no seats or oxygen remaining anywhere for three hours already. It would have been an insult to God to show up at 8 p.m.! Denver was so awful like that, the people and the what not. Read more on GOOD LUCK FINDING A SEAT, LIBERAL…
  dispatches from the fiery stomach of hell

We’re Probably Leaving This ‘Convention’ Early Tonight To Go Drink Turpentine

Did you see child embryo harvester loser Michele Bachmann speak, just now? She was looking pretty! Her speech was tragically boring, by Bachmann Standards, but she did say on CNN last night that Sarah Palin has more experience than “Barack Obama and Joe Biden combined.” Oh god now there is some young gal lip syncing on on the stage. Btw, look at those glass panels in front of the steps to the glossy stage. The steps are INACCESSIBLE and fraudulent, just like this whole thing, bah. AND STILL no one is here. Read more on We’re Probably Leaving This ‘Convention’ Early Tonight To Go Drink Turpentine…
  sitcom of a vice presidential candidate

HA, Levi Johnston’s Coming To St. Paul!

John McCain has no idea what kinds of hell he’s unleashed: “WASILLA, Alaska (AP) — Bristol Palin’s boyfriend plans to join the family of the Republican vice presidential candidate at the GOP convention. Levi Johnston’s mother said her 18-year-old son left Alaska on Tuesday morning to join the Palin family in St. Paul, Minn.” Levi Johnston must be loving this. He is, after all, the guy who wrote “Ya fuck with me I’ll kick [your] ass” on his MySpace page. He’s just gonna be cold fuckin’ bitches and pounding fuckin’ beers on the stage with John fuckin’ McCain, fuckin’ beatin’ up delegates and shit. [AP] Read more on HA, Levi Johnston’s Coming To St. Paul!…