Tag Archives: republican

  Oh NOW he gets it

Obamacare-Hating Republican Hates Republicans Now, Loves Obamacare

Not how it works after all
Remember how we told you all about Luis Lang, that idiot in South Carolina, who loves freedom even more than he hates his diabetes, so he did not purchase health insurance, take THAT, Obama? And now he needs surgery, and he can’t afford it, and Obamacare enrollment is closed, and his Republican-controlled state refused to take Obamacare dollars to expand Medicaid for people JUST LIKE HIM, and it’s all Obama’s fault? Of course you do, you liberal do-goody bleeding hearts, because you went and gave him all your money on his GoFundMe page, like a bunch of liberal do-goody bleeding hearts. Even though he had always been SO PROUD of paying his medical expenses all on his own, and his awful terrible rotten wife, Mary, whined that her husband should skip to the front of the free money line, now that he needs it, and really, the two of them should fuck ALL the way off, forever, because going broke and dying is the Republican healthcare plan, which is what they chose, for freedom. But no, you people went and gave him your money anyway. Read more on Obamacare-Hating Republican Hates Republicans Now, Loves Obamacare…
  Here's a helpful list

Idiot Tennessee Rep Knows All The Christians Are Being Holocausted, Just Can’t Say Where

For some reason, the voters of Tennessee’s 7th District keep sending Republican Marsha Blackburn back to the House of Representatives, dunno why, because Tennessee, we guess? Blackburn’s your standard-issue lady Republican: she knows that women don’t really care about equal pay; the cause of climate change, if it even exists, is debatable because a handful of shills for the fossil fuels industry say so; affordable health care that doesn’t suck is bad; abortion is bad; and hey, what if the Boston bombers had Obamaphones, HUH? She’s also proud to call herself “CongressMAN,” rather than “Congresswoman,” hooray for feminism. Read more on Idiot Tennessee Rep Knows All The Christians Are Being Holocausted, Just Can’t Say Where…
  another reason he'll never be president

Paul Ryan Knows Real Problem With Welfare Is How Rich Those Poor People Get Off It

Paul Ryan, high as fuck
Republican Rep. Paul Ryan is the wonky boy genius of the House of Representatives, according to his colleagues and the voice in his head, because he wrote a “budget” one time to privatize Medicare, slash welfare benefits, and tell the poors to feed themselves with their own damned bootstraps, like Jesus said. Read more on Paul Ryan Knows Real Problem With Welfare Is How Rich Those Poor People Get Off It…
  Bummer About The Congressional Seat Though

It’s Come To This: Republican Wins JFK ‘Courage’ Prize For Believing Science

So here’s how bad our political world has gotten: The 2015 recipient of the John F. Kennedy Profile in Courage Award is former South Carolina congressman Bob Inglis, who won the award for being an actual Republican who’s willing to say in public that climate change is real and caused by human activity. Apparently that is rare enough that it’s considered courageous. Read more on It’s Come To This: Republican Wins JFK ‘Courage’ Prize For Believing Science…
  strange but true but strange

Sarah Palin Is A Communist RINO Now

Wait, you're saying she was still on Fox? Huh.
Niche lifestyle brand Sarah Palin has endorsed a Democrat in Alaska’s race for governor. Really! Former Gov. Sarah Palin has endorsed gubernatorial candidate Bill Walker. […] “Last night my family, along with Byron and Toni Mallott, and our campaign staff attended a reception hosted by Todd and Sarah Palin at their lakeside property in Wasilla,” said Walker in a press release sent Wednesday. Bill Walker is not a Democrat; he’s a Palin pal who’s running as an independent. But Byron Mallott, Walker’s running mate since the two teamed up in a ballot reshuffle to screw over incumbent Republican Sean Parnell, totally nominally is a Democrat! Read more on Sarah Palin Is A Communist RINO Now…
  a boehner exploehner

GOP Malcontents’ Doomed, Clumsy Coup Against Boehner Will Totally Work This Time

He's in charge here
How’s John Boehner doing? Looks like pretty good — still breathing, still Speaker of the House, still getting incoherently slammed in public by members of his own caucus. The Hill reports they’re gonna do another coup! There are meetings! Like a dozen different, uncoordinated meetings: Read more on GOP Malcontents’ Doomed, Clumsy Coup Against Boehner Will Totally Work This Time…
  They're just really giving parents

Daddy, Dan Sullivan Wants An Alaska Senate Seat NOW!

How much do Sandra and Thomas Sullivan love their son Dan? They love him at least $550,000, according to financial disclosures by two super PACs that are helping Dan beat Democrat Mark Begich in the race for Alaska’s Senate seat. Read more on Daddy, Dan Sullivan Wants An Alaska Senate Seat NOW!…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Home-Cooked, Hand-Clubbed Fish Dinner

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
Touch of context for those who are new to this series: a Wonkette commenter named Fartknocker ponied up the cash for us to get a subscription to Sarah Palin’s Internet Teevee Channel. The aim of this series is to allow the Wonketariat to snicker at Palin’s new thingy without ever exposing yrselves to the harmful gamma radiation emitted by the Sarah Palin Channel. You are welcome. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Home-Cooked, Hand-Clubbed Fish Dinner…
  Cory Gardner for feminist of the year!

Look At This Total Colorado RINO, Giving Away Slut Pills Like Candy

Ladies and friends of ladies, you will be happy to know that Colorado’s radical feminist Rep. Cory Gardner, who is trying real hard to unseat Democratic Sen. Mark Udall, wants to give you all the slut pills for your sexxxytime — and for freedom! — unlike some people who are named (cough) Mark Udall. Read more on Look At This Total Colorado RINO, Giving Away Slut Pills Like Candy…
  is strong like bull

Shirtless Sweaty Man Will Be Arizona’s Governor For Sure

Frank Riggs, one of several candidates for governor in Arizona’s Republican primary, is trying something unusual for a Republican campaign ad: He’s not shooting anything. But he includes a gun show anyway, explaining, as he pumps iron, that he’s a strong candidate. Oh, we get it — “strong” can mean both in good physical condition, and politically resolute! That is quite clever and everyone should give this clever shirtless man money. Read more on Shirtless Sweaty Man Will Be Arizona’s Governor For Sure…
  they see me trollin'

Wisconsin Democrat Yells At GOP While Dressed As Confederate Soldier. As You Do.

We have to say that this cosplay display by Wisconsin state Rep. Brett Hulsey (D-Awesomesauce), a replacement for the stunt where he promised to hand out KKK hoods at the state Republican Party convention this weekend, is very, very, insensitive and unkind in its implication that GOP policies are motivated by racism. Look, just because a few of Scott Walker’s aides have been fired for sending racist emails, and the R’s have done everything they can to kill Medicaid expansion and stuff, doesn’t mean that it’s fair to suggest that Wisconsin Republicans are racist. Besides, neither was the Confederacy. Read more on Wisconsin Democrat Yells At GOP While Dressed As Confederate Soldier. As You Do….
  ladies against women

Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn Denies White House Bid, Maybe, Probably, Who Even Knows?

Is it 2016 yet? Have we inaugurated Hillary Clinton already? CNN BREAKING NEWS: No, it is only 2014. Yet rumors persist about who is and is not running for President to replace Our Dreamy Guiding Star of Socialist Hippie Liberalism Barack HU-SANE Obama. It looks like we may have another contender, and she is a vagina-American, per The Leaf Chronicle: A report over the weekend that Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn might launch a 2016 Republican presidential bid spurred a non-denial denial from her campaign staff. Non-denial denial! Does it get any denialier? And ladies, she is running on the platform, quoted by Huffington Post, “It is Republicans that have led the fight for women’s equality.” Move over Michele Bachmann, and step aside Sarah Palin: the GOP has a new woman to steal headlines and be batshit crazy. Let’s non-denialsplore.  Read more on Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn Denies White House Bid, Maybe, Probably, Who Even Knows?…
  the man can do no wrong

Pharrell Reveals Beautiful, Bizarre Political Views In GQ Interview

Pharrell Williams makes songs that shake booties, including the booty of excellent Congressman John Lewis. That’s great, but it doesn’t speak to Pharrell’s own political beliefs. Only Pharrell himself can do that, and blessed are we because he has recently spoken of them in some detail in GQ. He begins innocently enough: Read more on Pharrell Reveals Beautiful, Bizarre Political Views In GQ Interview…
  does getting a blowjob count as job creation?

Harry Reid Wants To Save Nevada Prostitutes From 2016 Republican National Convention

Even though our Kenyan Dictator B. Barry Bamz was re-crowned only last year, it is already time to start thinking about the next Presidential election, which also means it is still time to stab ourselves in the eye with a spork everytime Chris Cillizza soils the pages of the Washington Post with the latest meaningless poll about 2016 hopefuls. But before the GOP can keep minorities from voting in 2016, there have to be official nominating conventions where actors talk to empty chairs or something. Cities fight hard to get picked for the conventions because prestige money. And one city vying for the Republican convention is Las Vegas, Nevada. But our old pal Stormin’ Mormon Harry Reid is throwing some cold water on those prospects, per the Reno Gazette-Journal: “I have been supportive of them on that,” Reid said about the push to bring the GOP convention to Las Vegas, “But that (prostitution) would be an issue.” There are unconfirmed reports that Sen. David Vitter (R-John) is going to personally investigate these prostitutes to see if they will be a distraction.  Read more on Harry Reid Wants To Save Nevada Prostitutes From 2016 Republican National Convention…
  The State Of Our Union Is Drink

Wonkette Live Drunkblog State Of The Union 2014 Liveblog SOTU Search Optimized Drunk Headline

What time is the 2014 State of the Union SOTU Fox News? It is at 8:55 Eastern ET Time. What time is the Wonkette Livebloog time-stamped word salad refresh your browser to update liveblog? IT IS ABOUT AN HOUR AGO. Welcome to part two of your nonsense! Nonsensers! 10:09 p.m.: And we’re back! That was a scary couple of minutes. It’s a finely calibrated operation to move from one blog to another, nothelped by the fact that we’re drunk. 10:11 p.m.: There’s old WALNUTS! making a Peyton Manning Face. Super Bowl’s not until Sunday, Walnuts. 10:12 p.m.: Yeah, Olympics! U-S-A! U-S-A! Bring home the gold in that jumping snowmobile motorcross whatever thingie! 10:15 p.m.: So far the only times we’ve seen Boehner stand up is for the veterans, because everyone loves The Troops. Now if he could just get his caucus of rabid ferrets to actually budget some funds to help them. 10:17 p.m.: Bamz totally bringing down the room with this horrible, horrible story. Now it’s getting inspiring. Boehner looks like he’s straining to drop a deuce. Now everyone is standing to applaud this guy. Pardon us, someone seems to be chopping onions in the Wonkette Command Center. 10:18 p.m.: Still with the onions. Or maybe the dog has gas. 10:20 p.m.: Editrix informs us that the dog does not have gas and her poops are perfumed like the finest shops in Paris. Okay then. Read more on Wonkette Live Drunkblog State Of The Union 2014 Liveblog SOTU Search Optimized Drunk Headline…
  the fundamentals of the economy are strong

GOP Shutdown Saves Economy From Too Much Prosperity

Well, we are in week 2 of what seems to be a shutdown about… something … who really knows at this point? Now that Obamacare is glitchily bumbling along, what, exactly, is the GOP demanding for releasing the hostage? Who cares, at least the government is saving tons of money and the economy is still humming along, right Bloomberg? The shutdown cost $1.6 billion last week in lost economic output, according to IHS Inc., a Lexington, Massachusetts-based global market-research firm. As the showdown enters its eighth day, the office closures are now draining an average of $160 million each workday… HOLY GOAT TESTICLES, BATMAN. That’s a lot of damage to the U.S.American economy. But since it was the GOP’s choice to shut down the gubmint, surely the only ones losing money are fat-cat limousine libruls, right? Let’s see.  Read more on GOP Shutdown Saves Economy From Too Much Prosperity…