Tag Archives: reporters

  the mayor of simpleton

Anthony Weiner. Dude, What Is Up?

Dear Anthony Weiner, Sorry to be rappin’ at ya in the form of an open letter, as those are kind of whatever, lame, but considering what could happen if you actually had our contact information, we will just keep this in a nice public place. We say that because you are gross. Now. Anthony. Baby. Bubbeh. Are you okay? Do you need a cold compress for your forehead? Would you like to sit down? We ask because WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN GOING ON WITH YOU ARE YOU RUNNING FOR MAYOR OF CRAZYTOWN???!!! Why are you being super rude to very nice, earnest reporters? Why are you calling people Grandpa — like, in a mean way — at AARP forums? Why — with 10 percent in the polls, which is basically in the margin of error of ZERO PERCENT IN THE POLLS — ARE YOU STILL IN THIS FUCKING RACE? Read more on Anthony Weiner. Dude, What Is Up?…
  hard times

Terrified DNC Reporters Trapped Inside Filthy Butthole Murder Motels, Nation Laughs

There is a crisis, in Charlotte, that outweighs all other crises in America — including “the gaffes” — right now: the DNC assigned reporters to a bunch of shitty motels and they’re unhappy. And how does the Democratic platform address this? What about the Republican platform? Not a mention, proving once and for all that this is the most unserious presidential race we’ve ever witnessed. Now your Wonkette, which is first and foremost a Rich Person’s Blog, made accommodations at a palatial, 17th century French-style estate with a stable of 400 dancing horses. Maybe if these others reporters ever got off the welfare and got jobs for once in their pathetic lives, they could live the Wonkette 1% life, too. For now, let’s read tragic descriptions from the National Review of the squalor that we, as a nation, have allowed our proud national political reporter class to all die in. Read more on Terrified DNC Reporters Trapped Inside Filthy Butthole Murder Motels, Nation Laughs…
  veepstakes

Who Is Chris Christie Yelling At Today?

More like who ISN’T Chris Christie yelling at! It is why America loves him. For reminding us all of an abusive stepdad! Also who doesn’t want to just yell at everybody, all the time? Especially any reporter who would be so stupid, such a moronic idiot, as to actually ask a question that was not on an approved topic! The New Jersey governor is not having it! He simply is not! Read more on Who Is Chris Christie Yelling At Today?…
  900 billion drudge sirens

House Urinal Explodes: All House Reporters Soaked In Piss, Hopefully

Where were you on 6/4/12? This is the day that America got its groove back, after the world’s worst people — reporters — in the world’s worst institution — the House of Representatives — saw a urinal explode and soak them in pee and chewing tobacco pouches and mostly 100% water, more likely, but also perhaps that morning turd that some schlub keeps poppin’ in the urinal. They say you learn a lot about yourself after losing your first fight. Well, you learn a lot more after having that first urinal explode and hurl acid all over you. America’s back, baby. Exploding Urinal/Santelli ’16? Read more on House Urinal Explodes: All House Reporters Soaked In Piss, Hopefully…
  game chang....zzzzzz

Campaign Reporters Officially Out Of Questions, Time For Everyone To Come Home

NEW: Romney just said that Augusta National should admit women as members, our @peterhambycnn reports. #GenderWars #tcot #tlot — Lisa Desjardins (@LisaDCNN) April 5, 2012 Romney says “of course” women should be admitted to Augusta National, per @GarrettNBCNews. — Mike O’Brien (@mpoindc) April 5, 2012 Romney just told reporters on the ropeline that women should be admitted to Augusta National — Peter Hamby (@PeterHambyCNN) April 5, 2012 Women at Augusta? Romney says “yes” – full report here:abcn.ws/HjiLGp — Emily Friedman (@EmilyABC) April 5, 2012 Well, here’s the big breaking news today: Mitt Romney answered the easiest question in history about the dumb issue of whether plutocratic female CEOs should be allowed to apply for membership at a golf course in Georgia. Read more on Campaign Reporters Officially Out Of Questions, Time For Everyone To Come Home…
  lolocaust

Rush Limbaugh Laughs and Laughs At Hippie Journalists Detained In Egypt

Screaming radio lunatics agree: Egypt is the go-to place for “epic lolz” right now, what with all the protesters being shot dead in the streets and secret police vans plowing through crowds of unarmed civilians! And what about all those foreign journalists being rounded up? This is also very hilarious, is it not? America’s favorite right-wing queef “Rush Limbaugh” has the funny details: “Two New York Times reporters were detained. Now, this is supposed to make us feel what, exactly? How we supposed to feel? Are we supposed to feel outrage over it? I don’t feel any outrage over it … Do we feel happy? Well — uh — do we feel kind of going like, ‘neh-neh-neh-neh’?” And then Rush Limbaugh salivated all over his quadruple-chin. But woah there, his tone changed dramatically for some reason, right after he found out that Fox News reporters were also roughed up! “MY BABIES!” he screamed, as he shoveled Oxycontin into his slimy gullet, to help relieve the unbearable pain of his hypocrisy. Read more on Rush Limbaugh Laughs and Laughs At Hippie Journalists Detained In Egypt…
  carl looks sexy when he's angry

Racist Monster Carl Paladino Almost Punches New York Reporter in the Face

Carl Paladino is not getting along with the newspapermen and women who comprise America’s distinguished Press Corps. Why is this? Did these humorless reporters not enjoy the pictures of Barack Obama eating fried chicken-flavored watermelon, the ones Paladino forwarded to them, Subject: “LOL! I’m RACIST”? Apparently not, and to make matters worse, Paladino almost beat up a reporter just the other day, because he is tired of all these leeches following him around and asking him questions (he’ll answer your questions after he’s governor). And like all important World Events, this scuffle has been preserved for posterity on a crappy cellphone video camera. Read more on Racist Monster Carl Paladino Almost Punches New York Reporter in the Face…
  things we knew

Washington Press Corps Just One Big Book-Publishing Scam

There are, in 2010, only two types of political books that get published. Actually there are more, but let’s just say there are two. The first is for elected or appointed officials or staffers, whose financial incentive is to not fix or help the country in any way while on the job, quit after a few years, and immediately sign a memoir deal about how your unpopular, failed boss never listened to your brilliant advice that could have saved everything. The second is to get a fake but fancy-sounding job like “White House Correspondent” and use it to write fluffy or superficial odes to the Administration, in exchange for hot backroom gossip that can be leveraged into a book deal. The latter happens to be what every senior political reporter or White House correspondent is doing right now. Read more on Washington Press Corps Just One Big Book-Publishing Scam…
  bomb washington dc

Left-Wing Liberal Blogs To Destroy Sanctity Of White House Pool Reports

The most challenging investigative task a prominent Washington journalist could ever face in his or her career is to cover the White House Pool Report beat, where our greatest reporters take turns following the President during off-hours — just in case anything like a sex affair or juicy “gaffe” happens — and then share the vital journalism information with each other for common use. (This is a form of Communism.) The rotation has traditionally been composed of reporters from the Washington bureaus of the top 30-ish newspapers and magazines, and the average fare usually features three or four muckraking sentences about how a deputy press secretary made a funny joke about another reporter who every reporter knows to have a wacky reputation for the exact thing the deputy press secretary made a joke about… oh you wouldn’t get it, ha ha ha. But this is all over now, due to the recent addition of two left-wing bloggers into the rotation. Read more on Left-Wing Liberal Blogs To Destroy Sanctity Of White House Pool Reports…
  media whores

More Terrible Email Requests From Media Seeking An Audience With Mark Sanford

South Carolina’s embarrassing Argentine love-tango scandal may have made its governor look bad, but two parties have emerged from this sad nightmare smelling like little roses: Jenny Sanford, and The State newspaper. Yesterday the paper released a pack of hilariously sycophantic requests from various media outlets to Governor Sanford’s office suggesting that — !!! — sometimes reporters and media types imply that their subjects will get favorable coverage if they’ll just respond to a goddamn interview request. Read more on More Terrible Email Requests From Media Seeking An Audience With Mark Sanford…
  marriage nuts

Insane Press Lady Dragged From Air Force One Press Area

Oh god this is too good: “The AP’s Christina Hoag reports that Brenda Lee, a reporter for the Georgia Informer, was dragged kicking and screaming from the press area near Air Force One at Los Angeles International airport (LAX) Thursday morning… KTLA reports that Lee is a self-proclaimed ‘Roman Catholic priestess.’ Lee claims she was attempting to deliver President Obama a letter urging him ‘to take a stand for traditional marriage.'” Ha ha ha WHAA?? There’s no such thing as a Roman Catholic priestess! Only Roman Catholic queens. Jesus. Just look at this insane clown having to be physically carried, by humans. Score another win for traditional marriage! Soon heterosexuals will all be DEAD. [HuffPo] Read more on Insane Press Lady Dragged From Air Force One Press Area…
  veritable donnybrooks

Reporter Lady In Kerfuffle With Blagojevich, At Disneyworld

Wacky whore & fraud Rod Blagojevich, who was indicted on 16 counts of epic corruption in Chicago yesterday, is currently on vacation at the Florida amusement park Walt Disney World. Oh, and he is with his family. Some local teevee reporter lady got wind of this yesterday and went to his hotel pool area to harass him, ha. In the end we are introduced to a new and very comical figure, this very touchy fat slob who may or may not be Blagojevich’s bodyguard. [YouTube] Read more on Reporter Lady In Kerfuffle With Blagojevich, At Disneyworld…
  america's greatest senators

Jim Bunning… Does New Funny Jim Bunning Things

Mark your calendars for the year 2010 everyone, because there’s going to be at least one 2006-George-Allen-level comedic midterm race. Baseball pitcher Sen. Jim Bunning is running for reelection in Kentucky and will lose, loudly. Bunning resurfaced in the media recently for telling a pancreatic cancer-stricken Ruth Bader Ginsburg that she should go die alone, soon. Now Bunning has run into some local Kentucky trouble by snapping at some reporter who asked about his internal poll results, which wouldn’t be a problem in and of itself (MSM lies anyway etc etc) except that he used the word “goddamn,” which to Kentuckians is more appalling than raping 40 young children and a grandma. Read more on Jim Bunning… Does New Funny Jim Bunning Things…
  phunny pranks

HERE’S A FUN PRESS CORPS GAME CALLED “STEAL POLITICO’S SEAT!” We rather like the anecdotes in this FiveThirtyEight post about how oppressed bloggers are always trying to steal Politico‘s seat at White House press briefings, only to be caught minutes later by confused Politico reporters. This could be a fun daily game! So we ask that reporters take turns stealing Politico‘s seat — one day Sam Stein does it, the next day David Corn, etc. — and e-mail us the name of Politico reporter who awkwardly kicked you out, and what it was like. [FiveThirtyEight] Read more on …
  death merchants

Politico Writers Are Rich! TAX THEM!

The New Republic‘s Gabriel Sherman has a lovely new story out about the dystopian hell chamber that is the Politico newsroom. The snarling, leprous leadership of Jim VandeHei and John Harris (a.k.a. “VandeHarris,” or simply, “AnusHair”) greets its intrepid blog reporters each morning at 5:30 a.m. with a hot shower of molten lava, followed by a threat to feed them to the rabid, one-eyed Beast of Ancient Times (held in an office storage pod in Manassas) if they do not get a Drudge link by 11 a.m. “SMITH, BEN SSSMITHHHH,” the death demon VandeHarris roars, spittle flying from its mouth, before slithering back to its dungeon for a breakfast of live rats, copper shavings, and ostrich blood. “YOU MUST WIN THE MORNING… A GUEST SLOT ON HARDBALL COMPELS YOU…” Read more on Politico Writers Are Rich! TAX THEM!…
  they're still not over it

Ex-McCain Reporters Hold Drunk Karaoke Party With Ex-McCain Staff

The whole point of covering a John McCain presidential campaign for a major news outlet is to make (potentially sexy) friendships with McCain and his senior staff, so as to, uh, “know your subject better,” as some have described it. And now they never get to see each other anymore! And Obama is an asshole to the reporters! So this is why the former McCain reporters and aides got together over the weekend for drinks, and karaoke, and perhaps some whining about access. Read more on Ex-McCain Reporters Hold Drunk Karaoke Party With Ex-McCain Staff…