Tag Archives: religion

  she's a baaler

Washington Times: Hillary Clinton Worships Baal Or Zuul Or The Mighty Favog, Probably

This is encouraging! For all of us who wondered how we’ll ever get along come 2017, when a new president means we’ll be starved of “Obama is a muslin” stories, Washington Times columnist Robert Knight is auditioning a new possibility: Maybe Hillary Clinton worships Baal, a generic name for any one of several local deities that the Old Testament had no use for. (Thanks, Wikipedia!) You know, because ‘bortion. Or birth control that people are sure is ‘bortion even if it isn’t. Read more on Washington Times: Hillary Clinton Worships Baal Or Zuul Or The Mighty Favog, Probably…
  please do not slice my god onto your burger

NY Company Sued For Making Employees Follow Crappy New Age ‘Onionhead’ Woo-Woo Religion

Looks like Big Government is trying to impose secularism on yet another business whose owners simply ask that they be allowed to practice their faith, and also to make sure their employees do, too. This may sound a lot like the companies that object to paying for slut pills, except this time you don’t have a bunch of fundagelicals complaining about godless government tyranny, because the religion in question is a bunch of New-Agey Cosmic Muffin cowflop. Read more on NY Company Sued For Making Employees Follow Crappy New Age ‘Onionhead’ Woo-Woo Religion…
  separation of derp and state

Alabama Chief Justice Has Special Constitution Where First Amendment Is Only For Christians

You guys all remember Judge Roy Moore, the Alabama Hero who was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court after refusing to comply with a U.S. Supreme Court order to remove a two-ton Ten Commandments monument that he’d installed at the court. That was back in 2003, don’t you feel old? And then he got reelected to the Alabama Supremes in 2012 — as Chief Justice, no less, because Roy Moore is the freakin’ Joe Arpaio of Alabama jurisprudence: the bigger an asshole he is, the more they love him, because he hates all the right people. (Last year, there were high hopes he’d declare Barack Obama UnPresident, but that failed to happen somehow.) Well, Chief Justice Roy Moore has gotten himself a little more attention this week, after a recent* speech to a “Pastors For Life” luncheon sponsored by Pro-Life Mississippi, where the top jurist for an entire state told the assembled faithful that the First Amendment only applies to Christians, since, as any fool knows, “Buddha didn’t create us, Mohammed didn’t create us, it’s the God of the Holy Scriptures” who breathed life into Adam and Eve, about 6000 years ago at that. (And no, don’t you go saying that all the Abrahamic religions worship the same God, because what are you, a terrorist?) Read more on Alabama Chief Justice Has Special Constitution Where First Amendment Is Only For Christians…
  reverse cowgirl for jesus

Pastor Challenging Lindsey Graham Is A Dumb Piece Of Crap And Here’s Why

Ladies, it’s all your fault. Hopefully you realize this by now, because all the evidence is clear, and there is literally nothing that cannot be blamed on you. Like how you will divorce your husband just because he is having penile-vaginal relations with another woman, when it’s obviously your fault he was cheating in the first place! Det Bowers, a pastor challenging Lindsey Graham in the South Carolina GOP Senate primary, once blamed women for causing most divorces — even when husbands are unfaithful to their wives. You’ll never guess the reason. (Hint: It is blatant woman-hating sexism shrouded in a thin veneer of self-righteous religious bullshit.) Read more on Pastor Challenging Lindsey Graham Is A Dumb Piece Of Crap And Here’s Why…
  let's not stay together

Pat Robertson: Jesus Wants You To Divorce Your Wife If She Won’t Put Out

Pat Robertson has had quite the week. After sounding the alarm about the apocalyptic asteroid event that could happen next week, or ever, Robertson advised a 700 Club caller that his wife probably withheld sex because of childhood sexual abuse, and that obviously, the caller should just divorce her. Given that surveys have shown that 43% of women recount experiencing sexual dysfunction and 32 percent of mothers report going years without sex, we now expect to see a lot of 700 Club-inspired divorces as husbands ditch their frigid wives. This makes Pat Robertson worse for marriage than Dan Savage, who just thinks you should cheat. Read more on Pat Robertson: Jesus Wants You To Divorce Your Wife If She Won’t Put Out…
  and the grifters shall inherit the earth

This Fake TV ‘Church’ Owns All The Money In The World, For Jesus

We all know the rich are being attacked by TAXES. But for every problem there is a solution. Just put your faith in Jesus, and He will shield your money from the IRS, just like Linus told Charlie Brown was the true meaning of Christmas. Hell, you don’t even need to establish a brick-and-mortar church, per NPR: Based in a studio complex between Dallas and Fort Worth, Texas, and broadcasting to a potential audience of 2 billion people around the globe, Daystar calls itself the fastest growing Christian television network in the world. The Internal Revenue Service considers Daystar something else: a church. Yeah, buddy! Daystar has $233 MILLION in assets, rakes in $35 million from viewers every year, don’t have a church building, and they are totally UNTOUCHABLE. Fuck this blog shit – we are gonna launch Wonkette Worldwide Church TV, coming to your hungover eyeballs soon. Read more on This Fake TV ‘Church’ Owns All The Money In The World, For Jesus…
  it gets better

Michele Bachmann Bravely Stands Up For Oppressed Straight People Everywhere

Michele Bachmann leads a rough life. Despite being a Congresswoman, former presidential front-runner, and a national spokesperson for Crazy Eye Syndrome, she has a problem. As a straight person, she is tired of being bullied by the gays all the time. Bachmann recently went on the Lars Larson show to discuss CPAC, and discussed being the victim of bullying, via Right Wing Watch: “And the thing that I think is getting a little tiresome is the gay community have so bullied the American people and they have so intimidated politicians that politicians fear them and they think they get to dictate the agenda everywhere. Well, not with the Constitution you don’t.” When will America come to terms with the decades of oppression faced by straight people at the manicured hands of the gays? And here’s the crazy(er) part: that’s not the craziest thing she said in the interview!  Read more on Michele Bachmann Bravely Stands Up For Oppressed Straight People Everywhere…
  losing my religion

Arizona Sees Unlikely Opposition To Anti-Gay Bill: Republicans?!?

You remember all the Bible stories about Jesus hating on the lepers and ostracizing the prostitutes and generally being mean to people not like Him? He was constantly a Divine Dick to all manners of people considered ‘sinners,’ because that’s what religion is all about. The Arizona state legislature has taken those religious lessons to heart and crafted a wonderful bill (SB 1062) that would allow restaurants & businesses to refuse service to gays and anyone else they don’t want to because of their “religious beliefs.” The bill awaits the signature of Gov. Jan Brewer, and no one knows if she will sign or veto. However, it looks like some Republicans are willing to slap religious liberty in the face with their Senator-sized balls: Oh god, our god, why hath they forsaken religion? Let’s wonksplore.  Read more on Arizona Sees Unlikely Opposition To Anti-Gay Bill: Republicans?!?…
  the courage to say the expected

Mayor Of Flower Mound, Texas, Saves Bible From Complete Obscurity With Bold Declaration

Mayor Tom Hayden of Flower Mound, Texas, made an official announcement Wednesday, issuing a proclamation that 2014 would be the Year Of The Bible, so that the city will be all Bible-y. It is a pretty bold move for a suburban mayor in a Texas town with a ton of churches, but maybe, by golly, it’s time for him to stand up and take the risk of saying something that would likely be completely satisfactory to his conservative, affluent constituents, no matter how much praise he might get for his courage in endorsing the religious views of the overwhelming majority. It’s good to see a mayor willing to do the easy thing, isn’t it? Read more on Mayor Of Flower Mound, Texas, Saves Bible From Complete Obscurity With Bold Declaration…
  not a ally

Bush White House Legal Genius Sought To Exile All Gays To Detroit, Because Ewww, Anuses

Hey, remember back in the day when hipster icon George W. Bush wanted to have a Constitutional Amendment prohibiting gay marriage? Apparently, ‘trickle-down bigotry’ works way better than ‘trickle-down economics,’ because White House lawyer Scott Bloch wanted to be like the Pied Piper, except rather than ridding the city of rats, he wanted to rid it of teh ghey, via Business Insider: A federal investigation has revealed that a lawyer who headed the Office of Special Counsel (OSP) in the George W. Bush administration allegedly disliked gay workers so much that he tried to “ship” them to a new office in Detroit. Lawyering is a tough business, and you never know when you’ll be nekkid and slip and fall butt-first on a gay penis and then become gay, so Scott was just being overly cautious. Read more on Bush White House Legal Genius Sought To Exile All Gays To Detroit, Because Ewww, Anuses…
  his theory which is his and is by him

Bryan Fischer Has Magic Constitution That Says First Amendment Is Only For Christians

You may have read about the performance-art “Satanists” who have offered to build a monument on the grounds of the Oklahoma Statehouse; under the law’s clause claiming that the state doesn’t favor “any particular religion or denomination,” it looks like the law pretty much says the state would have to allow it, right? Not so fast, says the American Patriarchy Association’s Bryan Fischer — don’t you know that when the Constitution talks about “religion,” it only means real religion, which is Christianity, duh. “When the Founding Fathers use the word “religion” in the first amendment, they were referring to Christianity… they were trying to establish public policy for the federal government with regard to Christianity.” He knows this for sure, because he has a “real good feel” for what they meant, based on the various drafts of the first amendment. After all, “establishment” of a church only refers to Christian churches. Not once did the Founders even consider freedom for Jews, Hindoos, or Mahometans. So you just take your dirty non-Christian churches and GTFO. Read more on Bryan Fischer Has Magic Constitution That Says First Amendment Is Only For Christians…
  bulk-rate persecution on aisle six

Costco Persecuting All The Christians Again, Labels Book About Talking Snake Handing Out Fruit As ‘Fiction’

Uh-oh, you guys. It looks like Costco has made White American Jesus shed some tears from his shiny, manly blue eyes. In an obvious move to persecute Christians, Costco set up a lion pit and began throwing Christians into it. Not really, because that would actually be persecution. Rather, Costco accidentally labeled some Bibles as fiction. But not all Costcos — just one store in California. Clearly, there are only two options to rectify this: repeal Obamacare or INPEACH Costco. Probably both, to be on the safe side. Logic, bitches.  Read more on Costco Persecuting All The Christians Again, Labels Book About Talking Snake Handing Out Fruit As ‘Fiction’…
  the time of purification is at hand

Deleted Comments of the Day: Didn’t You Guys Notice Martin Bashir Is An Ay-Rab?

Gosh, seems like it’s been forever since we’ve done one of these! Thanks, Rebecca, for keeping up with the genius auditions while we were on “vacation” last week. And let’s see what’s squirming around on the underside of the comment queue today… First up, our story on Martin Bashir’s culinary suggestion for Sarah Palin drew this brilliance from “RichieM232″: Martin Bashir is a disgrace. Misogynistic scumbag. Should be kicked out of MSNBC. Considering his cultural background he probably still believes in stoning women. But it has no place in TV news in a civilized soceity. And if anyone knows what a “civilized soceity” [sic] is, it’s a guy who assumes that anyone named “Bashir” has to be a lady-stonin’ Mahomettan savage, amirite? Tell us something of “his cultural background,” will you, O Source Of Much Knowledge? “Bashir was born in Wandsworth, South London, to parents of Pakistani Christian origin … He identifies himself as a committed Christian” Well, hell, your hidden Muslims all claim they’re Christians. Just like the Gettysburg-denier preznit. On the other hand, we do think it’s worth mentioning that “Martin Bashir” anagrams to “harms Britain.” Read more on Deleted Comments of the Day: Didn’t You Guys Notice Martin Bashir Is An Ay-Rab?…
  will the oppression of southern Christians never cease?

Hero Tennessee Parent Discovers ‘World Culture’ Elective Includes Islam, Hijinks Ensue

A blow for freedom has been struck! Students in Hendersonville, Tennessee, have been saved from the grip of sharia law, and it’s all thanks to alert parents who complained when they found out that an elective World Cultures honors course would be taking a field trip to a Hindu temple and a mosque. Outrage! Horror! The class studies five world religions, but the field trip only visited two houses of worship, one of which is actively trying to take over U.S. America! Concerned step-parent Mike Conner said, “If we as parents don’t begin speaking up, no one will.” How true this is. Thankfully, the wingnuttosphere has raised such a fuss about the threat of honors students learning something about Islam in a unit on world religions that the school has done the only responsible thing, and cancelled the field trip. Talk about a close call! Read more on Hero Tennessee Parent Discovers ‘World Culture’ Elective Includes Islam, Hijinks Ensue…
  today in sexytime god and tyranny

Appeals Court Says Catholic-Owned Business Still Has To Pay For Slut Pill Insurance

A federal appeals court upheld the Affordable Care Act’s requirement that insurance plans cover contraception, even when employers are personally offended by the idea that their slutty employees might be having sex in ways that the employers’ imaginary friends don’t approve of. A Catholic family that owns a controlling interest in two private companies had claimed that the contraception coverage would “force them to choose between violating the teachings of their church and suffering significant financial harm.” And here’s a fun little twist: it looks like the concept of “corporate personhood” played a role in the decision to deny the challenge to the ACA, because while corporations are people, they don’t go to church, my friend. Read more on Appeals Court Says Catholic-Owned Business Still Has To Pay For Slut Pill Insurance…
  bring them your tired poor huddled masses

Nice Time: Liz Warren And Ed Markey Being Total Hippies Again

Oh. My. God. Libruls are TEH WORST! Damn hippies always seeking to create policy that benefits ‘the poors,’ when we all know that John Calvin, Wordy Shipmates, Shining City on a Hill, America, fuck yeah. Who are the heretics today who seek to desecrate the foundational principles of Jesus’s Capitalist Emporium for Jesus? None other than Senators Elizabeth Warren (D-Heart Flutters) and Ed Markey (D-New Guy). Per Daily Kos: Since Congress isn’t going to pass sane policy like an increased minimum wage and sick leave anytime soon, it’s up to the blue states and cities to do it. Next up, we hope: Massachusetts, where a coalition has formed to get these measures on the 2014 ballot. The lead petitioners’ names will be familiar: Sen. Elizabeth Warren for the minimum wage, and Sen. Ed Markey for earned sick time. While this might make New Pope happy, it will certainly anger the True Flock, who know that wealth is a sign that God loves you, which is why Jesus had a net worth of old sandals, some pieces of lumber, and some gently used nails.  Read more on Nice Time: Liz Warren And Ed Markey Being Total Hippies Again…
  the rupert murdoch literary supplement

Nice Time: Fox News Accidentally Sends That Muslim’s Jesus Book To Number One

Yesterday, we were among the nine million blogs that couldn’t believe that insanely hostile interview on Fox in which Fox’s Lauren Green kept badgering author Reza Aslan to explain his audacious act of being both a Muslim and a person who wrote a book about Jebus. Well, here’s some nice news: now that the video has gone viral, sales of the book, Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth, have gone through the roof. The New York Times reports that Aslan’s publisher, Random House, says that sales have increased 35% in the two days following the video hitting the webospheres. We will just go out on a limb and guess that very few of those purchases came from Fox News viewers; the literate ones seem mostly to have been spamming the book’s reviews on Amazon. Read more on Nice Time: Fox News Accidentally Sends That Muslim’s Jesus Book To Number One…
  how'd the crescent moon get there huh?

Fox News Wants To Know Who Let Some Muslim Write A Jesus Book

Here is Fox News host Lauren Green doing what Fox News does best, channeling Fox News viewers’ mouth-breathing xenophobia into television programming. The lucky recipient is religious scholar Reza Aslan, author of Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth, which attempts to sort out some facts about a socialist sandal-wearing hippie Palestinian troublemaker who was executed by the Romans. It’s the kind of historical scholarship that gets done all the time in academe, but that can freak out the faithful. But the interview doesn’t even get to the content of the book; it’s all about the fact that Reza Aslan is a Muslim who (gasp!) wrote a book about Jesus. Is that even allowed? We’d bet that Lauren Green is not actually as heroically stupid as she appears to be here, asking again and again (ThinkProgress counted nine times in the full 10-minute interview) just why on earth a Muslim person would go and write a book about “the founder of Christianity.” We’ll give Aslan credit for not simply saying, “Don’t be silly. I wrote a book about Jesus, not about Saul of Tarsus.” Read more on Fox News Wants To Know Who Let Some Muslim Write A Jesus Book…
  wee duh people

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Are 3/5 Accurate

You might think that our Christianist textbooks would have the decency to mention this true historical event where Jesus handed the Constitution to America’s children while Washington, Lincoln, Adams and Hamilton sang show tunes, but this basic fact is strangely absent from the two textbooks we’ve been reviewing. They don’t even argue that the Constitution is directly inspired by the Bible, though possibly their having been written in the 1990s explains their exclusion of that bit of lunacy, which is mostly a recent product of the highly imaginative David Barton. Even so, there’s plenty of Godstuff to go around! Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Are 3/5 Accurate…
  they will know we are christians by our hate

Tony Perkins Calls Anti-Discrimination Laws ‘Religious Persecution’ Because He Is A Terrible Person

Tony Perkins, head honcho at the Family Research Council, is a terrible human being. In fact, he may not be human. We are guessing he was projectile vomited from the rubbish-filled gut of a hate-filled demon and sent to earth to punish us for the amusement of the Greek gods, or something. What asinine hate-filled lies is he spewing now? After DOMA was repealed by SCOTUS, Perkins went on teevee to torture the eardrums of innocent Americans everywhere, saying: “We’re already seeing bakers and florists and photographers forced to participate in same-sex marriages under the threat of law and in some cases even jail.” Is that so, Mr. Perkins? Politifact decided to fact check you, because you are a known liar and bigot and awful demon-vomit life form. What did they find? We didn’t find cases where people were forced to participate against their will. However, if vendors refuse service, there are consequences. There are 21 states that forbid discrimination based on sexual orientation. Vendors who refuse service there could face legal actions and fines. The “jail” part of Perkins’ claim is an exaggeration. We couldn’t find any evidence that a vendor had been sent to jail or that any legal authority had threatened jail time. What is this country coming to when we think that discrimination is against the law? Can’t we go back to the good old days when businesses can refuse service to Irish Italians Catholics Jews Blacks Gays without Big Government trampling all over their freedom? This deserves a wonksplanation.  Read more on Tony Perkins Calls Anti-Discrimination Laws ‘Religious Persecution’ Because He Is A Terrible Person…
  prostrate problems

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Go Down On the Freedom Trail

As astute Wonkers know, today is the day of that Family Research Council’s wacky funtimes prayerfest that is supposed to renew America. And by a happy coincidence, today’s installment of our series on American History books for Christian Homeschoolers will be looking at the 18th century wave of religious fervor known as “The First Great Awakening,” that mass outbreak of evangelism in Colonial America that both textbooks paint as a necessary precursor to the Revolutionary War. There’s no denying that the zealotry inspired by the charismatic preachers of the Great Awakening led to great social and political change; and since it was Protestant evangelical zealotry, it was just and holy. Of course, that sort of religio-political zealotry in another religion might be called “jihad,” and must be crushed. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Go Down On the Freedom Trail…
  bewitched bibled and bewildered

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Homeschooled Witch-Finders

Welcome, time tourists! Ready for some Colonial American fun? This week, we continue our autopsy of two American History texts for homeschoolers and Christian schools: a high school text from Bob Jones University Press, United States History for Christian Schools, and an 8th-grade text from A Beka Book, America: Land I Love. As we’ve noted throughout this series, these books don’t necessarily “lie” about history so much as they promote a highly selective version of it, which is of course a necessary corrective to the liberal bias of public education, just like Fox News is fair and balanced. This week, we’ll learn how colonial Americans rejected communism and promoted religious freedom by driving out heretics. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Homeschooled Witch-Finders…