Tag Archives: regulations

  Boss Fight

Elizabeth Warren Pretty Sure She Knows A Thing Or Two About How Banks Work, Thank You

Please drop your condescension toward the Senator from Massachusetts. You have 20 seconds to comply.
There’s this guy, Jamie Dimon, who’s the CEO of JPMorgan Chase. He thinks it’s sad that banks aren’t allowed to break the law. And Wednesday, he said a real Stupid Thing. He said, to a whole greedful room of bankers, that he wasn’t sure whether Elizabeth Warren really gets banking: “I don’t know if she fully understands the global banking system,” he said, before generously offering to explain it all to her, most likely in itty bitty words that even a Harvard Law professor could understand. Read more on Elizabeth Warren Pretty Sure She Knows A Thing Or Two About How Banks Work, Thank You…
  Who Will Be His Secretary of Patchouli?

Sure, Rand Paul Is Now A Tree Hugger, Why Not?

Oh, wow...his vibe is groovy for like 5 minutes, and then he's, like, a massive bummer
In yet another attempt to convince people who aren’t paying attention that he’s a totally different kind of Republican, Rand Paul has come out as a self-proclaimed “tree hugger” who thinks composting is groovy and that clean air and water are good things. These and other exciting revelations are in Paul’s exciting new book-shaped object that you couldn’t pay us enough to read, Taking a Stand: Moving Beyond Partisan Politics to Unite America, in bookstores today and coming soon to a remainders shelf near you. Read more on Sure, Rand Paul Is Now A Tree Hugger, Why Not?…
  The First Amendment Will Be In its Bunk

British Nanny State In Spot Of Bother At Freak Mustachio-Ride Skinflick Demises

Didn't they send all the Puritans over here?
British porn fans are about to see some changes in the material available for their wanking pleasure — or at least in the domestically produced stuff. Last year, the Conservative government banned rape porn — not in-real-life rape, which is of course evil and already illegal, but the pretend fantasy kind, involving well-paid consenting actors, which some people are into, we have been told. Now, under the guise of making porn safer for those involved in the business, the government arbitrarily banned a whole slew of sex acts (and this is where we probably should remind you that this article will name some of them, but not include any illustrations, so depending on where you W, what follows may be NSF that place). Read more on British Nanny State In Spot Of Bother At Freak Mustachio-Ride Skinflick Demises…
  why do it if it doesn't restrict abortions?

Rick Perry Just Can’t Get Enough Prison Rape

Texas Gov. Rick Perry has advised the Department of Justice that Texas just can’t afford to comply with burdensome federal laws aimed at preventing prison rape, so the state just isn’t gonna, OK? Also, he’s going to tell other governors to ignore the law, too, because States’ Rights. He wrote to Attorney General Eric Holder last week to advise that Texas is just not going to implement parts of the Prison Rape Elimination Act (PREA), which was rammed down the nation’s throat in 2003 by George W. Bush, but is probably Obama’s fault anyway. “Washington has taken an opportunity to help address a problem in our prisons and jails, but instead created a counterproductive and unnecessarily cumbersome regulatory mess for the states,” Perry wrote in the letter. “Absent standards that acknowledge the operational realities of our prisons and jails, I will not sign your form (certifying compliance with the act) and I will encourage my fellow governors to follow suit.” You see, it’s not that Perry is in favor of prison rape, just that he doesn’t think Texas should have to comply with a bunch of Washington bureaucrats’ rules when Texas already has its own anti-rape policies and procedures that work just fine, maybe. Read more on Rick Perry Just Can’t Get Enough Prison Rape…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Stocking Stuffer Of Stoopid

Happy Solstice, you ugly vile little snark mob! Welcome to yet another Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we steam-clean our browser tabs, clearing out a bunch of stories that weren’t worth a full post on their own, but too stoopid to ignore altogether. Then we serve up the resulting sludge up for you to choke down as best you can (Protip: Add liquor). Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Stocking Stuffer Of Stoopid…
  banksters

Bernie Sanders Will Pogrom Capitalism By Not Letting Banks Regulate Themselves

Hey remember when you lost your job and all your assets, or maybe took on tens of thousands dollars in school loans so you could pay for an education that would help you get a part-time job in retail? Remember that? That was fun, right? As you claw your way out of the hole created for you by this crisis, console yourself with the fact that the architects thereof sit on the boards of regulatory institutions charged with deciding if banks, say, get taxpayer dollars. There, don’t you feel better now? Read more on Bernie Sanders Will Pogrom Capitalism By Not Letting Banks Regulate Themselves…
  oh my

Michigan Lawmakers Want To Let You Own Lions And Tigers, Just As The Founding Fathers Intended

Let’s say you live in Michigan and want to buy a man-eating wild animal. Thanks to burdensome regulations, it’s very difficult to buy a tiger or a bear unless you are a major civic institution zoo. That’s the government for ya, always hassling the small businessman. Thankfully, brave patriots in the Michigan legislature plan to remedy the situation with what we we’ll just pretend is called the Freedom To Own Tigers And Lions Act of 2012. Freedom To Own Tigers And Lions is all about creating more and better jobs, as Governor Rick Snyder might say. Read more on Michigan Lawmakers Want To Let You Own Lions And Tigers, Just As The Founding Fathers Intended…
  you got your coal regulations in my slavery!

Nice Black Lady On Fox And Friends Makes Responsible Slavery Comparison

There seems to be one and only one qualification for becoming a Prominent Black Conservative these days: accusing other black people of either being willing slaves, or accusing some Democrat of enslaving them. It is perhaps the easiest job in America, and has seen a drastic uptick in employment opportunities since Barack Obama became President. There, America, is your stimulus. Read more on Nice Black Lady On Fox And Friends Makes Responsible Slavery Comparison…
  workers paradise

Wingnuts Furious: Nanny Obama Coddles Goatherders With Cots And Lanterns, If You Can Even Believe It

President Barack Obama is a nanny stater who loves nothing more than to Oppress you with his nannying, and Human Events has got the PROOF: there are now regulations that say that if you employ a foreigner to be a goatherder, you must provide him (OR HER! Just kidding, not her) with a clean, comfortable cot and a lantern, almost as if we are in the USA and not in 14th century Scotland or present-day Moldavia. What fresh hell is this? Read more on Wingnuts Furious: Nanny Obama Coddles Goatherders With Cots And Lanterns, If You Can Even Believe It…
  the poors did it

Jamie Dimon, Welfare Queen

When we last checked in with Jamie Dimon, he was getting a tongue bath from Jim DeMint (R-Jamie Dimon’s Butt) because Jamie Dimon is a Very Big Man in charge of a Very Big Bank that makes Very Big Profits for Very Big People. As Jim DeMint (R-Jamie Dimon’s Butt) noted, not everyone can do what Jamie Dimon does: who among you, for example, could lose $2 billion dollars in one day and not even really miss it? And who among you could preside over a global economic crisis and escape with your job and pay intact? Hmm? And what if you were trying to do all of this on a shoestring, like Jamie Dimon, who only gets $14 billion per year in subsidies from taxpayers? Read more on Jamie Dimon, Welfare Queen…
  when i became a man i put away childish things

Toymakers Fight For Right To Poison America’s Adults

There’s pretty much only one thing America’s broken system of governance can do anymore, and that is Protect The Children. This is why all children by law must be strapped into car safety seats and wear helmets at all times, but the minute they turn 18 they will be kicked out into a hellscape of economic despair and left with no choice but to sign up for one of America’s many deadly wars. Thus, America’s toymakers, who are laboring under a recent law that forced them to stop selling poisonous Chinese-made garbage to children, are trying to work around this onerous regulatory regime by claiming (correctly) that our nation’s grown-ups are immature idiots who play with toys all the time too, and who cares if they die? Read more on Toymakers Fight For Right To Poison America’s Adults…
  great moments in congressional testimony

Michele Bachmann GRILLS Ben Bernanke About ACORN

Harried Money Emperor Ben Bernanke testified in Congress again today about upcoming financial regulation measures and apparently pleased the Socialists by saying that increased transparency won’t do the trick — you have to straight-up ban certain financial instruments, starting with, say, the ones where lenders throw trillions of dollars of credit at random hobos without so much as even asking their names. Rep. Michele Bachmann was awarded some valuable questioning time during this taxpayer-funded government meeting, and got right to the heart of the matter: what are you going to do about ACORN, and is there going to be a New Global Currency that we’ll have to use by like tomorrow? Barney Frank and Ben Bernanke take these questions very seriously. [HuffPo, YouTube] Read more on Michele Bachmann GRILLS Ben Bernanke About ACORN…
  our flourishing economy

Obama’s Latest Socialism: ‘Regulating’ ‘Derivatives’ ‘To Prevent’ ‘Global Collapse’

Sure, Barack Obama changed his mind about releasing the very scary photos of widespread medieval U.S. war crimes everywhere, but Robert Gibbs cut off that leftist hippie firestorm right quick when he stole a reporter’s telephone and everyone got distracted and forgot about war and stuff. What’s the other terrible thing happening in the world now? Oh yes, money, and how we lost all of it after a few companies had to put up collateral on all those credit default swaps they made in secret, but then they didn’t have any reserves whatsoever, because saving is gay. Well the Treasury is finally releasing a plan to introduce basic, very basic regulations to the derivatives market. Why does the government hate capitalism? Read more on Obama’s Latest Socialism: ‘Regulating’ ‘Derivatives’ ‘To Prevent’ ‘Global Collapse’…
 

John McCain Funded By The Freaking ROTHSCHILDS

For somebody who’s always accusing his opponents of being “out of touch” with the Working Man, John McCain sure does hang out with a lot of fat-cat plutocrats who don’t even have the decency to be American. On a recent visit to the tony U.K. — a nation populated entirely by decadent, incestuous polo players with “smart” accents and harelips — McCain attended a fundraising luncheon hosted by Lord Rothschild and Nathaniel Rothschild. The problem is, American candidates aren’t allowed to take campaign contributions from such fancy foreign nationals as the Rothschilds! But does “hosting” an event constitute a “contribution”? Read more on John McCain Funded By The Freaking ROTHSCHILDS…
 

Republican National Convention Fixing To Be 4 AM Rager

If hard-living state legislators have their way, bars in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area may stay open until 4 a.m. during the Republican National Convention in early September. One aggrieved tipster writes to Wonkette: “Sure, us regular alcoholics have to stop at 1:00AM and the Republicans get to drink till 4:00AM. What next, hooker discount coupons?” [KARE11.com] Read more on Republican National Convention Fixing To Be 4 AM Rager…
 

Passengers On Grounded Planes Not Entitled To Air, Other Luxuries

Oh look at you, you people sitting in that plane on the runway. You think you’re so special and important. Ooh, you want a leather chandelier and a pet tiger along with your fancy “fresh air” and your decadent “glass of water” and your “place to pee that is not in your pants”? Just keep working on your sudoku, you fat idiots, and be glad you don’t have to share your plane with ten dozen crates of chickens and a leper, they way they do in SOME COUNTRIES. [AP] Read more on Passengers On Grounded Planes Not Entitled To Air, Other Luxuries…