Sorry but this might be a “LOCALS ONLY” post and the rest of you are just going to have to deal with that, okay? Okay. PSST, HUMANS IN WASHINGTON: our local professional sports team, the Redskins, who play in Maryland, is the worst organization on Earth! MORE »

• Christian Kids in Virgina are trying to convince libraries to balance their “pro-gay” collections with books about how Jesus writes passive-aggressive Twitters or whatever every time a gay person smiles. [Washington Post]
• Major Fenty fired one of his neighborhood services coordinators for refusing to buy him Chamomile tea. It helps him sleep at night, dammit!  [City Desk]
• Here’s how your friends in Adams Morgan got wasted during last night’s debate. (Spoiler alert: It was Jello shots, mostly.) [Fishbowl DC]
• A Metro operator did this racist thing in which he talked about people wearing towels on their heads, but only because of how much he loved the Redskins. And what’s more American than that? [DC Examiner]
• Some Slovakian triathletes took pictures of some Virginian children going to school — because they love school buses! [WTOP]

Wonkette videographer Liz Glover is rapidly becoming the most famous person in Washington, D.C., and if you need proof, here she is partying with our city’s racist football team, the Redskins. She scored an invite to the 28th birthday party for Santana Moss, a very talented footballer! She meets a number of other All Stars there too — including Moss’ brother, “Sinorice” — and asks them about all the tragic hazing they play on the rookies, many of whom will be scarred permanently and later settle for dead-end jobs as Hill staffers. [Examiner]

* “Dan Snyder goes on his annual power-trip trying to convince the rest of the NFL and his Redskins’ poor, unfortunate fanbase that he’s not merely a competent owner, but a brilliant one.” [DCist]
* “After months of only visiting my MySpace profile in order to delete spam friend requests from half-nude women, I’ve reached the end of the line.” [WUSA9]
* “A hard drive containing the Social Security numbers of nearly 40,000 Georgetown students, alumni, faculty and staff was reported stolen from the office of Student Affairs on Jan. 3.” [The Hoya]
* “At this point it’s not even about the money anymore, but she FUCKED with the wrong cab driver.” [Dairy of a Mad DC Cabbie]
* “The Washington Academy shutdown will mark the first midschool-year closure of a D.C. charter site.” [The Examiner]

Redskins offensive lineman Kili Lofuto won’t make today’s game in Green Bay. Turns out he spent the first part of Friday night getting tanked, roughing up some poor bastard and redecorating a restaurant we never heard of. The second half of the night he spent in jail. MORE »

Tom Cruise-enabling Redskins’ owner Dan Snyder announced he was buying the burger chain Johnny Rockets last month, but massive rats at the Georgetown location have apparently revolted against the purchase. MORE »

No half-assed Christmas puns today, just straight Wonk’d, with Steny Hoyer showing off his pimping skills, Ed Rendell proving he’s a sports fan, Fred Barnes shopping like he could afford not to, and Robert Duvall, who you see here as the same tragic hero you remember. All this, plus the most metrosexual Redskins player, on a team full of them.

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• Pictures from Rock and Roll Hotel Grand Opening featuring Andy Rourke, your drunk asses. Free Sparks changes everything. [Brightest Young Things]
• New local blog documents what you find when you drive a trash truck part time. Art, obviously. [DC Art News]
• Contrary to popular opinion, Justin is not “bringing sex back.” [WonL]
• “A Red Sox fan and a Redskins fan. What the fuck am I thinking?!” [A Feel Good Production]
• Guantanamo lawyer drinking liberally Thursday. [DCDL]

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• DC: a less shitty place to live than other places that are more shitty. [Lawsomnia]
• Redskins’ marketing department great at coming up with ways to, “distract our moronic fans from realizing how we constantly bend them over and fuck them in the ass.” [Why I Hate DC]
• List obsessed Forbes magazine ranks DC 9th in best cities for singles. [Metroblogging DC]
• The ranking would have been higher if not for the fat flasher of 16th street. [Shiftless Badger]
• City Paper EIC Erik Wemple is less of a journalist, more of a crusader against hypocrisy in city government and, ah, doggy day spas. [Circumlocutor]
• The alt-weekly can, however, still be trusted to not miss a single instance of the loony-toon crazy ramblings of Brother Marion.
  [City Paper]

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* Maybe the souvenir stand just isn’t interested in selling the merchandise of NFL teams with blatantly racist names. That, or the reports of Dan Snyder’s non-licensed jersey death squad are more accurate than we thought. [Freakonomics] MORE »