Wonkette

If you own a house, it’s now worth negative nothing. If you’re a renter, your landlord is probably already in foreclosure and you will soon be homeless. Got some investments, maybe a 401k or whatever? You really don’t even want to look. Got one of those fancy jobs with benefits and health care and such? You will soon be unemployed, living in a Hobo Jungle down by the railroad tracks in the darkness on the edge of town. Happy Monday, everybody! But how can you blame this on McCain and his boyfriend George W. Bush? MORE »

Something from yesterday about your favorite Barack “Tax & Hope” Obama: “WASHINGTON (AP) — Democrat Barack Obama says he would delay rescinding President Bush’s tax cuts on wealthy Americans if he becomes the next president and the economy is in a recession, suggesting such an increase would further hurt the economy.” There, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, “Investor Class”? MORE »

NATION OF RETARDS IS BETTER: John McCain’s advisers are more brilliant than you or me or me or you; we know this. That is why — in an election where massive economic despair is easily the biggest issue on unemployed, homeless, bankrupt voters’ minds — McCain economic adviser Phil Gramm said we are in a “mental recession,” not a real one, and we are also a “nation of whiners.” Savvy. Politics at its best. [WP/The Trail]

We seem to be having some economic problems. Los Angeles billionaire Eli Broad (the “B” in KB Homes) tells Bloomberg that “this is worse than any recession we’ve had since World War II.” Bloomberg editors noted, on Friday, that U.S. stock declines hadn’t been so lousy since June of 1930, during that Great Depression. Ah, hell …. MORE »

Barack Obama is on an economics campaign tour this week, traveling to various sad places to let people know there’s still hope, but not really. Today, for example, Obama visits Flint, Michigan — the ruined auto-factory town that primarily serves as a backdrop for sad economic speeches, ever since Michael Moore destroyed the once-prosperous city to make a point. But not all the Economy News is gloomy! Read our fun list and find out why! MORE »

• BUT ENERGY STOCKS ARE DOING OK! Remember how all the government economists said the second half of ‘08 would be better? They lied. [Newsweek]

How will we survive the lean economy if there’s no more bacon? [Time] MORE »

That 0.6% bit of economic growth in the first quarter of 2008 was just the pathetic result of $3.50-a-gallon gasoline, but there is one sector of the U.S. economy that’s truly booming: Desperate Americans are selling off their last possessions on Craigslist and other online flea-market sites, just so they can buy a little food and gas. MORE »

The big news today shows that we are not — as every politician says — in a recession after all! A “recession,” of course, is defined by two consecutive quarters of negative GDP growth. And in Q1 2008, the American economy grew by 0.6%, just as it did in Q4 2007. Take that you Liberals; you and your wretched Doomsday scenarios! Sure, the actual Great New Depression may only be starting right now and lasting another 50 years. But for right now, George Bush ‘n’ Tax Cuts have saved the economy again! [AP/Breitbart]

Dorkus W. Dildo had a press conference today, in his garden. He is very rich and has an entire hospital to attend to him and bombs anything that makes him confused and no matter what crime he does, he never gets sent to prison, so he is exactly like ordinary poor Americans like you. Bush Junior has heard about how maybe the “economic” is a problem, so he told those losers who still have to act like he’s important — you know, the White House correspondents — that he “figured out” what was wrong and guess what, it’s Congress, which has Democrats. MORE »

Here are some cheery housing numbers, as the bankrupt truckers impotently beep their horns at Congress and the food is rationed and “consumer expectations” hit lows not seen since the early 1970s: More than 6 million homes will go into foreclosure before this housing collapse is finished, and the number of houses now sitting empty in America has reached a staggering 18.6 million — including 2.3 million currently on the market. MORE »

FORGET YOUR TROUBLES: New proof of the New Depression: People are going to any old dumb movie again, just to briefly forget the terrible reality of foreclosures, debt, inflation and hobos. [Political Machine]

Do you understand how the economy works? Ha ha, of course you don’t. Nobody does! Our “robust economic system” is a dense network of horrifying gambles, pyramid schemes, and pure scams that were mostly made up on the fly for short-term gain so that somebody could cash out and move to some island safe from the eventual looting. Nevertheless, our noble political cartoonists have done their best to help you understand the anarchy that is destroying your retirement fund (such as it was): by portraying it as a series of adorable animals! See the poverty zoo, after the jump. MORE »

Marketwatch wants you to cheer up. Well, not all of you, just the ones with investments and money who are freaking out because poor people are rioting over scarce food supplies, millions of foreclosed homes are sitting empty and unsold, and local governments are no longer able to afford police and firefighters to protect rich people from the hordes. What to do? Laugh, that’s what! MORE »