Tag Archives: recession

  The Human Torch Was Denied A Bank Loan

Former Fed Chair Ben Bernanke Denied Refinanced Mortgage Like Common Poor

You're getting your poverty on us, Ben
The next time you see Ben Bernanke and he’s all like, “Bro, could you spot me five bucks, bro?” do NOT spot him five bucks, bro, because Bernanke ain’t good for it. That’s not our opinion, it’s the opinion of an as-yet-unnamed financial institution, at least if you take Bernanke’s word for it. Read more on Former Fed Chair Ben Bernanke Denied Refinanced Mortgage Like Common Poor…
  Banks Win! Banks Win!

Wall Street Is Your New Landlord, Please Pay Your Rent Or The Economy Will Crash Again, Thanks!

How’s that vein in your forehead? Poppin’ fresh? No? You’re happy?! Well that won’t do at all! Here, read this story about how Wall Street firms are furiously buying up cheap homes, renting them out, refusing to treat infestations of vermin, threatening legal action against renters for things that aren’t their fault, and (of course) bundling monthly rent payments to sell as can’t-miss securities. It’s fine, though, they’re just leveraging the disastrous glut of foreclosures and the ensuing drop in home prices — you know, the key elements of the global recession that they caused in the first place — to make a quick buck, just like you would do if you were an utterly remorseless sociopathic malignancy with near-total immunity from the legal, moral, and economic consequences of your actions, so quit being such a sore loser, loser. Read more on Wall Street Is Your New Landlord, Please Pay Your Rent Or The Economy Will Crash Again, Thanks!…
  oh for crist's sake

Florida Gov. Rick Scott Discovers True Cause Of 2008 Recession: Previous Florida Gov. Charlie Crist

America’s Time-Travel and Causality Crisis grew worse last week as Florida Gov. Rick Scott (R-Azkaban) blamed the 2008 recession on his predecessor and likely opponent in 2014, former Gov. Charlie Crist, who served from 2007 to 2011: “We never should have had that downturn,” Scott told the Sayfie Review Florida Leaders Summit in Orlando, suggesting that Florida’s economic troubles in the midst of the global recession that spiraled out of control in 2008 after the fall of the nation’s largest investment banks was the fault of his predecessor, former Gov. Charlie Crist. It was not immediately clear whether Scott believed that Crist actually caused the banking crisis and collapse in mortgage-based securities that led to the recession, or if he held Crist responsible for failing to use powerful magic to prevent Florida from being affected by the worldwide economic decline. Read more on Florida Gov. Rick Scott Discovers True Cause Of 2008 Recession: Previous Florida Gov. Charlie Crist…
  let them eat bootstraps

With Nothing Else to Worry About, Congress Cuts Food Stamp Budget

Hey, remember when the economy went to hell and one in ten workers were out of a job  and millions of Americans lost their homes? That was awful, but LUCKILY rich people have completely recovered from the Great Recession (and then some!), so Congress is now finally able to tackle the very pressing matter of cutting the food stamp budget against the wishes of the American people. This is Econ 101: in the event of a prolonged economic downturn, 1. fire as many government workers as possible, and then 2. make sure Poors cannot get enough to eat so they will be forced to start a bootstrap business and become makers instead of takers. We’ve already accomplished number 1, so now it’s time to get cracking on the poors: Monday night, the Senate passed a five-year farm bill that contained $4.1 billion in cuts to the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) over ten years. This ensures that the only debate now will be about how much to cut—and it’s likely to result in cuts much deeper than $4.1 billion. Read more on With Nothing Else to Worry About, Congress Cuts Food Stamp Budget…
  mamma mia!

Around The World With Lloyd Dangle: Tea Party Lessons For The Whores Of Rome

(Rome) I just finished a perfectly-prepared sardine antipasti, caprese salad, and a plate of grilled calamari. The wine was a Pinot Grigio from the area. Nice. It’s hot as hell here, but a breeze is blowing off Palatine Hill, where Romulus and Remus suckled the she-wolf. When I close my eyes I can almost hear the ancient Romans in the Coliseum cheering as a Christian is eaten by lions. But the only thing being devoured around here these days is the country of Italy itself, in an economic free fall, its middle class chewed up like prosciutto on a dry panini and its hope for the future spoiling like tiramisu in the sun. I’ve been talking to people all over, gondoliers, bartenders, street barkers, nuns. I don’t speak Italian but I find if I talk loud and use a fake Italian accent they understand me perfectly. I keep telling these poor uneducated bastards what we in America have learned from the Tea Party. A country, I explain, is just like a family sitting around the dinner table figuring out its household budget. If the family is spending more than it’s taking in then it’s time for some good, old-fashioned belt-tightening. I tell them, stop being such whiners and get behind the ECB-IMF-Merkel-Tea Party solution of austerity, structural adjustment, and “internal devaluation.” My words are often received with a rousing cheer of, “bafangool!” which means “thank you for the wisdom!” Read more on Around The World With Lloyd Dangle: Tea Party Lessons For The Whores Of Rome…
  banksters

Who Will Rescue the Banks From these Anti-American Assaults on Their Freedom?

Remember a long, long time ago, WAY back, when the economy was ruined, possibly forever, along with life as we know it? Remember how this was all caused by a handful of banks but then this somehow got turned around and blamed on bunch of Poors? And then, remember how we gave them a bunch of money (the banks, not poor people) with absolutely no strings attached and just asked them nicely if they would pretty please not do anything bad again? And then, remember how the government implemented a couple tepid rules that the banks might get to rewrite, because they don’t like them? Think hard now, do you remember all of that? Because the banks remember, but it’s cool because they TOTALLY HAVE IT UNDER CONTROL, you guys. No need to step in, these are the best and brightest, they know exactly what they’re doing, and they most definitely aren’t going to put up with these “anti-American” efforts to make sure that they have enough liquidity to cover their obligations to investors. Where do you think this is — France? Read more on Who Will Rescue the Banks From these Anti-American Assaults on Their Freedom?…
  'i'm not a witch'

Noted Economist Rick Santorum: Witch Obama Caused Housing Crash

Smegma-lipped poutmonster Rick Santorum, continuing his streak of saying only and at all times sensible and logically sound things, reminded Americans today that it was President B. HUSSEIN Obama who retroactively caused the housing crash because of how he is a Gaia-worshipping lesbian Wiccan dildonic priestess who hates America, and low gas prices, and Jesus. Obama is also a time traveler, because he went back to 2008 before he was even elected and caused the financial collapse. Witches can do this! Read more on Noted Economist Rick Santorum: Witch Obama Caused Housing Crash…
  system has encountered fatal error

Romney Likes Firing People

After Mitt Romney’s on-the-defensive appearance in Sunday morning’s MSNBC/Facebook debate, the frontrunner showed up at the Nashua Chamber of Commerce in Nashua, NH Monday to give an address in which he admitted that he “likes being able to fire people who provide services to me.” The context was health care: Romney evidently thought that the word “fire” would be an appropriate term for what Americans could do if they weren’t happy about their health care provider. But ummmm, can you go away now, The Man? Read more on Romney Likes Firing People…
  polling shocker

Americans Still Mysteriously Blame Bush for Terrible Economy

Well, here is what the librul pundits call a “bright spot” of news for Barack Obama, because despite the fact that almost 9 in 10 Americans can correctly identify the economy as a putrid rat carcass infected with colonies of soul-eating viruses, they can by a wide majority also still (MIRACULOUSLY, WE ARE IMPRESSED) correctly remember that the economic meltdown was one of the final George W. Bush poop sandwiches Patriot-missiled into the American people’s throats. Too bad Dubya isn’t around to never, ever be elected again, ever, or Obama might win this thing! Read more on Americans Still Mysteriously Blame Bush for Terrible Economy…
  hope for sale

Broke Americans Selling Personal Letters From Obama To Pay Bills

Here is your official notice that Hope and Change have perished from the earth, forever. A struggling young pregnant Indiana mother of three was fired from her job because of pregnancy complications because that is how the market stays “efficient,” so she is selling off a personal letter that Obama wrote her last November in order to avoid being evicted. This sounds like a better recession recovery plan than the current one! Obama can send everyone a handwritten letter promising them that their backbreaking poverty is just an illusion that will go away, which everyone can then sell and continue on with their poverty but without foregoing their cancer treatments. Read more on Broke Americans Selling Personal Letters From Obama To Pay Bills…
  turkey time in washington

Avoid a Very Anal Thanksgiving By Staying In DC

Let’s weigh your options for this Thanksgiving holiday: There’s either subjecting yourself to the TSA’s new fingering policy or NOT GOING ANYWHERE. If America’s Top Molesting Force is insisting that it’s necessary to see everybody naked, and forbidding the transport of cranberry sauce unless it’s out of reach of anal probing, then this is the time when you should be thanking Obama for taking all your monies so you couldn’t afford that ticket home. Do you need a better reason to enjoy your socialist day of giving thanks and to eat whatever meager portions you can afford from right where you are? Read more on Avoid a Very Anal Thanksgiving By Staying In DC…
  our flourishing economy

HAPPY FRIDAY! “A far more disturbing number (in Table A-1 of today’s BLS release) shows that ‘persons not in the labor force’ increased by about 840,000 between November and December, from 83,022,000 to 83,865,000. That’s seasonally-adjusted; unadjusted, the number is closer to a million… What happened to the million Americans who went missing from the BLS definition of the labor force in the single month of December? They are the ‘long-term discouraged’ or whatever, those whose prospects of finding a job are so poor that they have stopped looking.” [Asia Times via Clusterstock] Read more on …
  ethics of convenience

Fox News Bosses Suddenly Want To Fire Everyone For Constant Idiot Errors & Lies

How does Fox News trim the work force during a terrible recession without mentioning layoffs at all? Just put out an “internal memo” announcing a sudden & comical “zero tolerance” for the constant fuckups and intentional lies that make Fox News so funny. (The memo went out Friday, so it didn’t mention today’s hilarious idiocy.) Expect about 45% of the Fox News staff to be jobless by New Year’s. [TPM] Read more on Fox News Bosses Suddenly Want To Fire Everyone For Constant Idiot Errors & Lies…
  cartoon violence

Your Friday Cartoon Explanatorium

By the Comics CurmudgeonI will not lie to you: Sometimes political cartoons can be confusing! Especially for you, the unwashed masses, who never got any proper art education in school because your elected officials decided that Americans needed to know more about “science” and “math” and a bunch of poindextery stuff like that. Fortunately, your Wonkette provides to you, free of charge, explanations of some of the more obscure cartoons, straight from the typing fingers of the world’s only professional cartoon explainer. Join us after the jump, and prepare to be AMAZED AND ENLIGHTENED! Read more on Your Friday Cartoon Explanatorium…
  dinguses

The Washington Football Team And Its Lawyers Are So Mean!

Sorry but this might be a “LOCALS ONLY” post and the rest of you are just going to have to deal with that, okay? Okay. PSST, HUMANS IN WASHINGTON: our local professional sports team, the Redskins, who play in Maryland, is the worst organization on Earth! Read more on The Washington Football Team And Its Lawyers Are So Mean!…
  innovative budget solutions

Rhode Island To Take Unpaid Vacation For A While

Poor Rhode Island is a wee state with a huge unemployment problem, horrible taxes, and an abysmally high cost of living. Fortunately, it’s also got a governor with a can-do attitude who sees one very obvious way to dig the state out of its current budget mess: just get state workers to take two and a half weeks off, unpaid, over the next year or so. Read more on Rhode Island To Take Unpaid Vacation For A While…
  our flourishing economy

IT’S LIKE A RECOVERY, BUT WITH NO EQUITY, SAVINGS, CONSUMER SPENDING, JOBS, RETIREMENT ACCOUNTS, INNOVATION, STRONG CURRENCY, AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE, BASIC SHELTER, OR LONG-TERM PROSPECTS FOR A COMPETITIVE MODERN ECONOMY: “The housing market continues to threaten signs of an economic recovery, with new data released on Thursday showing an all-time high of Americans falling behind on loan payments and the rate of home foreclosures unlikely to peak until late in 2010.” But the stock markets are up! Everyone in America owns bundles of good stocks, right? Right?? [The Hill] Read more on …
  our nation's most oppressed minority

Rich People Missing Out On Housing Rebound

Sad news! While sales of peasant dwellings have begun to creep upward due to the first-time home buyer tax credit, low mortgage rates, expanded FHA loans, and of course FIRE SALE PRICING on foreclosed homes, homes costing more than $750,000 have been difficult to move in this market. Wealthy home owners (or “the middle class,” as they’re known in pricey markets like New York, DC, and the Bay Area) are finding it difficult to sell their million-dollar shacks. However, at least some of them are able to rent out their sad dwellings for, oh, $7500 a month, so don’t feel too bad about this problem yet. Read more on Rich People Missing Out On Housing Rebound…
  bloody caesars for all!

HOORAY, WE’RE RICH AGAIN! RECESSION OVER … In Canada

Feeling a little fancy today? You should be! If you’re Canadian, we mean …. Because the Bank of Canada has announced the Horrible Recession is over, done, finished, kaput, était finie. But only in Canada, and only for Canadians. Dang. [Canada.com/Globe and Mail] Read more on HOORAY, WE’RE RICH AGAIN! RECESSION OVER … In Canada…
  retailers need a bailout

Price Cut On Hobo Beans

All of your aspirational yuppie mall brands like Pottery Barn and Williams Sonoma and Coach (which used to be legitimately fancy, years ago, before they decided to start selling loudly branded handbags to Bethesdan tweens) are having to lower prices permanently because nobody has money anymore and they don’t want to get people used to insane 75% off sales all the time. Read more on Price Cut On Hobo Beans…
  math and numbers

NO JOBS LEFT TO LOSE: New jobless claims fell this week, hooray, due to the number of jobs in the US forming an asymptote with zero. Continuing jobless claims, meanwhile, are just staggering and awful, a wretched 5.47 million and counting. Start growing your Victory Gardens now, because otherwise you might not have food next winter. [MSNBC] Read more on …
  cartoon violence

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures

By the Comics CurmudgeonOnce every a generation or so, it’s important that our comfortable lives are shaken up, so that we can take stock and figure out what’s really important. Sure, economic disruptions are painful, but they can also herald a return to self-reliance and old-fashioned, time-tested values. Unfortunately, our current economic crisis passed that point weeks ago, so now you’re sort of just rubbing it in, Cold Dead Hand of Adam Smith. We promise to stop with the credit cards and the adjustable rate mortgages, OK? Just give us our fucking 401Ks back. Sadly, it appears that our political leaders will be forced to take truly drastic steps to stop our planet from being transformed into a vast hobo jungle. Read more on Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures…