Tag Archives: real estate

  Also Their Football Team Sucks

Lawsuit Against Trump’s Scammy ‘University’ May Reveal What The Bastard’s Really Worth

On the other hand, we would totally go to Twilight Sparkle University
Here’s a little bit of trivia that you might want to stash away in the same corner of your brain that remembers how Al Capone was finally busted not for being a mobster, but for tax evasion: It’s starting to look like the best glimpse America may really get of Donald Trump’s actual net worth will probably come from a discovery filing in a class-action lawsuit against his dumb fake “University,” rather than from his federal election financial disclosure forms. We can’t wait for Trump to condemn the people suing him as idiots and lightweights for falling for his distance-learning scam, just as he screamed at the New York AG who sued Trump “University” for fraud. Read more on Lawsuit Against Trump’s Scammy ‘University’ May Reveal What The Bastard’s Really Worth…
  Here have some news n stuff

Fox News Affiliate Will Protect You From Picasso’s Fancy Sex Nipples

Sorry you just broke your monitor because this picture gave you such a boner.
Don’t you hate it when you’re watching the evening news with your mom and they say “BREAKING!” and it’s a story about how a Picasso sold for $179M at Christie’s auction, so you freak out because you just know they’re going to show art nipples on teevee, and now you have a boner in front of your mom? Well, Fox 5 in New York decided to blur them out so that won’t happen: Read more on Fox News Affiliate Will Protect You From Picasso’s Fancy Sex Nipples…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Shoot-Out At The Not-Okay Corral

No, *you're* the most basic of jokes.
Oh, it has been a busy week in Deleted Comments land! Thanks to our switchover to Disqus, the comments are a bit more Wild West-y than they had been — in Olden times, new commenters had to be approved, but now, Yr Moderators have to patrol the dusty streets and clear them of miscreants who shamble into view. Happily, you Wonkers are all deputized to help us keep our comments section a happy Radical Liberal Secularist Leftist Libunatic playground as well, via the “flag” option that appears when you move your mouse over any comment, like so: Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Shoot-Out At The Not-Okay Corral…
  location location causation

Pricey New York Real Estate Proves Global Warming Is A Hoax, Obviously

parking not included
Were you concerned conservatives would never locate the real “smoking gun” that proves the Great Global Warming Hoax? Well, hold on to your coal, Holy Rollers, because Breitbart LLC finally unearthed definitive proof of the Greenstapo’s climate conspiracy: New York City real estate is really fucking expensive! Read more on Pricey New York Real Estate Proves Global Warming Is A Hoax, Obviously…
  If It Was Easy Then It Wouldn't Feel This Good

Luxury London Apartment Ad Wants To Stab You, Play Around With Your Blood

Yr Wonkette  has been considering a move into high-end real estate as a way of diversifying our portfolio, which is currently a little heavy on dick joke manufacturing and political scandal futures. From the looks of this long-form commercial, “World At Your Feet,” from British luxury apartment purveyor Redrow Housing, our first step is to decide: where does today’s refined and ambitious covert psychotic killer want to live? Read more on Luxury London Apartment Ad Wants To Stab You, Play Around With Your Blood…
  Don't Read The Comments

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Child Labor’s Still Pretty Cool For Tobacco Growers

The best way to read your Sunday NYT
We depend on our Sunday New York Times for in-depth reporting on stuff that we may or may not care about, and on a good day we might even learn about something we had no idea we should have to care about, and now we can sound like a big know it all. Into that last column, let’s drop today’s story about teenagers who work 12-hour shifts on tobacco farms, like the 13-year-old we meet in the lede. But don’t worry, the growers provide safety equipment, of a sort: Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Child Labor’s Still Pretty Cool For Tobacco Growers…
  eat the rich

Rich People Tired Of Living In Giant Mansions, Long For Merely Huge Mansions

They don't make butlers like Carson anymore.
Claudio Stivelman is a real estate developer whose corporate biography modestly alludes to his “prophetic vision to invest along the Northern coast of Miami-Dade County.” He got stupid-rich and built himself an “11,000-square-foot dream house,” only to find that living in a house with six bedrooms and a movie theater ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. The Wall Street Journal’s Candace Jackson — who may have responded to a job posting our new Jr. Editrix wrote about last year — gives us a glimpse into the Lifestyles of the Obscenely Wealthy and Modestly Famous. Read more on Rich People Tired Of Living In Giant Mansions, Long For Merely Huge Mansions…
  bend it like benham

Internet Rage Brigade Saves Bigot Twins From Gay Marxist Bankers

It was shaping up to be a very bad week for Just for Men Frosted Tips twin spokesmodels David and Jason Benham. First, HGTV cancelled a planned house-flipping reality series with the brothers after the network discovered that their real estate business is a lucrative sideline to their main job of wrapping themselves up in a Bible to justify hating anyone who isn’t a straight Christian. Then on Friday morning, Tucker Carlson’s Internet Home for Festering Anal Welts reported that SunTrust Bank had severed its relationship with the brothers’ property business by pulling all of its property listings from Benham Real Estate Group and its various franchises across four states. Naturally, the Benhams and their supporters saw it as yet one more attempt by the secular liberals to cram their gay agenda down the throats of decent Christian folk. David Benham told Alex Pappas of the Daily Caller, “Keeping us off television wasn’t enough, now this agenda to silence wants us out of the marketplace,” adding As Americans we find ourselves at a crossroads and are forced with a decision to either stand up or sit down. Evidently, SunTrust’s longstanding commitment to diversity must not include our historic Christian values. Of course employees at SunTrust had not actually told the brothers why the bank was pulling its listings. They must keep one of those “Jump…to Conclusions” mats in the rectory. Read more on Internet Rage Brigade Saves Bigot Twins From Gay Marxist Bankers…
  oh for crist's sake

Florida Gov. Rick Scott Discovers True Cause Of 2008 Recession: Previous Florida Gov. Charlie Crist

America’s Time-Travel and Causality Crisis grew worse last week as Florida Gov. Rick Scott (R-Azkaban) blamed the 2008 recession on his predecessor and likely opponent in 2014, former Gov. Charlie Crist, who served from 2007 to 2011: “We never should have had that downturn,” Scott told the Sayfie Review Florida Leaders Summit in Orlando, suggesting that Florida’s economic troubles in the midst of the global recession that spiraled out of control in 2008 after the fall of the nation’s largest investment banks was the fault of his predecessor, former Gov. Charlie Crist. It was not immediately clear whether Scott believed that Crist actually caused the banking crisis and collapse in mortgage-based securities that led to the recession, or if he held Crist responsible for failing to use powerful magic to prevent Florida from being affected by the worldwide economic decline. Read more on Florida Gov. Rick Scott Discovers True Cause Of 2008 Recession: Previous Florida Gov. Charlie Crist…
  location location location

Marco Rubio Can’t Wait To Get Out Of Middle Class Hell-Hole

Marco Rubio talked last night, we are told (we couldn’t hear him over the yowling noises coming from his Sad Hairs), about some stuff. Like the middle class, and how he is middle class, and how he loves living among the middle class and you won’t find him leaving his beloved middle class neighborhood to hang out with the Limousine Ayerses in Hyde Park (probably). So let’s look at the $675,000 real estate listing for the middle class home Rubio is trying to sell, so he can decamp with his family to tony DC! Read more on Marco Rubio Can’t Wait To Get Out Of Middle Class Hell-Hole…
  we'll smoke the blighter out

Homeowner Teargassed, Shot During Eviction Process, Realtor Finds It Hilarious

When a person is forced to leave his home because, probably, he was unaware that he was being ripped off by Fannie Mae, the authorities sometimes have to take it upon themselves to eradicate said homeowner like so many elusive cockroaches. In the case of Bruce O’Rando from St. Ann, Missouri, police decided to tear gas the 51-year-old man out of his home. O’Rando barricaded himself in the house, and once tear gas was brought into the mix, he began firing at police officers. The officers fought back, shooting the man in the elbow, maiming him to such a degree that they could successfully remove him from the house and take him to a hospital. Now we’re going to realtor Mark Harder to get a local’s perspective on this shiteous situation. Harder: “I guess he wasn’t too excited about the HUD cash for keys program…or maybe he wanted more cash from his keys.” OK, never mind, get this guy out of here. Read more on Homeowner Teargassed, Shot During Eviction Process, Realtor Finds It Hilarious…
  wonkette real estate desk

David Brooks Collects Enough Pennies To Buy His $4 Million Dream House

Poor ol’ New York Times columnist David Brooks, who writes 1600 dumb words for his newspaper per week, and that’s it, has purchased a $3.95 million home in Washington, DC. What a thrifty saver, and a model for all citizens. One day, if you write enough nonsense about yuppie brain studies and National Greatness and cumming on John Thune, you’ll be able to move out of your podunk $1.6 million Bethesda tenement and into a century-old DC mansion with “what appear to be vast spaces for entertaining.” Read more on David Brooks Collects Enough Pennies To Buy His $4 Million Dream House…
  community involvement

Vacant DC Building Claimed As ‘Public Property Under Community Control’

Everywhere, there is vacant real estate. Vacant storefronts, vacant warehouses, vacant McMansions and barns and especially big-city buildings stuck in some twilight of redevelopment or property speculation or repossession. The collapse of the Great Global Real Estate Bubble may have destroyed a lot of theoretical wealth, but it also left an abundance of places to live, places to build neighborhood gardens and playgrounds, places to be human. There are about six million unoccupied single-family houses in the United States, for instance. It is a moral disgrace that a single human lacks a place to live in this house-heavy country of vacant foreclosures. And, happily, the Occupy movement has begun to take abandoned buildings and return them to the communities. Of course the police are treating this victimless, peaceful use of empty structures as the worst type of felony. Read more on Vacant DC Building Claimed As ‘Public Property Under Community Control’…
  inside smells like fresh-baked paultard

Own a ‘Great Piece of History': Buy Ron Paul’s Dumpy House

Well, this is embarrassing. Ron Paul had an investment that wasn’t gold? FOR SALE! You too can fuck where Ron Paul fucked his wife for decades and jerk off where Rand Paul jerked off for the very first time! Only $325,000! Read more on Own a ‘Great Piece of History': Buy Ron Paul’s Dumpy House…
  merry christmas jesus!

Bristol Palin Pays $172,000 Cash For Foreclosed Tract House In Arizona

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like the exciting news that 20-year-old Bristol Palin — known for getting pregnant as a teenager and not knowing how to dance at all — has bought a house! Hooray, Bristol! Times are tough for everyone, but somehow she scraped up $172,000 from under Sarah’s burrito wrappers on the couch and now Bristol is the proud (?) owner of some utterly random foreclosed tract house in some abandoned Arizona exurb. We cannot even begin to make sense of this. Read more on Bristol Palin Pays $172,000 Cash For Foreclosed Tract House In Arizona…
  la cage aux folles: the sequel

The Jews Made Gay Club Owner Carl Paladino Homophobic

Have you ever gotten into an argument with someone about, say, racial relations, and halfway through it the dude is all like, “Really, anything terrible I say about the blacks is totally not racist because MY SISTER DATES A BLACK GUY AND I’M TOTALLY FINE WITH IT”? This is an annoying but sometimes effective rhetorical technique that maybe New York gubernatorial candidate/crazed maniac Carl Paladino should take in regards to the gays. You see, it doesn’t really matter if he gave some mean speech about them brainwashing America’s youth, because he totally was a landlord to a couple of gay clubs, back in the ’00s! Wait, what? Read more on The Jews Made Gay Club Owner Carl Paladino Homophobic…
  lazy snowbilly grifter

Palin Bombs At Trade Show; Could Her Speech Scam Be Finished?

Sleazy grifter Sarah Palin has been raking in the money at various conventions and trade shows, because she became famous in late 2008 when a shameless old man thought she might help his doomed presidential campaign. But Palin’s relatively small fan base — maybe 2 million dumb people in a nation of 309 million? — may have spent all the money they have to spend on her idiot shenanigans and shameless embrace of the liberal celebrity lifestyle. Plus, she keeps giving the same stupid “campaign speech” at these events — hardly bothering to even mention the industry that paid her six figures to show up and spew her ignorant nonsense. Read more on Palin Bombs At Trade Show; Could Her Speech Scam Be Finished?…
  and mcain vows to make it worse

America Still Has Its Housing/Mortgage Disaster!

Those lousy Greeks/Europeans, how can they spend so much money propping up their failed economy and jobless cretins and mountains of bad debt? Don’t they have capitalist scruples or whatever? Oh yeah, and America’s government-run mortgage hander-outer, Fannie Mae, needs another $8.4 billion to get through next week maybe, things have been sort of tough, what with the $11.5 billion loss just in the first quarter of this year. Read more on America Still Has Its Housing/Mortgage Disaster!…
  children's guessing games

Let’s All Guess Who Will Get Ted Kennedy’s Ballin’ Office

Ted Kennedy’s been dead for what, a decade or so, in Kennedy-zeitgeist years? It is high time America’s other Senators begin tactlessly speculating about who will get his ritzy deluxe Capitol Building office! Here are the specs: third floor, the Capitol Building, Mall views, “a rustic coffee table that appeared to be hewn out of the old deck of a sailboat,” etc. etc. “It sounds pretty,” said Alabama Senator Richard Selby. First, that coffee table thing actually sounds a bit kitschy. And second, hey, fuck you Richard Selby, show some RESPECT. That office belongs to Ted Kennedy’s ghost until Senate Rules Committee chairman Chuck Schumer gives it to someone else… But WHOM? Read more on Let’s All Guess Who Will Get Ted Kennedy’s Ballin’ Office…
  our flourishing economy

Home Prices Go Up Up Up: America Saved!

After dropping like a stone for the past three or four years, existing home prices in the United States went up a little teeny tiny bit in the second quarter of 2009. HOORAY WE CAN REFINANCE OUR WAY TO HAPPINESS AGAIN! So, the sales price of American houses went up by 2.9% between April Fools Day and the end of June, but they also dropped by 15% as compared to a year earlier. Never mind, we’re still doomed. [Washington Post] Read more on Home Prices Go Up Up Up: America Saved!…
  nation of hobos

New Data Shows Economy Still Sucks

Remember all that talk about how the unemployment rate fell by .1 percent last month and this proved, definitively, that happy days were here again? Remember all the sailors kissing ladies in the streets, and the wonderful ticker-tape parades? Well, everything has gone back to being terrible, according to New Statistics. Read more on New Data Shows Economy Still Sucks…