Huzzah, Wonktards! We have won over some significant percentage of our fellow citizens to the side of the hedonist left, where stoners get paid welfare checks to wank it over Thomas Pynchon books all day. A new Rassmussen survey shows that a mere 53 percent of Americans believe capitalism is better than socialism. MORE »

After 2004, two groups were blamed for making John Kerry’s loss extra sad for the liberals: those secret retards from off-the-grid caves that Karl Rove forced to vote at the last minute, and pollsters. All of the pollsters failed spectacularly on Election Day in 2004, especially with exit polls. Everyone knew that John Kerry was too much of a cocksmoker to possibly win anything, and yet these pollsters committed the CARDINAL SIN of getting Democrats’ hopes up about a national victory of any kind. But this year they tried again. Who will be first against the wall? MORE »

BEST POLL EVER: “Congress was front and center in the national news last week and the American people were far from impressed. If they could vote to keep or replace the entire Congress, 59% of voters would like to throw them all out and start over again. The latest Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey found that just 17% would vote to keep the current legislators in office.” A full 147% changed their responses after hearing the third option, which was to keep the legislators in their offices — literally, with locks — and then release rabid death wolves into said offices. [Rasmussen]

Oh hey look it’s another tracking poll! The latest Rasmussen dealy shows that John McCain is tied with Barack Obama at 44%, but if you include “leaners,” the geezer beats the pants off the charismatic upstart with a whopping 47% to Obama’s crappy old 46%. JOHN MCCAIN IS PRESIDENT OF LEANERS! MORE »

Hillary Clinton will never give up and never stop fighting for you, which is why she’s trying to roll her 2008 presidential election fund into her 2012 Senate re-election fund! She’s sending out letters to supporters who maxed out their contributions, asking them if she can hang onto their money for 2012, and if they don’t say “yes” by August 28 she will have to give it back, which will make the baby Jesus cry. Plus, a new poll shows that she’s the only candidate who can beat John McCain in the fall! It’s true. MORE »

• DISRESPECT TOWARD OUR LEADERS: A new Rasmussen poll: “This month, just 9% say Congress is doing a good or excellent job.” Here’s a poll question Rasmussen should consider for the future: Can you name a single issue Congress is currently working on? [Rasmussen]

LET US DESCEND: A new Rasmussen poll has Hillary up 56% to 27% in West Virginia, which holds its primary next Tuesday. Aside from all the obvious reasons why the next week will suck, this should be pretty funny: if Hillary’s pretending to be slack-jawed Cletus from The Simpsons to win Indiana’s votes, in what hilarious ways will she pander to West Virginia? [Rasmussen]

Why does Barack Obama continue to want this dumb nomination, aside from his insurmountable lead in pledged delegates, states, and the popular vote? According to a new Rasmussen poll, 22% of Democrats think Obama should drop out, and the same percentage thinks Hillary (who has already lost) should. The most cosmic mindfuck of all, however: 62% of Democrats “aren’t ready for either candidate to leave the race.” Why such masochism in the Democratic party? This is precisely why John Kerry will emerge as both the presidential and vice-presidential candidate after the brokered convention. [Rasmussen]

Was Barack Obama’s ambitious race speech effective, or did it just make the Average American question his Muslim religion all over again? According to the latest Rasmussen daily tracking poll, John McCain leads Obama 49% to 42% and Hillary Clinton 51% to 41% in hypothetical matchups. This dumb SURGE! in popularity McCain has seen recently means nothing — eventually (cross yr fingers!) all vaguely liberal and moderate voters will realize that he is the worst imaginable candidate for anyone on Earth, or in space. On the other hand, maybe Barack should play up his, uh, “Kansas side” a little more. Play nine holes of golf or some such. [Rasmussen]

Triumphalist Obamatards, cover your ears: Hillary Clinton is still running for President, and it looks like she’ll win the Ohio primary. A Survey USA poll released today shows Clinton ahead of her opponent Barack Obama by 10 points. And a Rasmussen poll taken over the weekend has Clinton ahead by six. This means her campaign can continue on to Pennsylvania and maybe lose there instead. [WCPO, Rasmussen Reports, Real Clear Politics] MORE »

What happens when you’re losing and your new ad disappoints and a fiery Mark Penn is in a room with some equally fiery ad-maker lady and a crybaby political director? A melee of words happens, and internal fissures are blown wide open! This is precisely what happened last week at Clinton HQ. MORE »